I can't let go. Help me let go please

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex has resurfaced and a couple of days ago I struggled trying to figure out what he wanted. With the help of some amazing people here I got through the pain of it. However, yesterday he called several times and overwhelmed with need for him I ended up answering.

He tried to get a conversation going, how are you, did you get my emails, are you ok, you don’t sound ok?. I couldn’t speak properly, said the bare minimum, too scared, no trust in him and not trusting myself.

I cried after, my mind ticking over, what did he want? Is he trying to come back? I want him back. No, I don’t want him back. Around and around. Horrible, confusing painful feelings so I decided to try to get some control over them and sent him a text asking him why he contacted me? This is the resulting text conversation:

Him: “I saw (the information) and thought it would be useful for you. I wanted to make sure you got it. I also saw the deposit today”. (I’m paying him for a holiday he took me on).

Me: “Thanks, but really no need”.

Him: “I know. All the best”.

Me: “Well, if you know then stop doing it. Get on with the life you’ve chosen. I’m no longer in it. All the best to you too”.

Him: “I know you’re not. You finished with me when I was unwell and found a new bf. Just trying to help as ever. You’re consistent anyway”. (Needless to say, but I never finished with him when he was unwell and I haven’t found a new bf. Same old!).

Me (refraining from defending myself): “All the best, ‘John’."

Cue more painful feelings, thoughts about what he really wants and another text.

Me: “I simply asked why you contacted me. What’s the real reason? Be honest. Did you feel guilty? Did you want to see if I’m hurting? Did you want to be friends? Don’t worry, ignore this. It’s all ok”.

An hour or so later.

Him: “I am always honest. I was trying to help with the information. I wanted to make sure you got it. I don’t feel guilty. I loved you unconditionally and did my absolute best under the circumstances. I hoped you weren’t hurting and hoped you are in a good place and your mum is well. You don’t seem to be and that makes me sad. You seem to trust the wrong people. I would like to be friends. ‘John’”.

I held back from wanting to blast him and left it there. The information is an excuse to contact me, him being honest is a joke, he should feel guilty, saying he did his absolute best is laughable, best to destroy me he means, now he knows I’m hurting, the only person I never should have trusted was him and I DO NOT want to be his friend! Last Christmas he asked me to marry him. I wanted to believe it. How can I go from that to being his friend. And why am I even talking to him after what he’s done to me?

There is something very, very wrong with me.

Can anyone help me please, I’m struggling. Struggling to let go of someone who wants me in his life to use, an object, to pick up and put down when it suits him. This is triggering enormous pain in me. 

[Larmoyant]

My ex has resurfaced and a couple of days ago I struggled trying to figure out what he wanted. With the help of some amazing people here I got through the pain of it. However, yesterday he called several times and overwhelmed with need for him I ended up answering.

He tried to get a conversation going, how are you, did you get my emails, are you ok, you don’t sound ok?. I couldn’t speak properly, said the bare minimum, too scared, no trust in him and not trusting myself.

I cried after, my mind ticking over, what did he want? Is he trying to come back? I want him back. No, I don’t want him back. Around and around. Horrible, confusing painful feelings so I decided to try to get some control over them and sent him a text asking him why he contacted me? This is the resulting text conversation:

Him: “I saw (the information) and thought it would be useful for you. I wanted to make sure you got it. I also saw the deposit today”. (I’m paying him for a holiday he took me on).

Me: “Thanks, but really no need”.

Him: “I know. All the best”.

Me: “Well, if you know then stop doing it. Get on with the life you’ve chosen. I’m no longer in it. All the best to you too”.

Him: “I know you’re not. You finished with me when I was unwell and found a new bf. Just trying to help as ever. You’re consistent anyway”. (Needless to say, but I never finished with him when he was unwell and I haven’t found a new bf. Same old!).

Me (refraining from defending myself): “All the best, ‘John’."

Cue more painful feelings, thoughts about what he really wants and another text.

Me: “I simply asked why you contacted me. What’s the real reason? Be honest. Did you feel guilty? Did you want to see if I’m hurting? Did you want to be friends? Don’t worry, ignore this. It’s all ok”.

An hour or so later.

Him: “I am always honest. I was trying to help with the information. I wanted to make sure you got it. I don’t feel guilty. I loved you unconditionally and did my absolute best under the circumstances. I hoped you weren’t hurting and hoped you are in a good place and your mum is well. You don’t seem to be and that makes me sad. You seem to trust the wrong people. I would like to be friends. ‘John’”.

I held back from wanting to blast him and left it there. The information is an excuse to contact me, him being honest is a joke, he should feel guilty, saying he did his absolute best is laughable, best to destroy me he means, now he knows I’m hurting, the only person I never should have trusted was him and I DO NOT want to be his friend! Last Christmas he asked me to marry him. I wanted to believe it. How can I go from that to being his friend. And why am I even talking to him after what he’s done to me?

There is something very, very wrong with me.

Can anyone help me please, I’m struggling. Struggling to let go of someone who wants me in his life to use, an object, to pick up and put down when it suits him. This is triggering enormous pain in me. 

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Larmoyant,

Perhaps discontinuing engaging with your ex over anything other than legal or practical reasons would reduce the risk of you being triggered again into all the pain you've worked so hard to leave in the dust behind you.

Virtual hugs with no motivation behind them other than to offer you comfort. Hang in there.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

There is something very, very wrong with me.

Don't be hard on yourself. Many of us have been in your shoes, that includes me. I agree with Powell to self protect with controlled contact and not share any personal stuff. Letting go takes time, self protection helps with detaching when we're emotionally wounded. I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now  

[lostinla]

I am reading this with interest because while I am trying to figure out how to get my ex back, I am trying to cope with letting her go in the event she never comes back.

But what resonated with me was your ex's statement "I'm always honest." My girl used to say that to me all the time, even when I caught her in a direct lie (which I never told her about how I knew.) And she vehemently denied it and attacked me for being disrespectful... .I had no idea what BPD was then (just a couple weeks ago)... .

[Larmoyant]

Thank you for the hugs. I’m in a very strange place right now. This might sound a little strange, but I feel like a puppet. He is holding the strings or at least trying to regain control of them and I’m dangling there snipping away at some of them, but not quite getting them all. Ok, crazy I know! But I can't quite cut them all. Struggling with so many conflicting feelings today.

[Larmoyant]

I am reading this with interest because while I am trying to figure out how to get my ex back, I am trying to cope with letting her go in the event she never comes back.

I can understand this. I'm struggling with trying to gain a sense of finality whilst still wanting to be with him. My head is spinning.

As for declarations of 'honesty'. That just makes me feel angry. He's not even being honest now. He does not want to be my 'friend'. He wants me around for his convenience and I know it.

Welcome lostinla to BPD world.

[fromheeltoheal]

However, yesterday he called several times and overwhelmed with need for him I ended up answering.

Did that need feel like an addiction?  Common around here after these relationships end, where there's a pull, a "need", an impulse to contact the ex, even though we know objectively and logically that that is not in our best interest.  You might learn some about trauma bonding, maybe some of that going on, plus the way borderlines attach, by getting into the deepest parts of you, it may trigger unmet needs you've had for a long time, long before you met him.  :)igging there and resolving old issues is one of the gifts of the relationship, it has nothing to do with him, and any interaction with him is likely to trigger it.

And why am I even talking to him after what he’s done to me?

Good question.  :)etachment is in the answers, do you have any?

There is something very, very wrong with me.

When we tell our brain that it's going to come up with 100 things that are wrong with you.  Better to ask quality questions like how can I use this?  What's good about this?  What's the best thing I can do right now?  What's the right thing to do?  Questions like that shift our focus in a direction that supports us.

This is triggering enormous pain in me.  

Yes, and detachment takes work.  Clearly he's triggering for you and talking to him isn't a good idea, but beyond that you can consider detachment a project, the best kind, and one that you're fully committed to no matter what; consider spending as much energy detaching as you did being in relationship with him.
A simple focus shift is to make a list of all the intolerable behaviors you tolerated anyway in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things, and read as many times as you need to when you're tempted.  You can't trust your heart or your gut right now, so trust you head, since you know what's right, and eventually your heart will catch up, but you have to stop the triggering, which is what the list is for.

Take care of you!

[lostinla]

Larmoyant,

How did you finally come to terms with letting your ex go? I know mine is not a good fit for me due to her emotional immaturity and possible uBPD status, but I am in love with her even though she went back to her ex bf after only a few days of being without me. And the day I left she was full of messages about how I am the most important thing in her world, she wants me forever, etc.,

In another thread, I posted about considering writing her a letter since she is not very responsive via text and I am in a NC/LC mode with her.

[ICantFixHer]

a pull, a "need", an impulse to contact the ex, even though we know objectively and logically that that is not in our best interest.

I may add if one is still emotionally attached to the exBPD, this communication addiction is not in the BPD's best interest, either. Here's a way to justify NC: "I loved her so much I will do anything to see her get better, and that starts with me putting my foot down regarding contact."

It could work.

[fromheeltoheal]

I may add if one is still emotionally attached to the exBPD, this communication addiction is not in the BPD's best interest, either. Here's a way to justify NC: "I loved her so much I will do anything to see her get better, and that starts with me putting my foot down regarding contact."

It could work.

Yes, that could work if we are the one who left, not true in every case, but framing it in a way that makes us benevolent would feel good, and lead to the compassion we can eventually feel for our exes and the tough road they walk.

[Larmoyant]

It could work.  

Yes, that could work if we are the one who left, not true in every case, but framing it in a way that makes us benevolent would feel good, and lead to the compassion we can eventually feel for our exes and the tough road they walk.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Larmoyant

Sorry to hear about all this.  pwBPD have no way of seeing or feeling their actions in a completely adult context and so he cannot perceive the pain he is causing you.  Really sorry that you have to face this.

Like others have said, it is kind of a coming to God moment; what are you going to do?  I have debated telling my ex the truth.  It is not recommended to do because it will not help them.  But I think you should consider doing it.  I am not saying this so that it will help him, rather, it will help you by speaking it directly to him.  There is empowerment in speaking the truth; have to softly dance on eggshells kills our spirit.  It is like being in the room with a sick person and not telling them they are sick and as a result we catch their illness.  

How about just saying; your behavior is unstable and you are insensitive and are completely unaware of it and do not demonstrate the ability to see it.  Not only will this cause him to be unlikely to contact you again, but you will feel good knowing that you do not have to tip toe around the elephant in the room and hide the truth of how you feel, what you see and what you know to be true.

JRB

[KarmasReal]

Don't feel bad, I feel the same as you. I ran into my ex and she turned everything around where it sounded as though she hadn't put me through hell either. I was drinking at the time but the emotions the next day hit me like a hammer. I thought we were back on good terms after that night but it's been 6 days and I still haven't heard a word from her. I am worried she is on a self destructive course, because she said she was, I love her, but I can't save her, and I don't know if she has the capacity to know how to love. It feels like she only likes love that's unrequited, if that makes sense. She loves her ex husband because he's moved on and doesn't care, she told me never to contact her, I run into her two months later all she tells me is that she loves me and misses me and other stuff. Then back to nothing, they will never be able to regulate themselves or their emotions, and we will never understand what it means.

For myself I am going to try to remain in my exBPDs life, because I love her and I will take that pain. However she decides is up to her. But and a big but is I'm never going to put my life on hold for her again. I will do everything that makes me happy, including dating other people until she seems like she's in a steady place again.

[Larmoyant]

I have something to say to all these responses, thank you and will write back later. I have to go now, but I like the idea of writing him as JRB suggested. Something like this:

I cannot shift my feelings from those of someone about to get engaged to those of a ‘friend’. It appears your depth of feeling wasn’t the same as mine and (1) you are not aware of all the damage that has been done and (2) you aren’t able to see the hurt you are continuing to cause me. I’m not saying this is intentional on your part, but it is insensitive. I need time to heal and plan my future, and your contact is blocking my path and causing me pain. I don’t want to change my numbers, my emails. I shouldn’t need to. I’d now request, as painful as it for both of us, that we cease all contact. There comes a day when we need to put all this hurt behind us. Let that be today, ok. No need for a response even. Just let it be.

What does this sound like? Is it ok or disastrous? Any advice please. I keep flipping between wanting to blast him for all the hurt and then wanting to be more compassionate.

[heartandwhole]

Take back your power, Larmoyant. This is your decision, not his. This is what you will do, not him.

Don't count on him heeding your request! You have to know that you are strong enough to handle future contact by him and that you will stick to your values around this by not responding.

I know how hard it is, I really do. As you said, there comes a day when it has to stop, and unfortunately only you can make that happen. 

What do you think about this?:


"I cannot shift my feelings from those of someone about to get engaged to those of a ‘friend’.  I need time to heal and plan my future, and our contact is blocking my path and causing me pain. For that reason, I now request, as painful as it for both of us, that we cease all contact. There comes a day when we need to put all this hurt behind us. Let that be today, ok. No need for a response even. Just let it be."

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

Heeltoheal, you’ve given me so much to work with today, thank you. I believe I’ve identified the source of some of this pain and, his behaviour, the torturous push/pull, opens up those old wounds over and over. I suspect that his fears trigger mine and vice versa, although I didn’t really know the extent of mine until now. Not sure how to repair the damage, the old damage or the new. Sometimes I just feel lost in all this hurt.

Lostinla, unfortunately, I haven’t really come to terms with letting him go. The decision to leave was easier as I’d just taken as much as I could. He’d asked me to marry him and even though I didn’t really trust what he was saying I very much wanted to. His actions didn’t match his words and I was crushed, again. Also, he pursued me after I left, but I found out he was also chasing other women at the same time. These people sure know how to hurt people don’t they. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I still love my ex too despite the torture. It’s baffling. Read as much as you can. Many of our stories are so similar and you’ll begin to understand the dynamics underlying their behaviour and it will become clearer and hopefully less painful for you. What do you want to say to her in your letter?

JRB, why can’t he see the pain he’s causing me? Does he really believe we can just be friends after we were discussing marriage? It makes me cry to think that it really all was a lie.

Karma, yes, they are perfect angels and never do anything to hurt us. I understand the anguish waiting for them to call. I realised that’s what I’ve been doing every day since we split. This has been a long, long break-up, 6 months now! Weird relationship, even stranger break-up. I agree about them never being able to regulate their emotions that’s why I’m out. Just couldn’t bear it anymore. Just have to take the final leap is all. Your decision to try to remain in her life sounds a brave one, but I just could not bear the thought of him parading other women in front of me. I just can’t go there and the thought of dating right now is scary to me. Keep remembering to put you first.

[Larmoyant]

Take back your power, Larmoyant. This is your decision, not his. This is what you will do, not him.

Don't count on him heeding your request! You have to know that you are strong enough to handle future contact by him and that you will stick to your values around this by not responding.

I know how hard it is, I really do. As you said, there comes a day when it has to stop, and unfortunately only you can make that happen.  

What do you think about this?:


"I cannot shift my feelings from those of someone about to get engaged to those of a ‘friend’.  I need time to heal and plan my future, and our contact is blocking my path and causing me pain. For that reason, I now request, as painful as it for both of us, that we cease all contact. There comes a day when we need to put all this hurt behind us. Let that be today, ok. No need for a response even. Just let it be."

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole, you're right I can’t count on him to stop. It’s been 6 months since I ended it and apart from a recent 2 week break he’s been in regular contact. I sometimes mistake this for care and love from him. I think he wants to come back, but maybe it serves some other purpose because I could bet my life on it that he has other women now. I really don’t know why I’m putting myself through all this. I’m causing myself more pain.

As for this letter, thank you so much. It’s much better than mine and is the version I will send. For now, I am going to sit on it a while. I couldn’t bear the thought of a response from him right now. He always likes the last word. Sometimes he makes me feel quite helpless and that’s a horrible, horrible feeling. Take back my power. I’m going to really try, thank you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi L-

I believe I’ve identified the source of some of this pain and, his behaviour, the torturous push/pull, opens up those old wounds over and over. I suspect that his fears trigger mine and vice versa, although I didn’t really know the extent of mine until now. Not sure how to repair the damage, the old damage or the new.

So what are those old wounds L?  It can help to just type them out, either here or on the Personal Inventory board.

Sometimes I just feel lost in all this hurt.

That's what triggered feels like, and communicating with him on any level is triggering for you now.

Heartandwhole, you're right I can’t count on him to stop. It’s been 6 months since I ended it and apart from a recent 2 week break he’s been in regular contact. I sometimes mistake this for care and love from him. I think he wants to come back, but maybe it serves some other purpose because I could bet my life on it that he has other women now. I really don’t know why I’m putting myself through all this. I’m causing myself more pain.

Think attachments with borderlines.  The purpose it serves is he contacts you to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and when you confirm it is, it makes him feel better, so he keeps doing it.

He always likes the last word. Sometimes he makes me feel quite helpless and that’s a horrible, horrible feeling. Take back my power. I’m going to really try, thank you.

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.”  Yoda

[Sadly]

Lar

I feel for you, at this moment in time I am where you are exactly. Mine was a series of texts not emails on the evening of day 6 NC. Started nice, got viler and viler. I returned one, I couldn't help myself then recently I returned another.
1st
Is this cruelty making you feel better ... .Does hurting me badly deflect your own pain and anger. So be it.
2nd
Please, I am begging you to stop this. For the sake of how we once felt. For the love and support I have given you. For those first few months when I meant so much to you. Stop stabbing me. I don't deserve this. Please please stop.

More came, I fell to pieces, I haven't slept hardly at all, I can't stop crying. Then, this morning another one arrived.

Apologies for last night !

That was it, apologies for last night. That is as much as he is capable of giving. This is the reality of it all. And guess what, part of me is is longing, yes longing, to run to him. I might even do that before the weeks out. If I was giving advice to you I would be able to give you the other side. Don't do it, stay strong, ignore him, look after yourself. Yep, the correct advice. Huh, I don't have the right to give anyone that from where I am now. Love to you though sweetheart. Do what you have to one way or the other. We know what our choices mean, more pain and hurt or more pain and hurt! The endings are the same too.   xx

[flourdust]

You're thinking of his motivations in terms of relationships and friendship. Don't.

All I saw in your transcript of the conversation was a vampire feeding on you for validation. He was feeling down and empty and decided to reach out to you to suck some energy away. He got what he needed. He fed on you like a tick. He might call that "friendship," but that's not what it is, and you will get nothing from this.

[TheRiddler]

Fromheeltoheal:

I'm curious, what do you mean by this?

Yes, that could work if we are the one who left, not true in every case

[zonnebloem]

I feel like this too! Want to let go for my good health, still addticted... .looking if he texted something... .gues he won't ... .used to brake up and getting back together... .feels insane.
I'm gonna do meditations so I remember what is mine emotions and what "___" If'te taken on myself.

Good luck... .It is tuff... .Yes BD are so intelligent.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Riddler-

Fromheeltoheal:

I'm curious, what do you mean by this?

Yes, that could work if we are the one who left, not true in every case

If we are the one who left a borderline, part of taking our power back, if there was a sense of loss of power and control for us in the relationship, which there is most of the time when a borderline needs to be in control for their own reasons, then extending that to not contacting our ex "for their own good" is a benevolent stance and an extension of the taking our power back mindset.  Whether it has any impact on the borderline or not is irrelevant, it feels good, and if continued communication with our ex isn't doing either of us any good, then it supports not making contact which is a good thing.

Now it's a guess but probably true that more borderlines leave their partners than the other way around, and it doesn't have to be leaving physically, it can be leaving emotionally and developing attachments with other people outside the relationship, infidelity and affairs, and/or maintaining attachments with orbiters, folks flitting around the periphery of a borderline's life, taking any bits and pieces of affection and connection thrown their way by the borderline.

Think attachments with borderlines.  Borderlines need attachments so survive, in fact they can report that they feel like they literally don't exist without one, problem is attachments are inherently unstable, and when a borderline fears abandonment by their partner, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with reality, they freak, so time to look for or reinforce other attachments; spreading it out lessens the pain of one leaving.

So back to the point, if a borderline leaves us, there's really no point in saying you won't contact them "for their own good" or "to help them get better" because they're the one who left.  It would come in handy in case a borderline reestablishes contact after a while, very common, and typically showing up with the attitude that nothing had happened in the past and everything is hunky-dory, back for a short-lived idealization phase, if the partner bites, and at times like that the no-contact-for-your-own-good plan would be helpful, if for no reason other than bolstering our stance of detaching and avoiding reattaching.

[Larmoyant]

So what are those old wounds L?  It can help to just type them out, either here or on the Personal Inventory board.

It’s the push/pull that triggers me. The come here/go away, I love you/I hate you. Promises of a future only to be dashed hours/minutes later. I’ve felt pain like this before.

My beloved father who I followed around like a puppy, left our family, my mum and 3 little girls when I was 5. I was the eldest. He just took off with another woman never to be seen again. My poor mum, who right now isn’t too well, suffered so much and went into a major depression. Similar to what I’m experiencing now.

I remember I’d just started school, was excited, confident, not afraid. Then seemingly everything changed overnight. We had to move, meaning a different school, money worries and very understandably an extremely stressed out depressed mother. I tried to make it alright for her, but I was 5.

One day, she came in looking beautiful, and very excitedly dressed us in our best clothes, told us we were going to see daddy. We took a bus to the park.We waited, and waited and waited. Played with all the equipment, ate our lunch, got tired, got cold. She gave up. On the bus home she was crying and I was trying to help her. I couldn’t help her.

He took my self-worth with him when he left. I started my new school, but became anxious, would cry for my mum, wet myself more than once. Shame, lots of shame. All the kids had dads.

I compensated for this by academic achievement. I was a bright, but desperately sad child. Desperate to help my mother. She picked herself up though and did a great job. The love she showered us with was, and, still is, amazing. I love her very much and am very proud of her.

But, the pain, the belief that I'm not good enough is what this horrible relationship has triggered. My father tossed us away like we meant nothing. I don’t understand all the dynamics yet. Don’t understand the connection between the child then and the adult now. All I know is this is similar pain. The push/pull behaviour, the dating sites, using our 'breaks' to date others, the devaluation of me as a worthwhile person, the insults, all of it excruciatingly painful.

It’s why I want him to come back even though I left him. Sometimes, it feels unbearable. Like, come back and tell me I'm worth it.
 
I’m crying for that confused, sad little child who thought she’d overcome that terrible feeling of being damaged. Not being good enough.

I don't feel good enough.

[Stripey77]

Lar,

I feel your pain, really I do.  Twice during the week before my ex BF very suddenly and brutally dropped me out of his life, (after daily contact from morning til night) he had had a 'jokey' (but was it?) conversation with me about 'when you have my son' (it was with regards to football). The second time in a very romantic setting as we held hands. A week later, I was out of his life.  

He is currently treating me to a 3rd bout of ghosting/ST, this time because someone external to our relationship has triggered him, but there would eventually have been another excuse. We broke up over 10 months ago, but haven't ever really been out of each other's lives or thoughts, it seems, reconnecting 2 months ago after 6 months of being ignored by him. A few weeks ago he came back in my life... .and is now not talking to me again.

I see him in our tiny town frequently, sometimes he has seen me. It's beyond painful. How can my fairytale prince, who reappeared just a few weeks ago, now again have turned into a (silent) frog? How can he do this to me? I know for a fact that this time it is shame and guilt that's stopping him from talking to me.  I know he is in part pushing me away for my own good, having told me before in more lucid moments that I should forget him and hate him.  I also know to some degree he is testing me... .how many times can I push her away and she'll still be there?

Well, I think the answer might just be 3. Because I tell you something, it DOES get easier in time. Even I feel as if I am finally starting to detach. I see him in town poring over his phone, sitting with a beer or whatever, with an almost distanced fascination. It really really is like knowing 2 people. That man, who pretends I don't exist right now, was in my bed, and I was in his arms just weeks ago. But there is only so much the heart can take, there really is.  I am so tired... .my emotional reservoir has been drained.


I still love him with all my heart. He is the love of my life. He makes me weak at the knees just when I clap eyes on him. But he has hurt me so much, so many times. I think I'm reaching a turning point. My feelings for him have not once wavered, and this is a criminal waste of an amazing connection, at every level. But I deserve some kindness in my life, not this. I deserve to be in a lover's arms and know that the next time he sees me, he will still be talking to me and be consistent in his treatment of me. I deserve to be held, and kissed, and have a companion in my life, not someone who treats me like an enemy.

I even told him last year, "I'm not your enemy, ok you don't want to be with me, that's one thing, but why are you pretending I don't exist?"... .and he said "I know. But it's the best way". He honestly believes that disappearing on me or going silent on me is somehow doing me a favour, I assume because he thinks he's so unworthy/a bad person and it will help me. It doesn't. I would prefer a civil acquaintance and to be able to say "hello" at least in passing. He broke my heart, not the other way round - why am I the one getting the ST every time?   The horror of ST actually prolongs the pain ten fold, for me at least.

But I've come to realise, he can't do it. He's either in my life, as a lover etc. Or nothing. At all. A ghost. And it's all on his terms.

I find it staggering that he came back into my life after 6 months of torturous silence, we made huge leaps forward in our understanding of the situation we're in, we effectively 'made friends', after hours of heart to heart discussion. And now he's come back from visiting his home country to pretend once again that I don't exist. He kissed me goodbye on the day he left saying he'd see me when he got back. Go figure.

It is what it is. That's how I cope. We are where we are. You and I both know, that there is every EVERY possibility that they will be back. I am about 99.9% sure, it's not if, it's when.  But just saying the facts out loud to myself, well this is where we are... .somehow help. It really is happening, embrace the truth, see it for what it is, and know that the tables will turn again at some point, probably sooner rather than later.

The step that you and I, and others on here, have to find the strength to take, is to say, enough is enough. Not this time, thank you. I still love you or care for you, yes the attraction is still there, but you left me (adjust as appropriate) and I DESERVE MORE.  I deserve someone who is consistently kind to me. Are you that person? Can you do it?

If the answer is no, then somehow we are going to have to dig deep and really, really put ourselves first.

My ex was adamant a few weeks ago, that he's not the one for me, 'cos we don't work', (BS. We work very well indeed. He is frightened) ... .and what are my expectations? That he can't be my partner. This, in a conversation in which he also swung to telling me he loved me and was still attracted to me and intellectually there is a huge spark. Earlier in the evening he told me he hated me. He came home with me that night for the first time in months and expressed surprise that 'we still share these feelings'. Well I wasn't surprised because those feelings for me never ever changed.  

It really is so very very sad, but the only way to let go, I think Lar, is to truly recognise that we deserve more kindness than this, not just part time kindness. That, above all. And I do honestly think that them more times we get hurt, recycled, ignored, picked up again... .the more it hammers home that it's just not enough. I do think you will reach this point, and you will start to detach. As I say I still love him with my whole heart. But I love me more, just about, and this really falls short of my fairytale dream, I can tell you.

Be kind to yourself. It will happen. We're allowed to love them still you know, but to save ourselves, we may have to accept that that love has to be from a distance.

[fromheeltoheal]

My beloved father who I followed around like a puppy, left our family, my mum and 3 little girls when I was 5. I was the eldest. He just took off with another woman never to be seen again.  

That is very sad L.  I'm sorry that happened for you and your mother and sisters.

My father tossed us away like we meant nothing. I don’t understand all the dynamics yet. Don’t understand the connection between the child then and the adult now. All I know is this is similar pain.  

Yes, you don't understand the connection yet, but you're looking at it, and ever notice everything we focus on and spend energy on gets better?  Borderlines are inherently unstable, and their behaviors are very hurtful, devastating, which is why this site exists, and the upside is a borderline, due to their need to attach, has an uncanny way of getting their hooks in deep, shining a light on issues we knew were there, and also creating enough pain to motivate us to do something about it after all these years, if we choose.

Every human on the planet feels we're not good enough at some point, it's what we do with that, what we make it mean.  And the difference between guilt and shame is guilt says I did something bad, shame says I am bad.  You made a connection long ago that your father left because there was something wrong with you, completely understandable for a 5 year old, and an option now is to ask what could you make your father leaving mean now?  What are some other choices?  And what will continuing to believe that connection you made cost you?  What will it rob you of?

What this journey has taught me so far is I spent a whole lot of time abandoning myself, not protecting myself, helping others as a way to get my needs met in a backhanded way.  The pain of the relationship gave me no choice but to look at all of that, what needs was it meeting, what it would cost me to continue living like that?  So lately I've been focusing on not abandoning myself, insisting my needs matter, and practicing self protection, and that's instilled a sense of a core within that is valuable and worthy of protection, which causes me to set and enforce boundaries, and it's now feeling like building a life from the inside out and living from my values is the right way, the way to create a life worth living.  When we dig down and deal with core issues like that it's a sea change that has a ripple effect through our entire lives.

Thank you for sharing what's going on with you.  These relationships can be very beneficial when we use the pain as motivation to address things that need to be addressed, useless pain otherwise yes?  Take care of you!

[zonnebloem]

SO... .what an intresting day yesterday.
I was very much in pain.
The man who says "I am the love of his life" WAS on holiday with his 2 daughters.
They oranised it behind my back, knowing I could not agree for I know the way they are is too emotinaly unhealthy.
He's a kid with kids.

Yet... it is hard to let go for the good times we have shared.
I feel so alone without him.

Yesterday, after 9 days that he didn't send me any news... .being abroad with his girls... .
Me wondering if he might have hit an Irish tree, been in an accident or so,
He called me last night. He is back home.
His youngest girl stays another week with him (coparenting)

So... .I was aching yesterday, longing for some news , not knowing if he'd get back in touch.
I prayed and asked my angelguards for HELP. All I felt was PAIN.
S

I as

[zonnebloem]

To continue to what I was writing:
So... .I called my angelguards for HELP.
Feeling sick of feeling so lonely.
Someone wrote an e-mail saying that I've taken too much ___ that goes round in that BD-family on me .
So I will meditate to see what enmotions are MINE and what ___ i have taken on!
Last night, out of the blue, a friend called me.
I tought I had fallen out friendship with her because I am way too sensitive for some stuff she has said and done to me.
It was "the answer from heaven"... .
We went for a ride in her brandnew car... .open roof... hair blowing in the wind.
We chatted, drank wine... .we had a "girls-evening-out" and it was GREAT.
Guess what? My ex called me. And I had no time for him!
I have nor called back. he says he loves me soo much.