pain of moving on from 30 year marriage

[Outlet]

I'm looking for a support group in Spokane for non - BPD. ex wife and daughter have BPD. high functioning and low functioning.

[once removed]

hi Outlet and

i dont know of resources specifically in Spokane, but this is a support group for loved ones of someone with BPD, and if thats what youre here for, you are in the right place.

members here have walked or are walking in your shoes and understand the immense struggles when it comes to these relationships, co-parenting, and the like. would you like to share more of your story with us? it helps to talk.

[Outlet]

I have read ever book out there on BPD ( i.e.Walking on Eggshells). and wish I had known how to relate to my ex before the divorce that I could not stop or prevent. But one year later I have noy moved on well and she has not sought therapy for herself because obviously I am the problem. I took ALL the blame in 6 weeks of conjoined counseling two years ago. My low functioning 17 year old is estranged and living with mom. My 4 other children are older, healthy and close to me emotionally but live at a distance. Still in grief over this.
.

[once removed]

i think a lot of us kick ourselves for not knowing about BPD during the relationship. i dont really see how we could have been expected to - its not a widely known disorder, i had literally only heard of it once or twice by name, no details.

i commend you for taking the step of seeking support for yourself, its a huge step, and i can tell you that while i completely understand that you feel you have not moved on well after a year, it does get better, and we are here to support you every step of the way. have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself? its a great addition to a support group and highly recommended.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Outlet,

I am very sorry to hear your situation, 30 years is a long, long time. I am glad you have found this online community, I have learned a lot here.

Here's how stupid I was: 4 years ago a BPD woman married a band mate/friend of mine and within 9 months she had destroyed our once-magnificent dynamic. I dismantled the band rather than let her have her way. It was a huge disappointment because the band was rapidly ascending.

A friend who knew this BPD woman told me he suspected her of the disorder. It was the first time I'd heard of it. I read about it and agreed, the "Yoko" was BPD.

Where I was stupid was in not having the vision or the ability to see my ex-BPDgf displayed many of the same traits as Yoko.

[Mutt]

Hi Outlet,



I share similar feelings with members in this discussion. I was pretty hard on myself after we broke up for not knowing that it was BPD. I'm not a doctor, how am I suppose to diagnose a personality disorder? That said, it helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I'm sorry that I can't help you with Spokane but I'm glad that you joined us. You'll see that you'll fit right in here.

[joeramabeme]

I have read ever book out there on BPD ( i.e.Walking on Eggshells). and wish I had known how to relate to my ex before the divorce that I could not stop or prevent. But one year later I have noy moved on well and she has not sought therapy for herself because obviously I am the problem. I took ALL the blame in 6 weeks of conjoined counseling two years ago. My low functioning 17 year old is estranged and living with mom. My 4 other children are older, healthy and close to me emotionally but live at a distance. Still in grief over this.
.

Hi Outlet and welcome to BPD Family, sounds like you have found a new home of fellow non's that share your experiences.


Like Mutt was saying; I too wished I had known about BPD before my divorce.  I didn't know and now that I have been on this site for one-year and am one-year out of an 11 year marriage, I don't believe that having the knowledge would have resulted in a different outcome.

As you likely know from your reading, pwBPD have a fear or abandonment and intimacy.  The fact that they are involved so deeply with us is what triggers the disorder.  I have come to believe it unlikely that getting closer to her would have helped.

I am glad you are here and starting the path to healing.  Where are you at right now with her and your daughter?  Do you have any contact?  Are both of you able to agree on some co-parenting strategies?

Best, JRB

[Sluggo]

Outlet,

Married 17 years (in process of divorce) with 7 kids.  I love my children but feel saddened that I brought them into this dysfunction.  I first realized it in 2011 and kick myself for not leaving then when the kids were still younger.  However 5 more years and the oldest 4 kids (oldest 16) are scared to show their affection toward me now especially in front of my wife.  Also I believe they have lost respect for me as I allowed my wife to disrespect me in front of them quite frequently over the years.  Now I have almost resigned myself that I have lost them and now the younger 3 are the kids I will have the closer relationship with.

Welcome and know you aren't alone.  And yes our marriage therapy went great as long as I took all the blame (I played my part in are problems but not 100%).  Once the MT started asking and challenging wife did it therapy stop and so did any hope for our relationship. 

I am still getting though this as it is still very raw at times.  This has been a great place to come along with talking this through with a therapist.