She sent email after 2 months of NC

[misaelb]

hi im very confused and lost right now... .last time i spoke with her she was pretty cold and kind of cruel... .but now she sends an email:

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You dont understand. I figured what we had was perfect, and should have taken proper care of it. Yet i know i would have done the same unproper things again and again. Im being honest. I have overcame bull___. And you're up here with me. I dont live with ghosts anymore, but seems i had to sacrifice the best i could have for it. Live with what i gave you as i do with what you gave me. We will meet at a trip and i will tell you that's real eternal love.

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Some context... .we were together 5 years, and she had all the BPD symptoms and traits... .i even took her to 2 dr's and it had seemed to work relatively the therapy and medication, but she ended up leaving suddenly like 4 months ago... .  last time i spoke with her she was seeing someone else already and she told me she was tired of being attached to me, like she wanted to be left alone with her new life... .

i tought i was doing ok reading this forum and resigning myself that i lost her, but now i dont know what this email really means... .it seems like closure and it hurts a lot but at the same time it seems like she appreciates what we had in a way i tought she had forgot... .

but idk seems pretty ambiguous message... .kind of cryptic,, idk if i should break NC for this... .

i really want to get over this... .and a strange thing, were from México, but the email was sent in english language which is strange as we never used to talk in english between ourselves... .


any thoughts? thanks for your time... .

[Mutt]

Hi misaelb,

You're right, it's kind of cryptic. What we do have is no contact for two months and she sent an email. I don't get the impression that you're split black, there's no anger / negativity in the words that are sent, my best guess is she's testing to see if things are Ok between you and her.

[JQ]

Hello misaelb,

Sorry you're going through all of this, most if not all of us have and we all are trying to or at least at one time we tried to make since of it all.  Do NOT apply logic to your relationship with your BPD r/s. It won't work, they live in a completely different world of their own.

If you've done your homework, you know that BPD's have a variety of behavior traits that can be confusing at the very least. IN addition to the BPD they can also have a dozen other comorbidity, like NPD.

In context to your post, I've received & had conversations very similar to your email. the email said, "I figured what we had was perfect", i've been told this more than once by my now exBPDgf.  Speaking to both of our r/s, the BPD has a vision of what a "perfect" r/s is.  In our respective r/s, we each met what their "pwBPD" thought what was a perfect r/s.

 "should have taken proper care of it", because of their Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness, they feel guilty for the things they've done and part of them would like to have been a better partner in the r/s.


"Yet i know i would have done the same unproper things again and again." I had more than one conversation & received more than one text like this.  My exBPDgf look right at me and told me, "You have done everything i've asked you to do ... .but I can't sit here and tell you I won't cheat on you".  In other words, I believe she was telling you what my exBPDgf was telling me.  She like you, might even "Love" you, but because of her Severe Cluster B Mental Illness, she is unable to control her behavior and part of her ... .if only for a moment you receive a glance of clarity in her thinking process. She knows she can not remain faithful to you in different ways, whether it's an affair of the mind, conversation or body and wants you to know this in her moment of honesty and clarity.

She said, " I don't live with ghosts anymore, but seems i had to sacrifice the best i could have for it.".  It appears that whatever in her life that caused her great pain no longer haunts her. But in the process of moving on, her Mental / Behavioral Illness has develop to protect her fragile mind, soul, being.  She knows that she sacrificed a r/s with you in order to live her life because her mental illness.  There is NOTHING you, me or anyone in the group can do to change this. Many Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist and others in the mental health field have tried. Know that it isn't due to anything you did, didn't do, say or didn't say ... .she has many demons that will never be slain and she knows this.

"Live with what i gave you as i do with what you gave me."  Mine told me this too ... .it is her way in a moment of clarity of giving you some type of closure to your r/s.  What you two had if only for a moment much less years was a special thing to her and she wants you to know this.

"We will meet at a trip and i will tell you that's real eternal love."  Mine told me that she would meet me in the next life and it would be a perfect love. She is Catholic and believes that we will meet again in heaven regardless of what our future holds here on this earth and when we do we will be together forever. 

Mine BPD was self aware & had seen mental health professionals for decades with little luck of behavioral changes or impulse control even at the age of 50. She would tell me she was "broken" which seems to be a common thing if you read a lot of the post from the group. It appears your BPD knows she is broken to for life ... .at least this life. She loves you and knows that you love her but because of her Mental Illness it can never be what you want and is wanting you to know this. Wants you to know that it's time to let go and move forward in your life.

And like A LOT of BPD's, she will reach out to you again in the future. It might be 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or 20 years from now because of an over whelming need to say hi, some guilt issues, she misses you, wants to see how you are or any dozen more reasons ... .but they will reach out ... .in a lot of cases.

But you have to decide if you will answer her text, call, email when she does.  Most of those in the group will tell you to go NC or No Contact in order to help you move forward in YOUR life. We will also give you guidance that finding a really good therapist in BPD / Codependent r/s to help you sort through your feelings thoughts and maybe find out why you are a codependent.  It key in healing & moving on for you.

Just a few thoughts ... .

J