WHy is BPD ex still sending me nasty emails with insults when its over

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This was a new experience for me, a relationship with a BPD ad Bipolar.  I thought I could handle it but I feel so beat down and exhausted.  My 40 year old ex BF and I broke up for the 4 th time in two years.  He keeps coming back and I allowed him back after he pleads with me he wont be cruel to me again. Nothing changes.  I have not responded to emails he keeps sending.  All are mean and insulting my body, sexuality, intelligence- the same patter each time.  If he is so repulsed by me, why not stop contacting me? Its bizarre.  Is this typical behavior of BPD?  I know hes looking for a fight or any response- even negative.  Then a few weeks later he'll come back on his hands and knees crying. I cant feel sorry for him anymore.  If Im so awful the most logical thing to do is move on not continue to abuse me verbally. Is verbal abuse typical behavior as well?  I suspect physical abuse will not be far behind.  He flys off the handle if I dont want to have sex whenever he wants, and he has tried to have sex with me when I was not awake, or after I said no.  I cant believe I was in that situation. 

[Forgetit]

This was a new experience for me, a relationship with a BPD ad Bipolar.  I thought I could handle it but I feel so beat down and exhausted.  My 40 year old ex BF and I broke up for the 4 th time in two years.  He keeps coming back and I allowed him back after he pleads with me he wont be cruel to me again. Nothing changes.  I have not responded to emails he keeps sending.  All are mean and insulting my body, sexuality, intelligence- the same patter each time.  If he is so repulsed by me, why not stop contacting me? Its bizarre.  Is this typical behavior of BPD?  I know hes looking for a fight or any response- even negative.  Then a few weeks later he'll come back on his hands and knees crying. I cant feel sorry for him anymore.  If Im so awful the most logical thing to do is move on not continue to abuse me verbally. Is verbal abuse typical behavior as well?  I suspect physical abuse will not be far behind.  He flys off the handle if I dont want to have sex whenever he wants, and he has tried to have sex with me when I was not awake, or after I said no.  I cant believe I was in that situation. 

[misaelb]

My ex-gf could be cruel but only when she was pretty depressed or triggered by something, he might be in a bad moment and feeling bad about himself. Her verbal abuse was always something desperate or a way to deffend herself, maybe this is the same in a way.

But everyone is different, you seem to have been trough a lot, and you need to take care of yourself, dont worry anymore about him, i would reccomend you to block his email adress so this wont affect you.

Be strong and focus on yourself, is hard but we cant really solve or completely understand another person mind, even less disordered persons. Good Luck.

[enlighten me]

With this sort of behaviour I like ti think of it as a six year old child. If you think about how young children behave then you will see a lot of similarities. When children fall out they put the other one down to show that theyre not at fault. They dont know how to communicate in a way that could resolve the dispute. Rather than look at your ex as an adult potraying this behaviour imagine them as a child. Ithink you will be suprised at how easy it is to see.

This helped me to not get wound up by my ex as its hard to get as angry with a child. It also made me chuckle as when my ex did it she reminded me of violet from just william. I'll scream and scream until im sick. Was one of her lines.

[JQ]

Hello Forgetit,

Welcome to the group ... .I'm sorry that you're going through this but glad you found us. I would recommend that you read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page to learn more about BPD and associated behaviors with it. AS you have found out, BPD can have multiple comorbidity or other behavioral issues like Bipolar.  Know that this has nothing to do with you. Nothing you said or didn't say, did or didn't do. Those with BPD have a VERY serious Cluster B Mental illness that creates chaos, disaster for not only their partners but themselves.  My exBPDgf has seen Ph.d's, Clinical Phycologist, clinical therapist and other mental health professionals for decades. She is very self aware and is no closer to controlling her behavior or impulse control issues then she was 30 years ago. I know she is mentally ill and it is knowing that that really starts the healing process.

DO NOT try to apply logic to a BPD r/s because it will never be logical. What you describe is perfect description of push / pull behavior. You also describe perfectly the devaluation of you and the deregulation of themselves.  You'll also need to learn about gas lighting, painted black painted white, projection, suicide idealization, lack of sense of self. You'll learn from your therapist & reading that this is quite likely a genetic defect deep within the brain that controls behavior or that lack there of. They have extreme fears real or not of abandonment and the lashing out is a way for them to push you away before you hurt them. It's a defense mechanism they learned, it's behavior of a sick mind. They have impulse control and have strong feelings of guilt.

If you'll look back you'll see behavior much like a 3 year old toddler. This is common since they are very much stuck in that type of behavior from most likely some sort of trauma, absent parent and a parent that had the Mental / Behavior illness before them. With the lack of ability to process "normal" feelings and behaviors like other, they lash out or push you away when they feel abandon. When they feel that you're almost gone they'll reach out to you to pull you back in with "love bombing".  They will very seldom apologize for any behavior because they feel they are always right.

I like you, like most in the group have suffered verbal, mental, emotional, physical abuse from our respective BPD's.  At some point it will be you and only you that will decide when enough is enough. My exBPDgf is very self aware of her behavior but unable to control her impulses or behavior. She is a highly educated woman with an Ivy league education with 2 Masters. She works for a Fortune 200 company, but has had no less than 3 dozen "boy friends" over her life and continues to have more then one at a time. She like other BPD are extremely afraid of being alone and in a lot of cases they have one r/s waiting , feeding in the wings while they're with you. When they feel that you say something wrong, hate them, are about to leave they will  paint you black and then "idealize" their new r/s aka replacement.

Do NOT take this personal as hard as that is to hear. It isn't about you, it's about them. They're Cluster B Mental Illness is one of the most challenging of mental illness and a lot of mental health professionals refuse to have any for clients because of the never ending challenges they present to them.  There are some that will say they have success in a BPD r/s but it's a matter of perspective of what you classify as "success".

Sex for a BPD is thought to be a way to show them you "love" them. In  fact when my exBPDgf told me she loved me, I asked her, "What does that mean to you exactly?". And she would respond that's a good question, I don't know. And to this date she has yet to define it. Remember this is a Ivy league educated woman with 2 Masters. So sex is a way to show them that you're still interested in them, that you're not going to leave. Mine would do the same thing, at the drop of the hat anywhere and everywhere. But soon afterwards the flying monkey's would be out of their cages and she would expect me to put them al back in their cages and jump on the crazy train roller coaster.

Since this is your first post I will leave you with a couple of video's that are motivational and hopefully gives you the thing you need to know the you ... .YOU are a very special person! That you mean something in this life!  And maybe one to make you laugh or at least smile.

The Moped Diaries ... .a friend sent this to me at a very dark moment of my BPD r/s that helped me realize a couple of life lessons ... ."Sometimes people leave and sometimes unexpectedly, take a deep breath, morn the loss and start living again!".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k


"Even the most confident and motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg


The 5 Stages of Denial ... .this one will make you laugh ... ."stupid quicksand"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY


You need to start taking care of YOU!  Start eating right because nothing good comes from junk food not even your poo.    That was suppose to help you smile and or laugh which brings me to the next point ... .get your sense of humor back.

Go to a funny movie, go to a comedy shop with your friends ... .laughter makes things better.

Go to the gym, get out and run, go ride a bike. This will help you get the good endorphins moving in your body and reduce the stress you have.

It'll also help you get some sleep which you probably not doing. Stop off at the grocery store and get some Melatonin ... .NOT TO WORRY it's NOT a drug. When you're stressed your body reduces the natural hormone Melatonin that helps you fall asleep so you need a supplement which is why you'll find it in the vitamin isle in the store. Don't worry you can't OD on it ... .I've taken 60-70mgs for days when I was at the height of my stress level from my BPD ex.

Then call a friend you haven't talked to in awhile ... .no need to tell them what is going on in your life ... .just catch up with them.

Then come back here as often as you need to and as often as you want to to get some guidance, ask questions or just to vent. We're here for you and we always will be.

J