Help the FOG is taking over again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys! I haven't been on here for a while... .I went basically NC with my uBPD little sis, and my life has been SOO much better! But now she's wanting to text and visit each other again, and of course all the while pretending that all of the horror she created didn't happen. And to be honest I just want all her drama out of my life. But I feel so guilty... .because my life is awesome and loving, and her life and marriage is awful. And I know God and she doesn't, and that has to just be scary as Hell.

Part of me knows that she is choosing her own path and there's nothing I can do to help her anyway. And she hates me and doesn't want my help. Except for when I'm the best sister ever and she is fighting with her husband again. And I mostly just want to be done with all her BS. But I know somewhere in the deep recesses of my soul that it is not the right thing to do.

It's like watching someone drown, but every time you reach out your hand to help they just try to drown you with them. It's so frustrating having to CONSTANTLY set boundaries and reiterate them over and over and over, and still have them disrespected. I want to get in her face and scream "you are destroying your life behaving like this!" But we all know how well direct confrontation works with BPD (it doesn't).

Please help, any ideas or wisdom would be great. Thanks and God bless!

[Charlie3236]

Hi guys! I haven't been on here for a while... .I went basically NC with my uBPD little sis, and my life has been SOO much better! But now she's wanting to text and visit each other again, and of course all the while pretending that all of the horror she created didn't happen. And to be honest I just want all her drama out of my life. But I feel so guilty... .because my life is awesome and loving, and her life and marriage is awful. And I know God and she doesn't, and that has to just be scary as Hell.

Part of me knows that she is choosing her own path and there's nothing I can do to help her anyway. And she hates me and doesn't want my help. Except for when I'm the best sister ever and she is fighting with her husband again. And I mostly just want to be done with all her BS. But I know somewhere in the deep recesses of my soul that it is not the right thing to do.

It's like watching someone drown, but every time you reach out your hand to help they just try to drown you with them. It's so frustrating having to CONSTANTLY set boundaries and reiterate them over and over and over, and still have them disrespected. I want to get in her face and scream "you are destroying your life behaving like this!" But we all know how well direct confrontation works with BPD (it doesn't).

Please help, any ideas or wisdom would be great. Thanks and God bless!

[Charlie3236]

Just as a side note, I've suggested over and over that we see a counselor together to try to build a healthier relationship, and she keeps refusing. She won't give me a reason... .Any idea why?

[HappyChappy]

I've suggested over and over that we see a counselor together to try to build a healthier relationship, and she keeps refusing. She won't give me a reason... .Any idea why?

Hi Charlie3236

So sorry the fog has come back, but isn’t it great that things have been SOO much better. I know my recover was two steps forwards and one back, so don’t worry about the fog.

 You raise a very pertinent issue, one I know I struggled with, which is how frustrating it is that our BPD loved ones will not change. They cling to the belief that there’s never anything wrong with them and hence no need to change. That’s normally the main reason a BPD won’t go to a counselling. Even if they do go, the perception may well be it was for changing you, as they don’t need changing.

Yet we deserve validation over how a BPD makes us feel, we deserve an apology, but we’ll never get it. What has helped me here, is acknowledging a BPD has an emotional age of 8 at times. The silent treatment the sulking, the trying to wind you up... .And somehow we make acceptations for children, maybe this is the thing tugging “in the deep recesses of [your] soul” ? Conversely, we can’t parent everyone, so NC is also a valid approach.

I went NC and the worked on grieving the relationship that should have been (mom and brother). The following that up with “Radical acceptance”. There are various techniques a T can use to help you mine used Gestalt. Then once you are stronger, and more practiced at boundary setting, hopefully you would find it much easier to deal with your sister. But we also need to communicate in a certain way to get the best out of our BPD loved ones. Here a popular one:
TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Your progress through NC sound very encouraging, and  you can always revert back to this. Your sister will probably expect things to go back to how they were. But now you’re more knowledgeable, and know techniques such as S.E.T. you should have more control over the relationship. What are your current thoughts ? Will you be re-connecting ? If so how ? 

[Fie]

Hello Charlie3236  

As everyone on this forum here, I know perfectly well what you mean by having FOG. Maybe to help  lift it, you could ask yourself what you would advise a good friend, if he / she told the things you have posted.

I went basically NC with my uBPD little sis, and my life has been SOO much better!

Do you think you will actively influence your sisters life in a positive way, when you establish contact again ? You are saying your life is better when she  is not around. Will her life be better when you are around ?

 

I mostly just want to be done with all her BS. But I know somewhere in the deep recesses of my soul that it is not the right thing to do.

Why would it not be  the right thing to do ? I don't think there is a right or wrong here.
And  again, does your presence change something for her ? You are saying she  hates you and does not want your help. Then maybe you can ask yourself  why you keep insisting to help her ? Maybe it is you who needs help, maybe you could work on your feelings of FOG ? And  get even happier then you are now ? Because that  is what you deserve.

You can also choose a middle way and make it clear to your sister that you will try to help her, but not when she says she hates you and doesn't want to be helped. That there are boundaries.
But again, I do think we also need to think about ourselves. You stated you are so happy with NC. If I were you, I would think very hard before going back to having contact - and possibly loosing yourself along the way.

[Charlie3236]

Hi again HappyChappy and thank you for your wisdom! I don't know how you know so much, but I'm so glad you are here to share it and support us!

To answer your questions, I'm sure we will reconnect at least at an LC level for family gatherings, etc. Which I guess I should be happy about and just radically accept that that is the only relationship we can have that will be decent. I want her to grow and change and be better and joyful, but that's MY agenda and clearly not hers, so thanks for reminding me of that! I need to revisit SET, that seems to work well for us, albeit seeming a bit inauthentic on my part.

Will keep you posted! And thanks again for taking the time to respond! 

[Charlie3236]

Thank you Fie, those are really great points and questions! And no, I don't think my sister will be helped at all by my presence, other than to able to sweep one more difficult situation under the carpet and pretend that nothing happened. But what it will do is hopefully (at least a little) unbreak our aging father's heart. And perhaps demonstrate one healthy family interaction to her amidst her sea of pain and anger she surrounds herself with.

I do fear losing my own peace and serenity again though, so I'd have to have better boundaries in place than I do now. Somehow I still think of her as a real, whole, rational adult... .But she's demonstrated time & again that she is not, so I'm not sure why I can't seem to keep hold of that reality. I guess I'm still grieving. I lost my uBPD mother to this horror, and now I'm losing little sis to the same demon.

I believe it's wrong to shut another human being out of your life permanently with no hope for their recovery. I'm not saying keep being abused! But going NC forever, while it sounds super appealing seems like I'm throwing her out as a person because she's sick. I dunno, maybe I'm not seeing this from the right angle. After our mother committed suicide I basically became a pseudo-mother to her, a role that is tough to let go! Even though she HATES it and she hates me! LOL

Maybe it's just more of that FOG that makes me want to reconnect. It's so much easier without her in my life, and I'm not sure what you mean by maybe I need help, but I do feel really guilty about it.
:/

Anyway, thanks so much for your insights Fie, you really got me thinking hard about whether or not this is a good idea!

[Charlie3236]

Just had to add... .In thinking further about your Qs Fie, I do think that she could benefit from being around us. I think no matter how sick someone is, they can always benefit from being loved and being around people who are happy and healthy!

Not to relate my sister to a dog, but we rescued a dog who was severely beaten as a puppy and has brain damage and a seizure disorder because of it. Do I think he will ever be cured by being part of our family... .No. But I do know that the rest of his life will be GREAT, and that his seizures have become almost non-existant!

So yes, I do believe that my sister can benefit from being around a stable, healthy family! It's not all about me, she hasn't been much of a sister for a long, long time. But even though she is completely lost, we're the only stable influence she's got. How can I deny her that?

[Fie]

Hello Charlie3236,
Well being a child of BPD myself, I do also see positives in being around BPD.  When I hear you talking I absolutely can see that you are a lovely person and also willing to take on a lot of responsability.
Be careful though, BPD parents are masters at parentifying their children. This is something I struggle with myself : I am good at taking responsability for my life, I don't procrastinate, etc. But I have to be careful not to take responsability for other people's life and to interfere where really I should not.
That is part of what I meant 'maybe you need help' (we all do) in unlearning FOG.
Sometimes it is good for me to hear that NO I am in no way obligated to keep being around my unhealthy family. I am pretty much NC now (call it an extremely form of LC). And truth is, I do feel guilty about that (emotionally, not rationally). But I feel so much better ! A lot less anxious, my quality of living has improved a lot. And when the FOG comes up, I just think about what one member told me, that NC does not have to be forever. It also helps that my FOO does not really WANT me around (cf you saying that your sister hates you).
Maybe it helps to ask yourself the question : which life do you valid most, yours or your sister ? When  I read what you are saying, it seems like you put your sister's life before yours - is that a wrong impression ?
I totally get that having been practically like a mum for her, has something to do with that (parentifying). We often put the intrests of our children before our own.
But your sister is a grown up now ... .
And the dog you rescued is in no way able to take responsability for his life. Your sister is.
BPD btw is not a disease, it's a character disturbance. For me this helps to let me see that they can take responsability to heal - if they want.

[Panda39]

Hi Charlie3236,

I hear the compassion you have for your sister and the love in spite of her mental illness.  I hear that you feel responsible for her and I hear that you want to (feel responsible) make your father happy by re-connecting with your sister.

I would suggest that you are not responsible for either of them.  You are responsible for you.  You say your sister deserves the benefit of "being loved and being around people who are happy and healthy!... ." I would submit that you deserve the very same.  If you are like me it can be hard to put yourself first (particularly if you have been raised to be a caretaker) but remember to value yourself and care for yourself as much as you do your sister and your father.  It is not selfish to put your needs first it is self care.

You need to decide what you will do regarding your sister but I want to make sure... .give you permission... .to consider your needs are as important, if not more important than your sister's or your father's.  You love them and want to do what is best for them... .love yourself and do what is best for you.

Panda39

[Starting_Over]

How does 'knowing God' help you? Different people have beliefs, and everyone gains different things from what they believe in. You sound pretty condescending towards your sister, I think you are probably contributing all more to the negativity of the relationship then you are recognizing.

[Fie]

You say your sister deserves the benefit of "being loved and being around people who are happy and healthy!... ." I would submit that you deserve the very same. 

I would like to add on this wise remark of panda39. You are saying your sister deserves to be around people who are happy and healthy (I agree, we all deserve that). But how can one of those happy and healthy people  be you ? Since from what you're saying I get the impression you can only be happy when *not* around her.

In no way are you an exception ... .BPD tend to make people around then unhappy.  Unfortunately I have a few of them in my own FOO, and I can say that those who stick around them are not exactly cheerful people. Either they are also toxic to start with, either they get miserable from hanging around (and they leave).

[Charlie3236]

Wow, thanks Fie & Panda for those great insights! And Fie thank you so much for reminding me that this is not a disease but a PERSONALITY disturbance. It helps to think that she COULD make the decision to get help and be better, I've always felt that my mum and my sister both were making a choice to behave the way they did, because they seem to be able to keep it together around certain people and situations.

I definitely still feel responsible for my sister, because from the minute she was born (I was 5) it was my mission to protect her from the horrors going on in our home. And honestly I think I did a pretty awesome job for a 5-yo! (She would definitely disagree!)

She is also bipolar, so there are intense mood swings and feelings of elation, along with violent depressive episodes. Nothing makes any sense, it's the 'Alice in Wonderland' I experienced as a child all over again! So where I'm at now... .Trying to let go of the responsibility of keeping her safe and healthy (and alive), and just let whatever will be just BE. Que sera, sera. I know 100% that I cannot really help or change her anyway (other than with prayer). And taking care of myself and my family, thanks for reminding me that THAT is primary Panda!

My sister now wants to come back into our life with no responsibility or consequences from the complete demolition act she did last year. And I'm just not willing to do that. She will never babysit my son or be alone with him ever, ever again... .She's just too unstable and I won't risk exposing him to the trauma I experienced growing up with my BPD mum.

I would have bent over backward to give her the moon and stars, but she killed it. Yes I still love her, but my feelings will never be the same (short of seeing a complete miracle turn-around). She's done too much damage at this point.

I'm still grieving the loss of raising my son with a cool aunt, my sister and best friend. But that's not how it will be. Broken-hearted

[Fie]

I'm still grieving the loss of raising my son with a cool aunt, my sister and best friend. But that's not how it will be. Broken-hearted

I can so relate to this feeling  

Is there a godmother in the life of your son ? Or maybe some great friend of yours, who can take up  the role of 'new cool aunt' ?
When my daughter would get in a negative mood about not having a large family due  to a lot of dysfunctional members, I remind her of her cool godmother, who we consider 'new family'. Same for the new wife of her dad, whom she has a really good bond with.

Sometimes I go with my friends to some playground, beach, ... .where my daughter can play and the adults  can talk or walk.  As a result my friends also get to know my daughter, and are somehow  involved  in her life. They play with her, they ask about her when she's not around and ask me to say hi, her name is on cards they send  us when on vacation, ... .
I know that's not the same as having an aunt, but it all depends on how you look at it. Our children can feel loved by the people around us, without necessarily having a blood  bound with  them.

[Charlie3236]

Hi again Fie! 

We actually do have a Godmother for my son... .my best friend from church, who is also his nanny and pseudo-aunt! So that is a HUGE blessing that I am soo grateful for! He's also starting preschool soon, so I'm hoping there will be other good connections for all of us.

He barely even remembers my sister on the rare occasion he sees her now, so it's not a big loss for him. I'm the only one who is still broken up about it! Not sure why I keep holding on to the fantasy.