Getting over walking on eggshells on Facebook

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One of the reasons we broke up is because of her extreme jealousy.
Unfortunately, I started walking on eggshells pretty badly around the phone and Facebook so as not to trigger her (it didn't work-- it made her more suspicious). Now that we're over, I find myself STILL walking on eggshells on Facebook (eg thinking of her reactions to stuff, etc) even though she is probably not looking at my page anymore. Did/do other people have this problem? What did you do about it?

[kc sunshine]

One of the reasons we broke up is because of her extreme jealousy.
Unfortunately, I started walking on eggshells pretty badly around the phone and Facebook so as not to trigger her (it didn't work-- it made her more suspicious). Now that we're over, I find myself STILL walking on eggshells on Facebook (eg thinking of her reactions to stuff, etc) even though she is probably not looking at my page anymore. Did/do other people have this problem? What did you do about it?

[Xstang77]

I'm working on the courage myself,since I've been nc with her ive acted dead on fb aside from closed groups,I didn't even like or comment on any of our mutual friends things because I did in the beginning and they seemed to be brainwashed to by their behavior,guess you could just block her and mural friends etc. but I think eventually I'll get to the point where I don't give a ___ anymore.

[gotbushels]

I didn't have this issue on Facebook. The only avenue I had between my ex and I was phone texting.

To simplify things, my ex was the type that would find some way to attack basically everything I did--her enforcement methods were pretty horrible. She also exhibited extreme jealousy, so I can relate closely to your example of walking eggshells here. Thus, post-separation, I was also somewhat conscious of phone things.

For phone:

I thought of these things: What photo would I use if I didn't care? Done. What would I do if she texted me? Done. What status would I use if I didn't care? Done.

If you want you can go further: "What photo would she use? If she texts me, what would it be about and what can I do to enforce my limit? What status would she use?" Then you use those to guide what not to do. I read enough of the "science" and theory part of BPD--so I was consequently certain that I didn't want to do what I predicted of her. I'm quite introverted compared to her attempted "marketing" personality on social media and I wasn't looking at finding another relationship, so I found this part quite straightforward.

For Facebook:

If you're okay with not being friends with her and you've thought it through that she's no longer using triggering behaviours to "get you in line", I'd consider just blocking her and dusting your hands    If you want to remain in contact, I would consider writing down a basic plan with what you hope to achieve through the remaining in contact. Then just do that and adjust. I think you can see what direction things could go.

Good luck kc sunshine!

[kc sunshine]

I like this approach a lot-- what photo would I use if I didn't care-- the fake it til you make it approach! Or the "as if" approach... .

[JQ]

Hello KC,

I've been reading your post on several of the forums here for some time. You and I have exchanged more than a few posts and you've gone back and forth from this one to a couple of the others. But you question of how others would deal with this question begs the question, "If you're truly broking up, why do YOU care what she thinks, says, or "likes" on Facebook?"  If your intent to move forward of this on again, off again, Push / Pull r/s with someone who has BPD then why haven't you blocked her from your Facebook post"?

Why are you walking on eggshells on your Facebook post? Are you wishing to engage her again at sometime in the future? Are you wishing that she would call, text, reach out to you to see if you would come back only to start all of this over again delaying your healing of your mind, body, & soul?

I and others are confused as to what you really want to achieve here, what is your end goal?  I can understand the, "I'm still finding myself thinking of her & her reactions", but really if your intent is to heal YOURSELF then what difference does it make what she thinks if you're truly broken up and this dysfunctional BPD r/s is over?

You know from your experience, reading & research of BPD & your 750 post on this sight that she has & will always have impulse control issues, behavioral issues, will rage, pout, throw temper tantrums, gas light you, and will continue to manipulate you & your reactions, & thoughts as is evidence with your concern over her thoughts of YOUR social media page.

To YOUR question, "What did you do about it"? I like others blocked our exBPD on Facebook & other social media and we've blocked their number from receiving text or phone calls from them. This is just one step in the right direction of self healing and moving forward in our respective lives. The other is getting a REALLY good therapist who is experienced in BPD / Codependent r/s so that you can learn about your history and find out why your attracted to this type of person. Others will testify that this is also one of the key's on your journey of healing and moving forward.

But in the end as always, it is YOUR choice as to what path you take on your journey. The group can't and we won't tell you what path to take, but what we will do is support you and hold out a hand to pick you up when you stumble.

Do you want to continue this r/s full of chaos, jealousy, raging, temper tantrum, impulse control issues, and walking on eggshells just to name a handful? The choice has and will always be yours KC.

I wish you strength & peace on your journey and the wisdom, knowledge & most certainly the courage to take the path that is correct for you.

J

[kc sunshine]

Thanks for your combo of true words, support, and tough love JC! I've so appreciated it over the years. What you say is true-- if I still am thinking/caring about what she thinks, it means I'm still attached.

[married21years]

hi bud

extreme jealousy i now realize was psychological projection for her cheating

i too was the same now we are separated i don't care i post what i like but nothing about the people in my life to keep them safe!

i know she looks as she is pissed by a lot of the funnies i post

do what you want tat makes you happy and safe

except Morris dancing never do Morris dancing

[kc sunshine]

Hahaha, definitely no Morris dancing!

Yeah, her extreme jealousy was projection on her part as well. Whoa, what a powerfully awful boomerang.

hi bud

extreme jealousy i now realize was psychological projection for her cheating

i too was the same now we are separated i don't care i post what i like but nothing about the people in my life to keep them safe!

i know she looks as she is pissed by a lot of the funnies i post

do what you want tat makes you happy and safe

except Morris dancing never do Morris dancing