Today I grieve

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today marks nearly 60 days of NC with my exBPDgf.  In the end I was the one who made the decision to walk away from the relationship.  It was rough for so very long.  We broke up so many times and always always recycled.  60 days ago I made a decision I would not go back no matter the cost.  In that time my life has been amazing.  I have so many people who love me and who are cheering for me to keep away and move one.  I am working with a therapist who also tried to help her and I.  The chaos is gone.  The drama is gone.  I have peace.  I have fun.  I have serenity.

I post today because today I am grieving the loss of her.  Today my soul hurts.  Today the finality of it all is real.  I am choosing to grieve.  I am choosing to let the tears flow.  I tried for 5 years to make things work and in that entire 5 years I have not cried.  I have been angry and frustrated.  At 60 days of NC the tears have finally started to come.  I realize I cannot save her and I cannot go back.  I sit packing the last pieces of a life I so very much wanted to work away into boxes.  A part of me knows she is right there if I reach out, but my heart does not want to reach out, but instead it wants to feel the loss and heal.

I have not posted on here much, if at all, but I lurk and read to help me in my journey to recovery.  My story is like many of the others I have read.  She is choosing to do some crazy things today that I have no control over and no business trying to save her from.  I worry about her and what she is doing with her life now.  The actions she is taking seem so extreme and so very crazy.  I hear about her through the grapevine as people give me that look of “wow what is she doing” as they tell me of her latest Facebook postings.  One month ago I opened a birthday card she sent to me in the mail which ended with “I will always love you”.  I did not respond but instead discarded as to not continue to re-read.  Three days later she flew off to Hawaii solo, with a one-way ticket, leaving her son, her life, and everyone else behind her the state I live in.  She did not say goodbye.  My kids loved her and are so very sad that she did not say a word, just left.  I hear today, 30 days later, she’s posting pictures of her new Hawaii drivers license and talk of buying a house in Hawaii.  She has not had a job for 2 years.  I cannot make sense of any of this nonsense.  Crazy making.  I write this post in a place of just feeling so very sad to it all.  I have no more tears to cry today.  I cannot save her and I cannot reach out.  Everyone tells me she wants me to save her from this.  That she wants me to find out.  I don’t know why someone would go to such extremes.

I am choosing to sit in it.  I am choosing to feel these lose.  I am choosing to love her enough to let her finally go.  I am choosing to love myself enough to let her go and move on with my life.  I miss her yet I know I cannot be with her.

[JustDontKn0w]

Today marks nearly 60 days of NC with my exBPDgf.  In the end I was the one who made the decision to walk away from the relationship.  It was rough for so very long.  We broke up so many times and always always recycled.  60 days ago I made a decision I would not go back no matter the cost.  In that time my life has been amazing.  I have so many people who love me and who are cheering for me to keep away and move one.  I am working with a therapist who also tried to help her and I.  The chaos is gone.  The drama is gone.  I have peace.  I have fun.  I have serenity.

I post today because today I am grieving the loss of her.  Today my soul hurts.  Today the finality of it all is real.  I am choosing to grieve.  I am choosing to let the tears flow.  I tried for 5 years to make things work and in that entire 5 years I have not cried.  I have been angry and frustrated.  At 60 days of NC the tears have finally started to come.  I realize I cannot save her and I cannot go back.  I sit packing the last pieces of a life I so very much wanted to work away into boxes.  A part of me knows she is right there if I reach out, but my heart does not want to reach out, but instead it wants to feel the loss and heal.

I have not posted on here much, if at all, but I lurk and read to help me in my journey to recovery.  My story is like many of the others I have read.  She is choosing to do some crazy things today that I have no control over and no business trying to save her from.  I worry about her and what she is doing with her life now.  The actions she is taking seem so extreme and so very crazy.  I hear about her through the grapevine as people give me that look of “wow what is she doing” as they tell me of her latest Facebook postings.  One month ago I opened a birthday card she sent to me in the mail which ended with “I will always love you”.  I did not respond but instead discarded as to not continue to re-read.  Three days later she flew off to Hawaii solo, with a one-way ticket, leaving her son, her life, and everyone else behind her the state I live in.  She did not say goodbye.  My kids loved her and are so very sad that she did not say a word, just left.  I hear today, 30 days later, she’s posting pictures of her new Hawaii drivers license and talk of buying a house in Hawaii.  She has not had a job for 2 years.  I cannot make sense of any of this nonsense.  Crazy making.  I write this post in a place of just feeling so very sad to it all.  I have no more tears to cry today.  I cannot save her and I cannot reach out.  Everyone tells me she wants me to save her from this.  That she wants me to find out.  I don’t know why someone would go to such extremes.

I am choosing to sit in it.  I am choosing to feel these lose.  I am choosing to love her enough to let her finally go.  I am choosing to love myself enough to let her go and move on with my life.  I miss her yet I know I cannot be with her.

[rfriesen]

Such a beautiful post, JDK. It sounds like you have made a firm decision and are truly closing a chapter in your life. When I came out of my relationship with my ex, once and for all, it also took me a couple of months before I could really grieve. In a sense I had already accepted the finality of my decision, but I wasn't ready to sit with it and deal with the grief until I had some distance.

My relationship was a year and half long, with the second half involving a lot of pain, mistrust, and recycling. I can only imagine what five years would feel like and the magnitude of grieving that would go with turning the page on that.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard it must be to keep focused on yourself while dealing with that feeling that your ex is waiting to be saved by you. In my ex, I saw a kind, loving, warm person who had a side to her that seemed so broken and desperate, and because of that she acted out in terrible ways. I still find it hard - four and a half months after the final break-up - to think of the pain I saw her express, to think of how she throws herself at relationships hoping to be saved, and to know how desperately she looked to me to make it all right. It's truly a heartbreaking experience.

But once I made the decision to detach and began to recover my peace, my serenity, a stable happiness (as opposed to wild highs and painful lows), my focus on work, etc, I could see how futile and dysfunctional our relationship had been. Sounds like you've reached a similar place?

Letting go is one of the hardest things in life. But it creates space for new things, and hopefully a richer, fuller, more balanced life. How wonderful that you're feeling so comfortable with your decision

[fromheeltoheal]

I post today because today I am grieving the loss of her.  Today my soul hurts.  Today the finality of it all is real.  I am choosing to grieve.  I am choosing to let the tears flow.  I tried for 5 years to make things work and in that entire 5 years I have not cried.  I have been angry and frustrated.  At 60 days of NC the tears have finally started to come.  

That's the sound of detachment JustDont.  When we're in a stressful situation our body protects us by shutting down emotions, all of them except the intense ones that break through, and you've removed yourself from the stress now, so you're relaxing into your feelings, and here come the tears.  And you're choosing to do that, which is a good move.  Crying is what pain leaving feels like, and feeling what you're feeling all the way through is the way out.

I am choosing to sit in it.  I am choosing to feel these lose.  I am choosing to love her enough to let her finally go.  I am choosing to love myself enough to let her go and move on with my life.  I miss her yet I know I cannot be with her.

I'm sorry it didn't work, how we know it couldn't work, and thank you for sharing your healthy choices to grieve and to love yourself enough to let her go.  More will likely come up as you work through everything, and please share as it does.  Take care of you!

[JustDontKn0w]

I think what really gets me, confuses me, just doesn't make sense is her just leaving the state.  It has really brought the finality of it all to life and she is making sure to let the "entire world" know about what she is doing.  Why she would just make a spur of the moment decision to fly one-way to Hawaii and now talking about staying blows my mind.  She has a 13 year old son who she just left here with his dad he has only known a very short time.  I feel so confused by this action and I find myself trying to make sense of it.  I know this is typical impulsive behavior of a person like her.  She is telling people she is buying a house but I also cannot figure out how.  She has not had a job for 2 years and living off of very little money.  How does someone like this just buy a house in Hawaii of all places in less than 4 weeks?  May be I am driving myself crazy by this.  May be I had hopes that she would resurface and come to me "a changed woman".  Wishful thinking that is being squashed by her actions.  People tell me they think it is all a lie aimed at getting me to react.  It seems so extreme to me.  Why would someone make that up?  Why would someone leave their only son, their child, here like that.  I hope by just posting it may help me release this and move on.  I sincerely want to move on.  I know I am grieving a fantasy of what I had hoped our relationship would be come.  She is not the woman I have the fantasy about and is why I left.  I wanted her to fit my fantasy but she is incapable of that, which is being a true partner and a spouse.  I am filled with hurt and anger over things that she has done.  Things she used as reason she could not move on in ways in our relationship yet is now doing them in less than 2 months after leaving.  Venting here helps but I need to accept this and move on.  As much as I never want to talk to her or see her again, I can't help but see her face in my mind at every turn right now.  Thanks for listening.  It helps.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know I am grieving a fantasy of what I had hoped our relationship would be come.  She is not the woman I have the fantasy about and is why I left.  I wanted her to fit my fantasy but she is incapable of that, which is being a true partner and a spouse. 

Was it a fantasy JDK, or a dream?  The difference being dreams can become goals and we can work towards them to make them reality, where fantasies stay fantasies.  Many of us did what you did, created a fantasy in our heads of what the relationship was, projected that fantasy on our partner, and made it so big and bright that it overshadowed the reality, and the reality got more dysfunctional. 

I realize it's early, you're still shocked, hurt and angry, totally appropriate, and moving forward, as we work to grieve and untangle what went down, it's helpful to look at how we interpreted things, what we made them mean, what we might have ignored, and most importantly, what can we learn from them.

[JustDontKn0w]

Was it a fantasy JDK, or a dream?  The difference being dreams can become goals and we can work towards them to make them reality, where fantasies stay fantasies. 

It was some where in the middle.  I had goals I worked toward.  She talked about goals and talked about working toward those goals, but her actions were not in line with her words.  I hoped for her to be a someone she was not able to be.  I have been married before to a wonderful woman who I have kids with.  My ex-wife is normal and still very much in my life.  Our relationship ended because I was severely alcoholic.  I have been sober for a number of years now and had this BPD relationship in sobriety.  I am have been seeing a very good therapist for 1 year now who has helped me see that I was chasing a fantasy.  I had hopes that my exBPDgf would have the same types of qualities as my ex-wife.  Don't get me wrong, I did not want my exBPDgf to be my ex-wife, but had hoped she would be a spouse, a partner, who would help build a home together.  She seemed so incapable of that even telling me she needed me to not expect or count on her to participate in anything what so ever.  She needed me to make everything optional because she could not take the pressure of the commitment to show up.  Meaning if we were to do things as a family (I have 4 kids and she has 1) that I needed to just plan on whatever it was and not expect her to participate at all.  She said, and I quote, that she would show up if she wanted to show up.  This was very hard for me and one of the reasons I could not continue with her.  She felt that it was ok and should be perfectly normal for me to plan lets say a week long vacation with the kids but do so without expecting her to show up.  She wanted to make the decision at the very last minute.  One case I had a vacation planned for 4 months with my sisters and their families (total of about 20 people).  About 3 or 4 days before we were getting ready to go on this vacation my exBPDgf said she wanted to go along with us.  By this point I made the decision that I did not want her to go because she made things so very miserable and I just did not want her to go along because I was looking forward to the time in peace.  Even typing this I cannot believe I am grieving her when this was the insanity of it.  The fact I did not even want her to go.  Oh my just typing this I am seeing how insane that relationship was and how it was not ok.  I left for a reason and it is flooding in on me as I type this.  Today I am grieving ... .and truly grieving a fantasy. 

My fantasy was being with a woman who would help plan a vacation, get excited for the vacation (either alone or with the family), take steps to go on the vacation, and be a fun person while on the vacation.

That is just one of the fantasies I had of her.

We went on a number of vacations all over the world that did not go like that at all.  They were all complete nightmares that usually had us fighting before we even left the airport.  I took her to Dubai on one occasion and she was a nightmare on the flight to the point I swore I would never fly internationally with her again.  She was a complete nightmare at customs in Dubai making a complete scene upon arrival.  She and I fought so much that trip.  She would walk out in the middle of the night and I had no clue where she even went.  What a freaking nightmare.

And yet here I sit grieving this woman!  How she is able to have this power over me still is frustrating.  This is why I do not want to go back.  This is why I want to feel this and move on with my life. 

[cherryblossom]

[/quote]

  Crying is what pain leaving feels like,

I love that!

[rfriesen]

and feeling what you're feeling all the way through is the way out.

I'll just add the second half of the sentence that cherryblossom quoted because it really speaks to me.

When things were well and truly ended with my ex, I spent a couple of months telling myself all kinds of things about my emotions - my mind would constantly be spinning around things my ex had done, or that I had done, or things we had said ... .always trying to explain my feelings to myself or justify them or convince myself once and for all that I had done the right thing or done my best or that I would be so miserable with my ex ... .I'm not saying any of that was wrong. But eventually I realised that my only way forward was to gradually calm my mind and feel my emotions. They weren't going away no matter how much effort my mind put into explaining and spinning them.

I don't want to project my experience onto yours, JDK, but just to let you know that your post resonated with me because I also went through a similar phase of delayed grief. I think part of the challenge many of us faced in the relationships that brought us here, is that these relationships brought out so many conflicting emotions. It's hard to bring it all together into a coherent picture, and that leaves our mind spinning. As you say, you write down some of the more difficult memories, and you start to wonder why you miss this person so much. Why do we grieve so hard for someone who brought us so much pain and conflict? It must be that we've also connected with them in some deep way, and we miss that connection. And it makes perfect sense to grieve that loss, even if we know we made the best choice in leaving the relationship.

Maybe during the good times with your ex you felt understood on a deeper level? Or some part of you came alive for the first time? She could not give you the relationship you ultimately wanted and so you had to let go. It sounds like you are sure of your decision, and that is a tremendous positive. But it can still leave a lot of conflicting and painful emotions to work through. That work can be hard, but it's also a wonderful chance to feel some of our deepest emotions in all their richness, to give ourselves the understanding we've been seeking from others, and to learn what we truly need and want from a partner.

[JustDontKn0w]

Maybe during the good times with your ex you felt understood on a deeper level? Or some part of you came alive for the first time? She could not give you the relationship you ultimately wanted and so you had to let go. It sounds like you are sure of your decision, and that is a tremendous positive. But it can still leave a lot of conflicting and painful emotions to work through. That work can be hard, but it's also a wonderful chance to feel some of our deepest emotions in all their richness, to give ourselves the understanding we've been seeking from others, and to learn what we truly need and want from a partner.

Yes you are exactly right.  I did (and still do) feel she and I have a deeper connection and yes she brought alive parts of me that I did not know existed.  Many of the things I love today were a result of her influence in my life.  She helped me realize things I truly value in another person.  She was not all bad. 

I am firm in my decision and continue to move forward.  I am processing and have moments of doubt that I am making the right decision.  Playing the tape through continually shows me that no matter what it will be the same.  Yes I can go back and I am sure she is there and would love nothing more than for me to reach out for her.  I just know that my true life happiness lies in front of me and not behind me.  I tried reaching back so many times and yet am right here as a result. 

I do love her.  Part of me wants her to know that.  Part of me wants her to know I am grieving her.  She would tell me I was soulless because I could never cry over her, which was true when she was in the picture.  I want her to know I love you so very much and this is not easy for me to walk away from, but I also cannot continue to hurt her either.  I was the one who continually broke it off and then went back, not her.  She would have stayed in the cycle forever because she has done it so many times in her past relationships she knows leaving won't change that.  Her solution is not with another person where it won't exist.  Her solution is with me continuing on in our cycle for life.  I am sad that I must leave a person who I ultimately "wish" I was able to be with.

Thank you for listening.  It truly helps me make it another day.

[rfriesen]

I just know that my true life happiness lies in front of me and not behind me. 

This a deep insight. It must be very liberating? Even if part of what it frees you for is working through difficult emotions. I know, for me, that was a real mental shift -- I used to associate freedom only with positive feelings, but now I've realised that it's also a tremendous gift when we feel free to work through painful emotions too. Life is richer, but not necessarily easier. And I'm good with that trade-off

I do love her.  Part of me wants her to know that.  Part of me wants her to know I am grieving her. 

It's an incredible challenge finding closure, isn't it? Am I right in guessing that if you expressed these feelings to her, she would take that as an opening to try pulling you back in, rather than as an invitation to find closure on your relationship and move forward with happy memories? I also long very deeply for my ex to know how much I love her and how much I wish I could take away her pain, how much she means to me. Yet it seems she would only believe it if I sacrificed myself completely for her. "That's what love is," she would tell me -- to dive head first into the chaos of feelings and drama that our relationship generated. Anything less and she would declare I didn't truly love her. It hurts a lot. I think on some level she knows how much I love her and care for her, but she doesn't feel safe expressing that to me unless she feels that I'm ready to sacrifice myself completely. But I came to realise there was no happiness for either of us in those kinds of sacrifices.

You know you're on a better path now. With that, you can give yourself the freedom to explore all the pain, and joy, and doubts, and hopes and fears that this relationship awoke in you, without worrying that doing so will pull you back in. It really is a beautiful opportunity to explore your own emotional world.

[JustDontKn0w]

This a deep insight. It must be very liberating? Even if part of what it frees you for is working through difficult emotions.

I don't know if it is liberating.  I am in such a fog of pain and confusion I don't know if it liberating or not.  I am holding on.  White knuckling it through the emotions that I sit with today.  I hurt.  I ache for her. 

It's an incredible challenge finding closure, isn't it? Am I right in guessing that if you expressed these feelings to her, she would take that as an opening to try pulling you back in, rather than as an invitation to find closure on your relationship and move forward with happy memories?

Yes she would either respond that way or not respond at all.  I know, and what is hard, is that she won't respond the way I think she "should".  I have no closure right now.  Her current actions are so very confusing too for me.  I cannot make sense of it.  I just hurt and know that I love her and should hurt.  I ask myself over and over ... .why why why ... why can't it just be?  Why can't it just work?  I know in my heart of hearts it just cannot work.  If so it would have by now.

[rfriesen]

I don't know if it is liberating.  I am in such a fog of pain and confusion I don't know if it liberating or not.  I am holding on.  White knuckling it through the emotions that I sit with today.  I hurt.  I ache for her. 

Yes, fair enough. I remember white knuckling through the emotions for many weeks on end. It's certainly a very difficult place to be, with a lot of confusion and a lot of hurt.

It might sound hokey to you, I don't know, but have you tried just observing the pain and aching itself, and describing whether it has a size, shape, smell, colour, etc? I started seeing a therapist after my relationship ended and that was something she recommended trying. It took a few sessions before I actually started doing that because, well, because I felt kind of silly. But in hindsight, I think it was a great tool for me just to get a little mental distance from the pain and confusion, to detach from it just an inch. But the first steps are really the hardest and it was valuable for me to start observing my emotions, at least part of the time, rather than having them whip me about all day in whirl of pain and fog. The first steps are more or less on faith and hope, until you really get your feet back under you and can think more clearly, feel more sure of yourself.