I feel like this is it

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She is 5 months pregnant, and NC for two and a half weeks now.  I'm starting too feel like this could be it.  We have split and got back together close to a dozen times in the past year and a half.  Every split resulted in her finding a new man or men to fill the void in her heart.  She would rub it in my face, saying things like:  "I just put so and so to bed," and "they can bust as many loads in me as they want because I'm already pregnant," and "I could be married to so and so before the baby is born and it will get his last name."  This time when I left she said "I already had someone lined up that I've been talking to, and was planning on leaving you anyway!"
I shut her phone off immediately since I didn't see it being fair that I pay her phone bill for her to talk to her new boyfriends.  I broke down and sent her a written letter the day before yesterday.  In it I wrote about how I was so devoted to her and all I received in return were constant accusations, and abuse (both physical and emotional).
It tears me apart to think of her with another man, but I also know that I can not, and will not live my life walking on egg shells wondering if the next time I step out the door (even to work) I will be accused of some disgusting atrocious act.  I have been on antidepressants since our last break up, which I think is making it easier to cope with this time, but it's still tearing me up inside trying to maintain NC.

[josephrl82]

She is 5 months pregnant, and NC for two and a half weeks now.  I'm starting too feel like this could be it.  We have split and got back together close to a dozen times in the past year and a half.  Every split resulted in her finding a new man or men to fill the void in her heart.  She would rub it in my face, saying things like:  "I just put so and so to bed," and "they can bust as many loads in me as they want because I'm already pregnant," and "I could be married to so and so before the baby is born and it will get his last name."  This time when I left she said "I already had someone lined up that I've been talking to, and was planning on leaving you anyway!"
I shut her phone off immediately since I didn't see it being fair that I pay her phone bill for her to talk to her new boyfriends.  I broke down and sent her a written letter the day before yesterday.  In it I wrote about how I was so devoted to her and all I received in return were constant accusations, and abuse (both physical and emotional).
It tears me apart to think of her with another man, but I also know that I can not, and will not live my life walking on egg shells wondering if the next time I step out the door (even to work) I will be accused of some disgusting atrocious act.  I have been on antidepressants since our last break up, which I think is making it easier to cope with this time, but it's still tearing me up inside trying to maintain NC.

[joeramabeme]

Joseph

Tough story and emotions that follow.  Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself with some meds.  Is there any chance that your ex is having a lot of feelings around being a Mom, for example triggering emotions that would make her reject you?  Also, (asking sensitively) are you sure that it is your child?  You will likely have a lot more contact with her in the future as a co-parent so it will be helpful to your and your newborn to learn how to talk and communicate with the Mother in a way that produces the best outcome for your child.

Have you read any of the Lesson on this site about how to communicate with someone that is BPD?

JRB

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm starting too feel like this could be it. 

So what's the goal joseph?  Sounds like she can do whatever she wants, sleep with whomever she wants, abuse you, and you'll still take her back, 12 times or so already, you "broke down" and pledged devotion two days ago, and you're taking antidepressants to cope.  So what's the goal?  It will only be over when you say it's over, so what place do you need to get to, to make that happen with conviction?  What's different this time?

[josephrl82]

Joseph

Is there any chance that your ex is having a lot of feelings around being a Mom, for example triggering emotions that would make her reject you?  Also, (asking sensitively) are you sure that it is your child?


JRB

She already has 4 children by 4 different fathers.  So I don't think it's the pregnancy is any kind of trigger to her rejection of me.
I'm not at all positive it is mine either.  There is no way I could have even remotely hinted at the idea of a dna test when we were together.  If this truly is the end of our romantic relationship I will surely make sure it's mine before moving forward.

[married21years]

went through something similar with my ex

proceeded to tell me how wonderful her new lover was

my response was i hope you find happiness with him

i didn't bite, wished her well and hoped she had a wonderful life

next day said he was married and cheating on his wife and she hated him

this is the point i knew it was over for ever and developed my exit strategy.

this is the day my complete honesty with her ended and it was about protecting me from her from that day

the official story is i am heart broken and living on my dads boat and unemployed.

she has no more hooks into my life and no access to information!

i am safe

[heartandwhole]

Hi josephrl82,

You sound like you are really hurting, and that is so understandable. In the same situation, I'd be wrecked. That is a lot of drama to handle.

It has only been two weeks of NC; that is not long at all. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it does get better. In the beginning it can often feel like we're just white-knuckling it, and that sucks.

I just want to say, as an outside observer, that her words toward you are incredibly hurtful and insensitive. I felt angry just reading them. You deserve so much more, josephrl82; you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

What is one thing you can do today to treat yourself with compassion and care? For me, it might be take time to write, or take a long walk, or just be a couch potato. Take yourself out of the drama for awhile. Your heart and mind need time to rebalance. 

heartandwhole