Advice on managing an undiagnosed BPD friend/family member/supervisor

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I am seeking advice on how to manage a rather complicated relationship with a person who I believe has undiagnosed BPD. The relationship is complicated because this person at one point was a very close friend and mentor. Currently she is also one of my supervisors in a work environment, and most recently, now a family member (I married this person's cousin after she set us up four years ago).

Some of the behaviours she has demonstrated over the years:

* Alcohol abuse
* Lying about where she has been/what she has done in relation to said alcohol abuse
* Risky, impulsive sexual behaviours (only a strong suspicion - she is married and confessed to me that she has done "terrible" things when drunk because she was lonely, and a mutual friend told me she believed this person was having an affair), and an inappropriate sexual relationship in a work context
* Minor physical abuse when drunk as she gets aggressive (e.g. she has slapped me in the face once, and my husband on a couple of different occasions)
* Splitting and somewhat controlling behaviours - in a work context: one moment telling me I'm doing a good job, and the next saying I don't work hard enough or I'm not committed enough, or one moment cautioning me not to work too hard and the next saying I socialise too much and need to stop seeing my family/friends
* Attracts conflict and drama wherever she goes - when she recounts the conflicts she has been in she is extremely judgemental of the other party and portrays herself as the innocent and reasonable party. The number of conflicts she's been in makes me doubt that she's as innocent or as reasonable as she claims, and I know she has been in trouble at work on at least one occasion for the way she handled a particular situation
* Very sensitive to perceived criticism
* Histrionics - centres attention on herself all the time
* Very recently she arrived completely drunk at a birthday dinner for myself and proceeded to sit opposite me at the table and loudly and obviously complain about me to my husband and SIL. She was also verbally aggressive towards other guests and restaurant staff. The verbal aggression is frequent when she is drunk. After that event she accused me of talking to my husband's family about her (which I have never done) and then when I pressed her on it she confessed that the accusation was based off one vague comment her mother had made to her
* Punishing behaviours - exclusion from social events with mutual friends and work colleagues to (I believe) demonstrate when I am out of favour with her. For instance, recently she deleted me from Facebook, not a big thing in itself but it came out of nowhere since we'd had civil and friendly exchanges in the lead-up, and I feel it's a pretty symbolic gesture as she's kept friends and family of mine as contacts and Facebook is considered a major social platform
* Gossiping about me to work colleagues and family members (this has been confirmed to me by a mutual friend/peer)

After how she acted at my birthday I have limited my contact with her. There has had to be some communication because of work, but it has been minimal. I have some control as to whether she remains as a supervisor of mine, and after her behaviour at my birthday I had a conversation with her. I didn't address her behaviour and how it made me feel, but I acknowledged that she must be feeling some unhappiness with our relationship and suggested that we see how we go as to whether she continues as a supervisor. I felt that the conversation went really well and that I had neutralised the situation, but I later learnt that afterwards she got drunk and called a mutual friend and cried/complained. Almost 3 months later and she hasn't apologised or acknowledged her behaviour.

I don't intend to resume contact with her on a social level, but I am at a loss about how to handle family events, especially if it gets to a point where I remove her as a supervisor at work. Does anyone have any advice?

Also, I am struggling with feeling very anxious and concerned about what she could be saying about me to work colleagues (particularly superiors). I know she has gossiped about me to my peers and I feel like I am going a little crazy making up scenarios in my head about what she could be saying. I completely acknowledge that she may not be saying anything else at all, but I guess knowing how she speaks about other people - friends, family, colleagues - I would not be surprised if I have been a featured topic of conversation for a while.

How do I relinquish my concerns about this? I don't want to keep on giving her power (whether she knows it or not) by worrying about this all the time.

I feel like I've been trying to do everything in my power to keep things friendly and civil, and the only way I've held her to account for her behaviour is by limiting social contact. I feel angry in general that everything I do also protects her from the consequences of her actions, and I hate that at the moment she has control over the narrative of what's happened between us. On multiple occasions I, and others, have expressed concern about her drinking but she chooses not to address it and the potential underlying causes.

So yes... .obviously a very complicated situation and a lot of conflicting feelings. Any advice or feedback is very much appreciated!

PS - I should add that I am seeing a psychologist about this issue, so I am not without support. My husband is also very sympathetic and supportive but is obviously in a difficult position because of the family relationship.

[merrymo]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post here. I am seeking advice on how to manage a rather complicated relationship with a person who I believe has undiagnosed BPD. The relationship is complicated because this person at one point was a very close friend and mentor. Currently she is also one of my supervisors in a work environment, and most recently, now a family member (I married this person's cousin after she set us up four years ago).

Some of the behaviours she has demonstrated over the years:

* Alcohol abuse
* Lying about where she has been/what she has done in relation to said alcohol abuse
* Risky, impulsive sexual behaviours (only a strong suspicion - she is married and confessed to me that she has done "terrible" things when drunk because she was lonely, and a mutual friend told me she believed this person was having an affair), and an inappropriate sexual relationship in a work context
* Minor physical abuse when drunk as she gets aggressive (e.g. she has slapped me in the face once, and my husband on a couple of different occasions)
* Splitting and somewhat controlling behaviours - in a work context: one moment telling me I'm doing a good job, and the next saying I don't work hard enough or I'm not committed enough, or one moment cautioning me not to work too hard and the next saying I socialise too much and need to stop seeing my family/friends
* Attracts conflict and drama wherever she goes - when she recounts the conflicts she has been in she is extremely judgemental of the other party and portrays herself as the innocent and reasonable party. The number of conflicts she's been in makes me doubt that she's as innocent or as reasonable as she claims, and I know she has been in trouble at work on at least one occasion for the way she handled a particular situation
* Very sensitive to perceived criticism
* Histrionics - centres attention on herself all the time
* Very recently she arrived completely drunk at a birthday dinner for myself and proceeded to sit opposite me at the table and loudly and obviously complain about me to my husband and SIL. She was also verbally aggressive towards other guests and restaurant staff. The verbal aggression is frequent when she is drunk. After that event she accused me of talking to my husband's family about her (which I have never done) and then when I pressed her on it she confessed that the accusation was based off one vague comment her mother had made to her
* Punishing behaviours - exclusion from social events with mutual friends and work colleagues to (I believe) demonstrate when I am out of favour with her. For instance, recently she deleted me from Facebook, not a big thing in itself but it came out of nowhere since we'd had civil and friendly exchanges in the lead-up, and I feel it's a pretty symbolic gesture as she's kept friends and family of mine as contacts and Facebook is considered a major social platform
* Gossiping about me to work colleagues and family members (this has been confirmed to me by a mutual friend/peer)

After how she acted at my birthday I have limited my contact with her. There has had to be some communication because of work, but it has been minimal. I have some control as to whether she remains as a supervisor of mine, and after her behaviour at my birthday I had a conversation with her. I didn't address her behaviour and how it made me feel, but I acknowledged that she must be feeling some unhappiness with our relationship and suggested that we see how we go as to whether she continues as a supervisor. I felt that the conversation went really well and that I had neutralised the situation, but I later learnt that afterwards she got drunk and called a mutual friend and cried/complained. Almost 3 months later and she hasn't apologised or acknowledged her behaviour.

I don't intend to resume contact with her on a social level, but I am at a loss about how to handle family events, especially if it gets to a point where I remove her as a supervisor at work. Does anyone have any advice?

Also, I am struggling with feeling very anxious and concerned about what she could be saying about me to work colleagues (particularly superiors). I know she has gossiped about me to my peers and I feel like I am going a little crazy making up scenarios in my head about what she could be saying. I completely acknowledge that she may not be saying anything else at all, but I guess knowing how she speaks about other people - friends, family, colleagues - I would not be surprised if I have been a featured topic of conversation for a while.

How do I relinquish my concerns about this? I don't want to keep on giving her power (whether she knows it or not) by worrying about this all the time.

I feel like I've been trying to do everything in my power to keep things friendly and civil, and the only way I've held her to account for her behaviour is by limiting social contact. I feel angry in general that everything I do also protects her from the consequences of her actions, and I hate that at the moment she has control over the narrative of what's happened between us. On multiple occasions I, and others, have expressed concern about her drinking but she chooses not to address it and the potential underlying causes.

So yes... .obviously a very complicated situation and a lot of conflicting feelings. Any advice or feedback is very much appreciated!

PS - I should add that I am seeing a psychologist about this issue, so I am not without support. My husband is also very sympathetic and supportive but is obviously in a difficult position because of the family relationship.

[Naughty Nibbler]

WELCOME MERRYMO:
Sounds like you are in a very uncomfortable situation.  I'm so sorry about that.  Past behavior predicts future behavior, especially with someone who isn't working on their behavior problems.

Currently she is also one of my supervisors in a work environment, and most recently, now a family member (I married this person's cousin after she set us up four years ago).

I don't intend to resume contact with her on a social level, but I am at a loss about how to handle family events, especially if it gets to a point where I remove her as a supervisor at work. . .
Gossiping about me to work colleagues and family members (this has been confirmed to me by a mutual friend/peer)

I'd take immediate steps to get assigned to another supervisor.  Most companies of any notable size, wouldn't allow a situation where a supervisor and a direct report have some familial relationship.  For the long run, no good can come from her being your supervisor.

How close is your partner to his cousin (your supervisor?)  (i.e. how often would you anticipate minimal contact?)

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  It is really helpful to have someone to discuss issues with. 

Even if you remove BPD from the situation, workplace gossip is a common problem and even large companies that "talk the talk" of fairness and objectivity, don't "walk the walk". 

I would recommend the following:

• Get a different supervisor ASAP(as you referenced it is possible)
• Keep a CYA file and document all work situations with your current supervisor. (date, time, event, witnesses, etc.)
• Be a bit more diligent in regard to your work performance, so as to present a profile of the ideal employee (productivity, not spending too much time socializing,  etc.)
• The BIFF RESPONSE might be helpful in the work environment
• MEDIUM CHILL might be helpful in social situations.

It is good that your husband is supportive.  One goal would be to unite with establishing and enforcing common boundaries with your husband's cousin.  With common boundaries, you have the best chance of preserving your sanity and shutting down and/or minimizing the drama associated with this person.