Fear factor lower

[byfaith]

I think "fear" of the unknown has allowed me to let the things happen that have happened. The thought of establishing a particular boundary brought with it thoughts of being verbally degraded and belittled. Last week's degrading remarks pushed me to the other side (the side of not letting them get to me as bad).


That feeling of fear is slowly going away. I had to get to this point of not worrying about all of the consequences.

just an observation I wanted to share.

[HopefulDad]

That's growth.  Keep up the good work.

[Cat Familiar]

Here's the deal in a relationship with a pwBPD: they typically aren't worried about consequences, so the non usually takes up the slack.  

With my first marriage, I had to get to a point where "consequences be damned," I was out of the marriage. Since we shared a business together and property, I had no idea how I was going to unravel the knot that bound us, but slowly, bit by bit, I untwisted it and thank goodness I did. I don't know if I'd be alive today if I hadn't--and that's not hyperbole.

So with my current marriage, having that reference experience of total bewilderment, wondering how I'd extract myself, but needing to do so, I'm much better with boundaries. That said, I don't always impose boundaries as soon as would be optimal, but I'm learning. I've had this attitude that "I can just take it" but I don't want to "take it" any more and there's no reason for me to stick around and hear negative crap, so I'm extracting myself sooner rather than later these days.

[Mutt]

Hi byfaith,

I can relate with your post. I set boundaries after the marriage was over so it's probably harder for you because you're in the r/s. I was so worried about the backlash.

Since we shared a business together and property, I had no idea how I was going to unravel the knot that bound us, but slowly, bit by bit, I untwisted it and thank goodness I did

It gradually gets easier until it becomes second nature and you don't worry as much about the other person, boundaries is really about self compassion, self care and protection.

The thought of establishing a particular boundary brought with it thoughts of being verbally degraded and belittled

This is most likely lashing out because the person is not used to it, it'll die down. You probably already know this but another boundary is to step out of the house if you're getting verbally attacked.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey by faith, It's OK to be afraid, but personal freedom comes from doing things even when we are afraid.  What's the worst that can happen?  Verbal abuse?  Belittling?  Degrading comments?  Suggest that you decline to engage in the drama.  Leave the room; leave the house; leave the r/s if you have to.

LuckyJim