I just collapsed

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

We broke up 3 weeks ago and my exBPDgf posted a new profile picture and a guy that was hitting on her for a long time commented on it saying "MY beautiful" with hearts and other loving emoticons and she liked it and replied with in love eyes and hearts.

I saw it 1h and a half ago or so.

My first reaction was just a surge of emptiness and not knowing what to think, I don't know if it lasted seconds or a couple minutes, but after that I collapsed, fell into the ground, my legs didn't work anymore, I was in front of the TV rack and I pushed it away almost breaking everything, I started to hyperventilate in a way I never did before, not even on previous panic attacks, after a while I was able to stop crying so hard and making sounds and just laid on my back staring at the ceiling without blinking, motionless and with tears coming from my eyes. I cried more then I ever did and I just was able to walk enough to reach the keyboard to seek help.

I'v never felt anything like this before, this suffering is indescribable, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I never contemplated suicide before.

I'v never loved anyone like I do her and I believe she loved me too, I'v posted in this forum before, including the reason of our break up, but I'm in no condition of writing it all now.

Part of me wants to text her, other wants to block her and go full no contact and the last part wants to do both.

[Hlinthewiking]

We broke up 3 weeks ago and my exBPDgf posted a new profile picture and a guy that was hitting on her for a long time commented on it saying "MY beautiful" with hearts and other loving emoticons and she liked it and replied with in love eyes and hearts.

I saw it 1h and a half ago or so.

My first reaction was just a surge of emptiness and not knowing what to think, I don't know if it lasted seconds or a couple minutes, but after that I collapsed, fell into the ground, my legs didn't work anymore, I was in front of the TV rack and I pushed it away almost breaking everything, I started to hyperventilate in a way I never did before, not even on previous panic attacks, after a while I was able to stop crying so hard and making sounds and just laid on my back staring at the ceiling without blinking, motionless and with tears coming from my eyes. I cried more then I ever did and I just was able to walk enough to reach the keyboard to seek help.

I'v never felt anything like this before, this suffering is indescribable, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I never contemplated suicide before.

I'v never loved anyone like I do her and I believe she loved me too, I'v posted in this forum before, including the reason of our break up, but I'm in no condition of writing it all now.

Part of me wants to text her, other wants to block her and go full no contact and the last part wants to do both.

[SoMadSoSad]

Instead of letting the emotion control you, you own that emotion and make yourself cry. Let it all out until you start to feel better.

[Lilyroze]

  Hlinthewiking.

I have been there at one point, cried so much then had a black void feeling. It is hard and devastating but we are here for you. I support you. You will get through this.

Just know you are special and  here in this world for a reason! Let the emotion out, you have to feel it, and not repress it. Keep writing here people care and will be here to support you.

Is there any friends near by you can call on when you feel a little bit better today to get some support local as well?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Hl-

First thing, don't be alone; is there someone you can be with right now in person?  :)o it, right now.  And do you need to go to the doctor for you physical symptoms?

I'm sorry you're going through that, I've been there, and it's very painful, confusing, and can be overwhelming.  The next thing is don't look at any of her social media or communicate with her in any way right now, you're too shaken up and you need to get your feet on the ground a little before you even consider that.

And take deep breaths, continue eating regularly, hydrate, sleep if you can, but get someone to be with you, not kidding.  Are there parents or friends you can go to, a neighbor, call a friend and ask them to come over?  And of course you can talk to us all you want, keep typing.

[pjstock42]

Hlinthewiking,

I can't imagine what this pain must feel like and I'm sorry that you're going through it. The pain of this situation is already bad enough but to have something like that rubbed in your face must make it so much more difficult.

I am incredibly lucky that I never associated with my BPD ex on any form of social media. I don't use facebook/instagram and I know that she does so thankfully I haven't had to deal with seeing her flaunt her new men on these venues. I have had temptations of searching for her on these platforms but have been able to successfully keep myself from doing that. If possible, my only recommendation would be to cut all social media ties that you have with her as you now know firsthand the kind of pain that is caused by having any insight into her life.

[UnforgivenII]

Go NC now. Full NC. And watch on youtube the Assc Direct video ":)o not fall for the narcissist fake happiness". Now

[UnforgivenII]

Prevent her from hurting you again. Go NC! And read Psychopath Free by Jackson Mckenzie.

Do not let her hurt you in this way. It is planned. It is cruel. Pure cruelty!

[Hlinthewiking]

Thank you all for the support, I can't say enough how much these forums have helped me thru the last few months.

I sent my therapist a message saying that I HAD to see him today and since I'm always concerned about him being busy and try to work with him on getting schedules, I think he understood that it was urgent. He was nice enough to schedule me an appointment after hours today, so I just need to try no to do anything stupid for 3 and a half hours.

I sent a couple friends messages asking for help, but unfortunately since I was in that relationship for so long I'm not as close to my friends anymore, I didn't get any replies from anyone yet.

Last few days were already a struggle on me and though I was pushing my life to a better place that was my courage and hard work, I felt like there was a cliff following my steps and If I slowed down a bit or took a breath I would fall in to it, this was just much more then enough to bring me down.

Although we didn't talk or interact during the break up, I'v been unable to put some of her stuff aside since our break up, I couldn't bare to wash the glass with her lip marks from the last time we saw each other or put the paper she blew her nose with on the trash among other things.

[fromheeltoheal]

I sent my therapist a message saying that I HAD to see him today and since I'm always concerned about him being busy and try to work with him on getting schedules, I think he understood that it was urgent. He was nice enough to schedule me an appointment after hours today, so I just need to try no to do anything stupid for 3 and a half hours.

Nice!  Keep typing here and trying to reach your friends too Hlin, and did you eat?

[Lilyroze]

I am so glad you got an appointment. Call your MD as well if your physical symptoms need addressed. Keep writing here, we care.

Keep reaching out to friends or family.

Blessings and Hugs,

[Hlinthewiking]

Really, thank you for the support, feels good to know that there are people like you out there... .

I haven't eaten yet, but I will now, I'm an athlete so I'm really doing my best to keep my weight, though I lost 10 pounds the first week, I was starting to gain it back.

By the way, was this site hacked? I got a weird message on the main page and had trouble accessing the forums just now.

[Stripey77]

":)o not let her hurt you in this way. It is planned. It is cruel. Pure cruelty!"



Sorry Unforgiven, but I HAVE to disagree with this statement. That's your take on it. It's not planned, it's what BPDs do, it's a well known trait, and just as with practically everything they do, it is about THEM not us. If we were dealing with people with more 'ordered' minds, who aren't suffering from a PD - or traits of one -  then we might suppose that the intention was to inflict the maximum hurt and pain. But we're not, and by my understanding from many months of reading, I can only say again that the actions of a BPD are usually to mitigate their own pain, self loathing, lack of worth, emptiness and so forth. The sooner we all grasp this concept and truly see these actions for what they are, the sooner we start to feel better, I promise you. Then we are able to step back and look at all of this more objectively, and almost as an outsider.

My ex 'replaced' me and has replaced me, with a female best friend, overlapping when we broke up and his first recycling of me by what I can work out. It's been horrific, painful, it's been in my face, he met her after leaving me and has afforded her an intimacy and kindness that used to be mine... .but he took it away and gave it to her. Except she's a totally unwitting 'new best friend' and I am the ex. He's come in and out of my life these last 10 months, but she has been there throughout, sharing Christmas, birthday and other celebrations. It is horrendous and I have every sympathy with you... it's like watching your best friend go off with someone else in the playground at school.

But I stand by this... .it's not designed to hurt us. We're not even in the picture, or at least, not in mind, not at the moment, anyway. Anything can change in the blink of an eye with a BPD, as we all know far too well.

To the OP: she isn't trying to hurt you, she's a person with a horrible emptiness inside, and she's failing to fill it. It's not personal to you, and I share all your feelings towards my own ex and have never, ever loved like this. I didn't know it was possible to love someone so much, and I also know he loves/loved me.  He is in turmoil even now around me. But I don't suppose for one second that he developed a friendship with someone else to 'get at' me or hurt me. He did it to fill the void he'd created when he dropped me from a great height.

They cannot be alone, not entirely. Please rest assured that this new romance will almost certainly fail, as did the ones prior to you. It's not a great comfort I know, but I bet every one of us here has suffered physiological and physical symptoms as a result of our experiences. I know I fell into a pit of despair earlier this year.  You are NOT alone. You WILL get through this. Please please do as all the others have suggested, and start taking care of yourself as an urgent priority. You can't help her without her wanting to help herself, but you can definitely start taking practical steps to take care of yourself.

 

[joeramabeme]

Hi Hlinthewiking

I can totally relate to what you wrote.  I can remember walking around and thinking about it all and wanting to power-puke right on the spot and needing to fall down on my knees because I was so overwhelmed. 

You called your therapist and told them it was urgent, BRAVO!  Keep it all in the day as best as possible.  Many of us have been exactly where you are and have made it through to see a bigger picture. 

Please keep posting, it will help.

Best wishes, JRB

[fromheeltoheal]

By the way, was this site hacked?

Yes it was and we were down for 24 hours, but we're back now.  How did your meeting with your therapist go Hl, and how are you today?

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks for the support everyone :/.

Stripey77, thank you :/, the problem is that she's not the only one who feel like that, I have the same trauma she does, but instead of reacting by acting towards myself, I act towards others, I'm a codependent and I have a deep level of emptiness inside which got me completely addicted to her.

What a realized this week is that I always idealize my relationships in the beginning, which is not real and really comes from within me other then the persons reality. The problem about my ex is that she made my illusion become a reality, instead of my idealization collapsing, she exceeded my false expectations in some ways, I fell for her so quickly and the more I knew her the deeper it would be. If you can get a picture of it, she would be the woman of my dreams, I wouldn't change anything at all in her body for example, not even a fingernail, other then the fact that she's a severe BPD with antisocial tendencies. This makes things so hard for me, I fear that I will never find someone who can fill her qualities, even if I find someone healthy that cares for me, I may not be able to attach that much due to missing some traits I previously had.

fromheeltoheal, I feel like I can't relax, I took very long to fall a sleep and I had a nightmare yesterday, I have been having them pretty much every day, all involving her in someway, about her being out of reach of seeing her with someone else while I'm invisible.

Today I went to the gym finally and had a good workout due to unleashing an insurmountable amount of anger I had within me, I think it's the first time I feel angry with her even after all she put me thru during the relationship. After the anger went away, depression followed along, I went to the university for a class and after it was over, on the way back to my car I started to panic, I was passing across a place she used to wait for me after class, I was able to restrain myself since there was no way I could break down in the middle of the university. I can't stand to cycle thru the E. Kübler-Ross model over and over again without ever reaching acceptance.

The therapy session wasn't that much help, when I got there I was pretty much worn out and had my feeling leashed well behind my smile. I'm really pushing him to be more pro-active with me and focusing on my codependency while he wants to deal with my depression, which I consider a symptom of my codependency, so I want to solve the problem not mask it, which is proving difficult since my therapist was unaware of the codependency term, I sent him some videos and other information about it and scheduled another session with him this week. I usually see him once a week, but in the state I'm in I would see him everyday if that was a possibility.

I'm really struggling to not to talk to her, even for knowing some of what the people here have told me, I'm convinced that if I really wanted to I could get back to her... .I don't know if I will be able to stay without talking to her after this, even if I don't try to get her back, which she will definitely make very difficult for me... .If she was a drug to me, I'm in severe withdrawal and I fear that I will be that person who has to concentrate to avoid "drugs/alcohol" everyday for the rest of their lives, if that's my case, I'd rather be pathetic and miserable with her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Hlin-

If she was a drug to me, I'm in severe withdrawal and I fear that I will be that person who has to concentrate to avoid "drugs/alcohol" everyday for the rest of their lives, if that's my case, I'd rather be pathetic and miserable with her.

Now there's a choice, miserable or miserable, lose-lose?  It's good to hear from you, yesterday was difficult for you.  It's only been 3 weeks, and most of us report the addiction/obsession after coming out of these relationships, but unlike alcoholism, that goes away, and the good news is you can use it as motivation fuel to grow now, grow through this experience, what many of us consider the gift of the relationship.

But it's early yet.  You're still deciding if you're going to contact her or not, beyond that, what's the goal?

[Hlinthewiking]

But it's early yet.  You're still deciding if you're going to contact her or not, beyond that, what's the goal?

Well, I guess I didn't formulate a single plan of action, If I decide it's really over and I don't contact her, I need to go full NC and block her from everything, it will make me worse in the beginning for sure and I'm scared to do it, I didn't do that yet because I didn't quite accept it fully I guess, I still know where she lives and if I did it I fear I would panic and go there, which could be a complete and utter disaster.

If I do contact her I'm basically either just sipping on the drug again to get a temporary high or I'm accepting that I will never have a peaceful and normal life. The plan would be the same as before, I started to implement boundaries and it was super hard, she broke up with me as a test and punishment, she expected me to run back and beg her back, when I didn't she started to poke me, as in a way of "hey, I still care for you, aren't you going to win me back?", when she started to do that she wanted me to admit that my boundary was wrong doing and she wanted me to accept a punishment in exchange of returning to her (in this case she said if I would get a new haircut she would take me back), at the time I was already indecisive and suffering too much, so I crawled back into my shell and probably seemed a bit cold to her, which she understood as if I didn't value her as much anymore (or anything else that triggered her fear from abandonment). This is all my interpretation, but from all the time I was with her and my constant alertness towards her, I'm pretty sure I'm right.

So, basically I'm feeling guilty since I could have ignored her imposition to get a haircut and get back to her, keep enforcing that boundary and starting others. In the other end, she was constantly reminding me of how unhappy she was and putting it all on me, if I did that I think she would have distanced herself from me and replaced me anyway.

In any case, my ultimate goal is to have a wife and a family, be happy with them and make sure I'm the best parent I can be, using everything I learnt so far in life, so that I don't repeat the same mistakes I'v witnessed in my family and past relationships

[fromheeltoheal]

In any case, my ultimate goal is to have a wife and a family, be happy with them and make sure I'm the best parent I can be, using everything I learnt so far in life, so that I don't repeat the same mistakes I'v witnessed in my family and past relationships

Well there you go, and now a step, as you step aside from your emotions a little and look at it from a detached and objective place, is to decide if she is or could be that wife, based on everything else you've said and been through with her.  If she is, she is, and if not, then it's helpful to start shifting the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, as you take steps in that direction.  There are emotions to process too though, as you work through the grieving of the relationship, the Kubler Ross as you mentioned, and learn the lessons along the way, which will surely prep you for that ultimate goal yes?

[Tobiasfunke]

We have all been there. If you guys don't have kids listen to unforgiven and go nc. I'm sad to say it's the only way. If you share children with them I don't have any advice. Set up strong boundaries and go email/text only. These days r brutal but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. U will weather the storm and be better happier. No more rages or eggshells or apologizing for precieved slightes or jealousy or chaos.

[Hlinthewiking]

fromheeltoheal, wow that was quite an insight, you really gave me a flashback into my own worries when I was with her. I remember watching some movies with her that would touch me emotionally and she wouldn't be affected at all while I was holding tears (sometimes unsuccessfully) and I started to imagine how it would be like if we started a family together in the future and she didn't change. I would imagine if we had a kid and she would disrespect me in front of my son/daughter and I would be split into either helping my children or maintaining the environment she was accustomed to living in or even if I got sick, she would be insensitive and not be responsible and take care of things while I can't, I would be repeating the pattern I was born at and even worse... .

Unless she changes, really there is no way to make it work, I would be the hamster that pushed the pleasure button until he died of starvation. The problem is that just having the possibility of her changing or that she was at that impossible degree because of my lack or self love and being too weak to impose myself, makes me really unease with accepting that I should move on.

One of the things that trouble me the most is that she had a previous relationship with someone for 4 years, maybe she was too young (14-18) and she wasn't as seriously affected by her BPD as she is now, but I really did much more then her ex did for her and I don't know how I made it last as long as it did, it was a lot of work. The only thing I didn't do is displaying much love inside open social media towards her, I was honestly ashamed to do so since she treated me so poorly, I wasn't able to pretend everything was ok when it wasn't, even though I was giving her all the love I had when she was with me or away but talking to me, what kept crossing my mind was the people that knew what she was doing to me, thinking that I was out of my mind or a masochist, I was remembering this today and feeling shame and regret for not doing so.

[fromheeltoheal]

The problem is that just having the possibility of her changing or that she was at that impossible degree because of my lack or self love and being too weak to impose myself, makes me really unease with accepting that I should move on.

So you're flirting with blaming yourself.  These relationships are a loaded bond between two people, and it wasn't all the borderline, it wasn't all us, it was the incompatible mix, with someone with a personality disorder triggering your low self esteem, which in turn triggered the borderline, and on and on into dysfunction.  Sure, there are plenty of lessons to learn about ourselves and growing to do coming out of the relationship, although a personality disorder can't be fixed, so if the dynamic was dysfunctional then, pretty sure it would be again, regardless of how evolved you become, or you would grow past her and no longer be interested in what she could offer.  So best to lighten up on yourself a little and use the experience to grow, by asking questions like what's good about this?  How can I use this?

but I really did much more then her ex did for her and I don't know how I made it last as long as it did, it was a lot of work... .
... .I was remembering this today and feeling shame and regret for not doing so.

And another thing those of us with low self esteem and difficulty with self love, as you mention, another thing we do is think that we need to do something to be loved, instead of just be loved.  It goes back to the loaded bond again: if she's got a personality disorder she's going to go through a lot of moods and the relationship is going to be unstable, it just is, but if you interpret that as you doing something wrong, you're screwed.  Her happiness is not your responsibility.  And I can only speak about this because I did exactly the same thing.  So the key?  Love yourself, not only that, consider yourself lovable exactly the way you are, and expect it from others too, and those who aren't able or willing to love you for who you are, well they need to get out of your life.  Right now.  And that will fly in the face of your programming, so best to start practicing now yes?  Because everything gets better with practice.

[Hlinthewiking]

I Must have read this at least 10 times. The impression I got is that since I have a problem too, we didn't work out as a couple. That just fuels my thoughts that if I change somehow I things would have been better and maybe enough to work.

I guess I'm obsessed by her, if anyone can make it work with her in the future, that will mean that I'v failed and I could been with her if I did something different... .

But I did take a lot from this relationship, though I'm hurt and in severe emotional pain, I'm a much better person and I have a much greater understanding of myself and those around me. I also dated 4 girls so far, I was able to distinguish really quickly which ones had narcissistic traits and walk away from them, I'm not much worried to go thru this again as much as I'm worried that I simply won't find someone like her again.

One thing that is bothering me is that I used to look at someone random, could be in the street or in a movie and pretty much "Rorschach" her face into other women and I'v been looking for traits that resemble her appearance in other women. This is scaring the hell out of me because I didn't even consider my exBPDgf face that beautiful, I simply like it because of how I feel, now I check women and do thing like "not the right skin", "not the right waist"...

I'm afraid I'm trying to do the impossible, dating my ex in someone else. Sounds like a Stephen King book, it's creepy and I did that even the last time we broke up. I'm dating women much different then her, but I'm not liking them and I only did because what I'm looking for I didn't find (or already found, because I'm looking for my exBPDgf on someone else?).

[fromheeltoheal]

I Must have read this at least 10 times. The impression I got is that since I have a problem too, we didn't work out as a couple. That just fuels my thoughts that if I change somehow I things would have been better and maybe enough to work.

I guess I'm obsessed by her, if anyone can make it work with her in the future, that will mean that I'v failed and I could been with her if I did something different... .

You could make it mean that, or you could realize that you can't see into another relationship, and while it may look like it's "working" from the outside, you don't know what the actual emotional dynamic is inside it.  Also, you're partly blaming yourself again, thinking if you could just "figure out" who to be with her, maybe you could have kept her.  How about being exactly who you are, going back to being instead of doing, and someone either loves and accepts you for who you are, or they don't?  Much easier and more peaceful yes?

I also dated 4 girls so far, I was able to distinguish really quickly which ones had narcissistic traits and walk away from them, I'm not much worried to go thru this again as much as I'm worried that I simply won't find someone like her again.

One thing that is bothering me is that I used to look at someone random, could be in the street or in a movie and pretty much "Rorschach" her face into other women and I'v been looking for traits that resemble her appearance in other women.

This is scaring the hell out of me because I didn't even consider my exBPDgf face that beautiful, I simply like it because of how I feel, now I check women and do thing like "not the right skin", "not the right waist"...

I'm afraid I'm trying to do the impossible, dating my ex in someone else. Sounds like a Stephen King book, it's creepy and I did that even the last time we broke up. I'm dating women much different then her, but I'm not liking them and I only did because what I'm looking for I didn't find (or already found, because I'm looking for my exBPDgf on someone else?).

All of that tells me you're not over her yet, not even close, and remember, just the other day you "collapsed" when you learned she was talking to another guy; that's brand new.  You may find it beneficial to not date anyone for a while and fully process what you've been through, learn from it, and grow.  Otherwise, what we can do when we jump into another relationship without processing the last one is just repeat the cycle with someone new, passing on the pain.  What if the pain stops with you, and you detach and heal fully, so you can enter another relationship at some point focusing on what you can give?

[Hlinthewiking]

The reason I try to blame myself so much is not because I think it's all my fault, I do it because I have the power to change myself, but I don't have the power to change her. My reasoning is, since she's not fully aware of her trauma and condition, she blames it all on me and will not do work to make herself better, I in the other hand want to be better and I'm willing to go thru whatever if it meant that I could be with her without the level of abuse I suffered before.

How can I convince myself that I should ignore my feelings and let her go?

[fromheeltoheal]

The reason I try to blame myself so much is not because I think it's all my fault, I do it because I have the power to change myself, but I don't have the power to change her. My reasoning is, since she's not fully aware of her trauma and condition, she blames it all on me and will not do work to make herself better, I in the other hand want to be better and I'm willing to go thru whatever if it meant that I could be with her without the level of abuse I suffered before.

And that would involve "fixing her", curing an incurable personality disorder.  I understand Hlin, I saw a beautiful woman and vulnerable, perfect girl under all the crap with my ex too, something that was unavailable to me, and her, sustainably, and that is very sad.  There's a concept around here called radical acceptance, which is nothing more than accepting she has an incurable personality disorder that causes all of the behaviors, with long-term therapy she could learn to temper those behaviors, but the disorder will always be there, and you can either stay in a relationship with her and tolerate all the abuse, or you can accept that it won't change and walk away.  Radical acceptance.

How can I convince myself that I should ignore my feelings and let her go?

Actually you shouldn't ignore your feelings, just don't be selective about them, feel them all.  One thing that helps at this stage is to make a list of all the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, and the list will grow as you remember things, and then read it and reread it, to counteract the way your head, influenced by your heart, will tend to gravitate to the good things about her and cloud the "real", complete version of her.

Here's another focus shift, answer these:

Do you trust her?
Does she treat you with respect?
Can/will she meet your emotional needs sustainably?
Do you see the possibility of a long-term functional relationship with her?

If the answers to those questions is no, and we're talking the real her, not the idealized one in your head, then the choice is clear, time to move on.  And as you do you'll need to grieve the relationship to detach, lots of emotions will come up and there are several stages, but the good news is if you dive in with the full intent to detach fully and healthfully, you'll come out the other side wiser, healthier, and more centered, on the way to creating the life of your dreams.  No really.

Take care of you!