She just up and left the state

[JustDontKn0w]

I have been in a real bad funk for the last couple of days, breaking down in tears, wishing beyond everything I am that she will come back.  In the end I was the one who ended it.  I was doing so well.  It has been 63 days since I last saw her.  In the end I was the one who just stopped responding and went NC.  She tried to keep me and wanted me to keep going with her.  The logically side of me knows why I ended it with her but today I am hurting.  A week ago I reached out and emailed her, then we talked a few times on the phone.  I got the response from her that I expected to get, which was not a good one.  She raged on me for the most part and told me how good she is now and how good her life is now.  About 6 weeks ago she just up and left the state taking a one-way flight out of here.  She went to a place she does not know anyone at all.  She dropped her son off at his dads and just left.  She told him she would be back in a week but it has now been 6 weeks.  Everyone tells me to just stop and remember why I left.  I try so hard but I seriously feel like I am dying.  I feel like I love her so very much that I need her back.  Sadly I know that it won't work but yet I still want her back.

I ask if anyone has had any experience with this situation where the person with BPD just up and leaves.  Abandons everything and just leaves one day suddenly.  When I talked to her I could tell she was different and she told me she is not taking her medication anymore, or slowly coming off of it.  She has decided smoking weed is her solution.  I just cannot imagine that she is in a good place right now with what she is doing.  Abandoning her son, her life, everything and just leaving.  She must be running low on money as I know her financial situation.  She has not worked for over two years and had to make some drastic changes while here just to keep going at the rate she was then.  Now she is off in a topical place, hanging on the beach, smoking weed, and doing god knows what.  I don't look at her Facebook but people tell me she posts and looks bad.  She is alone and I cannot understand how she can just stay alone so long and stay away so long.

Everyone tells me to stop.  I inventory and I see how much better I am now that she isn't in my life.  I have a strong friend network, amazing career, seeing a therapist, sober for 4 years, and heading in the right direction.  She just has me.  I worry I will never have another women like her, which honestly I don't want, but I want some parts of her.

If anyone has any experience here please shed some light.  I type out emails to her and then delete them.  My last contact I told her I loved her and that I wanted her back and we could figure it out.  That was probably wrong of me but it is where I was at that time.  She did not bite and instead told me she is good now and happy.  How can you be happy doing what she is doing? 

Thank you for listening to my rant and this place seriously is saving me, along with my friends, my kids, and everything else.  It is so crazy how someone can do this a person.  In all other aspects of my life I think I am sane and have a lot going for me, but here I am totally screwed up!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi JDK-

I'm sorry you're going through that, we've been there and we understand, and remember, you are going through it.

Everyone tells me to just stop and remember why I left.

That's actually good advice.  We can have a conflict between our heads and our hearts coming out of these relationships, with our head knowing what the right thing to do for US is, but our heart protesting.  Focusing on why you left, and why the behaviors were completely unacceptable, will help you get time and distance so you can start processing and grieving the relationship, and eventually your heart will align with your head.

I try so hard but I seriously feel like I am dying.  I feel like I love her so very much that I need her back.  Sadly I know that it won't work but yet I still want her back.

And there's that conflict.

Abandoning her son, her life, everything and just leaving... .Now she is off in a topical place, hanging on the beach, smoking weed, and doing god knows what.  I don't look at her Facebook but people tell me she posts and looks bad.  She is alone and I cannot understand how she can just stay alone so long and stay away so long.

If you're in recovery and attend AA meetings, you've heard of a geographic: take the body somewhere else, leave all the problems behind, and start over, maybe drinking successfully in the case of an alcoholic.  Problem is you take your head with you, and wherever you go, there you are, so nothing gets resolved and you're back where you were with new scenery.  Same thing here with her.

Everyone tells me to stop.  I inventory and I see how much better I am now that she isn't in my life.  I have a strong friend network, amazing career, seeing a therapist, sober for 4 years, and heading in the right direction.

Nice!  That's a good support base and good for you.

She just has me.  I worry I will never have another women like her, which honestly I don't want, but I want some parts of her.

You may have experienced the phases of a relationship with a borderline, where you go through a period of idealization followed by devaluation.  Once we get to the devaluation stage and start getting abused, disrespected, whatever, we can become obsessed with getting back to the idealization, and anxious and triggered all the time, and then when a borderline leaves entirely, that obsession kicks into overdrive.

But go back to that idealization phase, the love bombing and the mirroring, where this woman was a dream come true, the perfect mate, someone you've waited your whole life to meet.  What part of you did that touch?  Why was that so intoxicating?  Because a borderline, someone with an absolute need to attach to survive, along with an uncanny knack of knowing exactly who she needed to be to fill unmet needs in you in order to attach, met those needs for a time.  What were they?  What you're missing now is not her, it's that version of her who met those needs, as part of that fantasy.  So the way out is to identify those needs, why you have them, and how you can meet them in other ways; that is a grand adventure, one of a lifetime, and if you can put your energy and focus there, you may just end up grateful to her and the relationship one day because she illuminated what you now have an opportunity to move towards as part of creating the life of your dreams.  No really.

Take care of you!

[Circle]

Dear J.D.K.,
So sorry that you are suffering this. It's so awful to be experiencing so much pain. I don't know that I have any good advice for you. I did take a meditation class early this spring. One of the goals of meditation is to be able to re-take control of our mind. When our thinking spirals out of control, we can make problems worse than they are. You have very real grief to process. It might help things along, if you had a practice, like meditation to focus upon. I also found that anti-depressants helped me through similar grieving processes. Keep reading, keep posting, and hang in there. 
-Circle

[Larmoyant]

Hi J.D.K., firstly, I can relate to your pain right now and I'm sorry you're hurting. We are in a similar mind frame, and I can relate to what you’ve written here and in your response to my recent thread.

It struck me when reading that we are used to the recycles. Maybe that might explain some of our pain? We ended our relationships because we really couldn’t take anymore, and at the time we really couldn’t, but maybe we’ve become so used to the recycles that we have an expectation that we’d get back with them.

Maybe, your ex taking off like she has makes it feel like that isn’t an option anymore so you’re having to face up to, really take in, that it’s over and the finality of that is what’s hurting?

I’d like to warn you though that her going doesn’t necessarily mean it’s all over. I had a similar experience a year or so ago. I ended it, we argued and talked some more, when he suddenly texted me from the airport saying he’s leaving for another country. I was devastated even though I’d ended it! Similar to what I’m experiencing now!

Only, that time it wasn’t over. Three months later he came back and back on the merry go round I jumped. I’ve ended it again now only this time something in me has prevented me from going back and that’s because I was being destroyed. Still, it hurts and maybe it feels more painful out then in right now because I know there’s not going to be anymore recycles.

Just a thought. I need to think about this more, but maybe?

[DreamerGirl]

Hi J.D.K

I'm sorry you are hurting, I totally understand how this feels.  I am in a similar place, emotionally. 

When Larmoyant said "it hurts and maybe it feels more painful out then in right now because I know there’s not going to be anymore recycles."

I think this is what has made my pain so much greater.  I was used to breaking up and making up.  I always knew I had the choice to go back into the madness, and he always came back, but this time every thing is different.  This is the final curtain. 

[JJacks0]

It struck me when reading that we are used to the recycles. Maybe that might explain some of our pain? We ended our relationships because we really couldn’t take anymore, and at the time we really couldn’t, but maybe we’ve become so used to the recycles that we have an expectation that we’d get back with them.

Maybe, your ex taking off like she has makes it feel like that isn’t an option anymore so you’re having to face up to, really take in, that it’s over and the finality of that is what’s hurting?

Can't tell you how much this hits home for me. I was the one in my r/s who said I wasn't ready to be "on" again so to speak... .she wanted to be, and I said I needed more time. She had been doing better and slipped again, but for a pretty fair reason - her mother passed away. She began writing angry suicide notes again, claiming that no one cared enough to help her, calling me selfish for seeing my friends again after her passing, etc. She basically gave me an ultimatum that either we do get serious again right away or we get separate places. I loved her to death and still do, but it didn't seem like a great time to get serious again. I still wanted to be with her and not see anyone else, but I just wanted to have fun with her and try to get back to a better place in our r/s, not hit the gas and push it forward when there were some big issues that needed to be addressed. Unfortunately there was not much room for compromise here, and she put in a notice to end our lease. So I guess you could say it was both of us who ended the r/s, although I know I could have saved it. Now, months later, (we moved in April) I have desperately tried to backtrack and salvage the r/s. Being without her has been miserable. The past few months have been a push/pull dynamic, where she loves me and wants to fight for the r/s one minute and is completely over it the next. Something seems to have officially switched for her a couple weeks ago. She initiated NC and has no desire to be with me any more. She says she wants to move on and I have not heard from her since.

I think you hit the mark when you said that we're so used to recycles that the pain is unbearable when we realize we're out of them.
I think I did just assume, even in getting separate places, that one day we would be back on again. I honestly kind of thought that the separation would be good for us, to gain some clarity and perspective and maybe then we would treat each other better. If I had been able to see the future I'm sure I would have done things differently. There's part of a quote that I often relate to our r/s at times like this when I'm wanting her back so desperately. "Most of the time I think it'd be better to be fools together, than sensible without you."

JustD0ntKn0w, I'm sorry that you are in such a similar situation. I'm only 2 weeks in, but I feel your pain. I also sent my ex a long email and tried so hard to get her back. She ultimately did come around and say she wanted me back, but that literally lasted about 12 hours. She had already changed her mind by the time that I left her house that evening. And that was about as devastating as it gets. The last time we spoke was 14 days ago and she told me to move on, like she was going to. I think the only thing worse than missing her like this will be the day I see her with someone else.

[pjstock42]

JustD0ntKn0w,

You are certainly not alone in this and the knowledge that I have of my BPD ex + my experience with her can hopefully help you to realize this.

The discard that my BPD ex put me through involved disappearing one day without warning, at a time when everything seemed to be good and we had been communicating earlier that same day about how we love each other etc. She moved out of our apartment while I was at work and notified me through a text message, I never saw her again.

She has done similar things numerous times before and those are just the examples that I know of. She has lived in probably 6 different countries and the motivation behind moving each time was leaving a relationship. She was engaged to a guy and lived with him in Italy then one day bought a one way plane ticket and left the country forever without warning. I don't know where she moved to after me but I don't really care either at this point.

It's always confusing to me how someone who "fears abandonment" could so easily abandon people that they supposedly care about without a second thought.

[Circle]

Imagine yourself seated against a wall. Your hands are tied behind your back. There is nothing you can do. Your feet are tied; you are obviously, plainly unable to defend yourself.
So, you call the person standing in front of you an a-hole.
After all, they tied you up.
Which is when the baseball bat appears.
You are hit like a block, in the ribs.
Then, you are left alone to recover.
You feel like this was your fault. That you shouldn't have said anything.
They bring you some food and water.
You rest and recuperate.
And start to walk again; they've removed the ropes.
Until, one day, you wake up and you've been tied up.
You didn't even say anything.
Which is when the baseball bat appears.
You are hit like a rock, in the lower arm.
Eventually, you recover, thinking, it was partly my fault, but also theirs. 'I really didn't do anything.'
The next time, it's the bat to the face,
 SMACK!
You consider leaving.
Then, it's the bat to the head,
  BAMMM!

You leave.
After a while, you forget the bat. You forget the pain.
That's cool; cause it means you're ready for the bat again.
This time it's a bat to your neck,
     CRACK!
You are actually disabled for a large amount of time; bed-ridden.
Which gives you plenty of time to forget about the bat.
Which gives you plenty of time to remember why you love them.
That's cool; cause it means you're ready for the saw.

[JustDontKn0w]

I appreciate all the responses to in this thread.  The last two weeks (or so) have been a whirl wind of emotions that are up and down.  I had a great session with my therapist today where I admitted I still crave this woman and for whatever reason have such a hard time seeing the dysfunction that was our relationship for nearly 5 years.  It is like part of my knows how dysfunctional it was but the other part doesn't care and just wants her back.

My therapist confirmed today that my exBPDgf is now back in the state.  For whatever reason my ex posts everything on Facebook making it all public.  I had a feeling inside she was back.  I have to admit part of me is so relieved to hear this, some what excited, but also I know this relationship is not right for me in anyway.  She has not tried to contact me and I have not tried to contact her.  I am working through my "wanting" of the contact and will not contact her. 

I guess I've had this "feeling" inside that she is going to initiate contact.  I have this looming feeling that something is coming.  I seriously hope not but at the same time I am secretly wishing for it.

I guess I'm posting here to just get it out that I am so messed up with this push/pull inside.  I feel like I am the crazy one! 

I really DO NOT want to go back to the dysfunction it was and am doing everything I can to get out of this spot I am in.  May be just posting a rant will help

Thanks for being here.

[fromheeltoheal]

hey JDK-

I admitted I still crave this woman... .

... .I know this relationship is not right for me in anyway.

Is it really her you crave, or the feelings you got (sometimes) when you were with her?

You've acknowledged the relationship with her is not right for you in any way, so is it possible to separate the cravings from the woman?  Borderlines need attachments to survive, and since it's mandatory they get very good at figuring out what your deepest needs are and meeting them, for a time, so you won't leave.  And having those needs met is what you crave now.  The good news is, if you dig there, you can determine what those needs are and how to get them met in other ways, ways that aren't dependent on other people necessarily, which is awesome because then you don't need to look outside yourself to get your needs met, if you so choose, and at the least you can be very selective as to whom you let in your life moving forward, because you're not coming from a place of need.

[pjstock42]

Is it really her you crave, or the feelings you got (sometimes) when you were with her?

You've acknowledged the relationship with her is not right for you in any way, so is it possible to separate the cravings from the woman?  Borderlines need attachments to survive, and since it's mandatory they get very good at figuring out what your deepest needs are and meeting them, for a time, so you won't leave.  And having those needs met is what you crave now.  The good news is, if you dig there, you can determine what those needs are and how to get them met in other ways, ways that aren't dependent on other people necessarily, which is awesome because then you don't need to look outside yourself to get your needs met, if you so choose, and at the least you can be very selective as to whom you let in your life moving forward, because you're not coming from a place of need.

This is a great post. The experience of going through the cycle with my BPD ex gf has started to make me think about many things in my life that go far beyond her as a person and her condition. For some reason, I've always felt like I need to be in a relationship to be happy, clearly there are some needs there like heel mentions and I was going with what I thought to be the best method of meeting them. Because my ex met all of these needs so well and made me feel as though I had it all figured out, it's been incredibly difficult losing all of that in the blink of an eye and it really makes you look inwards at some point and think about why these needs exist / other ways to meet them. I used to walk around thinking that there was a piece of me missing and that I could only be happy if I had a girlfriend in my life to fill this gap and while I'm still in the grieving process, I'm starting to think of things differently. I'm not 50% of a person living my life and being miserable unless I have another person to fill the remaining 50%, I'm 100% of myself and it's nobody's responsibility but my own to ensure that my own needs are met. I don't exactly know how to accomplish this yet but just realizing that this will be a healthier state of mind for me is a good start in my opinion.

[Circle]

I used to walk around thinking that there was a piece of me missing and that I could only be happy if I had a girlfriend in my life to fill this gap and while I'm still in the grieving process, I'm starting to think of things differently. I'm not 50% of a person living my life and being miserable unless I have another person to fill the remaining 50%, I'm 100% of myself and it's nobody's responsibility but my own to ensure that my own needs are met. 

Nicely put!

[DreamerGirl]

pjstock42, I feel the same way. 

I feel half empty without having a man in my life.

I have thought so hard about his during the last 6 weeks, after being discarded by the person who loved me so much.

I just need to figure out why I don't feel full and happy, even with the love of my daughter, friends and family.  It's just never enough.  I crave something deeper.

I agree that realizing this is at least the first step in healing ourselves.

What a journey.