I'm back, torn and depressed

[satahal]

I haven't posted in some time. I ended my r/s with my BPD partner almost a year ago.

4-6 months in things morphed into some weird hybrid arrangement - I was clear that we weren't back together and didn't allow him to sleep at my place. Because of his relationship with my son, I never went NC.

The arrangement felt manageable. Sometimes he'd melt down about getting back together and there were a few ugly scenes but not nearly as many as when he was around full time. The time free of taking care of his needs, walking on eggshells and arguing freed me up to work, plan, relax, journal, read, etc. I felt excitement for the future for the first time in many, many years. I started working out and lost nearly 20lbs. Life was feeling pretty good.

Then my disabled teenager began having significant mental health issues, including aggression. I was desperate and alone (bio dad is barely in the picture). That turned into my ex BPD partner sleeping here at night again, most nights, because I was afraid to be alone in the house with my son. (on a side note: my son is receiving services but it's a process that takes a lot of time)

I came to the conclusion that I needed to stay with this man because I can't care for my son on my own. And then, once my son is in a group home, which is not very far away, I figured I would have the extra energy and time to deal with my BPD's high needs.

Well, not so much. He's back at the crazy making, accusations, fear of abandonment paranoia, lying, ranting and raving, etc. Because my son has been so challenging he expects to be constantly praised for pitching in, not to mention rewarded with chandelier-swinging sex on the regular. Though it's not completely stopped by any means, being sexual isn't high on my list with everything going on with my boy.

Now, I feel torn and trapped. I'm proving him right if I dump him because he believes I was "using" him to help with my son (the child he said he would always take care of).

I'm so depressed I can barely function. I haven't worked in weeks. I barely get out of bed. I can't bear to see or talk to anyone. I don't honestly know how much this is my kid and how much is my partner - it feels so good when either one of them is gone for a period of time, and when both are gone - I'm in heaven!

I suspect I'll do this hybrid thing until I get my son situated somewhere in a year or two.

[byfaith]

Hi Samanthal,

My situation is "similar" to yours in that I am married to a woman with a PD and her son suffers a disability (paranoid schizophrenia). He lives with us. He has disturbing delusions. His problem seems to be getting no better. He is 31

My wife refuses to consider a group home. I have helped my wife and her son more than I have helped any two people in my life. I feel like my tank is out of gas.

I hope you can get help with your depression. It's a horrible feeling.

your quote
I'm so depressed I can barely function. I haven't worked in weeks. I barely get out of bed. I can't bear to see or talk to anyone. I don't honestly know how much this is my kid and how much is my partner

My wife will not come out and say it but I think this is how she feels.

Are you in any type of therapy?
 
My heart goes out to you

BF

[satahal]

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear you have the double whammy family too.

I'm not in therapy now but planning on it. Financially, it's a little dicey at the moment. I actually got myself to meditate this morning so that was good. Daily meditation has helped in the past.

Personally, I am all for a group home for my boy. If he lives with me he will continue to isolate and have a very small world. The structure and companionship will be good I'm certain. And I just can't give up the rest of my life to care taking. I see no benefit in sacrificing my quality of life.

My partner came over unannounced this morning. Not a good feeling. I'm going to start the technique of acted confused and boring.

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal,

it sounds like you really have a lot on your plate. You need support with your son, so you end up with pwBPD, who actually needs a lot of support himself.

Is there anyone else, family or friends or a community organizaion or volunteer group you could turn to for some respite for your son? A year or so is a long time to be in this stressful situation, and you seem to be managing very admirably. Even though you say you can barely function, and I believe you, of course, I am still hearing such energy in your words!

These are practical matters. Taking care of your son is a lot to be dealing with. You need some help with that. You accepted the ex's help, in a pinch, hoping it would actually relieve you and work out. But now you see it seems to be adding to your workload, to your stress, and you want to eliminate that additional stress.

Would that be right to say?

If the pwBPD is creating havoc and you actually feel better, more peaceful, when he's not on the scene, then I think you need to get him off the scene. At least minimize his presence on it. At least until you have the space in your head to deal with the demands of that relationship.

Whether he thinks that proves something or not is not something you have to worry about right now. If we explain to a loving and supportive partner that we need x, y, or z for a while, they can ask questions to understand better, express sadness or disappointment, be sad, whatever. Anything other than that is their own problem.

Right now I wish you would do what's needed for yourself. Who are you talking to, who can you rely on a little, just to listen to your concerns. Us here, of course, but in your vicinity. Who can make you a cup of tea and tell you to rest up for a few minutes?

That's what I'd wish on you just a the moment. Tell us?

[satahal]

Hi Vitamin C,

You're right, I do want to eliminate the additional stress. I wish it weren't that way. I don't know about other folks but when my pwBPD isn't having issues, he's lovely company. Unfortunately, when the storm rolls in it's big, dark and lasts awhile. He's in that state every two-four weeks, more or less.

I have respite care for my son. The workers can only come at night so it's not ideal (my son isn't actually a handful at night), but they get him out of his room, to restaurants and movies. If he doesn't want to go out then I have to go out, which I don't love. Day time and/or overnight respite would be ideal - someone to pick him up at school kind of thing or watch him so I can go away for a weekend, but it's better than nothing. Right now, a worker comes two nights a week for a couple of hours. I'll be increasing that to four nights very soon.

I'm isolated in terms of a support system. My family is small and thousands of miles away. I haven't been very good about making or keeping close friends in the last ten years. After 9 yrs with a pwBPD who's verbally and emotionally abusive, unfaithful and chronically dishonest. I'm mortified. I just don't want people to know, so I've settled for the image of a good r/s and mostly distant friendships.

Also, I don't think I've been in a position to give enough as a friend to have friends who want to give anything to me, if that makes sense. My best friend is back east, where I'm originally from.

This Stockholm syndrome crept up on me, wherein I felt closest to my partner with BPD because he knew all of my skeletons (he was all of my skeletons) but it was more comfortable to stay in the closet with him than share my reality with a friend.

I'm not sure how one emerges from this amount of rubble. I'm getting my son good care and trying to do a little more each day in terms of self-care and being a little active. I'm honestly not a fan of therapy - I know that sounds foolish. I've done a lot it in the last 30+ years and I'm in my head so much it just feels like more ruminating. I know what I need to do - just need to find the strength to do it.

But yes, I'm horizontal, or close to it, most of my day. I shower at least and brush my teeth, although sometimes not until noon  I cook a little bit and clean the dishes, feed my boy and the animals, but I've not worked, not attended to any of my various projects and I've not been social at all.

The last incident with my son was traumatic and that knocked me flat for several days. Just as I felt myself getting back to living a little my pwBPD launched into an episode that put me right back on the ground. I kind of feel like, "Why bother getting up?" But get up I must.

Thank you for asking.

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal,

Thank you for answering.

I just want to take this from your first post in this thread: "The time free of taking care of his needs, walking on eggshells and arguing freed me up to work, plan, relax, journal, read, etc. I felt excitement for the future for the first time in many, many years. I started working out and lost nearly 20lbs. Life was feeling pretty good."

I've read a bit of your backstory and see that you've a long history, that you know about and use the tools, and see limited success with them. I understand your concerns around your son and the relationship he has with your BPD partner and not wanting the lack of this man to negatively impact your son. I also see that you have a daughter with a recent diagnosis of BPD and who, though in therapy (which is great), you understandably have fears over and above what every mother probably has for their child, regardless of age.
And I see that you have financial problems and that your once successful business was given up because of the relationship.

That's a lot to be dealing with. There are practical issues (money, your son's care and well-being) and there is the personal stuff (your exhaustion, depression, your love for your BPD partner and knowledge that he is one of the things that depletes you in your life). How to "emerge from the rubble", as you put it? The "rubble" is the mix of your practical and personal issues, would you say?

You also say that you are not a fan of therapy. You mentioned in your first post that you had meditated and that had felt good. I can understand what you mean about therapy and the link to just ruminating on things. My own view, is that it depends mostly on what you want to get out of therapy yourself, how well-matched to you and your project your therapist is, and how you use it to set small goals and keep track of where *you* are in process.

Of course not everything can be solved by therapy, it's not a magical solution any more than The Tools are - as you pointed out in your reply on someone else's thread.  All those things, therapy and The Tools that are suggested and advocated here, are just that "tools".  A hammer doesn't build a house by itself, but it can make the job a lot easier.  And then sometimes you need, not a hammer, but a wrench. I don't know, I'm not any kind of a handyman, but I get the basic idea of what the different tools are for. The phrase "fit for purpose" just floated into my head.

Maybe someone here has ideas about what can be done in practical terms to alleviate some of those practical concerns. It seems you're doing a lot in terms of getting whatever help may be available. Maybe there's something you're missing.

I personally am more focused on what all that stress feels like and how debilitating that can be. And you strike me as very capable. Would that be right? I am not recommending therapy per se - it's not my business to do anything of the sort - I guess I was really wanting to emphasize the self-care that can be missing when so many things need attention and are going on. And thinking about where a bit of that kind of support could come from for you. Both your son and your partner seem to be isolating forces in your life, each in a different way. Isolation is no good, as you know and have said yourself.

You say you know what you need to do and just need the energy to do it. What are the things you need to do?







 

[satahal]

Hi again,

Thanks for asking. Writing it all out is so helpful.

Things to do:
1. Get back to work. I think a schedule would be really helpful, setting some long and short term goals so I can build back up to being productive and organized.

2. Attend to stress/ptsd symptoms (can't be super effective from the bed  So, meditate, exercise, journal, be social, eat healthily, take vitamins, get back on my diet, get good rest, limit internet time (I've been wasting hours going down web rabbit holes and it feels gross). Again, a schedule would probably help - outline a routine, which times and days I do what.

Thanks for reading background - but seeing it written back - boy, do I feel like train wreck! I feel lucky that my daughter is in a really good place at the moment. That's one ray of sunshine. I guess that's the other thing I need to do - focus on the positive where possible.

I've started reading a romance novel of all things. I decided I needed an escape and it's really pretty fun and not nearly as schlocky as I'd imagined.

I've been using the boring, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so confused" approach with my partner and it's been pretty effective. He's tried to lure me into show downs a few times and I've been able to avert them - although just seeing him here seeing a text is jarring at this point. I just keep telling him the same thing - I'm in a really dark place and I'm barely functioning so I can't do a r/s talk or argue or anything for you right now. 

Normally, I'm very capable - when I look back at my life, I wonder where I got the nerve to do so many things I've taken on but I'm shell shocked now - scared and insecure. I used to drive all over the place, travel to foreign countries - all of that scares me these days. I worry about my kids, money, the future. So many terrible things have happened that I never imagined would happen that I don't trust my ability to power through what life throws at me. I guess that's why hiding in my bed feels the best. I'm just hunkering down for the next blast.

But I've got to keep going. I've got to. I keep thinking about next year. My son will be 18, maybe in a group home but at any rate I should be able to line up respite care enough to go visit my daughter in Europe, where she's living, maybe even spend a few weeks or so and without having to rely on my partner to spend over nights at home with my boy. I am imagining a light at the end of the tunnel - whether it's really going to be there, I don't know but it helps to imagine it.

[VitaminC]

Thanks for asking. Writing it all out is so helpful.

It is! I find that too.
And now to make the written words a reality.
Your plan there sounds great. Can you get a big calendar or something and make notes on what activity, what day, what time. And then put a sticky star like kids have in school for when you've accomplished it.
I'm not kidding!

Break it down, otherwise it's overwhelming (says the pot to the kettle  )

Thanks for reading background - but seeing it written back - boy, do I feel like train wreck! I feel lucky that my daughter is in a really good place at the moment. That's one ray of sunshine. I guess that's the other thing I need to do - focus on the positive where possible.

That was not my intention! You know that. And it doesn't, I don't agree. It lays out the bumps in the road ahead. They're real. And those need to be respected.

I was just thinking that a month ago I was laying out the bare facts of my life like that to a friend; this hurdle, that hurdle, this money problem, this family concern, etc. Right now, these things are no less real, but I'm just not paying attention to them in the same way.  I just believe that if I keep going, it will sort itself out. I have a couple of emergency plans, but nothing that would fix things entirely. I guess I am more focused on shorter term goals and noticing myself coming back to myself is making me realise that while some things are out of my control, for others the situation will improve as my outlook improves and my strength comes back and I see options where I hadn't noticed them before.

And yes, it's wonderful your daughter is stable now and that is a positive thing to keep in mind!

I've started reading a romance novel of all things. I decided I needed an escape and it's really pretty fun and not nearly as schlocky as I'd imagined.

Brilliant.  We need relief!
Is there a book club you could join? Or an exercise class? Or a walking club?

 

Normally, I'm very capable - when I look back at my life, I wonder where I got the nerve to do so many things I've taken on but I'm shell shocked now - scared and insecure. I used to drive all over the place, travel to foreign countries - all of that scares me these days. I worry about my kids, money, the future. So many terrible things have happened that I never imagined would happen that I don't trust my ability to power through what life throws at me. I guess that's why hiding in my bed feels the best. I'm just hunkering down for the next blast.

You'll be back to yourself, you'll see. That kind of power does not go away for good.

it helps to imagine it.

That's the most helpful, and beautiful, thing there is.

Let's see your daily plan. Stick it up here?

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal ,

How are things?  Any new developments? How're you feeling?

[satahal]

Hi Vitamin C,

Thanks for asking. I wrote a big old daily plan and bam when I went to post it - the other night - the server was down and it went into the ethers.

At any rate, the daily plan kind of depressed me. It contained not one thing I felt even a little excited about. It was aspirational in terms of involving steps to me becoming a functional, showered, dressed, wage earning human every day (and I suppose that should be exciting given where I am/was) but I couldn't quite see what was supposed to motivate me to do anything as exhausting as brushing my teeth and putting on shoes before noon. I know sounds flip but truly - just getting ready for the day feels overwhelming.

I heard from a work out buddy and she got me to commit to hitting the gym, so for two days in a row now I've done cardio and chatted with a friend. I also went to a birthday dinner party, which was nice. Made me feel like I do have some friends - maybe not super close intimate friends but sincere and decent folks that like me enough to ask me to do something.

Besides the r/s with the pwBPD, or maybe because of it, there's something really lacking in my life or in my attitude about my life. I should be excited. I have good projects and a good job and I should be really grateful and motivated  by those things but I am so depressed that I feel nothing and even if I did feel something I'm terrified of them - I don't feel like I am in any shape to actually do a good job.

My son had a set back yesterday and that threw me for a bit. My anxiety is ver, very high - he's very unpredictable and so doing anything that isn't super simple to execute without any hiccups feels scary and overwhelming. I had to dig up documents to register my son for school today and I felt like I needed a Xanax - didn't take one but really felt that panicked.

I did though because I had to. Maybe that's the trick - executing small challenges and the other trick is having to do things? So much of my work is on my time table more or less and so without a hard deadline it feels impossible to push past the anxiety.

But I think having accomplished that little thing energized me some - I came home and cleaned out a few cabinets, loaded up my trunk for goodwill and threw out a bunch of things I've been dragging around forever but don't really need. It's more than I've done in weeks.

The alternate cause for my sudden burst of energy may be that my partner/ex partner went out of town today and will be gone until Friday. When he's far enough away not to bug me I come alive. (it was a passive aggressive move on his part to not tell me until he was 300 miles into his drive but I could care less about that - he's gone, that's the important part

More than anything I want to be excited by the genuinely cool projects I have in front of me and I want to feel capable of executing them.

How are you doing?

[satahal]

 Vitamin C,

Just read through some of your posts - you're one smart cookie. And, you got out after 18months - extra smart, very insightful.

Your ex sounds like mine in some ways - drinking, cheating, porn.

[uniquename]

Samanthal,
You're depressed. That's ok. It's expected. Getting through the day is hard when you're depressed. That's awesome you got stuff done and realized you do have friends.

One other possible suggestion: a NAMI Family Suport Group. It helps to be able to talk with others who just get it right away. Best of luck to you and looking forward to seeing more of your progress.

[VitaminC]

Thanks, Samanthal,

And thanks for asking how I'm doing. May I tell you?

After 13 weeks NC, I asked for a couple of my things back that I'd left behind at his house. I asked be text and if he could drop them in a spare room of an office complex we've both got the use of.

Of course there was no answer for a few days and I began to think I'd have to get a friend to help me collect them. At the same time, I tried to remind myself that I wasn't so attached to these items, really.

I'm in a Buddhist centre for a few days. I'm not Buddhist, but came here because it's in a v beautiful location  and I thought it would be a good place for me to slow down a bit, reflect, focus, and write.  There are two daily guided meditations which are nice and I see the benefit of such a practise.

Yesterday I got a text from him telling me that my 'possessions'  had been left for me. I texted a friend to ask her to shift them into my office for me and she sent a couple of pictures to check that a big suitcase and bag were mine.  I wasnt expecting a whole suitcase if stuff and don't think I left that much behind.

I can only assume that practically every gift I've given him is in that suitcase. It'll be Friday before I'll see.

But this has had more impact on me than I expected. I know it's just another way he has of being mean and wounding in return for the wounding he's got from me. I get all that.  It's childish, which is the whole point - that's why we're here, most of us, if not all.

I slept badly, woke up kind of angry, and am still not settled. 

I read something in one of the books in the cafe here - pain is sure to come into our lives, but suffering is a choice.

I know what it means, and agree in principle, but am still annoyed that this has disrupted the peaceful few days I was aiming for. I'm not the best relaxer and am really trying to learn to slow down and be mindful of where I'm at and kind of accept whatever way I'm feeling. All that.

This is a little set back. An "invitation to meditate" , as the people here are saying. By which I understand that we can't just force ourselves to feel calm when we don't and then judge ourselves for not being calm!

Am trying to apply what I know and see that there's no instant solution or instant calm. For a reason.

[VitaminC]

Sorry, that was all a bit garbled.  It's how my mind is at the moment - a little chaotic and I realise how frequently I experience frustration which feels a lot like anger.

Smetines I fear that if I let go of the anger or irritation I'll feel sad. And I'm much more wary of sadness than anger.

What I really came back to say was that  I feel as if I've not engaged  with what you said about your own situation. I think there are overlaps, but I can't actually clarify it all in my head or using language right now.

Here's wishing us both ease and the patience and strength to appreciate the process.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, not so much. He's back at the crazy making, accusations, fear of abandonment paranoia, lying, ranting and raving, etc. Because my son has been so challenging he expects to be constantly praised for pitching in, not to mention rewarded with chandelier-swinging sex on the regular. Though it's not completely stopped by any means, being sexual isn't high on my list with everything going on with my boy.

Your statement above, I have been there almost exactly! BPDh walked out 1 1/2 years ago, and we reconciled after a while, because like you I took advantage of the peaceful environment with him gone and realized he'd lost a lot of his ability to hurt me, and I was in a much better place to deal with his chaos. Plus, he said he's get help, and he got in DBT.

Well, it wasn't long before I was right at the place you spoke of: he was back to blaming, started lying right off the bat(he copped to the infidelity, but lied about using protection, thereby exposing me), huge anger, kicked my 16 year old son out of the house, and expected sex where I'd end up physically hurt or humiliated(I think Porn is where he got these turn ons).

I was right, he'd pretty much lost his ability to "hurt" me(other than physically, and I mostly put a stop to that), but like you, I was still thinking "why did I think this was a good idea"? I can now say though that I've done everything I can do to save this marriage, and that I can't do any more. I can walk away knowing that I tried, and that he's where he is because he chooses to be there.

I really, really wish that my BPDh would have gotten just a little bit better, learned to regulate or walk away, or learned some self control or self soothing. Or at least to apologize after a blow up, or learn to take some responsibility instead of just blaming me. I know a lot of people that have BPD can do those things, or do get better, but that is just not the case with my BPDh.

You thought you needed someone to help you with your son, but look at the cost. It's just added drama, and he expects so much for doing so little. He's added to your burden, not lightened it.

Start doing a LOT OF self care. You got better last time when he wasn't around: do that again, as much as possible. If that means asking him to leave, maybe you should. Get in therapy, interact more with friends, step out of the craziness as much as you can. Try not to engage with the BPD.

You are dealing with two difficult situations, so give yourself permission to feel bad, but also work on getting to a better place. You can do it, you've done it before.  

[satahal]

Samanthal,
You're depressed. That's ok. It's expected. Getting through the day is hard when you're depressed. That's awesome you got stuff done and realized you do have friends.

One other possible suggestion: a NAMI Family Suport Group. It helps to be able to talk with others who just get it right away. Best of luck to you and looking forward to seeing more of your progress.

Yes, NAMI - I forgot about that. I'd inquired awhile ago and then never followed up. I think that could be really helpful. You know, when I talk to people who don't have a pwBPD in their lives, they just don't get it - it's on such another level from what most folks are experienced with.

Thank you.

[satahal]

Sorry, that was all a bit garbled.  It's how my mind is at the moment - a little chaotic and I realise how frequently I experience frustration which feels a lot like anger.

Smetines I fear that if I let go of the anger or irritation I'll feel sad. And I'm much more wary of sadness than anger.

What I really came back to say was that  I feel as if I've not engaged  with what you said about your own situation. I think there are overlaps, but I can't actually clarify it all in my head or using language right now.

Here's wishing us both ease and the patience and strength to appreciate the process.

No apology needed - I appreciate reading about your situation. Meditation, when I practice regularly, has been unbelievable in helping me through very, very stressful situations. I'm still wondering why I stopped my daily practice.

When I was going through a rather gruesome custody battle with my ex a few years ago, my anxiety was through the roof. There were some terrifying possibilities in the offing and I was a basket case. I started meditating 5 minutes a day and built up to 20 minutes. I also spent about 30-60 minutes a day reading and rereading the Gita and the Dao. I got to a place where nothing rattled me. It was a miracle. I was so at peace in the midst of the worst kind of craziness. I just felt like everything was going to be okay even if I didn't get the outcome I thought was absolutely necessary for my son's well being. I let go of the outcome totally actually.

The other fringe benefit was that my pwBPD's antics, including infidelity and dishonesty didn't bother me anymore, where they had been driving me mad. I felt a detachment wherein I could observe, even be amused. Truly the best feeling I've ever known.

Then when the custody battle passed - I don't know what happened - I didn't decide to stop meditating but I began skipping days and before I knew it, I wasn't doing it at all. For me it works best as a daily practice - not as needed. So, trying to get back on track with that. I wish I understood why I resist and forget to do it when it's been so good for me.

It may be that I felt a little scared of how much I loved it - I'm not a joiner or an addictive sort of personality and I remember feeling like I wanted to go on a week long silent retreat and I was going to a few groups in town that meditated together at night. I think it brought up some fear that I'd pull out of the material world too much - It definitely became a space between me and my pwBPD - because he obviously wasn't meditating or reading Vedic scripture - he was boozing, binging on porn and lying every chance he got - I knew it would be the end of us and I suppose I wasn't ready for that then.

Of course I'm not sure I'm ready for it now either but I'm trying.

[satahal]

But this has had more impact on me than I expected. I know it's just another way he has of being mean and wounding in return for the wounding he's got from me. I get all that.  It's childish, which is the whole point - that's why we're here, most of us, if not all.

I slept badly, woke up kind of angry, and am still not settled. 

I read something in one of the books in the cafe here - pain is sure to come into our lives, but suffering is a choice.

I know what it means, and agree in principle, but am still annoyed that this has disrupted the peaceful few days I was aiming for. I'm not the best relaxer and am really trying to learn to slow down and be mindful of where I'm at and kind of accept whatever way I'm feeling. All that.

This is a little set back. An "invitation to meditate" , as the people here are saying. By which I understand that we can't just force ourselves to feel calm when we don't and then judge ourselves for not being calm!

Am trying to apply what I know and see that there's no instant solution or instant calm. For a reason.

Yes, no instant calm. Meditation, in my experience, has cumulative effects and works best with a daily practice. But it's certainly a great place to go when you feel off kilter. Sometimes there's a breakthrough even then.

As for the suitcases - what a tool he is - exactly what mine might do. Any engagement can be toxic, especially post break up. I'm sorry you had to experience a set back to your serenity.

[satahal]

Well, not so much. He's back at the crazy making, accusations, fear of abandonment paranoia, lying, ranting and raving, etc. Because my son has been so challenging he expects to be constantly praised for pitching in, not to mention rewarded with chandelier-swinging sex on the regular. Though it's not completely stopped by any means, being sexual isn't high on my list with everything going on with my boy.

Your statement above, I have been there almost exactly! BPDh walked out 1 1/2 years ago, and we reconciled after a while, because like you I took advantage of the peaceful environment with him gone and realized he'd lost a lot of his ability to hurt me, and I was in a much better place to deal with his chaos. Plus, he said he's get help, and he got in DBT.

Well, it wasn't long before I was right at the place you spoke of: he was back to blaming, started lying right off the bat(he copped to the infidelity, but lied about using protection, thereby exposing me), huge anger, kicked my 16 year old son out of the house, and expected sex where I'd end up physically hurt or humiliated(I think Porn is where he got these turn ons).

I was right, he'd pretty much lost his ability to "hurt" me(other than physically, and I mostly put a stop to that), but like you, I was still thinking "why did I think this was a good idea"? I can now say though that I've done everything I can do to save this marriage, and that I can't do any more. I can walk away knowing that I tried, and that he's where he is because he chooses to be there.

I really, really wish that my BPDh would have gotten just a little bit better, learned to regulate or walk away, or learned some self control or self soothing. Or at least to apologize after a blow up, or learn to take some responsibility instead of just blaming me. I know a lot of people that have BPD can do those things, or do get better, but that is just not the case with my BPDh.

You thought you needed someone to help you with your son, but look at the cost. It's just added drama, and he expects so much for doing so little. He's added to your burden, not lightened it.

Start doing a LOT OF self care. You got better last time when he wasn't around: do that again, as much as possible. If that means asking him to leave, maybe you should. Get in therapy, interact more with friends, step out of the craziness as much as you can. Try not to engage with the BPD.

You are dealing with two difficult situations, so give yourself permission to feel bad, but also work on getting to a better place. You can do it, you've done it before.  

That's the thing - when I get to a state where I feel like he's lost his ability to hurt me guaranteed he finds a way  Might be a new way or might just be that after getting back together I'm worn back down to rawness again.

I agree also - if he would just improve a little - get a teensy bit of self-awareness, ability to self-soothe, or at least remove himself when he's launching into an episode, I would (for better or worse) deal with it but he can't or won't. He's gone to several therapists, but by his own admission, he doesn't tell them the truth so he doesn't get the help he needs. I don't know why he goes.

And porn - I'm no prude but it's the last thing a man w/BPD needs to immerse himself in. I will have sex on my terms but that's hardly ever. I can't do it when I suspect he's been unfaithful or lying or is drunk or high or abusively angry - it rules out a lot of opportunities

I'm trying to do self-care. I wish I could do more or do this faster. My rut is deep because of the additional challenges with my boy. Luckily my partner is out of town right now. He's got his own place and we aren't doing the every day thing so he's not here more than he is at this point, which helps.

My daughter actually has BPD and she's made amazing strides by truly doing DBT - granted she was not the variety of BPD that my partner is (she doesn't have the fear of abandonment or rage features) but it shows me that DBT can work for people who want it. Maybe the difference is for my daughter the BPD was causing her enough pain that she was motivated where my partner's version causes others more pain then he experiences - he doesn't suffer depression or self-harm at all. He waltzes around self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, bodies and porn, rages, begs his way back in and goes round again - it kind of works for him for the most part.

[VitaminC]

Ha, you made me laugh by calling him a tool. I love that word in this situation.

I've been thinking a little about the act of giving gifts. All that's contained in the gesture.  Marcel Mauss book is on my shelf for the last 3 years - maybe time to flick through it.

Anyway, I think the Buddhists have something to say on this -  give without attachment or expectation. I think I give that way . Apparently not entirely as otherwise it would not distress me to think of gifts being returned in this situation.

Meditation is gas, I either find it funny or frustrating at how much my mind likes to plan things or work things out. During a session yesterday I ended up talking back to the nice man guiding the meditation - arguing logical inconsistencies with him! In my head, not out loud.  I was agitated to start with and was clenching my jaw by the end of the session . 

[satahal]

Ha, you made me laugh by calling him a tool. I love that word in this situation.

I've been thinking a little about the act of giving gifts. All that's contained in the gesture.  Marcel Mauss book is on my shelf for the last 3 years - maybe time to flick through it.

Anyway, I think the Buddhists have something to say on this -  give without attachment or expectation. I think I give that way . Apparently not entirely as otherwise it would not distress me to think of gifts being returned in this situation.

Meditation is gas, I either find it funny or frustrating at how much my mind likes to plan things or work things out. During a session yesterday I ended up talking back to the nice man guiding the meditation - arguing logical inconsistencies with him! In my head, not out loud.  I was agitated to start with and was clenching my jaw by the end of the session . 

I knew a woman who told me she only gave her mother gifts she'd herself like because she knew she would get them all back when her mother died. I thought that was incredibly crass/selfish but perhaps it's  good strategy for those of us partnered with pwBPD  They love the drama of returning everything! I always think of my experience with this man as what it must be like to date a highly dramatic 16 year old girl (times 1000)

So sorry you're suffering through bad guided meditation - that sounds painful! I have a hard time even in yoga classes these days. I've read a lot of Hindu and Buddhist texts and hearing these well-meaning but misinformed yogis spout their versions kills me.

I couldn't latch onto meditation until I discovered "passage meditation" as described by Eknath Easwaren. Basically you memorize a passage from some source of spirituality or inspiration and you recite it very slowly and silently over and over. Other techniques like focusing on my breath is maddeningly difficult for me and guided meditation, on top of being highly variable in quality, also interferes with stilling my mind because it requires too much processing.

Hope you can enjoy the remainder of your stay there.

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal,

Thank you for your reply and sharing your own experiences. My 16 year old girl didn't return all the gifts. I checked what was in the suitcase yesterday, and it was really only my belongings; most of which I'd actually thrown away and he'd rescued from the trash because he thought I would want them one day or they just somehow looked good in his house. Whatever. I was surprised and then kind of disappointed because I had prepared myself for every notelet I've ever left him 

Re the meditation, I am going to persist with it, because I honestly think it can do some good. I don't see how it can be in any way damaging to take a few minutes and just try to like and value myself. I tend to analyze things a lot, and maybe this is one way I can actually give that analytic tendency a rest.

I also wanted to ask how you are getting on? This is your thread, and I feel as if I've barged in with too much of my own stuff. I had bad internet while I was away (a good thing in other ways) and was a bit muddled in my thinking from all the peace I suddenly found myself in! 

How are you feeling? Where are you at?

You said this:
"'m trying to do self-care. I wish I could do more or do this faster. My rut is deep because of the additional challenges with my boy. Luckily my partner is out of town right now. He's got his own place and we aren't doing the every day thing so he's not here more than he is at this point, which helps."

I get this. Sometimes we want to do the healing and realising at warp speed and just get there already! Slow and steady is better though, as you know yourself.

Is your pwBPD still away?

[satahal]

Hi again,

I like reading what's going with you - interesting and helpful and appreciate your sharing. How odd your ex takes things out of the trash and returns them - but less hurtful than returning gifts I imagine.

My pwBPD returned last night. He's on his best behavior because he knows he went too far and I'm almost out of patience. It won't last. Never does. Just keeping him at an arm's length. I'm so proud of myself for actually getting so much distance - he used to sleep in my house every night and be generally up my ass with texts and phone calls.

With the challenges of raising my boy I keep coming back to the thought that I will likely not have the energy or logistical ability to end the r/s totally until I have freedom of movement geographically. My oldest lives in Europe and the plan is to spend good long stretches of time with her after my boy is 18 in a living situation and/or has supervision for extended stretches in my home.

I somehow convinced my boy to go to his bio-dad's for two whole nights. His dad has been abusive in the past and in my unprofessional opinion has Narcissistic personality disorder. His wife is Bipolar, but medicated, and they have two small children. My son is big enough (taller and outweighs his dad) and familiar with calling police and standing up for himself, so he feels safe to go for short visits these days but he's not stayed overnight there for years. I believe his dad has been reigned in by prior police and court involvement (highly problematic as he's an attorney) so I feel comfortable enough - though not totally. My son will call me to come home if it things go south even a little.

It's not perfect but I need a break. My pie-in-the-sky goal is for him to go to his dad's one weekend a month and then on another weekend I'll arrange child care at my place so I can go away somewhere.

I've not been working yet - been weeks now. Waiting for a client check, which will tide me over for a few months. I can take the break I suppose but feel like I'm wasting a lot of time doing brain numbing nonsense. And with some of my projects taking time off just makes them beastly to get back to.

My nervous system is raw from the episode with my boy and the subsequent melt-down by my partner (not to mention the entirety of my r/s with both). I find the tiniest things trigger huge anxiety - like not knowing how to get somewhere or beginning a task and running into a problem I'm not immediately sure how to fix. If I think something like that is in the offing I don't approach it. Hence not working - always tons of moments where I have to problem solve in murky waters.

Right now, all I can approach is cooking, cleaning, a few errands. My gym buddy and I managed three sessions before she got busy with work. Of course, I didn't go on my own - again this rawness - I might have to talk to people I don't know or something and I can't handle it.

But I do feel a bit better. I'm still dragging myself to meditate and praying I get back to a place where I actually look forward to my morning sit.

Thanks for checking in.

[VitaminC]

Hi Samanthal,

I keep thinking of you and wondering how you're getting on?

I saw this a few days ago and have been meaning to show you:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

By Sally Kempton

All of it is pretty good, and I took some things for myself. But when I read this paragraph, I thought of you.

" Loss or desire can paralyze us, so that we find ourselves without the will to act or else acting in meaningless, ineffective ways. One of the reasons we take time to process is so that when we do act, we're not paralyzed by fear or driven by the frantic need to do something (anything!) to convince ourselves we have some degree of control. In the early stages of loss, or in the grip of strong desire, it is sometimes better just to do the minimum for basic survival. As you move forward in the processing, however, ideas and plans will start to bubble up inside you, and you'll feel actual interest in doing them. This is when you can take creative action."

[satahal]

Hi Samanthal,

I keep thinking of you and wondering how you're getting on?

I saw this a few days ago and have been meaning to show you:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

By Sally Kempton

All of it is pretty good, and I took some things for myself. But when I read this paragraph, I thought of you.

" Loss or desire can paralyze us, so that we find ourselves without the will to act or else acting in meaningless, ineffective ways. One of the reasons we take time to process is so that when we do act, we're not paralyzed by fear or driven by the frantic need to do something (anything!) to convince ourselves we have some degree of control. In the early stages of loss, or in the grip of strong desire, it is sometimes better just to do the minimum for basic survival. As you move forward in the processing, however, ideas and plans will start to bubble up inside you, and you'll feel actual interest in doing them. This is when you can take creative action."

I like the link you sent me a lot - yes, the Gita is exactly about this - I should re-read this. I was so tortured by the inaction/doing without doing thing and whether to pursue ego-driven ventures when the whole idea was to be ego-less - paradox is huge with those Eastern religions. But I also suffer from lack of discipline in addition to my other woes and neuroses

Life has been kicking my butt for the past few days. My son has been off the hook with melt downs/anxiety - just all consuming. My pwBPD has been of minimal help and a little hindrance. I think you may have been the one to point out he provides a little help and a lot of angst. I think I sometimes assign proportions inversely and give him way too much credit for the little he does.

While this site was down I read the associated blog - great info there on breaking up - I've been engaged in what they describe as a protracted break up that's become increasingly toxic. Still see it dragging out longer and longer.

One thing that's a challenge is my kids liking him - I know I'll want him around when my daughter comes home for the holidays - he usually steps up on those occasions. He's very helpful, festive and great company (in general he's good with an audience - I may start a new thread on this topic). When he's "on" he lights up the room and makes everyone have a good time. A quality I always like as I can be a bit introverted and socially inept.

I made the decision today to go back for another grad degree. I'd applied in the spring and was accepted but I've not committed to going. It's a total career change and I'm not a spring chicken (53). I'm very burned out on my current career and can't seem to figure out a way to make it work for me again - I don't know if it's the clients or the actual work - it's all so confusing, especially in my current, generally confused state - but I'm hating it all and I can't imagine doing this for another fifteen or more years. The new career is in the helping professions - it's a two-three year school commitment - not extremely high paying but a livable wage and something I can do part time into older age should I choose to. I'll take this first semester and see how it feels.

If nothing else, it shakes things up and pulls me out of my rut.

Thanks so much for the link and thoughts - I hope life is treating you well. You seem like such an intelligent and lovely person.

[VitaminC]

I sometimes assign proportions inversely and give him way too much credit for the little he does.

We can get used to very little, gradually. That's part of what wears us down! Expecting less, doing more, but knowing that something is off kilter and that feeling may not even rise to full consciousness but it's there and we are being drained nonetheless.
 

While this site was down I read the associated blog - great info there on breaking up - I've been engaged in what they describe as a protracted break up that's become increasingly toxic. Still see it dragging out longer and longer.

I was rooting around the .org site too and also caught up with some reading
And I too spent, I would say, half the length of my relationship trying to break it off! Protracted ends are not unusual in these situations, but I think they are mainly protracted because we haven't committed ourselves to a course of action because something in us is still uncertain. That's the thing to figure out, isn't it?

One thing that's a challenge is my kids liking him - I know I'll want him around when my daughter comes home for the holidays - he usually steps up on those occasions. He's very helpful, festive and great company (in general he's good with an audience - I may start a new thread on this topic). When he's "on" he lights up the room and makes everyone have a good time. A quality I always like as I can be a bit introverted and socially inept.

Well, that's one reason. But do you think if your kids, especially your daughter, knew how the relationship was making you feel, she would want you to continue it? I know certain occasions are a big deal and it can be hard to imagine how we'll manage without a, b, or c. People stop drinking or smoking and don't think they'll make it past certain kinds of occasions, but they do. I know this is not about you, this part, but about you wanting a certain kind of experience for your children, but maybe you are sacrificing too much for them. And making a sacrifice they would not even want you to make. Maybe, if you give yourself a chance, you'll create a totally different and very nice and warm holiday period without the input of your partner.

You just sound exhausted, Samanthal. I think you need to start making plans for giving yourself a break, a real one.

I made the decision today to go back for another grad degree... .

I'll take this first semester and see how it feels.

Great!  It might be a brilliant thing! We have to try There is only the trying, as whatshisname said.

And do start another thread! By all means. Even writing things out is helpful, I think. And getting other people's experiences and perspectives is what we're all here for.

Take care of yourself. I'm keeping an eye on you [said in non-creepy way]

[satahal]

Not sure if you saw my other thread but I wanted to share the latest - he was arrested for domestic violence last night.

Basically, he was drunk, raging and showed up and scared the hell out of me. I called the police. They carted him home as he was too drunk to drive, kindly refrained from charging him with drunk driving or dv. He decided to come right back to my house after they'd taken him home. He pounded on my window and I was on the floor shaking like a wet puppy. Called the police again. He was picked up and charged and apparently spent the night in jail, was ordered no contact and has to return for a later court date.

He was supposed to be in another country for work today - so he missed that and I'm pretty sure when you have pending charges you can't even leave the state, so his work situation has been impacted and I feel terrible about it.

And I'm so embarrassed and guilty - never wanted to hurt him, ever - I just wanted him to stop. However, I'm more clear than I have been in quite some time. I really do need to end this totally. I can't do what is required to keep him placated and I can't live my life like a Jerry Springer episode.

Not sure how I'll sleep tonight - I'm probably going to go to a hotel tomorrow but I'm too drained to pack and deal with it all tonight - I'm hoping he got out of the country today or at least, since he's sobered up, isn't going to do anything to make this worse.

So, that's what's new for me. Hope life is better for you.

[VitaminC]

I did see it, Samanthal, just a few minutes ago and have responded there.  I hope you are sleeping soundly right now.