Introduction

[pls]

Hi all, just thought I would drop a note to introduce myself. I have been married for 18 years, and have had increasingly worse issues with my husband. I started to think of him as Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde... .and Googled it one day. And up popped BPD symptoms. It was like something clicked with our whole situation! The gaslighting, invalidation, verbal/emotional abuse, circular arguments, etc... .all made sense. It seems he has been getting worse and worse over the past few years, culminating into 2 dui's and an auto wreck. I'm about at my wits end and finally got myself into therapy. I'm also so glad to have found others in my same situation! It can be lonely feeling like the only one who truly knows the BPD world.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi there pls, !

I'm glad you found the site too! It has been hugely helpful to me, and many others, in dealing with the effects of a relationship with a partner or family member who has BPD. You will find great resources here in the form of articles, book suggestions, and the experience and empathy of other members.

It's kind of amazing that you found the site by arriving at the Jekyll/Hyde idea yourself. It can certainly seem that one moment we have one person, and the next they are transformed into someone else. Recognizing the switch and trying to figure out what triggered it, and then trying to control it can lead to all kinds of confusion, self-doubt, and stress for the other (the "non". Learning that all the seemingly disconnected symptoms actually have a name, is a very powerful place to be in.

It certainly is lonely to be in such relationships, very isolating to know that hardly anyone could understand. You'll find a lot of people who understand here.  

It's good you're in therapy. Do you find that helps? What do you think the first thing members could help with might be? A good place to start educating yourself about the condition and the kinds of communication difficulties it leads to is by reading some of the articles that are visible in the side bar on the right here. Or up in the "Tools" sections.

Feel free to post questions, or give us more background about your own situation. Have you children? Have you a support network with your own friends or family?

Keep posting and talking. It can make things a lot better !

[an0ught]

Hello pls,

yeah, typically the symptoms escalate when there is no strategy and commitment in place to reign it in. It is tempting to fix it and yes, there are a few things we can do to help. But first and foremost comes fixing yourself at this point in time. Kodos for seeking out support  and

,

a0

[pls]

Thank you! I have only went to one therapy appointment, so we will see how that goes. At this time, I'm just glad to hear and learn from other people in the same boat.

We have one son together, who's 13. I guess another reason I wanted more help and to learn more about BPD was because our son is at a very important age where father figures make a huge impact on their self confidence and the way boys look at and deal with life. Since my husband doesn't have a true sense of self-identity, he doubts himself and doesn't always know how to be a dad. Not saying we don't all question our parenting skills, but as a non I do the best I can and move on, its a constantly changing thing anyways.

I do have a couple of relatives on my husband side I can talk too, but at this point don't want to sound like a broken record. Enter therapist... .

Thanks an0ought and VitaminC for your input, nice to meet you!

[VitaminC]

At this time, I'm just glad to hear and learn from other people in the same boat.

There's a lot of us in the same boat. In fact, we're more like a flotilla. Hurray!
So you're in the right place.

We have one son together, who's 13. I guess another reason I wanted more help and to learn more about BPD was because our son is at a very important age where father figures make a huge impact on their self confidence and the way boys look at and deal with life. Since my husband doesn't have a true sense of self-identity, he doubts himself and doesn't always know how to be a dad.

There's a Parenting Board too, pls, which you've probably noticed anyway. You're right about the important age; they're all important, of course, but entering the teenage years is definitely a new period of change for kids. My own ex has a 10 year old daughter who lives with her mom. For now they have a pretty ok relationship, but I do wonder very much how his BPD will affect his parenting as his daughter grows more independent. And how that will affect her.  I am hopeful that she's stable enough from her mom's influence, but I don't know, a part of me is worried for sure. Mainly that she'll perceive his selfishness and begin to take it personally. He is undiagnosed and everyone in his family just sees a highly intelligent, prickly, oddball. I see someone with real potential to do damage.  You're in a much stronger position if you know what's going on with your partner and learn and apply the communication tools (scroll up to top to see the links) to manage the relationship.  These are demanding relationships and require a lot of management. So, yea, tool up!

I do have a couple of relatives on my husband side I can talk too, but at this point don't want to sound like a broken record. Enter therapist... .

Good thinking! Having somewhere you can be heard, and validated, and having the space to think through what's happening for you is super goodful.