The Perfect Storm

[Kowalski]

I’ve written and journaled a great deal over the last few months in an attempt to process what’s happened between my wife and I. The words seemed to come together quickly and flow into a clear narrative. However, looking back on what I wrote then compared to my new understandings, and over $20,000 gone in legal fees and other nonsense later, I’m finding that I will have to retell a more complex and detailed story.

It took the shock of my wife abandoning our little family twice, her infidelities and her psychotic behavior, before I could recover my head and heart from living in close proximity of an unstable nuclear reactor that was my wife—warming, glowing, but deadly to those closest---and a family friend who slipped me a couple key books to read.

I started by writing:
"I’ve finally figured it out. After all this time and after all these years. It makes so much sense. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. I’m just thankful that I do now, although some part of me wishes I could have said or done something sooner."

Then I launched into a walk down memory lane where I recounted how our relationship and marriage started, and got harder and harder and weirder and weirder as the spiral deepened and time passed. But what I’d finally figured out was only the tip of the iceberg. In addition I was still under the spell of magical thinking that I should have or could have done something or anything to fix or improve things beyond what I was responsible for and in control of.

Three weeks ago I finished boxing up my wife’s things and gave her two weeks notice (as suggest by my lawyer) to pick everything up in a truck. So far she hasn’t communicated any intention to pick up the things she's asked for.

Nearly everything I’ve done that she’s asked for she hasn’t followed through on, so I’m pushing my lawyer to be more assertive and set deadlines now that my lawyer believes me about my wife’s behavior.

I still have to battle my inner ego states that want to text, email or call her, and I have to keep outing myself to friends about these urges so they can intercede and tell me what I already know: Contacting her in any way is a recipe for more hurt and I give my power and self-respect away any time that I do contact her.

Before I start the story, I'll give a summary of some important facts:

- UstbxBPD/NBPDw (W) has a history of thyroid problems since she had her thyroid removed due to cancer over 6 years ago. Regulation of her thyroid levels was extremely difficult during pregnancy, and when there were big adjustments to her dosage, she tended to go "off the rails." In the last year, W has not been regularly taking her thyroid medication, especially leading up to events, and in fact, she was switched to a different brand and dosage by her endocrinologist.
- W has a history of depression, starting with post-partum depression that was treated with medication. She went off medication and stayed off but continued to experience mood swings and bouts of depression and axiety.
- W has been experiencing untreated insomnia for some time, and had been trying to self-medicate with herbs and melatonin with extremely mixed results. This resulted in W rarely going to bed before the early AM and rising in the afternoon.
- W has a history of uncontrolled rage and has punched and kicked holes in walls and doors, as well as thrown and broken things. Thankfully, there has only been one incident in front of S2 and only once was something actually thrown at me.
- W was in a previous abusive relationship that she has never really gotten over, and still suffered from PTSD regarding this.
- W's father was abusive, to what extent I'm unaware because she wouldn't talk about it much, which I respected.
- W was on birth control since High School, and until our relationship was inexperienced with a full menstrual cycle or tracking it.
- W was not eating regularly or healthily, and it was a constant struggle to make sure she ate on a regular basis.
- In short: Untreated depression, PTSD-like issues, insomnia, lack of self-care, anger management issues, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder-like systems, me being laid up due to a leg infection, gathered together in a perfect storm over the course of the days below, and suddenly I'm being seen as people from her previous relationships and father which caused her to run and take actions that are very, very unlike W.

To Be Continued

[Kowalski]

W was, and still is, brilliant, smart, articulate, talented and sexy as hell. It’s a snapshot of her that I’ll always cherish. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to fall so deeply in love with someone, and at depths of vulnerability and openness I’d never experienced before in my entire life.

When I first met and fell deeply in love with W, she was on birth control. She’d been on birth control since high school, and was never familiar with her cycles. When we decided to start trying to have children and she went off birth control, we were both very surprised how quickly she got pregnant. Surprised because my sperm was tested and I had a low quality sperm count and IVR was suggested.

Pregnancy was horrible for W. The lack of a thyroid, removed due to thyroid cancer 5 years prior, meant her thyroid pill levels needed to be adjusted frequently. Whenever they were adjusted, especially by large amounts, she went “off the rails” emotionally and was combative and accusatory. In hindsight, this should have been an indication how sensitive her brain was to hormonal changes and the underlying bonderline traits.

During the course of her pregnancy, I experienced the death of three people: A dear, dear friend; My step-mother; My father. This caused a great deal of emotional turmoil and stress, which I didn’t handle well at all and withdrew emotionally.

I also was undergoing a major job transition into management at my company that was an awesome and valuable experience. However it also required me to work swing shift for years longer than planned and promised, which took a toll on our relationship and my health.

The high level data security job and the hours were also very isolating, which also meant I withdrew from my church, friends and family.

Labor and birth was incredibly quick (5 hours), and despite childbirth hypnosis training, because of how quick it was, she was never able to get ahead of it and deal with the pain.

(A joyous aside that our beautiful son was and continues to be health problem free, thriving, sensitive and a joy. I can’t be prouder and honored to be his father. I look forward to every day with him and wish I could spend more time with him.)

Childbirth added another chapter to her existing PTSD (from a previous abusive relationship), which meant that since then, all pain, even stubbing a toe, would trigger her PTSD. Due to a vaginal and labial tear, sex was also problematic because there was often pain and discomfort which triggered her PTSD, years later.

Breastfeeding, for all it’s beauty and awe, was difficult and stressful. She fought hard to breastfeed for as long as she could, but it only lasted 6 months before her supply ran out. (She would later say about two years later that she had deep regrets that she didn’t fight even harder.)

Hormones reared their ugly head again when she experienced and was diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD), which was treated with buprorion. She also connected with a local PPD support group.

In retrospect, this should have been the second signpost for her major hormone imbalance and PMDD.

On my days off, I had to switch to day mode and become S's primary caregiver because W wasn’t coping well and was often overwhelmed.

She never fully got ahead of the depression, and things started to get cyclical and weird. Innocent discussions would turn into arguments, and she would scream, swear, throw things, punch and kick holes in walls and doors. I once even remember her throwing a fist my way, but stopping herself short.

(As a large but soft spoken man, I’ve only screamed at her once to “shut up” and slammed my wrist into the floor when she was badgering me mercilessly, which caused my 1 year old son to burst out in tears from fear as he was playing at my feet. That image burned deep into my memory and I’ve never, ever raised my voice since, with or without S nearby.)

Having my own issues, and later being diagnosed with depersonalization, I blamed myself. That if I could just change and be better, be more open and vulnerable, that she wouldn’t be this way. There was once a moment where I completely collapsed because she screamed with such venom that she hated me, and paramedics had to be called to help me back up and transport me to the ER where I was diagnosed with the incredibly vague “adjustment disorder”.

There were weeks she would swing from: Blaming me for everything, saying that I’m abusive, making suicidal and threats of divorce, locking herself in rooms, being found on the kitchen floor listless saying she was “worthless”, making all sorts of rules that I had to follow and expectations that I had to meet, writing goodbye notes to our son, being unresponsive to our son wanting attention, narcissistic, abusive and awful accusations leveled at me, lacking any and all patience, not sleeping at all to sleeping late into the afternoon, accusing me of being a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and being narcissistic; Being perfectly reasonable, recognizing that we both have issues that need to be worked on, being loving and lovable, cuddly, patient, initiating sex, and otherwise the brilliant and awesome person I first fell in love with but obviously worn.

Sometimes the switch between these states would be mere hours. I felt crazy. It was like living with someone who was bipolar.

When I tried to talk to her about these things, she would often question my memory, perception and sanity. A term I recently came across seems to fit really well: Gas-lighting. It’s a form of mental abuse. "Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred... ."

I never heard her apologize for the things she did and said, or even recognize that they ever happened. I seemed to be the one apologizing for anything and everything and trying to be better.

TO BE CONTINUED... .

[joeramabeme]

Hi Kowalski

That is quite the post.  I have read pages 1&2 and it seems that you are very thorough in your recounting.  Are you looking for some feedback or simply sharing your experiences? 

I have also thought of composing a lengthy account as well but  for what it is worth, you will find that generally speaking, you get more responses to a shorter narrative.

That said, keep typing away as long as you need to share.  If you would like some specific feedback please be sure to mention at the end what part (s) seem to be most troublesome.

JRB

[Kowalski]

She also had a host of other weird physical issues that she never experienced before pregnancy that I believe now were indications of a hormone imbalance.

- Persistent Weight Gain
- Chronic Fatigue and Low Energy
- Insomnia and Poor Sleep Patterns
- Sweating (& Chills)
- Low Libido
- Digestion Problems & Food Sensitivities
- Weird Cravings
- Acne, Facial Hair and Changes in Skin
- Persistent Headaches

In June of 2015, she switched from bupropion and tried a new anti-depressant, Cymbalta. Unfortunately, this sent her into some sort of crisis after the very first dose. It was horrible. Whatever it was, she refused to take the new anti-depressant after that (I can’t blame her). She hasn’t taken any anti-depressants since.

As the swings started to get worse, a cycle started to become apparent. I slowly started to notice a correlation between her menstrual cycle and the swings in mood and behavior. It was horrible in the weeks and days up to bleeding, and then she would pull out of it rather quickly, and once bleeding stopped, she was almost completely level headed again.

In March of 2016 I lost my job due to a reorganization. However, a generous (but flawed) severance package made things much easier financially and allowed me time to recover, get used to living full time in the day, get a very clear career plan and package together and most importantly, spend more time with my son.

The stress and uncertainty of all this added to existing stress, and I tried to compensate by taking over more parenting duties. (Gladly, I might add, but misplaced.) We call this “being primary” with our son. During this time I truly realized the depth of much I loved being a father and how proud I was being a father, despite being super self critical.

In the first week of April of 2016 a perfect storm was brewing. I injured my leg and was laid up during recovery. This meant I couldn’t be the primary caregiver for S, but I stubbornly tried my best. I was extremely frustrated and upset that I could not help out as much as I wanted and needed. I apologized many times to W for being out of it, grumpy, in pain and frustrated and wanted to make sure she understood it wasn’t directed at her.

W was very cold towards me, complaining about things not being done around the house, and making me feel even worse about my condition, demanding I snap out of it.

At one point I had to specifically ask W for some empathy and comfort, which resulted in a long winded response from her about not wanting to “coddle” or “baby” me, and that I’m trying to change her personality, which I repeatedly made clear I wasn’t interested in any of that. Just a lame “I’m sorry to hear that” and a touch.

The next day, W had a photo shoot in the morning and was exhausted when she came back. I was doing my best to take care of S while keeping my leg elevated.

W and I had some discussions and arguments. I readily admitted that I was having trouble dealing with my leg problems and how it meant I couldn’t help out as much as I wanted.

S was taking his noon time nap and had woken up. She said she was going to make blended drink for S and get him up. While she was doing this, the blender jar broke and it’s contents spilled everywhere. During cleanup, she knocked over additional drink jars making the mess even worse. I offered to help and even get S up for her, but she refused. She raged not to “undermine her” with regard to S. After an hour of S crying and needing to be gotten up, I hobble into the kitchen again and offered to help, and found W crying on the floor in the kitchen. I decided to take charge regardless of my leg, and I quickly cleaned up the kitchen as best I could and got S up while W went to take a shower.

W called the babysitter to help out for a couple of hours, which I readily agreed to. While S was out with babysiter, W went out as well, got a haircut and purchased a replacement blender.

After W and then S returned, W and I continued to have discussions and arguments. While in the kitchen, W started raging and said “forget it” to end the discussion. Since “forget it” wasn’t the same as “I can’t talk anymore” I didn’t want to "forget it" and said “no”. W swept her arm across the kitchen counter, knocking everything off it including the brand-new (and full) blender, ran into the bedroom, slammed and locked the door, pounded on it and screamed. (The door is damaged now.)

This angered me a great deal. I went back to taking care of S and propping my leg up in the living room.

A few hours later W reappeared and was confrontational. I told her that I was angry and pissy and that it wasn’t a good time to talk. She advised that she was going to go out because of it, however instead of leaving she continued to badger me. The discussion and argument, in front of S, devolved into interruption and childish behavior, at which point she started repeatedly muttering “don’t worry about it” and started packing up and muttering that she was going to file for a divorce and pay child support, and drove off in our only car.

According to the calendar, W's period was due to start the next day, and she later confirmed that it indeed did.

TO BE CONTINUED... .

[Kowalski]

That is quite the post.  I have read pages 1&2 and it seems that you are very thorough in your recounting.  Are you looking for some feedback or simply sharing your experiences?

Writing the account was therapeutic for me to confirm I wasn't crazy, and a version was also sent to friends, family, W's therapist, and my lawyer. There was hope that people on W's side would finally understand that W needed help, but that hasn't happened, and as I'm learning, it's not my responsibility. Feedback is always welcome on anything that strikes a chord, and after reading quite a few stories here and elsewhere, I'm sure some of what I wrote is very familiar to people based on their own experiences.

So in short... .I guess I'm just sharing.

I have also thought of composing a lengthy account as well but  for what it is worth, you will find that generally speaking, you get more responses to a shorter narrative.

Yeah, I tend to get rather verbose sometimes, and what I wrote seemed to just flow out of me when I wrote it.

[joeramabeme]

Glad you are finding therapeutic release from the writing, it is all very healthy.  I too have found that writing it all out - even for a second, third ++ times - is very helpful and I can recategorize previous ways of viewing or holding something internally from doing that.

After reading through most of your post the one comment that came to mind was from a separate recent thread.  In that post the OP said he thought his ex wasn't as much a conflict-creator (although she was) as much as resolution-avoidant.  Boy did that hit home for me. 

Typically the problems that were being dealt with were often petty.  But the resolution of those same issues was monstrous and often lead down a never-ending trail of arguments, slamming doors and passive/aggressive behaviors (on both our parts).  There just never seemed to be an "answer", it was so circuitous that at times I thought I was crazy as I would catch myself in the midst of an argument of which I did not know what the topic was.

Ultimately, I found myself trying to convince her that there was something wrong that I could not define and she could not see.  When I had glimmers of understanding from her it quickly disintegrated or she would simply (and literally) get up and walk away at the point resolution might be found.

Your posting here is awesome.  You will not likely find another group of people; friends, laywers or family that understand all these dynamics as well as your fellow non's.

Thanks, JRB