Advice needed

[coborder]

I currently live with a BPD partner, we have been together for 4 years, we are not married and we have a one-year-old child.
Our relation has seriously started to decline after the birth of our daughter. My partner became very aggressive towards me, verbally violent and almost physically (I had to call the police during a very bad crisis and it stopped the process of physical violence).

Despite this critical situation, I kept on hoping things would get better with time and we would find our balance as a family. But during the summer, he told on 3 occasions that he couldn't bear me anymore, and that he wanted us to split. Yet, when tensions cool down, we no longer talk about separation, we don't even mention it and life gets back to "normal" until the next crisis!

The last one happened last week. We were supposed to move from his place to a bigger flat, more suitable for the 3 us. But as we were about to sign the rental agreement, he flipped and said he didn't want to commit himself with me and that he wouldn't move. He wants me to go away.

This time, I really understand that our relation is in a dead end. I can not afford the flat we were supposed to share, so I am looking for another place. Since the crisis, as usual, things got a bit better between us but none of us mentionned anything about splitting for good. I am not telling him that I have decided to leave. I fear his reaction, so I wait until I find a place for my daughter and I.
 
Is it the right thing to do? Or should I let him know and clear up the situation?
If some of you have been through the same kind of situation, please, share your experience, I could use some support!
Cheers to you all!

[LilMe]

Hi coborder 

Your questions might be better answered on the 'deciding' board.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0  A moderator will likely move your post there.

Really only you can make the decision to stay or go.  Where do you see yourselves in a year?  In 5 or 10 years?  How will your relationship dynamics affect your child?  What is your gut telling you?  It is hard to step back and really see the reality of your situation, but you must.  Your child should be a priority.  The first few years of a child's life are so important to their lifelong mental health and are impacted by the relationships of those close to them, especially their parents.

Fearing his reaction to you leaving is not a good sign.  It might be a good idea to seek out your local battered women's shelter for advice on getting out safely.  1-800-799-7233  this number can offer advice and help you find a shelter near you.  Shelters offer more than a place to stay for battered women.  They can help you make decisions, get counseling, find community resources, etc.  And it doesn't have to be because of physical abuse.  There are many types of abuse.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!  Many of us have been where you are and now safely out and rebuilding our lives. 

[SettingBorders]

I haven't been through your situation, but just wanted to let you know that I feel with you. I'm 8 month pregnant and I noticed that my boyfriend (whom I suppose has BPD) is far more stressed out since we learned we're expecting a child. Accusations towards me have increased, which is, I think, due to his fear of failing as a father. I can imagine that the first year with a child is very difficult for any couple and that problems potencise when BPD is involved.

I can only agree with LilMe to put yourself and your child first and then think about your relationship in a second stage. In every bigger cities there are women's offices that provide (free) legal advice on custody and other questions. Only when you're well informed about all the possibilities you have, then you'll be able to think claerly about your relationship to your (ex-)partner.

So, I would suggest to communicate that you needed some space and as he wanted you to go away that should be fine with him. And then go on with your search for a smaller flat - even if he is trying to be extra polite and loving in order to hold you back. His behaviour towards you is unacceptable and he will only learn if you show him what happens if he treats you this way. It doesn't necessarily mean splitting. You will both see how the relationship evolves with separeted households. It might become better - or worsen. But you will see this. The most important thing is to get yourself and your daughter out of a destructive environment.

[ForeverDad]

It seems that the arrival of a child changed his perception of the relationship.  BPD is, in general, driven by a fear of abandonment.  That's what happened to me, my ex drew away from me as though she could love only one, 'her' child, and I was the odd man out.  Perhaps he sees the change in status quo as a triggering change.  Perhaps he can't handle the relationship changing from two to three.

If you had expectation that the relationship had a future then you would share information, maybe not literally everything but at least all the positive things to rebuild.

However, if you're contemplating separation and the end of the relationship, then different concerns kick in.  You have to protect yourself and the children.  Sharing information needs to be more guarded and judicious.  What you don't want to do is needlessly trigger him by sharing too much or information that could sabotage you if shared.  Triggering is of course out of your control but at least you can minimize overreactions by trying to avoid some of the triggers.

What to do going forward?  You have a right to confidentiality.  That includes deciding whether the relationship has no future and your planning to exit.  Why?  You already know the relationship is dysfunctional, he is living his life in repeating roller coaster cycles of ups and downs, however now on a downward trajectory.  He has at times said things and overreacted, that has raised your concerns.  So don't be overwhelmed by him pressuring to divulge your sensitive contemplations.  Ultimatums and interrogations are also wrong and you have a right to say No or Stop or even Leave (at least until the emotions calm down).

[coborder]

Thanks for your replies and advice. I am french and live in Paris, but I post on this website because I couldn't find any equivalent in on the french web!

I went to the social services to get some help, but it hasn't been helpful at all.
Anyway, for the moment, I keep on searching a flat and if my partner brings the topic up, well, I'll see then what information to share or not.

I feel way stronger than a few months ago and I try not to be mad at him or resentful. Our situation is hard and sad enough, I don't want to make it worse.

I'll let you know how it is going, it's a great help for me to share here my doubts.

Cheers to you all.