Heard from the ex today after a few days since I began my epic walkout... .she just wanted to let me know she'd read my last messages. This messages were definitely not nice. I thanked her and told her I'd send her an email with what I really wanted to say. This is what I sent:
There is no need for you to reply to this email, but you are welcome to do so if you wish. My only ask of you, which you are free to deny, is that you will let me know that you’ve read it.
Firstly, I offer you my apology and take responsibility for my own failures within our interactions over these last years - and especially during this last week.
It is never your fault when I fail to do the right thing. That is always my fault. No matter why I feel how I do, there is never an excuse to force those emotions upon anyone else. If any part of you felt you deserved for me to intentionally say anything or intentionally do anything hurtful, please don’t. I am responsible for my actions, you aren’t. Whatever my emotions were, or are, it is always my choice to walk away before an action takes place - and in this I have clearly failed many times. I deeply regret that I did not manage my emotions, that they overwhelmed me, and that I hurled them upon you. No one deserves that, and it is never fair to do it. In our last exchange, especially, I should have done more than simply tell you how emotional I was. I should have also said that I needed to end the conversation until I was in a better place, and then I should have ended it until I actually was in a better place. This is how I always managed my interactions with everyone in my past and will be how I manage them again moving forward. I ask for your forgiveness, and accept that you are within your rights to deny it. Either way, please do know that this apology is sincere.
Secondly, I am correcting some errors. Loving you was not the greatest mistake of my life. Loving you inappropriately after you had moved on was my greatest mistake. And it cost us both, dearly. It was inappropriate of me to continue to love you when I knew you did not wish for me to do so anymore. It does not matter that you never actually said so, or that you so often changed your mind - or that my ignorance of your struggles got in the way of seeing it. My hope for us was my burden to bear, and I should have done it silently. Well before (new SO) even happened for you, somewhere inside me I knew we were over. And I should have summoned the grace and dignity we both deserved to end us cleanly. By not doing so effectively, though I tried multiple times, my failure to follow through with what I knew needed to happen only allowed, and made me participate in, the damaging and repetitive cycles we went through. It is no small wonder that we lost whatever good we might have been able to preserve otherwise.
Additionally, it was never a mistake to believe in you. It is never a mistake to believe in anyone. Whether you fail or succeed - whether you make mistakes or handle things properly - I will always believe in you. You are more capable than you know, and I hope some day you come to realize you always were. You do not need me, or anyone else, to give you self-worth or to be your validation. You are worthwhile - as we all are - but you have earned the right to know you are better than you’ve allowed yourself to believe. You just struggle to know it. Never forget that you have remained a person who makes effort when others won’t - you care about and for your friends - and even when it is difficult for you to make the effort, you still do. It does not matter that your words fail you, or that you try and fail to make everything “just right”. You make the effort, and that is worth more than you know. As you recover from your disorder, you will find more success in seeing it.
The person I have known you to be is someone worth knowing - and is definitely someone worth loving. You can, and will, find a recovery process that works for you - and whatever healing you find, it is no bad thing that you have had failures in the process. We cannot learn from anything except failure, and we cannot have success without learning from our pasts. You’re further along at your age than I was, and despite what you believe about yourself, I know you are capable of continuing that growth.
And lastly, I wish to say how much of a privilege it was to be a part of your life and to have had the gift of your love. You brought me a healing I did not know was possible. Please always seek out friendship and love from only those who lift you up and love you for you. You deserve that, just as we all do. Continue your growth with all your might. Even a short-term investment can have a massive positive impact for you. More and more I am seeing stories from people who committed to their recovery and were in control of their symptoms within even one year. It is possible to live your life in a happier and healthier way. You can do it, (ex). I know you can.
And, finally, at the end of it all... .I summon and exercise the grace and dignity as I should have long ago. I thank you for your part in the good we had, apologize for my part in the bad, and wish you all the best as you rightfully pursue your happiness elsewhere. I truly hope your pursuit is successful - wherever, and with whomever, it may be. I will always hope for that.
Maybe our paths will cross again someday, but if they never do - know that I never stopped rooting for you.
I meant every word in the email. And I really struggled to stay away from "you did this and you did that" sort of thing... .or for justifying why I am so done with it all. I am still hurting a lot, but I needed to do the right thing for myself and make sure the last thing I said was something kind rather than something said out of pain.
I hope now that there is not another attempt to recycle. I feel strong enough to be able to say no, and I don't feel any guilt driving me to reconsider. I just wish I felt more... .I don't know... .peace, maybe.
It is really hard to not know where her mind is on any of it. The last time I tried to separate, she assassinated my character really badly, and I suspect has already begun to do so again. None of that matters except that it hurts to think how easy it is for her to be so... .just... .mean. You know?
My one great wish is that if we cannot have a good path in each other's lives, that she would at least be kind at its end. Why can't they ever do that?
