Hurt and confused and tired

[Caliguy01]

I don't know where to start or even how to really put this into words.I feel guilty for caring about this woman as long as I have when she just walked out of my life and never looked back.5+ years I put in with her,trying to show her how much I loved and cared about her and that I would always be there for her and never once did I let her down or give up on her.I never took advantage of her or manipulated or used her but yet I feel like I have all those things and more done to me.I feel like I was always her fall back guy or really just someone to keep her from being alone or lonely.Not one thing I did for her or all our history or anything for that matter made her think twice or doubt walking out on me and never looking back and that's the part that I have the hardest time of letting go of.How can someone after all that we had been through for each other just walk out one day and never miss the other and never look back?It's been two years now since we broke up and although I know she isn't coming back this time(we had broken up and gotten back together 5 times),I am having the hardest time making my mind believe that there isn't any hope and she isn't coming back.And what's that satay about me that I would want a toxic,broken relationship back like that?Im still really hurt and am still pretty emotional and I still hold on to hope that she will text me and that she will be remorseful and want to come back.Its sick,I know and I can't seem to figure out why I even still want her to when all she has done is hurt me and not show she cared one single bit.Most of all I'm just tired of caring about her and holding onto hope that she ever cared about me.Thats all I have right now,maybe I'll explain more later but I'm just tired of even thinking about this for now

[Larmoyant]

Hi Caliguy01, I feel your pain and so sorry you’re hurting. It’s so hard when we give our all and it’s not reciprocated. It’s hard to give up hope too and I can relate to your struggle. You mention it’s been two years since you broke up. Are you still in contact with her? Someone here with more experience will be able to give you help soon to start your journey out of all the hurt and pain. You’re in good company here. We understand what you’re going through.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Caliguy01,



I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. It can feel devastating to be left suddenly like that—my heart goes out to you. I can fully understand your feelings of hurt and confusion and tiredness. I felt that way, too, after my breakup with pwBPD. It was a very painful time.

You've found a wonderful place for support. As    Larmoyant has said, the members here have been where you are, and understand. And the site has so many tools and resources to make things better. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but t'm here to tell you that things really do get better; they certainly have for me and many others.

It's been 2 years since the breakup and you still have hope. You are not alone. Hope is often the last thing that goes in situations like these, in which the relationship is so emotionally loaded. I had hope, too, after my breakup, but a wise therapist helped me see that it was misplaced, given the facts of the situation.

Have you seen a therapist since your breakup, Caliguy? It helped me tremendously to work through the grieving. What about friends and family, have they been supportive?

I'm sure your ex cared very much about you. It's just that if she has BPD, her feelings can fluctuate to extremes, which leads to that impulsive and push/pull behavior (make-up and breakup cycles). BPD is characterized by a pattern of unstable relationships, and emotional lability, so the closer she got to you, the more her fears were triggered, unfortunately.

You may want to reflect on how your hope is serving you (or not). Does it shield you from the sadness and grief of fully accepting the loss? Does it stop you from seeing the reality of your situation, or from moving forward in your life? If yes, then I would suggest that this is a false hope that is keeping you stuck. The way through, in my opinion, is to face the facts as squarely as you can. Make a list if you have to. Focus on now, on how you feel, on what you want and deserve. If you get your "now" in shape, the "future" will take care of itself (since it's going to be just another "now"  ). 

Here is an article that really helped me to face the facts and let go of hope:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have a chance to read it, I'd love to hear what you think.

Keep posting, Caliguy. It really helps. We're here for you.   

heartandwhole

[Butterflies free]

Caliguy01,

You've absolutely come to the best place. We are all in this process together.
I am new here myself, and the support given here is extraordinary. The kindness, compassion, absolute brilliant advice and most importantly non judgement of your inner most vulnerability will help you not only to heal, but to help your heart find peace.

It's comforting to see yourself in other postings... .proving you really aren't alone.
We are all recovering/navigating/understanding/loving someone with an illness they cannot even recognize they have.

BPD eliminates the ability to be empathetic. That's why they treat us in a cold, callous and heartless manner during/after breakup.
Lack of empathy allows the pwBPD to perpetuate the illness because they've convinced themselves you're the cause for their real or imagined fear which is deeply rooted in them. It rears its ugly head often, and your on again/off again relationship exposes that reasoning.

I now think of my broken relationship with my exBPDbf this way:
BPD is the quicksand the foundation of my relationship was built upon.
* Unstable
* Shaky
* Sinking

What gives me solace is knowing it wasn't me, or anything I did. That this "foundation" he built for me, he also built for those prior to me and builds for anyone new. I was not the first, and I certainly won't be the last, but I will be free from the torment and heartache he inflicted forevermore.

Time heals... .don't pressure yourself
You're going to be okay ... .
We're all here to help

 

[amsheehy]

Here is an article that really helped me to face the facts and let go of hope:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have a chance to read it, I'd love to hear what you think.

Thanks to you my jaw is pretty banged up after hitting the floor... .