Really been struggling with the breakup of a relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I've really been struggling with the breakup of a relationship (15 months ago now). We were together nine years, we were engaged, she was the love of my life. The whole illogical nature of it has really messed with my head. When we were good we were sky high and i've struggled to understand why she would seek to destroy something so good. I could write an essay on the symptoms but I had a Eureka moment a couple of weeks ago when I started researching BPD. She scores 9/9 ! Walking on Eggshells confirmed everything. Finally, the answer of why has a sort of answer/explanation. This is a big help and maybe now I know the why, I can start to heal.

I've tried to move on, my good friend earns his living as a psychotherapist. I'm probably doing all the right things, but thus far they haven't worked. Detaching from the relationship has proved very difficult. I've started seeing someone else but the ghost of the BPD remains. After the intensity of the BPD relationship, a normal relationship is difficult. I owe it to her to improve my rate of detachment. I understand from my reading that my feelings/predicament are no longer unique.

I think it would really help me if I could meet and discuss with fellow survival spouse/s of BPD. I'm just outside London, England. Does anybody out there know of some actual physical support groups ? If not, does anybody know of some individuals in the London area who might be willing to meet and talk ?

The breakup has precipitated the most challenging 15 months of my life. Normally I'm a go getter, can-do kind of guy. The last 15 months I've probably been clinically depressed. She really got to me but I want to recover. If somebody could point me in the direction of support groups/individuals willing to meet in person, I'd be really grateful.

Thank-you

[tafkas]

Hello all,

I've really been struggling with the breakup of a relationship (15 months ago now). We were together nine years, we were engaged, she was the love of my life. The whole illogical nature of it has really messed with my head. When we were good we were sky high and i've struggled to understand why she would seek to destroy something so good. I could write an essay on the symptoms but I had a Eureka moment a couple of weeks ago when I started researching BPD. She scores 9/9 ! Walking on Eggshells confirmed everything. Finally, the answer of why has a sort of answer/explanation. This is a big help and maybe now I know the why, I can start to heal.

I've tried to move on, my good friend earns his living as a psychotherapist. I'm probably doing all the right things, but thus far they haven't worked. Detaching from the relationship has proved very difficult. I've started seeing someone else but the ghost of the BPD remains. After the intensity of the BPD relationship, a normal relationship is difficult. I owe it to her to improve my rate of detachment. I understand from my reading that my feelings/predicament are no longer unique.

I think it would really help me if I could meet and discuss with fellow survival spouse/s of BPD. I'm just outside London, England. Does anybody out there know of some actual physical support groups ? If not, does anybody know of some individuals in the London area who might be willing to meet and talk ?

The breakup has precipitated the most challenging 15 months of my life. Normally I'm a go getter, can-do kind of guy. The last 15 months I've probably been clinically depressed. She really got to me but I want to recover. If somebody could point me in the direction of support groups/individuals willing to meet in person, I'd be really grateful.

Thank-you

[Sadly]

Hello Tafkas
I live in England too, in Norfolk, not that far away. I have looked for support groups ( in the flesh) but haven't found anything. Here is good though, here the anonymity helps and the love and understanding and support is incredible. 

[tafkas]

Hello Tafkas
I live in England too, in Norfolk, not that far away. I have looked for support groups ( in the flesh) but haven't found anything. Here is good though, here the anonymity helps and the love and understanding and support is incredible. 

Thanks Sadly, have you not found any individuals worth hooking up with ? Are you healed now or still looking for people in the flesh ?

[JerryRG]

I know it may not be practical but how about looking into starting a new group? Emotions Anonymous? That may be the best fit for most people struggling with our issues.

Just a thought

[Sadly]

Hi Jerry
Hope you are doing well. It's something worth thinking about that's for sure but see below.   X
Hi Tafkas
Well, I have reached a stage in detachment that I am happy with but it's very new. Not sure what healed means as I think the scars and wounds from these relationships can break open at any given time and I still have loads of learning to do especially if I want to help others.
My main worry about physical meetings is that although we have all suffered/are suffering from partners etc with BPD there are sometimes considerable differences of opinions, stages, anger etc. On here when that happens there are moderators to step in, calm things down, soothe and explain. (Been guilty myself once or twice). In a face to face flesh group that might be a bit risky.

[tafkas]

Thanks again Sadly. Your concern is obviously a valid one and you speak with more experience than I as I have only just discovered the board. I feel I would respond much better to face to face as it's interactive. I think I'm seeking to benefit from the experience of others and feel the warmth that comes from a shared experience. I feel that already on here but being able to ask questions in real time would be a great benefit. I am working in a hotel in Norwich on Friday night only. If you fancy a coffee... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel I would respond much better to face to face as it's interactive.

Have you considered a counselor or therapist tafkas?  The benefit of a site like this is it's anonymous and like you say, communication in writing is the most emotionally disconnected, and the benefit of that is it frees us up to share without reservation, without editing, without worrying or wondering what whomever we're talking to will think.  That, along with all of the information here, in conjunction with a therapist who is trained and understands personality disorders, can be a very effective treatment plan.

[Sadly]

Hi Tafkas
I think for now you should spend a lot more time here. I do understand what you are saying and in my future I could envision a live support group, perhaps it's something for me to eventually put into action especially as understanding and therapy is woefully lacking in the uk.
For me, right now, no, it wouldn't be a good thing to meet anyone face to face. I have only recently reached a place where I am not bowled over by grief and depression, I need to be strong for me, it may sound selfish and I don't mean to be but I have to do this my own way right now. You will get so much help here, and the more you read and join in the more quickly you will become part of the family. We will always be here for you.
Lots of love from Sadly x

[tafkas]

Thanks for the suggestion heeltoheal. Actually, I have a very close friend who earns more than a modest income as a therapist. He has been a great help throughout. It is his suggestion that I find a support group, or even a few individuals. He knows me well and what I need to get to the next stage. I loved my borderline deeply and finding others who experienced the same trauma and injuries is great. it makes me feel I haven't gone mad after all. However, meeting people would be a great help. I'm very concrete and literal. Dealing in the abstract is difficult for me sometimes. Your profile makes you seem like you may visit here often or be a bit of a board 'VIP'. If you come across others who would like to meet, perhaps you'd be kind enough to send them my way ?

Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi tafkas-

You mention you've been out of the relationship with a borderline for 15 months now and you're in a new relationship.  What's the biggest issue with the borderline relationship going on for you right now?

[tafkas]

Hi tafkas-

You mention you've been out of the relationship with a borderline for 15 months now and you're in a new relationship.  What's the biggest issue with the borderline relationship going on for you right now?

There are many issues - the intensity of it was a difficult thing to leave behind. Going back to 'normality' is a transitional thing and will take time. For nine years I knew something wasn't quite right but she declined all attempts at therapy. I knew there was a disorder and not being able to understand why she would 'split' was intensely frustrating. I have only recently had the lightbulb moment, hence I'm here. Now I finally have a label for the behaviour it is a big help. meeting with others will be an even bigger help

[fromheeltoheal]

There are many issues - the intensity of it was a difficult thing to leave behind.

Can you name one of the issues?  And yes, relationships with borderlines can be intense, in fact a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation is an official trait of the disorder.  And after 9 years is it safe to say that you were getting some benefit from the intensity too?