Introducing myself

[Raphaël]

Hi there,

My name is Raphaël and I come from the Netherlands. I'm 36 and have two children. One twelve year old boy that I happily co-parent with my ex-wife (non-BPD) and we are really doing great I think. I also have a small girl who just turned one year with a woman who is diagnosed with BPD half a year ago. We don't live together as she left me when she was pregnant. She wants to be in a relationship with me but doesn't want to parent as equals (which is very important for me). I only recently registered my fatherhood after starting a legal procedure. Eventually she gave in and and together we went to the local government.

Last year I took care of my girl for about two days a week but she doesn't want to agree on more permanent agreements about the care for my daughter. Every week is different and I always wonder when I will see my daughter again. This is really difficult for me as I have been very flexible but now I need some more structure.
Besides this she is busy organizing child's care for three days at a local centre. I feel very bad about this because at the days she is bringing my daughter there I also am in the possibility to take care of her. It really feels that she is not taking into account my feelings and what I think is important. I have a very good bonding with my daughter and she feels safe with me I think. I also think it is important for my little girl to have someone around who is really sensitive to her needs as her life already has been very chaotic.

I now am at the point of definitely ending our relationship because of the child's care construcion she is organizing. After she left me I tried a couple of times to make a relationship work but it only makes her more insecure, we have more fights and she can't say yes to me as she doesn't trust me. I told her what I find important in our relationship (equal parenting and working on our communication issues). But she is scared that if she gives in to co-parenting I will leave her immediately.

Furthermore, my (ex-) girlfriend is in therapy for a short while but shows very little self-reflection. Also there are a lot of organizations involved at the moment, but in my opinion this has to be much more frequent. I find her very verbally abusive to me, something which only recently got a little better. She has attacked me physically a couple of times (not really a big deal but still... .). It is very hard to communicate with her and she doesn't understand my actions and feelings.

So I guess that maybe it's better to end the relationship and live with the consequence that I will only see my daughter one or two times a week. Because I cannot live anymore with this uncertainty, the fights we have, her expectations of me and she not taking my feelings into account.

I do love her but her actions are pretty destructive and make it hard for me to invest in a relationship, especially if she uses my daughter to get what she wants.

Right now I'm looking for answers to the question what makes a relationship with someone with BPD work. I know there are succes stories and I am wondering if mine could be one or that we have sunken so deep that there is not enough oxygen left to surface alive.

Thanks for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi Rapheal,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I would feel frustrated, distressed and heartbroken if my ex wife was denying me of reasonable access and being inconsiderate with the child care schedule.

I'm glad that you decided to join us. You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

My ex wife had promised me right before she left that we would be sharing child support costs and I could see the kids any time that I wanted to. Everyone's situation is unique and everyone's pwBPD is a different person with a different personality with different BPD traits / severity. I'm not saying that my ex wife represents everyone with the disorder.

She left with the kids and she then said that I could see the kids every second weekend and if I behaved I may be able to get more time with them. She would also not pick up the kids when we agreed on and I had to go work.  The kids were in her name at daycare ( its under mine now ) and she removed our kids from daycare without my permission and wanted my to pay her to watch them because she needed the money. I can't trust her and it depends on her mood, if she was in a foul mood in the I'll be stuck for a sitter and who pays a parent to watch their own kids?

It really feels that she is not taking into account my feelings and what I think is important. I have a very good bonding with my daughter and she feels safe with me I think

I'm Canadian and I'm not familiar with the Netherlands family court system but generally judges don't assess the emotional needs of the mother or the father but they assess the emotional needs of the child and the unconditional love that the child has for the mother and the father regardless if how the parents feel about each other. That said, your D has unconditional love for you that her mother us interfering with because of she feels or doesn't want to get along with you.

I'm confused. The board is for parents that co-parent after the split but you're still together? Have you talked to a lawyer?

I understand that you said she was physical just a couple of times. I relate with an ex wife that was physically abusive. Here's an article that I would like to share with you just as a precaution.

Domestic violence [for men]