ExBPDbf more realistic about breakup than me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I'm so confused and hurt and all of the things really.  I haven't used this board for two years.   My exBPDbf really started to turn his life around.  Sure there were moments but nothing soul destroying.  He got a job, he saw a therapist,  he stopped taking drugs.  He could communicate his feelings. 

About a month ago things started going really down hill.  A week ago he shut down completely and refused to talk to me.  He said he needed space and went to a friends.  He took his laptop and guitar.  Then he messaged late at night and said that he wasn't ever coming back.   

Normally this stage lasts a few hours two a few days max but he rejected all of my calls for a week. Then he messaged me said that he is sleeping with someone else amazing and that he was sorry that he wasted my time.  I said I was sorry and told him that I hoped he would find happiness.

Then the very next day he basically demands I come over.  I am hurting and I cave.  We spend the night together (bad move I know) and he basically says that he loves me but can't do relationships.  I said that I wanted to remain friends (whilst honestly I just want to forget the past week ever happened.)  He said that he will have to call in a few weeks to see how he is going.   I have to leave to go to a friend's lunch he gets really upset that I'm going demanding again that I stay with him throughout the day despite his ignoring me all week.  I said that I would call him when I'm done.   I did.  he answered and said that he was upset at someone and he would call back.

That was a day ago and I'm screaming on the inside.  He has blocked me in every possible and refuses to engage.  It hurts terribly.  I feel like an idiot.

I really want him to come back and just talk to me.  He has been my best friend for three years and he is all around the apartment I'm in.  I don't know how to deal with this if I can't get any closure.  I need help getting through this.  I miss him terribly.  Thank you for listening to this .

[Pipedreamer25]

Hi all,

I'm so confused and hurt and all of the things really.  I haven't used this board for two years.   My exBPDbf really started to turn his life around.  Sure there were moments but nothing soul destroying.  He got a job, he saw a therapist,  he stopped taking drugs.  He could communicate his feelings. 

About a month ago things started going really down hill.  A week ago he shut down completely and refused to talk to me.  He said he needed space and went to a friends.  He took his laptop and guitar.  Then he messaged late at night and said that he wasn't ever coming back.   

Normally this stage lasts a few hours two a few days max but he rejected all of my calls for a week. Then he messaged me said that he is sleeping with someone else amazing and that he was sorry that he wasted my time.  I said I was sorry and told him that I hoped he would find happiness.

Then the very next day he basically demands I come over.  I am hurting and I cave.  We spend the night together (bad move I know) and he basically says that he loves me but can't do relationships.  I said that I wanted to remain friends (whilst honestly I just want to forget the past week ever happened.)  He said that he will have to call in a few weeks to see how he is going.   I have to leave to go to a friend's lunch he gets really upset that I'm going demanding again that I stay with him throughout the day despite his ignoring me all week.  I said that I would call him when I'm done.   I did.  he answered and said that he was upset at someone and he would call back.

That was a day ago and I'm screaming on the inside.  He has blocked me in every possible and refuses to engage.  It hurts terribly.  I feel like an idiot.

I really want him to come back and just talk to me.  He has been my best friend for three years and he is all around the apartment I'm in.  I don't know how to deal with this if I can't get any closure.  I need help getting through this.  I miss him terribly.  Thank you for listening to this .

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that pipedreamer, it is very confusing when a partner just leaves without any real communication, and very painful when you've been living a life together and are left in a kind of limbo.

So what's the goal?  You mention you want him to come and talk to you, and then what?  Are you looking to reconcile, are you looking for closure so you can move on, even though you don't want to but seems he does, or something else?

[patientandclear]

This sounds terribly terribly hard. Anyone in your position would be devastated. You actually sound quite grounded and together, all things considered. (What was the title of your post a reference to? He does not seem realistic! You do seem to have your feet on the ground.)

Let me just offer a few principles for your consideration.

It may really be exactly as he says--he loves you. And he just can't do relationships. I ultimately have had to accept that is the case with the BPD person in my life. If that's true, it may have implications for what YOU want. It may take a while for YOU to sort that out.

I'm putting "YOU" in caps because in a situation like this, where the other person is acting impulsively, it can be a habit to think of yourself as the one whose feelings don't change. It's almost a virtue. He rattles around like a pinball but you are the steady constant one--likely that's your self-concept, right?

I flag this because, if it IS true that he can't do relationships, and is going to evacuate like this sometimes and take up with other women suddenly--it would make all the sense in the world if, after you process the shock, you find that has changed YOUR feelings. I urge you to not just assume what you want (for the last week not to have happened, for him to come back). Who knows what your true feelings will be when the dust settles. Don't confuse the impulse to erase the hurt (and understandable impulse for sure) with what your deeper feelings may turn out to be about this. No way to know that yet.

This situation is far from resolved. He is all over the place emotionally. He was done and sleeping with someone else who was amazing. Next day, he wants you to come over, spend the night, and never leave again. When you did leave he blocks you all over the place in a few hours after initially following through on plans to talk by phone. His interior landscape is a sandstorm and it's changing hour by hour. There isn't a solid set of facts for you to assess and evaluate how you want to orient yourself to.

I would urge you to wait and see what you want to do. Before you offer friends, or any other arrangement--give some time to see what happens and what you really want. If you or he want to end it, there will be profound loss. If you and he want to resume, there will be complex feelings on both sides about what just happened, and it will be hard to heal them if you two cannot talk easily about what happened. If he has BPD, shame and the desire to avoid feeling bad about himself may make that quite hard.

If you don't have a good therapist--I suggest finding one right away.

[Pipedreamer25]

So what's the goal? 

That is a really good question.  If it was up to me I would like to have him back and go back to the life we had but it really seems like he is serious this time (I know how that sounds) and I have to respect his decision.  I just really want him to be happy.  It sounds condescending but I just don't know if I can trust that this is decision that he wants.  I need it communicated more clearly and I'm just not getting that at the moment.  (In time I know that will be it's own form of communication).

Thanks for your response FHTH this waiting is just so painful especially since I can practically smell the bad news from here.  It just hurts and I'm new to this stage of the BPD relationship and I'm really lost.
 

[hope2727]

Wow I am so so sorry for your suffering. That is so cruel.

It is also almost exactly what happened to me. It is like we were involved with the same man. Mine needed space told me he would get his head straight while he was away working out of town that weekend. He told me how loved I was then went away for the weekend. He texted the next day saying he would never return. Then he blocked me everywhere. A short time later he wanted me back. I took him back and it was a revolving door of I love you I hate you for the next 2 years ish.

A word of warning warning he was also my best friend and after 2 more years of off and on agin he finally raged at me violently and took off with another woman. They now live together. I am not saying that will happen to you but it did to me so be careful of your heart. Start writing down a journal of everything to feel and everything that happens. It will help when you look back to keep your thought s as well as times and dates clear.

Keep writing here. This is a very supportive group and we really do understand what  you are experiencing.

Hugs

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for the online hugs Hope.

Things are pretty terrible right now.  A few days after he blocked me he called me in severe alcoholic withdrawals.  I picked him and drove him to the hospital where the nurses said he could get into detox.  We hugged and chatted until I left for work the next day.

The following day he called and advised that he couldn't get into detox because of the waitlist despite promises and there was nothing immediate to solve his problem.  I said that if he could abstain from drinking he could come back.  He said that he loved me and wanted to make this work.

We spent the next few days together, cuddling, reconnecting.  I raised my concerns and he seemed to share them.

Then I found that during his bender he had hit on my best friend ( a recovering sex addict) and I got really upset.  I had to go home for my brother's birthday in the country but said that we would need to work on this.  He was really upset and said that he felt he had destroyed my life beyond reapir.  He hugged me goodbye and I went to my family's.

We spoke over the phone and the internet all day the next day.  I told him we would need to make changes if we wanted it to work.  He agreed until the late afternoon when he told me that he needed to drink and would continue to drink until he died.

I called him and asked him just to wait until I got home so that we could talk but he had already shut down.  He demanded more money back and told me it was best if he just left my life.   Now I've seen a bunch of posts from him staying at some random girl's house.   I'm just back to where I was a week ago except worse. 

I'm so sad right now and feeling like an idiot.

[heartandwhole]

Oh pipedreamer25,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This behavior is so hurtful. Your feelings are so understandable and normal. I commend you for looking at things so rationally, despite your turbulent feelings.   

I am concerned about the damage this behavior is doing to your heart, and to your relationship going forward.In my relationship with pwBPD, it was just these kinds of sudden turnabouts that ripped my heart to shreds. It felt like I was on a wobbly, moving walkway in shoes too small and with 6 inch heels.

Is there a way you can shield yourself from this for a time? I mean, take a break to let both of you rebalance for a moment? He seems to be desperately trying to manage overwhelming and conflicting emotions (and probably lots of shame, too) AND attempting to get sober (if I read that right). That is a lot to take on.

As he is evidently not clear on what he wants, it may be a good idea for you to take awhile to get clear on what you want and need, away from the chaos, if possible. I know you are hoping things will go back to how they were; I think we've all been there. Naturally, you love him and want the best for him. That is wonderful. Please don't forget, however, to protect your loving heart as well.   

heartandwhole

[Jeff26]

My ex would also say "I'm not made for relationships."

Then of course, she has been dating my replament since a month or two after our break up. 

I reached out to her once and apologized for the blame I tossed around near the end, to which she responded "I don't blame anyone, I just always think if it's suppose to work it will."

When she said those things she is very "matter of fact" about it. It's like she has to convince herself of what she's saying by acting like a mature adult who is being reasonable.

Really though, mature adults don't stand you up on New Year's Eve and then 2 days later text you "we don't work" & "this isn't working for me".

Mature adults don't text you these things and then refuse to talk on the phone or meet face-to-face.

Mature adults who are reasonable don't tell people that they are not made for relationships and then jump right into another one so soon after.

She went from a self proclaimed "sad, cold, depressed little girl" who "wasn't made for relationships" >>>to>>> putting up a profile pic with the new guy and saying "I'm blessed."



I need to remind myself of theses things from time to time, it's difficult, but when I'm feeling like the crazy one who is still hung up over it... .I have to remember that I feel this way by design.

What I mean by that is, regardless of how she feels from second to second, I know that I am a coherent, reasonable, mature individual and I know what I felt and I know how wrong it felt to end the way it did. It still feels fake... .I often ask myself when thinking about everything "is this a joke."

Yes, it is a joke. But the joke is intended for no one and no one is laughing.

Her actions and the way she framed it were just a smoke screen from which she could dissappear.

And once she left, bam, it was %100 a vanishing act.

David copperfield would be impressed.


Sorry if that's too much sarcasm for one post haha, it's early and clearly I am in a feisty mood (a playful one I might add)