Trying to understand...

[pepelillo]

Hi,

Last year I had a very intense relationship with a girl I fell in love. I didn't know at that time, but now I have confimed she is BPD. I am OCPD so we made the perfect storm (me doubting and she pulling-pushing). Seriously, she was affectionate, compassionate, etc... .and so was a big support for me (perhaps I left too much out of me) but soon she started to fight over (for me) strange things that I did not understand. I treated her (and her son) like a queen and could not understand her reactions. Anyway, I have always been a patient person so I never fought or something, just tried to understand, support and rationalize things.

After four months she started to push me away and one day decided to leave me. Days before she told me that she did not know how to do it but she loved me and was going to do it. I was ok with the decission because I could not understand her behaviour and it was affecting my anxiety a lot (a characteristic of my personality traits). Interestingly, as the relationship ended, she felt less stressed (she said she could not have a relationship, she could not trust) and we became closer (you understand). Nevertheless, as time passed I could not be just friends with her so I asked for NC. We still shared some time togehter for work and other issues.

Laater, I also retreated from those shared times. For example, I could not bear seeing her on FB so I switched off my account until I felt better. Three months later I decided to come back and she blocked me (don't know why, could you please explain if she left me and was "free" would do this?). Well, fast forward, I met new people and a new girl. This was a weird story and I ended it. It was not healthy for me (this is what comes later).

Since a month ago, my ex and I were sharing a Whatsapp group and a couple of times she has thrown (without using names) some of my past history in the group (about that girl). I cannot understand her, why if she left me, pushed me to know other people and enjoy life and so on... .why is she doing this now?. Of course she does not love (nor I think she did, or this is what I feel now) me so I suppose this is her problem making things difficult and trying to bring attention (from me?).

Now I have a new girlfriend and she knows everything (about my problem and this story) and is ok with it so don't take me bad, this is not about love but about helping someone who is suffering as I am with my own OCPD (I know that bad feeling that you don't know where comes from). Now, there is a chance that such bad messages about me will happen again and even we will meet at a friends meeting and want to be prepared to react as good as possible in the sense of not causing harm and even "help" if possible.

What do you BPDs/nonBPDs think is the best way we, the non can do to "help" you feel better when you are "attacking" (my biggest respect on this, I am not an english speaked and dont know how to put that down in words) ?. When you are in a bad mood (which I expect could happen during the meeting), what do you expect people around you to do ?, and what do you think is best FOR YOU?. Currently I am just leaving things pass and do not enter to comment bad comments about me, but if there is something that can make a difference, I would be delighted to do it. My psycho tells me to just withdraw... .but as a personality disordered sufferer, I would prefer other to not withdraw from me... .

In a word... .I want to understand what lies behind this behaviour and if there is something I can do to ease it. Also, is it better to stay silent or I should respond somehow?. Some people says "just run", other say "put limits and leave things clear but with a lot of respect"... .Don't know... .what do you think would be better?

Bests

[Mutt]

Hi peplillo,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily.

I cannot understand her, why if she left me, pushed me to know other people and enjoy life and so on... .why is she doing this now?

I would confused too.  A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) want emotional intimacy but cannot sustain healthy emotional intimacy and when we become intimately close to a pwBPD it triggers the disorder. A pwBPD will push their partner away and the distance will trigger abandonment fears, fear of aloneness and the pwBPD will pull their partner closer. This push / pull can feel like crazy making behavior to the uninitiated.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

In a word... .I want to understand what lies behind this behaviour and if there is something I can do to ease it. Also, is it better to stay silent or I should respond somehow?

You're in an new r/s with new g/f and she knows your past history with your pwBPD. I'm guessing that you want to stay friends with your pwBPD? Your ex is triggered with abandonment anxiety, you could keep in minimal contact with her to assuage her anxiety? I guess that it depends on what you want? I understand that you want to try and help her get help, that's very commendable, but does she want to help herself?

[pepelillo]

Thanks flor your response,

No, I don't really want to be her friend as I don't consider it is possible. She seems to be creating conflict were it does not exist. Like I pursued my life, experimented and so on as she herself suggested, even in front of other people and now she is using one of those stories to attack me. So she seems to hate me... .I suppose no chance to be anything to her, even a friend.

But I am a compassionate person and I loved here very much and know how much she does suffer. Therefore, apart of understanding what is going on for her to throw all those things a year later of speaking the last time (one and a half year later of splitting), I want to know the best possible behaviour on my part if the event occurs again. The last two times, I have just avoided to do any comments but I have read that it is desirable to put limits... .I am not sure how to handle this. I would love to help her and this is what I told my girlfriend, that I won't give my back to someone needing my help if she does... .

So really, these BPD relationships seem to never come to a real end. And it is painful to see a person you loved and cared for to be in such a painful state.

Thanks again.

Hi peplillo,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily.

I cannot understand her, why if she left me, pushed me to know other people and enjoy life and so on... .why is she doing this now?

I would confused too.  A pwBPD ( person with BPD ) want emotional intimacy but cannot sustain healthy emotional intimacy and when we become intimately close to a pwBPD it triggers the disorder. A pwBPD will push their partner away and the distance will trigger abandonment fears, fear of aloneness and the pwBPD will pull their partner closer. This push / pull can feel like crazy making behavior to the uninitiated.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

In a word... .I want to understand what lies behind this behaviour and if there is something I can do to ease it. Also, is it better to stay silent or I should respond somehow?

You're in an new r/s with new g/f and she knows your past history with your pwBPD. I'm guessing that you want to stay friends with your pwBPD? Your ex is triggered with abandonment anxiety, you could keep in minimal contact with her to assuage her anxiety? I guess that it depends on what you want? I understand that you want to try and help her get help, that's very commendable, but does she want to help herself?

[Mutt]

But I am a compassionate person and I loved here very much and know how much she does suffer. Therefore, apart of understanding what is going on for her to throw all those things a year later of speaking the last time (one and a half year later of splitting), I want to know the best possible behaviour on my part if the event occurs again. The last two times, I have just avoided to do any comments but I have read that it is desirable to put limits... .I am not sure how to handle this. I would love to help her and this is what I told my girlfriend, that I won't give my back to someone needing my help if she does... .

I think that you'll fit right in here - many of us are compassionate. I can relate with not setting limits with people and I got hurt. If I think about it, I was assuming that others wouldn't hurt me and take advantage of me. One way you could look at is that it's over-generalizing. I think many people don't try to harm you but some people are mentally ill and are not diagnosed or going through therapy to learn skills to self sooth and manage their own emotional well being.

Boundaries are like an invisible outward layer that protect our morals and values, it's self compassion and self love. I don't know how you feel but at one point I thought that taking care of ourselves was selfish but self care is not selfish. When we don't take care of ourselves we can become resentful when we're giving our time to others and if we're not taking care of ourselves, unhealthy r/s's come our way. When we take if ourselves, it raises our self esteem, we're happier and in turn loved ones may catch on and do the same thing, take care of themselves and they're generally happier and that's partly because we're looking after ourselves.
 
Again, I don't know how you feel but it wasn't something that was easy to change. Some of us also had next to no boundaries or floating boundaries, boundaries are malleable and they're not meant to be rigid but with a pwBPD we need to set very firm boundaries. That said, boundaries are about self care and not accepting bad behaviors from people that may or may not know that they're behaviors are dysfunctional. I'll leave you with a couple of articles that will get you started, one on boundaries and the other one on healthy characteristics in r/s's.

Setting Boundaries and Setting limits

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

PS Here's a discussion on unhealthy r/s characteristics  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298373.0

[pepelillo]

But I am a compassionate person and I loved here very much and know how much she does suffer. Therefore, apart of understanding what is going on for her to throw all those things a year later of speaking the last time (one and a half year later of splitting), I want to know the best possible behaviour on my part if the event occurs again. The last two times, I have just avoided to do any comments but I have read that it is desirable to put limits... .I am not sure how to handle this. I would love to help her and this is what I told my girlfriend, that I won't give my back to someone needing my help if she does... .

I think that you'll fit right in here - many of us are compassionate. I can relate with not setting limits with people and I got hurt. If I think about it, I was assuming that others wouldn't hurt me and take advantage of me. One way you could look at is that it's over-generalizing. I think many people don't try to harm you but some people are mentally ill and are not diagnosed or going through therapy to learn skills to self sooth and manage their own emotional well being.

Boundaries are like an invisible outward layer that protect our morals and values, it's self compassion and self love. I don't know how you feel but at one point I thought that taking care of ourselves was selfish but self care is not selfish. When we don't take care of ourselves we can become resentful when we're giving our time to others and if we're not taking care of ourselves, unhealthy r/s's come our way. When we take if ourselves, it raises our self esteem, we're happier and in turn loved ones may catch on and do the same thing, take care of themselves and they're generally happier and that's partly because we're looking after ourselves.
 
Again, I don't know how you feel but it wasn't something that was easy to change. Some of us also had next to no boundaries or floating boundaries, boundaries are malleable and they're not meant to be rigid but with a pwBPD we need to set very firm boundaries. That said, boundaries are about self care and not accepting bad behaviors from people that may or may not know that they're behaviors are dysfunctional. I'll leave you with a couple of articles that will get you started, one on boundaries and the other one on healthy characteristics in r/s's.

Setting Boundaries and Setting limits

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

PS Here's a discussion on unhealthy r/s characteristics  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298373.0

Thanks a lot Mutt and sorry for the delay (I have been out for a while),

Well, I think you are correct with our lack of boundaries and our tendency to adapt them to our partner needs. I have made a hard work on this with my therapist help. Nevertheless, many times I still don't know how to behave effectively.

For example with this girl, who is the only one pushing my boundaries currently. We broke up (her decission) more than a year ago. Now a meeting with our big class group of friends is approaching and we share a group on whatsapp. Yesterday she did it ago, she has brought one of my ex-partners for the second time in a group of 40 people. This ex-partner and me met more than six months after we split and she is now complaining about it in the group!. In fact, yesterday many people were joking in the group about moral things and I said I never do this. She responded, out f the blue with a sounding "that's a lie"... .I did not responded, just continued talking to other people and said "I don't do immoral" things again and received similar responses... .She is using the fact that this other girl was married (divorcing as she told me) during that time and with children... Anyway, details are not important as both she and me are old enough to take care of our lifes and actions. The thing is... .How should I respond?, just stay out of the conversation?, or is there a good (for her and me) way of saying stop in these cases?. Next Saturday we will be meeting and don't want to create an unpleasant situation if I don't know how to manage her rage... .I have read about validation but it also say to not allow to be abused... .Well, the question is HOW?, HOW to do this?. I cannot find examples of conversations like this one. I have found a lot of examples on validation but not on stoping attacks from BPD effectively.

Once again,

Thanks a lot

[Mutt]

Hi pepelillo,

have read about validation but it also say to not allow to be abused... .Well, the question is HOW?, HOW to do this?.

That's a good question. I'll answer your question about how you should respond with validation in mind. Don't validate the invalid.

Now a meeting with our big class group of friends is approaching and we share a group on whatsapp. Yesterday she did it ago, she has brought one of my ex-partners for the second time in a group of 40 people. This ex-partner and me met more than six months after we split and she is now complaining about it in the group!.

What's the goal for the group? She's trying to embarrass and shame you in front of mutual friends. Don't validate the invalid Sometimes it can be difficult to find something to validate but you don't want to validate inappropriate behavior.

You have the option of not joining your group this week if you find it uncomfortable. She's embarrassing herself in front of your friends if you think about it and keep in mind that there are two sides to a story. You don't want to be triangulated, it's her, the group and you and she's looking for rescue from the group and casting you as persecutor, I would advise to stay in middle don't side with her or your friends. You don't need to JADE ( justify, attack, defend, explain ) your actions in front of her or your friends, but if someone approaches you that is a good friend that loves you unconditionally and is supportive, it's Ok to fill them in?

I advise to not participate in her drama and don't give her unwarranted attention, she wants attention and the less attention that you give her, the faster that she'll shift her attention to something else. I hope that helps.