My dad and sister have Emotional Incest and it is causing me pain

[olliesun]

My Dad and sister are involved with each other and it is getting unbearable as my Dad has been in Assisted Living for a year and now it is time to sell the house. I have never gone to my Dad for support because if I was seen getting any attention from my Dad my sister would make my life unbearable. She makes up things about me to my Dad and he listens to her. My brother and I are trying to sell the house and my sister-who is a hoarder- is making my Dad angry at us and pointing out every negative thing about us. My sister is 9 years older and my brother is 5 years older and my Mom died 20 years ago. This has been happening my entire life not just since my Mom died. My sister used to try and come between my Mom and Dad too. My Dad is selfish and my sister is doing/saying whatever he wants not what is good for him or what he needs. She has said that she will do whatever ":)addy " wants because he has always stood up for her. I can't stand my sister! I need to know how to let them go.

[Mutt]

Hi olliesun,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I would feel frustrated too if a family member was going to another family member and only pointing out the bad stuff. It's not realistic because we are made of both good and bad qualities, a bad person has good qualities and a good person has bad qualities. I can relate with that and you'll find many other members that can relate with you too.

I need to know how to let them go.

I think that a good starting point is to understand what the underlying dynamic is, it's called a karpman triangle, you're sister wants rescue and casts you as the persecutor and your dad rescues your sister. It takes time to identify the pattern, it helps to read about it and you'll become proficient at picking it up with your family and in other situations in your life.

The best way to end the drama is to not take sides with your sister or your dad and to stay in the middle because when we take a side it polarizes the situation and keeps the drama going.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[olliesun]

Thanks for the welcome. I had never heard of the Karpman Triangle and find it very interesting and can relate to it.
I have had boundaries up before with my Dad and sister but unfortunately I felt that they had to come down to help my brother with the house. They will soon be going up and I will be using the Karpman Triangle to help me.
Thanks again.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey olliesun:   

I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you.  Mutt gave you some great advice.

I'm sorry about your family situation.  You mention your sister is a hoarder.  Does you sister live at your dad's home?

Is someone acting with a financial power of attorney (POA) for your dad, or is your dad signing all documents and acting solely on his own accord for the sale of the house and other personal buisness?  It there any chance that all 3 siblings can meet with your father at the same time and discuss your dad's finances, home sale and anything else at issue.  If someone isn't local, you could always use a video device to include them.

Dealing with issues for an elderly parent can be stressful and bring conflict into even normal families.  With personality disorders, the conflict can really step up several notches.

The wheels really fell off the bus with my uBPD sister when my parents health began to fail and they both passed within 6 months of each other.  I guess I escaped my sister's wrath, as we never had to really work on something as a team before.  At a time when one would hope to get closer to a sibling, my sister's behavior seemed to indicate that she absolutely hated me.  I was definitely painted black, but it took me going to therapy to gain an understanding of what was going on.  As is typical, the uBPD doesn't think anything is wrong with them, so no therapy for my sister.  In hindsight, I think it would have been best for me to insist that both my sister and I go to family therapy together, after our first episode of no contact (NC). 

[olliesun]

Thanks Naughty Nibbler!
My sister has her own place but lived at my Dad's house under the guise that she was 'taking care of him'.
Her place is completely full so half of the stuff in my Dad's house was her garbage. The family has all been together for other meetings(care conferences at Asst. Living) and let's just say we all got out of there alive. My sister-in-law was at my sisters neck. My sister had done something to her leg so she was bleeding all over. She has done this before other gatherings so that the attention is on her. My brother and I are afraid what will happen to her when my Dad dies. He has been her whole world. I am hoping to have her out of my life before that happens.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Olliesun:  

I sat in some health care meetings with my sister, regarding our mom.  She walked out angry from one meeting.  In her eyes, the head nurse was stupid, then my sister didn't like a palliative doctor we spoke to.  After I learned about SPLITTING, I could see that my sister had a tendency to either like someone involved with our mom's care or hate them.  

Does your sister have any friends to lean on for support or advice?  It could be helpful for her to start some therapy before your dad passes.  Has she ever been to therapy or medicated for a mental illness (or diagnosed)?  :)o you see any signs of mental illness with any relatives on your mom's or dad's side of the family?

There is a lot of good information links to the upper right of this post.  You might want to check some of them out.  Learning and using some specific communication techniques might be helpful in the days ahead.  You can't change your sister, but altering the way you interact and react to her could make things easier for both you and your brother.  Selling a home and preparing it for sale, can be a stressful event.  Getting your sister to remove her items, could bring on some challenges.

Here are some links to check out:
VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

COMMUNICATIONS

JADE - STOP CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS