I have a lot of self hatred...

[Cleanglass]

I think there are so many reasons why we find it hard to move past our exes. Blaming them doesn't make me feel better.

We have a lot of self-hatred in ourselves and when we meet our exes and they tell how perfect we are, why would we walk away from that?

It's no secret they project onto us their own feelings. Mine use to call me a control freak but I don't feel wanting them to get help makes me controlling - it does however make me deflective.

I think we've all said or done things we regret, things we would never usually have done if our exes didn't bring it out in us -but ultimately that side was always in us and we surpressed it.

I shared a room with my brother as a kid, right up through teenagers. We had one physical fight.

In the last 3 months of my relationship I had 3 fights. I also punched back. It doesn't seem like a me thing but there was no one else controlling my arms.

It made me realise that I regret some of things I've said and done to my ex, despite what he can't own up to, and that I really want to figure these things out through clearing my negative thoughts.

There are some hypnosis sessions on youtube that you can do in small sessions or some you can sleep to. I've found a lot of success in these.

I spoke to a CBT trained professional about hypnosis and she said it's useful for temporary relief and can be really effective with CBT, but won't fix things on it's own. So whilst we're all on a waiting list, perhaps if you're having a hard time atm then use these hypnosis sessions to relieve tension and negativity and use that time to work out why there is so much negativity in you.

I myself compare myself to others far too much and don't value what I have. I also allow people to put me down too much to give themselves a confidence boost.

[myself]

I regret many of the hours spent trying to find and keep the peace with someone who felt so compelled to continue her own losing battles, when I could have been spending that time with my kids, making music, being outside in the sunshine... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Cleanglass,

I can understand your feelings of regret. It's human and part of working through the grief of loss. I hope you are being gentle with yourself about all your feelings.

I myself compare myself to others far too much and don't value what I have. I also allow people to put me down too much to give themselves a confidence boost.

How do you think you can change the above? I can relate. I find it can hurt to compare myself to others, and try to cultivate a feeling of gratitude as often as I can. Allowing people to put you down might require stronger boundaries, which goes back to valuing yourself.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Cleanglass]

I value that I'm not an overly argumentative person as I don't enjoy it. I can simply state facts about myself or better yet, walking away with my head held high is a clear message that it doesn't effect me when people put me down.

Confidence I think is the key to me being a healthier minded person.

As far as being kind to myself: I've been moody recently thinking that I have to change all this stuff for myself... .and then I realised I was still catering to other people! So I've been writing a journal for the last month and instead of banging on about the ex, I'm going to try and focus on the things I really want from life (see the world, get a children's book published etc) and strive towards these things. Make logical goals etc.

I've been feeling really excited about things since realising I don't have to change everything I am just because my ex didn't value it. In fact my ex has taught me the lengths people will go to make themselves feel better.

[Cleanglass]

I regret many of the hours spent trying to find and keep the peace with someone who felt so compelled to continue her own losing battles, when I could have been spending that time with my kids, making music, being outside in the sunshine... .

The great thing about these regrets is you still have a chance to do all those things now!

[heartandwhole]

I've been feeling really excited about things since realising I don't have to change everything I am just because my ex didn't value it.

Right on! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cleanglass, I think it's normal to experience self-loathing in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, because those w/BPD are so skilled at manipulation that they make us Nons feel like we are the problem.  Not so -- it's all projection because if they allowed themselves to accept responsibility for their own shortcomings, it would be unbearable.  On the other hand, if they can shift the responsibility to the Non, that's much easier to live with.  The key, in my view, is learning to love and accept yourself just the way you are, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard in the wake of the BPD tsunami.

LuckyJim