Darling I miss you a note on grief

[hope2727]

Darling I miss you,

I know you have moved on. I know you have vilified me. I know you do not want to hear from me. But darling I miss you.

Today I buried D. I sat with C and DL and their family. We sobbed as we remembered our beloved D. The slide show of his life was so beautiful. D and C were high school sweet hearts. They have been married 17 years. It was their anniversary 2 weeks ago. Little DL is only 9. His dad is gone forever. The tumour just consumed him. A year diagnosis to death. Given 3 months 14 days ago... .he lived 10. I miss him already.

I sat in the hospital with him as he struggled to breathe, to smile, to cough, to squeeze our hands, to mouth the words 'I love you'. I cried into his hospital gown and left mascara marks all over him. I played guitar for him for hours. I told him I loved him and that C and DL would be ok. That I would be there with them all the way. I was honoured to share their journey.

Yet through all of this darling I missed you. I wanted to reach out to you. I wanted to tell you how loved you really are. I wanted to say just come home now and we will find a way to make everything alright. I wanted to tell you my love for you is unconditional. I wanted to tell you to come comfort me in this horrible time the way I tried to comfort you when your father died. I wanted to reach out and wrap myself in your arms and sob into your chest until the pain drained away. But mostly I wanted to tell you that despite everything that has transpired you are so, so very missed.

So yes darling I miss you. I love you. I dream of you and feel you in every fibre of my being. I simply can't unlove you.

I will continue my journey with the amazing people in my life. I will put one foot in front of the other. I will pull myself up and continue but wherever you are darling I miss you.





Thank you to anyone who reads this and understands. I loved my friend Dean as much as anyone can love a friend. His wife and son are my family as much or more than my own in some ways.  I love my exfiancee wBPD as much as anyone can love a partner. I miss him still, I love him still, I would give anything for him to comprehend that but he can't so perhaps writing it out here will take some of the hurt out of it. Thank you for providing me a safe place to air these thoughts and feelings.

[Should I stay or...]

I simply can't unlove you.

I love this sentence, it's how I feel for her too... .It will be a year this weekend, and I would have rather been a loser with her than a winner with someone else.

[heartandwhole]

hope2727,

I'm very sorry for your loss.   Your feelings are so understandable, so human and real. I know there is nothing anyone can say to take away the pain, but know that you have been heard and there are people in this world (virtually) standing by your side as you grieve, silently taking your hand.

heartandwhole 

[hope2727]

Thank you for your notes of support. They are very kind.

It is a major blow to lose someone I hold so dear. He has been a true friend. I am glad he is no longer suffering. I actually went to text him today and then remembered he is gone.Such a weird feeling. But life will go on.

Thank you again.

[hope2727]

So to top it off my father died Tuesday. I received a text message from one of my sister texted to tell me died. Funeral is today.

 I really do miss my ex. HE wasn't perfect but neither am I. I just wish I had known more before it all hit the fan. I suppose it still wouldn't have been sustainable but at least I could have made a proper effort. Oh well.

So I guess its just keep on keeping on.

I wish I could tell my ex how loved he is. It hard to love people who just don't get it.

[lovenature]

I am so sorry to hear about your losses hope.

I lost my mom around the time my relationship with my uBPDexgf started into the devaluation stage.

You sound like a strong, courageous person; admirable qualities you can be proud of!

[hope2727]

Lovenature,

Thank you. I am sorry for your losses too. I am ok with losing my father. I am glad he died peacefully. He was extremely narcissistic and I had very little closeness with him. I am sorry he suffered and was often unhappy. I am relieved his death was quick and peaceful.

I just miss my pwBPD so keenly and these events really set me back when the aching has just started to subside. So somehow waiting about it lets me release a little of the longing.

I hope you (and everyone else) is doing well and I am grateful to you all.

[hope2727]

And for the record... .


Darling, I still miss you. You are so loved my dear. I hope in some tiny way you feel that despite our distance. Be at peace.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

What a beautifully written memento. I just finished saying that I am 2 yrs out of my r/s & doing fairly well, but reading entries like this pulls on my heart strings.  Not in a bad way, but in the sense that the love I had for her was so genuine. You see, it isn't that I miss her... .I miss who I thought she was. I miss how I perceived her due to her mirroring & moments of kindness.  It's the genuine, unconditional, shattered love that I had for her that still stings. It's the fact that I gave every part of me and in the end its like it amounted to nothing. That's the part that has yet to heal for me. The break up & the aftermath... .the push & pull games that ensued blew my world apart.

But your words moved me, b/c despite it all in some ways, I will always have love for her.  You made me feel understood. I thank u for that♡

[hope2727]

I am glad you felt understood. I know what you mean about missing who you thought they were. i still mis him almost every day. I just know he doesn't really exist now.