The many and bloody recycles

[La Carotte]

I joined here a year ago, determined to end it forever. Since then I've not really posted, mainly through embarrassment at the many and bloody recycles. We have both tried and we've both not tried, and I think we're finally both at the end of the line... No point in going over it all, you've all been there and know how it's been.
There's thoughts  I keep having though which keep me going back for more, even though I know in reality I need to stay away.
What if I never feel the way I did about her again? I'm in my late forties, and have had two ten year relationships to people I loved as well as other shorter ones before I met her. But I've spent my entire life feeling lonely, even within relationships. And with her, for the first time in my adult life, I didn't. I don't. Even now, when we're together, even though it's usually horrible or I'm having to bite my tongue to keep the peace, it feels like that's the right place for me to be, I'm not lonely and I don't want to be anywhere else.  The honest truth is that I'd rather be fighting with her than not in contact with her, because if I'm fighting with her, I'm able to avoid the feeling of isolation.
I have a job I enjoy, as much of a social life as I want, many friends, including two who have been in similar relationships in the past so are happy to listen and not judge. But I can't help believing that if it took me 45 years to find someone with whom I didn't feel lonely, the chances if that happening again are pretty slim- and that terrifies me and keeps me clinging to someone who I know it's very damaging to all aspects of my life to be around.
If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions of how to move past these limiting thoughts, I'd be very grateful.

[VitaminC]

Hi La Carotte,

The honest truth is that I'd rather be fighting with her than not in contact with her, because if I'm fighting with her, I'm able to avoid the feeling of isolation.
I have a job I enjoy, as much of a social life as I want, many friends, including two who have been in similar relationships in the past so are happy to listen and not judge.

There is a deeper need in you that is being met through this relationship. Your work, your social life, and what sound like nourishing friendships do not meet this.

There is something different about a relationship, isn't there? It was pointed out to me a couple of months ago, here on this site, that a relationship should (or certainly could) be a bigger version of a friendship. The same foundations should be present in both. I know this is true, and I also know that the whole time I was with my exBPD I never had the sense of ease or trust with him that I do with my friends.

But that was a much more significant relationship than any of my friendships. Not in my head, but in me.

I worked out that it felt more familiar to feel anxious and excluded from someone's inner life than the opposite - which is what I have in my friendships.  I got pretty upset when I realised that.   I kept going back for more of what hurt me mainly because it felt familiar and I felt more fulfilled struggling than just being easy and trusting and trusted.

I didn't think of it in terms of loneliness.  But maybe that's one word that could be used.

Can you describe what exactly you mean by it? What does it feel like to you to feel lonely or isolated?

[Naughty Nibbler]

La Carotte   

The honest truth is that I'd rather be fighting with her than not in contact with her, because if I'm fighting with her, I'm able to avoid the feeling of isolation.

 But I can't help believing that if it took me 45 years to find someone with whom I didn't feel lonely, the chances of that happening again are pretty slim- and that terrifies me and keeps me clinging to someone who I know it's very damaging to all aspects of my life to be around.

Seems like some good things to explore in therapy with a professional.  Have you ever tried that?

VitaminC brings up some good points.  I started to post this, before I saw her reply.  I'm, perhaps, asking the same questions, but though I'd post anyway.

Looking back at relationships that you felt lonely in, how long did the lonely relationships last?  Can you define what made you feel lonely in them?  Was there a lack of emotional intimacy?  Did you feel like you couldn't show your true self?

Can you define what about the relationship with your ex that made you not feel lonely?  Was there some dependency on the part of your ex that made you feel needed?  Did you feel more comfortable letting your guard down and displaying flaws?

[La Carotte]

I think that's a very true thing about a relationship being a bigger version of a friendship. And I haven't felt the same level of trust with ex as I do with friends for such a long time. Or that ex cares about my well eing as much as they do.
In my two significant other relationships I trusted them and knew they wanted the best for me, they were good friends as well as partners. But I always felt there was something missing, a certain connection, that they didn't really know me, I kept some of me apart. And that felt different with ex, like there was nothing missing, that even though from the outset it was a much more difficult relationship, I'd finally found what I was looking for and I knew this would be the relarionship to see me out, I'd never felt that before. And I didn't keep anything back.
And so now I don't have it, and in fact I haven't really had it for a year, I feel as though I'm lacking meaningful connection. My friends are good frinds but they all have some one who is their partner and who is therefore more important to them. The honest thing I suppose is that I want to be the most important person in the life of someone I consider to be the most important person. I've never had that really - I was never as bothered about my other partners as they were about me, and I was with ex. We were both each other's most important. And now I haven't got it I feel anxious in my stomach, I'm lethargic and obsessing most of the time and completely unable to move away from those states. Actually that isn't true. I don't want to. Because if I give up on the thinking and obsessing and trying to come up with ways of making it ok I'll have to admit it really is over. And then I'm totally on my own. That's a terrifying thought

I hope this makes sense, it's a bit rambly I think, sorry

[La Carotte]

Naughty Nibbler- your reply came while I was writing. I think I've answered some questions. Both relationships lasted 10 years, and I cared about them but always thought, Is this it? Whereas with ex I thought, This is it.
You are completely right that a degree of dependency on her part made me feel needed. Also, she clearly thought I was gorgeous and that made me feel gorgeous. Which was a new feeling for me. (Although my other partners tried too, but I didn't see it when they said it, with her I did )
I opened up entirely to her- foolish me as it turns out as boy, has she been fantastic at turning everything against me... .
I was seeing a therapist and she disappeared. I am hesitant about someone else as, like my partners, I've tried several and never felt I connected with them, it took me a long time to find her.

[JQ]

Hi FIT,

There's no need to have ever felt or now feel embarrassment ... .you know we don't judge here because we've been where you are, we've experienced what you have and we know the turmoil, chaos, pain, & confusion you have gone through.

You've read my post from time to time I'm sure & you no doubt have seen the one, "It's not about your pwBPD, it HAS been & will ALWAYS be about you!".  You've also read many other post here along with the website references too. I'm sure that in the year that you've been on the boards you've sought out the sage guidance of a good therapist too because as you've read it's one of a few important key's to getting through this right?

With that ... .you said, "But I've spent my entire life feeling lonely, even within relationships."  You need to do a deep dive on this my friend to see why that is. I would imagine that it has something to do with an absent parent or another family dynamic that you've never spoken of. I'm not your therapist & I'm only speculating here ... .you asked.

We all know from our readings, education & therapy that pwBPD are great at mirroring people.  Many people diagnosed with BPD are impressionable and will follow the lead of another to fit in and to ensure that they are not rejected and will portray themselves to be like the people they want to be liked/loved by.

Ever had a friend who copied you? It’s flattering for the person being mirrored and usually it’s just minor copying sometime subtle. But when a person diagnosed with BPD mirrors they mirror everything, music taste to the way you speak and laugh, your mannerisms become theirs. When you are around them it is like you are looking in a mirror at yourself.

Using this information one could say that you do NOT love yourself. You find yourself alone & you do not like it. So when you're with someone who has BPD, they mimic you, you exhibit behaviors that you enjoy being with this person, you enjoy their company, their friendship, you enjoy touching them, you enjoy all of this so as not to be alone. The pwBPD mimics these behaviors because they do not want to be rejected so they give you everything you are wanting from yourself ... .love of oneself, liking oneself, enjoying being the person you are.

As Vitamin C points out, it is possible that you're trying to put a "band aid" on your loneness by immersing yourself in your work. You find a sense of self through your work or through those you work with. Maybe you find happiness in their success if you have even a small part in it? Even you said a "as much of a social life as I want". So does this mean you limit your social life then to some degree?  This isn't addressing the real issue here is it? As Vitamin C says, "There is a deeper need in you" and this deeper need isn't being met ... .maybe to some degree for some period of time with your BPD, but nothing that is REALLY fulfilling and meaningful to your soul.

This is where a professional Therapist could help you I believe sort out your feelings, your thoughts & emotions. There is certainly something in your past, perhaps as far back as your childhood as to why even in a relationship you feel alone. I learned that even though I had a "r/s" with my father he was absent for most of my childhood events & as you describe I felt alone. Like you even in my r/s I felt alone ... .until I met my first exBPDgf. She gave me what I was missing, love & attention, friendship if even for short periods of time until the crazy train would fall off the tracks.  2 wives who were NOT BPD did not fulfill those needs, but they were certainly safe without the drama, chaos but lacked the attention that the r/s required. My 2nd exBPDgf was pretty much the same as the 1st one. She gave me the "love & attention" I was so desperately needing, wanting but didn't have in my previous marriage because it was "safe".

And like you, I felt for at least awhile that I wanted the recycle, drama, chaos, the rages, etc. because at least I wasn't alone ... .at least for a short while. But the fighting, chaos & drama doesn't fix the loneness that is within you. The truth of the matter FIT is that a pwBPD will NEVER fill the void we NONs feel deep within ourselves. It is a temporary fix for a long term issue, it's like an alcoholic that needs that drink to temporary dull their senses. Once it wears off they're not better off then before the drink.

You said, "that terrifies me and keeps me clinging to someone who I know it's very damaging to all aspects of my life" if I'm fighting with her, I'm able to avoid the feeling of isolation.  You have to look in the mirror & be honest with yourself.

You have to be happy with YOU!  With the help of that good therapist do the deep dive on yourself FIT to really find YOU! Learn what happen & why you feel the way you do. You probably won't like what you find, it'll be ugly & hurt you. But I truly believe this is one of the keys to stopping the endless recycle with your BPD! You've heard me say it time & time again & this is a perfect example of, "IT HAS & WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT YOU!" 

Take a deep breath & relax ... .things will get better ... .you have to learn to be proactive & NOT reactive.

J

[La Carotte]

Thanks JQ
The way you describe your relationships, both non and BPD, resonate so much with me.
All things always come back to my mum, my relationship with her while she was alive and her dying when I was 25. I do know that's what it's all about really. It's all just so big and horrible to think about. And I've failed on numerous occasions to connect with therapists and then the one I do, disappears. But I do know it's the answer.
Thank you

[JQ]

FIT,

You're 1/2 way there ... ."there" being the place that holds the answers that you seek. Like you my father died when I was 26. Knowing that it all comes back to your mum is part of the key to solving the puzzle. I know it SEEMS it all so big & horrible to think about ... .I was there along with others in the group. As I said, it'll be ugly, it'll be painful and you probably won't like what you find in that place. But it's so important that you go there to get the answers you owe yourself & that you more importantly deserve.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with finding a good therapist ... .but don't give up. Stay strong and keep pushing yourself. This is for YOU & no one else. YOU deserve to be happy & you know the only way to get there is to continue you quest ... .not unlike that of a "Knight".

If you give up, even temporarily then YOU delay YOUR happiness, You delay YOUR peace, YOU delay YOUR laughter, YOU delay finding YOURSELF! YOU delay living YOUR life!

So what can we do to help you find your way back down that path FIT?  The group is here     here dusting you off, straighten you up ... .YOU got this!  WE got your back! 

Remember ... .YOU have to be proactive ... .NOT reactive!

J

[Herodias]

I remember my ex telling me that he wished he could just be alone. He cannot. He has to have someone with him, the he pushes them away.  He told me I was his everything and then he moved on to someone else and probably told her the same thing. I was someones everything and now I am not. It kept me from focusing on me. Now that I am focusing on me, I am bored. I am trying to figure out who I am exactly. I can tell myself to take care of me, just like I would tell anyone else. Do I do what I need to? No. I am getting there. I miss taking care of someone else. It is what makes me happy. Not only am I out of my marriage, I have let all of my bad friendships go. Leaving me with a small group of new friends I don't know very well. On one hand this is very healthy for me. On the other hand it is very, very lonely. I handle it most of the time. I can find plenty to do. I don't like not having someone to do things with. It makes me question the decisions  I made my whole life. I know I cannot be with my ex as he got more and more dangerous. He will repeat this with the new person, I am certain. He has a baby now and told me that if we had had ours, we would still be together. I disagree. He is trying to feel better about himself through a child and that will not work. It is the same for us. We have to be happy with ourselves., not happy because we are with someone else. I know what you mean about getting older and being alone. I am 51. I also know what you mean about not having a satisfying relationship in the past. I had one, I wanted to marry in my 20's, but he did not feel the same. The guy in between was a loveless relationship. I felt sorry for him and stayed too long. I think that is why I fell so hard for my ex-husband. The mirroring and fake romance.  I know I will not have that again, but I do not want that exactly anymore. I can see waiting for some one I feel strongly for in a healthy way. I do not want to be with someone just because there is no one else. I do believe if we are ready and open to it and healthy ourselves, someone can appear out of nowhere and you don't even have to try hard. I have read to wait a year to two years out of these situations to be healthy and in a better state of mind before even trying again. I feel very lonely at times being by myself, but it is better than being used and abused. I hope you can settle these things in your mind. You can figure out why you are the way you are in therapy, but all it leads back to is what are you doing for yourself now? Not in a selfish way, but maybe since we are such empaths, we need to be selfish for once. Don't settle, but don't look for perfect. Look for trustworthiness as you said your friends have. I was with a pathological liar for so long that I look forward to finding someone I can trust. It's pretty simple really. You just have to keep doing the right things and the right things will come your way... .Believe in your own morals and values and don't try and make someone abide by them. They either do or they don't. If they don't and they don't change, they don't need to be a part of your life. It is really the healthiest way to live. Sometimes our values change... .we get older and realize we want more for ourselves. That's ok too. Life is really hard... .all this learning and stuff,   I just want it to be better. I am so tired of making huge mistakes. It is helping me to write the story of my ex and I. I have realized why I got into the relationship and how he totally was not who I should have been with at all. I can't change it. Only learn to not ever do it again. It is kind of scary. I may have stayed and been really really miserable or dead... .Lucky for me, he didn't give me that choice. I have a chance at a much better life. I don't know why we have so much trouble seeing the good parts of ourselves like other people do and tell us that we are. We seem to see flaws like our exes do to themselves as well, but we do not do the things they do. Fortunately!  We need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and do better.  All of the things we are telling them to do to make their lives better and they don't  listen... .are we really the same?  Water seeks it's own level I have heard. If we cannot be our own best friend and give ourself advice and listen to our family or friends we can trust... .then we are no different than them. How can we expect them to change when we don't change ourselves... .?  I hope some of this helps... .Just some things to think about as I have been. Hope things get better.

[elfyguy]

Hi La Carotte,

After the end of the relationship with my ex, I experienced such emotional pain. I had to look at myself and had a lot of therapy. I too fear loneliness, however, even though I've always classified myself as an introvert and spent a lot of my time in isolation, I haven't spent time alone. I'll explain. I've been going on Buddhist retreats and just read Solitude and Loneliness: A modern Buddhist view, among other things. I've found that we all fear loneliness but the majority of people don't experience it. Whenever I was by myself, I would play a game, watch a movie, read a book, think about stuff, think obsessively, etc, etc. While we do this, even though we are by ourselves, we aren't experiencing being alone. It would be like going on a roller-coaster and closing off all your senses. So, I've actually been experiencing being by myself as much as possible. It's not as bad as it sounds.

In order for me to get to this stage I needed tons of therapy and emotional suffering to look deeper into myself. On the Buddhist retreat I noticed many people were looking at meditation, and the like, as therapy. It's not entirely so.

It sounds like you have a co-dependent relationship and she's fulfilling a need you desire. I desired to be recognised and the centre of the universe from my ex. She desired safety from her abandonment issues. Neither works out. Try to figure out, perhaps with therapy, what exactly is the thing you are missing from her and try get to a point where you can somewhat live without her. Then I would suggest, perhaps with some kind of Buddhist retreat, to experience meditation, and truly, for once, be by yourself.

[La Carotte]

Herodias, elfyguy,
Thank you both too for sharing your stories, there are elements of both that resonate with me.
Thank you to all of you - it's very validating to me to hear of others experiencing similar things, I find it reassuring, although obviously I am sorry you've all experienced such things.
Elfyguy - on Buddhist retreat... .Yesterday I was on my way to spend the weekend  at a Buddhist monastery, a kind of mini retreat. But I had to turn round and come home due to there being a terrible road accident, traffic jams, road closures... .And so I was home last night when I shouldn't have been... And for the first time in a month my ex came to see me. And was very pleasant. If I'd been on the retreat I would have missed this little complication... .
Right, I'm going to be proactive and not reactive.
Thank you for the support guys, you've helped me feel more positive again about things.

[earlgrey]

we all have our own stories, but a common thread that i read often here (and it applies to me) is our SO is a pwBPD, and while there is abuse and bad stuff going on, there is also a feeling of connection that we have not experienced in other 'healthier' r/s. This is something that is very powerful and difficult to ignore.

As said earlier this has much to do with the mirroring of the pwBPD, which will have certain results on the r/s, and make us feel good.

But I think there is a BIG amount of action from our sides too. We are not just a victim of a situation beyond our control. I believe we have 'found' something in this person... .we have this attraction that is at odds with the reality of the r/s... .and it clouds our (mine certainly) judgement even further.

I really want to try to understand this, so that when I am next confronted with a choice as to a future romantic partner I do a better job. My problem is I have always run away from potential romantic partners (some kind of fear)... .the only one I didn't run away from turns out to be a pwBPD. WHY?

I am looking for clues about my behaviour because it (my behaviour) makes achieving a reciprocal loving relationship impossible - so far. I think it has something to do with how we understand a loving, secure attachment r/s to work. We were taught this very young with our mums/caretaker. If our mum/C was a good teacher then I reckon we are probaly Ok. If we got bad or NO info then things are trickier, we have no useful model to work with.

I am not certain that these 'wonderful' relationships that can so often end up in abuse are just coincidence. It seems to be a recurrent theme. BPD is often implied, and my feeling today is that it has plenty to do with my choice of partner, and I believe I chose a partner that felt familiar... .warts and all. I chose my primary caretaker beacuse I recognised familiar traits. What i didn't have was the emotional tools to really select a compatible partner, so I 'chose' familiar.

My two pence and I'm working on it.

[La Carotte]

Yes earlgrey, I agree with what you say. I think that although I didn't run away from previous partners physically, I did emotionally. I think part of that for me was also because I'm quite a perfectionist and as those relationships didn't tick every single box I'd listed for myself, I isn't think they were good enough so I rejected them emotionally. Ironic that one of the things I've learned through this relarionship is how to accept less than perfect... .!

The tricky bit now is developing the tools to select and maintain a relationship that isn't perfect but not absuive either.

For now though I need to develop an ability to be by myself and get to know myself and my whys. I wouldn't inflict me on anyone at the moment, even if I had the slightest bit of interest in being with someone else, which I cannot imagine.

[earlgrey]

I think part of that for me was also because I'm quite a perfectionist and as those relationships didn't tick every single box I'd listed for myself, I isn't think they were good enough so I rejected them emotionally. Ironic that one of the things I've learned through this relarionship is how to accept less than perfect... .!

... .and I thought it was just me, I approached r/s the same way. I remember a line in sex and the city when Carrie said "we were the best couple in the place". I used to examine my r/s like that... .I'd find fault, and doubt the whole thing.

I am in the process of divorce, while still living together, and I do want to get into a new r/s, but I am not overly sure what to expect. This idea of 'being able to choose one's partner' based on healthy decisions, and sticking with it is going to be a new one for me. From previous, the possibly healthy ones didn't get me fired up!

I remember it as a slow and generally dull experience... .so much for healthy, compared to the buzz of unhealthy attraction/attachment.

But I also need to ask myself, why do I want to rush into a new r/s? That i haven't actually addressed as yet.

[C.Stein]

What if I never feel the way I did about her again? I'm in my late forties, and have had two ten year relationships to people I loved as well as other shorter ones before I met her.

You and I ride in the same boat.  While I haven't had that many long term relationships, I also am at that age where I am forced to accept the reality that "it" may never happen again and wonder even if I want it to.  Being an introvert doesn't help that much either and I have spent much of my adult life "alone" in that I was not in an intimate relationship for extended periods of time.  If I am honest with myself this is a part of the reason why the failure of my relationship has been so hard to get over.  All the good fruit in the bucket has been taken and what is left is not very desirable.  Sad thing about that is ... .I'm one of those pieces of fruit left in the bucket ... .wounded and bruised from decades of being thrown back into the bucket time and time again, sometimes with large bites taken out.

So I have to ask myself why because the common denominator in all these failed relationships is me?

For myself personally I have know for a long time I am attracted to broken/damaged people ... .and pretty much every time I get used and thrown away.  Yet I keep allowing myself to get involved with these type of people.  When does the cycle stop?  The cycle stops when I stop getting involved with people who essentially can only take and have little or nothing to give back.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions of how to move past these limiting thoughts, I'd be very grateful.

Until you are comfortable being alone, until you can fill the wants and needs you seek to fill in a relationship on your own, you won't be able to find what you are looking for.  Naturally not all our wants and needs can be filled on our own however if we do not come from a stable and grounded place within then the type of relationship that will likely occur will be one doomed to fail.

So with that in mind ... .define what comprises a healthy relationship for you.

[La Carotte]

Oh C. Stein what a thoroughly depressing metaphor you created with your bucket of fruit! It's horrible to feel that way, huh?

Ok, so a healthy relationship for me:

One in which we can be ourselves and be trusted, trustworthy and trust, so that if things don't go perfectly that's ok- you know you're solid as a partnership so you'll work together to sort it out. You are each other's biggest supporters and cheerleaders  and you encourage each other to be your best and most fulfilled version of yourself. You find each other interesting and attractive and fun and you choose each other first, because you want to, not just because you're in a relationship. When you're with each other, you feel like you're home and you wouldn't rather be anywhere else with anyone else in that moment, and you're confident they feel the same. You have shared life goals and dreams and you want to grow and develop and learn together to make those reality.

So now I have to fulfill those needs for myself? Ok, I'll relook at what I wrote with just me in mind... .

[C.Stein]

Oh C. Stein what a thoroughly depressing metaphor you created with your bucket of fruit! It's horrible to feel that way, huh?

Yes it is, but an unfortunate reality those of us who are getting long in the tooth need to accept.  That being the case there is always hope for something better, something more than what has past.

Ok, so a healthy relationship for me:

One in which we can be ourselves and be trusted, trustworthy and trust, so that if things don't go perfectly that's ok- you know you're solid as a partnership so you'll work together to sort it out. You are each other's biggest supporters and cheerleaders  and you encourage each other to be your best and most fulfilled version of yourself. You find each other interesting and attractive and fun and you choose each other first, because you want to, not just because you're in a relationship. When you're with each other, you feel like you're home and you wouldn't rather be anywhere else with anyone else in that moment, and you're confident they feel the same. You have shared life goals and dreams and you want to grow and develop and learn together to make those reality.

These are good and realistic expectations from an intimate relationship.  I will add one important thing ... .respect!  Without respect you have nothing.

So now I have to fulfill those needs for myself? Ok, I'll relook at what I wrote with just me in mind... .

Good.  Explore how you could fulfill these for yourself ... .to be your own ideal partner.

[petedrexler]

Good.  Explore how you could fulfill these for yourself ... .to be your own ideal partner.

C.Stein: You just blew my mind with this. Thank you! You're right. I need to learn how to do all this for myself first. And thank you, La Carotte. That's a very useful definition of a healthy relationship.   

[C.Stein]

The road to a healthy relationship starts with you.  When you can supply yourself with the core things you most desire from an intimate relationship then you are truly ready to be a part of a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship. 

[earlgrey]

fear of lonliness... .

I am fearful of lonliness (I think that is what it is) so to reduce this fear I look for a romantic partner... .and mainly the results are no so good. But today heading for separation I am still thinking of a new r/s. WHY WHY WHY? It is just so automatic.

I think it might have something to do with a part of my personality... .I read that i have plenty of cluster c type traits - read it yesterday - particularly the avoidance stuff, scared and anxious of new people, being judged... .etc etc

So I have a feeling my desire to get into a r/s has less to do with lonliness and more to do with having someone by my side to cope with my anxieties, be on my side have my back. (Works really well with a pwBPD  )

Because I have all the tools (material/skills) to cope with being alone but that is not enough. I still don't like it.

[C.Stein]

So I have a feeling my desire to get into a r/s has less to do with lonliness and more to do with having someone by my side to cope with my anxieties, be on my side have my back. (Works really well with a pwBPD  )

Because I have all the tools (material/skills) to cope with being alone but that is not enough. I still don't like it.

I think many times a fear of loneliness comes from a fear of being alone with ones self.  A partner, especially a pwBPD, offers a distraction and means to keep your attention focused away from yourself.  This might be a part of understanding the desire and attraction of a relationship with someone who demands so much attention (mentally, emotionally, time).

I think we all want a companion in some way, be it friend or romantic.  One thing that I see very often here is people lose themselves in the relationship with a pwBPD.  It is one reason why the pain is so great when it all ends.  Is this also an unconscious desire to be so consumed with another person that you effectively don't have to "sit with yourself"?

[drained1996]

In a therapy session I asked my T "why do I miss her so much and want to try to work things out?"  His response was simple... ."it has nothing to do with her, that's YOUR loneliness."  He didn't expand on the topic at the time, nor did I, but his answer resonated and I brought it up my next session.  
He answered, "You don't miss her, you miss the ways you felt on occasion with her.  :)o you remember the other ways you felt when you were around her?"  My answer was of course "yes".  
He asked, "Now don't you want to feel that way again without all the bad?"
"Of course" was my answer.
"So let's figure out you, and why you have chosen to be with two pwBPD and STAY with them, let's work on you and fix your picker, and the issues that damaged it in the first place."
Long story short, family history, ingrained bad reactions to the ways I felt growing up within my family.  I had to delve into MY past, and look at MY issues to find ME.  Even though I could track it back to my mother, or a damaged inner child etc etc... .I remember a specific lesson... .I am in charge of the way I feel.  Nobody has the ability to make me feel bad or good or anything in between.  I'm responsible for how I feel or allow my emotions to react to an event or situation.  Not an easy task in grasping that one, but it's true.  :)on't get me wrong, I don't think anybody can live that way all the time, as for me that seems an impossible task for us humans.  But understanding that fact and slowing down to process feelings and emotions has allowed me... .to control how I feel and react in many situations.  
Loneliness was MY problem, it had nothing to do with anyone else.  I had to learn to begin to love ME, to respect ME, and of course to control ME and my feelings and reactions.  I'm nowhere near fully loving myself, but through therapy, learning and sharing on this site... .I'm getting it... .it's really all about ME.  Until we have some semblance of love for ourselves and a somewhat balanced understanding of our core selves, healthy relationships will probably elude our lives.  With time and effort, and of course some wonderful guidance both here and in therapy... .it does get better.  I hope this all makes sense... .just saw this thread and the loneliness part hit home with my process.