Did my Ex have a baby due to abandonment fears?

[deadboy]

Hi! This is my first post here. I'm 45 NC with my Ex and I think I've been reading a ton of posts on this message board. I'm shocked. Everything I felt and have gone through has been answered here. I did have one question pertaining to my experience.

When I met my Ex she had a 3-year-old child that I was introduced to on our second date (Same night she talked about Marriage and having kids with me). Not getting into too much detail, she told me she got pregnant by her loser roommate after a drunken one night stand. The reason? She went through a really bad breakup with her Ex of 2 years who she claimed cheated. She was so upset that she was drinking a lot and it "just happened" one night. I found out later this was a distortion of the truth, he never cheated on her. Anyway, she told me she only had sex with this roommate once and got pregnant and kept the baby because "I felt it was my last chance to ever have a child" (Even though she was only 29 years old). Later I found out they had an ongoing sexual 'FWB' relationship, then by the end of our R/S it changed to a full-on relationship (details kept changing over the course of time, though she denied the lies).

My Ex has never been married. She's had over 25+ failed relationships. She's addicted to her child and their relationship was toxic. I was previously in a relationship with an excellent mother of 3 wonderful little girls. I lived with them for two years and learned a lot about parenting. My Ex GF is a permissive parent and it's been the cause of our relationship problems from the beginning. Her child was extremely demanding as there were no boundaries, inconsistent discipline, always bribing the child with unhealthy food (Chips, bowls of grated parmesan cheese or a stick of butter), lack of structure and routine.

My Ex thought that she was being a good parent by over compensation. She said because her dad abandoned her as a child and her mother 'chose her step-father over her', that she would give the child the love she never received growing up. So she gave her child everything she demanded. She did show the child a lot of affection but failed when trying to discipline. Her 3 year old pretty much ruled the roost. We fought about it a lot, which ended in our Final breakup (Breakup #16 in a year). I'm sad that I couldn't get through to her. I loved that child and was worried about her future.

Kids need structure, it's important. My Ex said I was always being judgmental and criticizing when I tried to talk about the child and the way she was raising her. I kept trying to push my Ex to have more of a routine instead of it being random all the time. She hated that idea because it would interfere with her fun. Like staying out till 11:00 PM with her kid, not getting home and eating dinner until 11:45 PM at night. I encouraged her to potty train, discontinue breastfeeding and sleeping with her 3-year-old.  (The child was eating regular food, my Ex used breastfeeding as another means to get the child to behave or comply because it was "just easier and less stressful".)

Our last fight was about the child, she felt I was always judging her and it made her feel like a terrible mother. I was only trying to get some structure into that child's life. My Ex was always worn out by this child's constant demands, which pretty much killed our romantic relationship. It was always about the kid, always. My feelings and needs were a complete joke after the honeymoon phase. I'd have to hear my Ex whine and complain about the child, but if I put forth some criticism, no matter how tame, I'd be sent home.

The child would go into a tantrum at the slightest request, like asking her to drink water or go potty. I know toddlers are like this, but I'm talking EVERY TIME. Not once was it not a struggle with the child. It got worse over the year we were together. By the age of four, the child was in full control of every situation. When my Ex wasn't there, and I was babysitting, the child acted like a normal little kid. Did what I asked and seemed like a well-adjusted little human being. The moment my Ex returned it went right back to the never ending talking, incessant neediness and constant demands. When the child wasn't there with us and I brought up her kid she would get infuriated and tell me "This is MY TIME, I have to deal with "her" all day, every day. The last thing I want is to talk about her."  She told me that she was tired of me making her feel bad. She told me she didn't want my opinion or help (Even though she complained and whined all the time about how her child was endlessly stressing her out).

My Ex told me one night that even though she "loved" her child she didn't know if she "Liked her as a person". This made her feel horrible and shameful. She said if she had the means she would go to high schools everywhere and lecture on the importance of birth control and why it's important to be married before having kids. That blew me away, and made me wonder what kind of person would think that. She also felt guilty about having to leave her child with the kid's dad while she was at work. He's been living in half-way house for about 2 years and she would leave her child there overnight. He just got kicked out after failing a breathalyzer and was living with my Ex at her apartment the last week of our relationship.

I really tried my best to help, but realize now I was only causing major damage. My Ex stated a few times "I've done everything wrong, I'm so grateful for your help!", during moments of clarity. The next day her opinion changed. In her mind she was doing just fine, I was just being harshly and unfairly judgmental towards her.

I wonder if she had the child out of selfishness. She wanted a friend, someone in her life that would give her love unconditionally. Is this something that happens with people with BPD?  Thanks for reading! I appreciate it.



TL:DR
-My Ex had a baby with her FWB
-At age 29, Ex chose to be a single mother, she thought it was her only chance at motherhood
-Ex has regrets having a baby with a loser who doesn't support the child
-I feel child is growing up in an unhealthy environment
-Because she is a BPDer, did she have the child out of the fear of abandonment

[VitaminC]

Hi deadboy,



It sounds like you've had quite an experience. I'm sorry it's been rough.

I'm glad you found this site and that you've already read a good bit that resonated with you. Knowing that there is a pattern and some kind of explanation for behaviours is helpful, as is being part of a community that understands these kinds of relationship dynamics.

I see what you're saying about the parenting issues. My own exBPD has a child, with whom I'm still close, and during our time together I often felt that I was the "better" parent and more fun friend to this girl. She lives mainly with her mother, which is a blessing in every way, as she is well-adjusted and happy due to the stability she gets there.

Were she living with her father, I am sure it would be a very different story. Although he is fine with her for a couple of days, it wears him out and he becomes withdrawn and odd. The child is now 10 and I've known her for over 2 years. I see how she increasingly notices her father's moods and doesn't know how to interpret them.

Her dad, my ex, was from the start very insecure about everything, his parenting included. I was always super careful about how I phrased anything I felt I absolutely had to voice with regard to his relationship with his daughter. This was not easy and often I was stunned at how little concept he seemed to have of what another human being, his own child, needed at different times.

Stepping in and trying to do the right thing by a little person in our lives, when their own parent doesn't seem to know how, can be hard.

With regard to your question - if your ex had her child due to her abandonment issues - it's possible. Many parents have children due to all kinds of less than "healthy" reasons, though. Why do you think this particular question matters?

[deadboy]

With regard to your question - if your ex had her child due to her abandonment issues - it's possible. Many parents have children due to all kinds of less than "healthy" reasons, though. Why do you think this particular question matters?

Thank you for your reply VitaminC. Well, I ask this question because prior to having a baby my Ex bounced back and forth from one failed relationship to the next. She was never really without a man in her life before she had a baby. She didn't date anyone until she searched me out on Facebook (we had met 10 years ago).  I am just curious if the child fed her feeling of abandonment for those three years. I guess it doesn't really matter why. I just miss that little girl and feel bad that she was born from a one night stand to the town drunk. I guess I'd feel better knowing my Ex had the baby for some reason other than reckless sex.

[VitaminC]

I just miss that little girl and feel bad that she was born from a one night stand to the town drunk. I guess I'd feel better knowing my Ex had the baby for some reason other than reckless sex.

To my mind, that shows you're a compassionate and caring individual. I don't know what else to say.  It would pain me greatly to think of my own little 10 year old friend left only in the care of her emotionally and practically inept father.

Have you any contact with the extended family of your ex that you could check in about the little girl? I know that's not much of a solution to the heartache, even if you did. 

[deadboy]

To my mind, that shows you're a compassionate and caring individual. I don't know what else to say.  It would pain me greatly to think of my own little 10 year old friend left only in the care of her emotionally and practically inept father.

Have you any contact with the extended family of your ex that you could check in about the little girl? I know that's not much of a solution to the heartache, even if you did. 

That is very kind of you to say VitaminC. Thank you, I really do appreciate that.

I do love that little girl, but I realize that there's nothing I can do at this point but detach. I feel it's no longer my place to get involved with their lives. It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who has kids. I bond with them and when things go south I lose the child/children as well. I wanted to be a father to my Ex's child. She adored me and I think my Ex resented that for some reason. She never told me how lucky she was to have someone who loved her and her child like I did. During our breakups, she told me how her child would always ask about me. Her child would even make Freudian slips sometimes when she called me poppa! It warmed my heart.

The last thing I heard was the little girl started ballet class when my Mom brought my Ex's belongings to her about a month ago. I feel right now that I need to remain in NC. This has been an extremely hard breakup for me. I've never gone through such pain in my life. My Ex really hurt me with her passive-aggressive abuse. I'm just so happy for this place. I keep reading my story over and over by other people who've experienced all the things I went through. I wasn't going crazy after all! I see now that I am not the monster she made me out to be. I really do hope the best for her and her daughter. That's all I ever wanted for them, but I have to move on with my life.

[VitaminC]

It's not easy being in a relationship with someone who has kids. I bond with them and when things go south I lose the child/children as well.

I hear you. One of the reasons I stayed with my ex was because I loved that little girl and couldn't bear to lose her. He made me feel I would. I did, until I got sense and just called up her mom, who was thrilled I wanted to keep our friendship going.

I wanted to be a father to my Ex's child. She adored me and I think my Ex resented that for some reason. She never told me how lucky she was to have someone who loved her and her child like I did.

I know, it's very sad to lose two people. One of them little and innocent. It would make sense if your ex resented your closeness to her child. If you think about it, anyone with self-esteem issues might feel insecure in that situation. I often wondered at my ex in that way too - the more fun I had with his kid, the more distant and weird he'd become. As if there was a competition over who would have my attention! Being in competition with his own child for my affections.   Yes, rather than sit back glowing with joy at our antics and being pleased for his child's sake that she had a good person in her life, he would sink into despondency and pout resentfully.

This has been an extremely hard breakup for me. I've never gone through such pain in my life. My Ex really hurt me with her passive-aggressive abuse. I'm just so happy for this place. I keep reading my story over and over by other people who've experienced all the things I went through. I wasn't going crazy after all! I see now that I am not the monster she made me out to be. I really do hope the best for her and her daughter. That's all I ever wanted for them, but I have to move on with my life.

Yes, there are many stories like that here.  This doesn't diminish your own story in any way, of course. We do take comfort in learning we are not the only ones this kind of thing has happened to.

What are your next thoughts on healing, do you think?  Have you looked through the Stages of Detachment over here on the right>>> ? I found them kind of handy myself.

[Moselle]

the more fun I had with his kid, the more distant and weird he'd become. As if there was a competition over who would have my attention! Being in competition with his own child for my affections.

Hi VitC,

I'm wondering if it's the other way round. Their sense of self is so unstable and very linked into their primary attachment figures, either us or their child/ren.

When we become close to their children (shared or someone elses) we are a perceived threat to their relationship with that child who they see as an extention of themselves.

Deadboy, sorry to read your story. It is so sad to see innocent children caught up in this dramatic illness

[VitaminC]

the more fun I had with his kid, the more distant and weird he'd become. As if there was a competition over who would have my attention! Being in competition with his own child for my affections.

Hi VitC,

When we become close to their children (shared or someone elses) we are a perceived threat to their relationship with that child who they see as an extention of themselves.

Yes, that's possible, sure. I always felt that he was less interested in his child than me at the times we all three were together. It bothered me no end. In my view, the child ought to have come first, always, particularly as he only sees her every second weekend.

He introduced us to each other very early on. I felt even then, that he was using the child as a hook for me. There was something unnatural about it. He wanted to play happy families but couldn't function in the constellation of three at all.

Either way, the little creature in the middle is the one with the least control. The one with the most to lose or gain, and with the least to say about any of it. The onus on the big people is to protect and nourish.   Tough when the big people on the outside are the ones better equipped to do that than those on the inside.

[Moselle]

Either way, the little creature in the middle is the one with the least control. The one with the most to lose or gain, and with the least to say about any of it. The onus on the big people is to protect and nourish.  Tough when the big people on the outside are the ones better equipped to do that than those on the inside.

I have three children caught in my mess and subject to this nonsense. It breaks my heart to watch a pwBPD do this stuff to an innocent child. It can cause all sorts of damage . We can only do the best we can.

[VitaminC]

I have three children caught in my mess and subject to this nonsense. It breaks my heart to watch a pwBPD do this stuff to an innocent child. It can cause all sorts of damage . We can only do the best we can.

I know. Don't forget though, that kids are very resilient. And having one good parent can be all that's needed for a well adjusted adulthood.   

Kids will be damaged by their elders one way or another. And millions of those who came before us survived, and are surviving and even flourishing, with no parents or two lousy ones.

As you say, we only do the best we can. If it's done with love, that will show through. x

[Moselle]

I know. Don't forget though, that kids are very resilient. And having one good parent can be all that's needed for a well adjusted adulthood.   

Kids will be damaged by their elders one way or another. And millions of those who came before us survived, and are surviving and even flourishing, with no parents or two lousy ones.

As you say, we only do the best we can. If it's done with love, that will show through. x

Thanks VC. I needed a bit of encouragement. She actively tries to alienate me from them for the reasons discussed below. And I drive 6 hours each way to be with them every second weekend. I'm weary from the effort, and hopeful that it pays off.