BPD ex of 26 died in april, just found out

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I don't know all the details,  read her obituary.  it most likely suicide or overdose.  All the love came back. n hate.   I saved this girls life, and she ruined mine,  we split more then a year ago, and i let go of the hate.   It just! i cant feel this way right now, life is too hard as it is.  Really I just wish my feeling were the witch is dead, the world is better off, but no,  I have to relieve those: wish it could of worked out and get sucked back into the past emotionally.  I am supposed to see her cousin, but I have a feeling she's going to flake and ghost me.  Cant fault her, people grieve in different ways.  My ex was so selfish.  I just want to feel, like this person isnt anything to me anymore.  They don't deserve anything from me just because they died.  My life doesn't suck, and on paper from the outside, people are intrigued, I paid of have my debt and my part time business has made 20k, while I work a full time job... , but emotionally life is boardering of being meaningless.  Its taken everything I have to maintain some balance, and be grateful.    Its bad enough I let her ruin my life when she was alive, now I am letting her do it in death to.  For the first time in 9 month, my only conclusion for this is; I must really be a loser after all,  i'm not really acceptable.  No ones ever going to really love me and whats to point of trying.  Its so strange, i like me, but hate me because just have few opportunities with women.  I so much want a family one day.  I cry recently,  going back in forth from, i loved you so much, to you ruined everything.  I just want to be free.  This is just to much insanity. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI AsGoodAsItGets: 
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I can see how the news of her passing would bring up a mixture of feelings.

Were there any particular strategies you used in the past to work through things (journaling, exercise, mindfulness, etc.)?  When times are good, we tend to put some of our tools aside.  It can be helpful to revisit what may have worked in the past.

Maybe the quote and link below to an article and video on forgiveness (and forgiveness maintenence) might be helpful. 

Forgiveness takes maintenance. During future life stresses, old feelings about this injury may bubble up again. Each time they do, quietly walk those feelings back to bed with the same techniques. Eventually enough time will pass that those memories will lose their emotional punch. Forgiveness is the most mentally freeing experience. I encourage you to try it.

www.drwendywalsh.com/blog/2015/08/the-art-of-forgiveness/

The link below has some interesting mental exercises that can be done to "Improve the Moment"
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

This article on MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS might be helpful as well.

No ones ever going to really love me and whats to point of trying.  Its so strange, i like me, but hate me because just have few opportunities with women.  I so much want a family one day.

What are you doing to meet new people?  Sometime, joining groups of people with similar interests can bring opportunities to start new relationships. (perhaps "Meet Ups", if they exist in your area).  Have you tried any dating websites?  It can take some work to deal with dating websites, but many people eventually find successful romantic relationships that way.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

thank you for taking the time to write.

[hope2727]

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some self care that eases your shock. Please take gentle care of yourself.

 

[Woods77]

That sounds truly awful and heart breaking. As you said youve done well to achieve some key things like paying off debt and doing well with the business you mentioned. You are not worthless at all and you can find love in the future if you want to as other posters have mentioned.

You could do some things you enjoy, even if they are small like watching a film you like. Take care of yourself.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Thank you everyone.  Truly kind and intelligent reply.   Sadly it just doesn't feel that way right now.    I totally can really relate to everyones thoughtout logical responses and suggestions, but honestly a few days ago none of these emotions were present, and would have easily believed I would never have to feel this way again.  Yet here I am.   Went out Friday and today, only suffering trying to enjoy the moment, or express my feelings, both seemed equally hard.  My emotions seemed to be a little more Spinkled with calm.  Yet tonight my mind still images what I could do related to her. I've yelled enough times, she's dead, reminding myself to keep focusing on myself.  I just want hate her.  Always hearing how thier so much hate in the world, yet I can't seem to feel that towards her.   I know she'd would smile if I died, and say good.  He deserved that. 

[Turkish]

They don't deserve anything from me just because they died.

What do you feel is being asked of you?

[Cleanglass]

My advice: Don't feel hate. Feel compassion and pity. And more than anything, it's over now. All that suffering she was going through, it's not there anymore. It's sad that she couldn't be helped but you weren't put on this planet to save her. Nobody was put here to save her.

I'm sure it's like starting again but just know you won't ever have to go through this again. This is the last time you'll have to find your way out of the dark. That's not to say be glad she passed away but be content that nobody has to suffer anymore. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep going - and the others are right. Whatever you did before worked. Do it again.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

thank you everyone again.  The feelings have finally left.  I am just numb to the past relationship I had with the ex.  Can finally rationalize the real witch she was again, and not feel a sense of loss from their death.  The world is better off, trust me.   Nothing good came from this person.  The wishing of things are gone.  I get to focus on me again.  Simultaneity, just thank you everyone for your uplifting kind support through this final ordeal with a mean spirited individual that will never be able to hurt me again.

[Herodias]

I am so sorry for your loss. As much as we sometimes think it would be easier if our exes were gone... .when it comes down to it, it is hard either way. You don't have to see them hurting themselves or others anymore and that is a good thing. There was nothing you could have done to change the way things turned out. It is very sad that her life ended so quickly. You can only give your condolences to the family if you are in touch... .I would be in shock and numb too. What you are feeling is totally normal. So sorry you are dealing with this kind of pain... .xo

[Pipedreamer25]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.  Please take care of yourself.

[Leonis]

Condolences for such a tragic turn of events.

I hope you do pick yourself up eventually and seal this beautiful nightmare forever in your memories.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

I finally take to her cousin,  the cousin didn't really know how much u loved my ex,  she thanked me for saving her life, and providin a place for her.  She also made it clear my ex really didn't have strong feelings for me, and was just grateful to have a calm in the storm of her life.  She mentioned the ex was not bothered by the Breck up and never mentioned me.  It  was good to finally know the truth, that I suspected allike along.   Good luck to everyone.