How do I cope with leaving my BPD wife?

[MiamiMade]

I was in a 4-year relationship with a woman who adored me and spoiled me to death. She was a better mother to my kids than their own mother. She was a young, attractive, intelligent, self-made successful business owner, who shared much of her time, efforts, and money building our home and a new family. We had an incredible sexual relationship by all aspects and we even opened up to a lot of sexual exploration together. When some of her actions became suspicious, I didn't want to believe that she could betray me since we were so open about everything. After all, we were "soul mates' who shared our deepest secretes. We would travel the world (at her expense) and at times her mood toward me would just change suddenly and without provocation, which I always thought was odd.

After about a year and a half, my suspicions grew unbearable and I decided to extract all of her "deleted" text messages from her cell phone. I discovered much more than I could ever be prepared for. She was having several sexual affairs with many men throughout her work day and often romanticizing about them in the same way she would with me. They were all married or had live-in girlfriends and some of the men I knew because she had introduced them to me during social settings. Suddenly, it made sense why she would resent me at times; especially when we were traveling. She was thinking about some other man at that moment and couldn't be with him.

I was devastated and completely bewildered. How could someone who put me on a pedestal and put so much time, effort, and resources into our family, be so reckless? She was an expert manipulator and had me convinced that her affairs were partially my fault. She down played many of the affairs as best she could and was able to destroy the evidence before I could see the full scope of what she had been doing; however, her "stories" wouldn't make much logical sense for me. Over the next year, she worked hard to gain my trust and make all outward appearances seem "normal" again. Although, I tried to get over it and move on, my intuition told me to keep digging more; despite the therapist and close friends telling me to just move forward. Well, after a little more research I discovered more evidence of affairs from the beginning of the relationship and even a one-night stand just months after the initial discovery of her affairs. It was at this point that I filed for divorce, which was finalized in July of 2016. Since that time, she explained that she discovered she has BPD. As soon as I read up on BPD, all of her behaviors could be identified.

But, now months later, I still find myself crying uncontrollably over the loss of her at times. Although, I understand BPD for the most part, I seem to have a hard time believing the love of my life never actually existed.

[fromheeltoheal]

H MiamiMade-

And Welcome!

I'm sorry you went through that, it is very painful and confusing, startling revelations, shock, and then the loss of a relationship you valued a great deal is a lot to deal with, not the least of which being your beliefs around her and the relationship turned out to be contrary to the reality.  That kind of thing is not unique around here though, we understand, and it's good you found us.

at times her mood toward me would just change suddenly and without provocation, which I always thought was odd.

Suddenly, it made sense why she would resent me at times; especially when we were traveling. She was thinking about some other man at that moment and couldn't be with him.

That could have been, although affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood is an official trait of the disorder, a consequence of not having a fully formed self of her own.  A real self acts as a kind of true north, providing grounding, and without it the emotions predominate, ever-changing, so it could have been anything that set her off, or nothing at all.
 

But, now months later, I still find myself crying uncontrollably over the loss of her at times. Although, I understand BPD for the most part, I seem to have a hard time believing the love of my life never actually existed.

It's great that you educated yourself on the disorder, that can make a lot of confusion go away, which is not everything, but at least eliminating the confusion is a big part of it.

It's likely she loved you completely and deeply, until she didn't, which didn't have anything to do with you, it was just the progression of the disorder.  And the love of your life did exist for you; you believed she was it and she became who you needed her to be to fulfill that, not in a conniving or malicious way, but in an absolute mandatory need to attach way, which someone without a self of their own must do.  The other men were there for the same reason, that and maybe some impulsive behavior, done in order to soothe emotions, another trait of the disorder.

There's grieving and processing of emotions to do to detach, not easy but fruitful, the main key being to feel the emotions all the way through.  What you're feeling is normal, and I'm sorry you're in that, and it will get better.  Take care of you!

[C.Stein]

Hello MM,

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure.  I understand how the betrayal of trust can rip a massive hole in your psyche.  When you find yourself one day looking at the love of your life and not recognizing who they are it shatters your sense of reality and personal self.  The pain associated with this can truly bring you to your knees.  When the blinders came off for me I had uncontrollable tears in my eyes for nearly two months.  Even now, 14 months after being trash-canned, I have yet to make it through a day without tearing up on numerous occasions.

Discovering the BPD link has helped me understand why my ex did the things she did, which does help to some extent.  But the pain remains and I still struggle with understanding why.

The love of your life did exist, but that person was only a part of the whole.  This may be the hardest things for you to come to terms with, I know it has been for me.

This article might be a good place for you to start with understanding and dealing with the pain and confusion.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

Are you still in contact with her?

[MiamiMade]

Thank you for your insight. I've spent several hours reading your responses, the provided Surviving a Breakup with Someone with BPD, as well as many of the other post on this website. I first discovered the sexual affairs on May 30th, 2015 and it has been the most toxic and turbulent relationship of my life ever since. She had moved in and out of my home 4 times.  I was left with a 10-year-old daughter (who adored and emulated her) and couldn't understand why she was no longer part of our family.

Countless dramatic episodes, hours of therapy (joint and individual), numerous "trips", covert tracking devices and surveillance, hacking into email and cell phone accounts, a reverse-vasectomy to start our own family, etc. The ups and downs of that last year were something out of a movie. Unfortunately, it wasn't until this April (2016) that I discovered what BPD was. I've always considered myself fairly intelligent, but still cant grasp how she was able to get away with so much throughout all the years we were together. Or, why I wanted to believe her obvious lies so badly in the face of clear undisputable evidence.

Regardless, I am extremely appreciative of this supportive website community and all that you do to bring some type closer to all this madness. Thanks again to all for your insight and wisdom on the matter!

[MiamiMade]

Sorry. to answer the question, my last contact with her was around September 7, 2016. For some reason, I tried to reach out to her after I learned she had gone on a trip to India. We spent a couple blissful days together, but then all the sudden her mood changed and after my BPD research, I knew exactly what that meant. Her interest had changed to someone else.

I left her apartment, changed my phone number,  and didn't communicate with her at all. A few days later, she showed up at my home unexpectedly and performed a very emotional display claiming how bad she had messed up and that she did not want to live any longer. I calmed her down and she went back to her appartment after a while. I realized this will not end well and decided this was it. She has since figured out my new phone number, but I don't respond to her and she has left me alone since September 16, 2016. I plan on changing my number again just in case.

[C.Stein]

I've always considered myself fairly intelligent, but still cant grasp how she was able to get away with so much throughout all the years we were together. Or, why I wanted to believe her obvious lies so badly in the face of clear undisputable evidence.

I was the same way.  I constructed an illusion of the person I believed she was and I believed she wanted to be.  I willingly overlooked red flags, even after discussing them with her, and continued to keep that illusion alive in spite of clear indications to the contrary.  Her, being a likely borderline, has no real sense of self so it was easy for her to mirror the woman I wanted to believe in, at least for a time.  Once the wheels came off that mirror cracked and the illusion started to dissipate.  I was beginning to see and accept that she was not the woman I had come to love so deeply, and I was (and still am) having a hard time reconciling this.  Even then I didn't want to admit it to myself and even now I still find myself not wanting to admit it to myself.  The amount of time and energy I invested in convincing myself that she was the illusion has made it exceptionally difficult to accept the truth. 

It is going to be hard for a while MM.  The confusion and emotional hurricane that results from these types of relationships will rip through you with a fury that can bring you to your knees.  The FOG is real ... .and once you can find a way out of it the clarity you will gain will likely shock you.

Know that we are here to help steady you through this.

What are you doing for yourself and your daughter right now?  What do you think you can do to bring some sense of stability back into your life for both you and your daughter?