Intro and Greetings

[Goataholic]

   Hi
   I live in a very rural part of Canada and so getting to talk to others who have children with BPD is very helpful
   My son has been diagnosed with BPD. He graduated high school in 2010 and refused to pursue ANY higher education. He has had more jobs than I can count (none lasting very long) and there is the obligatory trail of broken relationships. He has attempted suicide 3 times that I am sure and perhaps more (usually alcohol and drugs). He is one step away from homelessness and survived this long because of an inheritance from his mother (she died when he was 5 and his great-grandmother).
   Like many here I often go down the rabbit hole of wondering what I did wrong. I know I was emotionally distant with all my kids for several years after my wife died-I thing I was just trying to survive. His sister and brothers all coped in their own ways and had some rough times-but they all got through it and now have jobs and healthy relationships of their own. My son was the youngest. He was exceedingly good in school and I am sure is capable of doing more-but is unable to stay stable for any length of time.
    I guess I am looking for strategies to help me deal with the guilt I feel (what could I have done differently, why didn't I see the problem sooner, how should I have helped him cope with his mother's death and on and on). I also find myself lying awake at night wondering if this is the night the police will come to the door and tell me that he has committed suicide.
    I have gone through many devastating personal issues, but this is the hardest. I am retired (by choice more or less) and have a new wife of 16+ years. We are healthy and enjoy doing things-but everywhere we go or whatever we do I pack this pain with me. I know that at 23 he is an adult and makes his own choices-but it really eats at me to have to watch him suffer so much (much of that by his own choices).
     Thanks for hearing me out and any ideas, suggestions would be great

Thanks 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcome Goataholic!  On this website you will read of all different situations... .some not as bad as yours... .others worse.  All of them, like you, are hurting parents who have (or are) struggling with the death of the dream they envisioned the future would be with their child.

First of all... .you have to stop beating up on yourself.  To be left widowed with young children is an absolutely terrible thing to happen.  The boat was sinking and the onus was on you to save yourself and the kids from drowning... .all at the same time.  Did you try your best?  I'm sure you did!  When you knew better... .did you do better?  I'm sure you did.

It is heartbreaking to watch a child self-destruct and many of us out here have felt your pain.  Sadly, some have lived through your worst nightmare.

Is your son on any kind of medications to help him with his BPD tendencies?  Has he been to counselling?  Have YOU been to counselling?  You write that you live in a very rural part of Canada so that may be a problem finding this resource... .but if at all possible... .give it a try.  Other than that, just interacting on this website hopefully will give you some comfort in knowing you are not alone.  Being read and being validated is a comfort in itself.

It is nice to read you were able to move on from the devastation and then remarry.  It is nice to read your other children followed suit... .slogged through their own issues and then went on to living happy, productive lives.  Hopefully all of you are support for each other.

I wish I had quick answers for you.  I wish I could tell you all will be better soon.  This will probably always be a work-in-progress with your son but have confidence in yourself, Goataholic.

[livednlearned]

Hi goataholic,

Welcome and hello 

I wanted to join Huat in welcoming you to the site. I understand the punishing guilt you talk about. My son was always an exceptionally sensitive child and frankly, the emotional intensity was something I didn't have experience with.

The skills needed to support our kids are not intuitive, and even without the intense grief you must have experienced, it is possible your son would need more than you could have provided. I think boys who are emotionally sensitive have it even harder because empathic abilities can be actively discouraged, not just overlooked. This is so invalidating for children who need a lot of validation.

Is your son in touch with you? Does he have a relationship with his siblings?

For me, a day doesn't go by that I don't experience some guilt. I allow myself to sip from that fountain for a short period, and then I move forward and build strength so I can forgive and feel compassion. There are also skills you can learn that may help your son with his emotional dysregulation, if he reaches out to you when he is stable, and even when he is at his worst.

Keep posting. It really does help 

LnL