our BPD daughter-in-law has taken our son from our lives

[megmom]

Since the moment my dear son started dating this woman, we knew something was not right.  She was controlling, manipulative and possessive as soon as they met.  Our son is/was a quite gentle soul and was blown away "a woman like this could like someone like me!"  He was always devoted to the family and particularly me, his mom.  She very soon started bashing me and convincing him that I was a an overly possessive mother who didn't want to lose her son.  I have two younger sons and have had a number of girlfriends in our life, and that has never been the case!  I was concerned because of her behavior and the fact our son seemed under her control.
It has now resulted in them completely cutting us off and our son now believing I am all these evil things.  Everyone in our life - extended family, friends, etc. can see the horror of what has happened and how she is not well.  They also are crushed at losing our son, as she has complete control, and everyone always loved him.  No one can believe the change in him.
I/we are crushed beyond belief!  We keep trying to keep the door open and let him know and believe we are here for him - and HER!  As that is the only way to get him back.  But all to no avail.
I guess all we can do is wait, pray and hope he comes back.  Any other suggestions?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome megmom:   
I'm so sorry about the situation with your son and DIL.  It must be very hard for you, since you were so close. Was there some event or a situation or two that you think lead to them cutting off contact?  Is you son in contact with his brothers?

It might be a good idea to gain some techniques and communication skills, in hope that there may be some future opportunity to reconnect.

You won't likely change your DIL and son, but you can change how you interact and react to them.  One approach would be to just be somewhat neutral with your DIL and son.  There will be things you disagree with and want to express your opinion on - don't (keep your opinions to yourself). Beware of social media.  If you access any Facebook page (or other media) future DIL has access to, take the approach of "unless you have something positive to say, don't say anything".

It can seen unnatural to feel like you might be walking on eggshells, but it could make the difference with the degree of interaction you could have with your son and DIL in the long run.

There are several links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The link below can lead you to several helpful articles:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307#msg1064894

How long has it been since you were in contact with each other?

[jdtm]

I feel for you - lived what you are now living.  The previous poster is correct (and so are you).  Your life with your adult children is not how you imagined; in fact, it is one you never could have envisioned.  It is not fair and you cannot fix it.

The only thing you and your husband can do is "move on".  My husband and I (after years of wasting effort and time trying to "fix" something we did not cause, could not control or never be able to cure) changed some aspects of our lives.  We actually moved to another town, changed churches, our shopping venues, our leisure activities, holidays with new traditions, etc.   Anything to not remind us of "what was and what should be".  We did not change friends although we met new people on this journey.  We gained huge insight into the world of mental health issues and drug and other addiction issues and also developed a compassion and empathy for those living lives which before had been "foreign" to us.  Our journey was not in vain.

So, how did our son fare?  We were able to keep in touch with our grandchildren because we babysat without question, when asked (which was often).  After more than a decade of a farce of a marriage, our DIL left our son and abandoned her children.  He survived - at times I wondered if he would "break", but he didn't.  Now, he has remarried - things not perfect, but good.

I tell you this to give you hope.  My husband was the go-between concerning our son and his family (not me).  It caused far less friction.  Today I still see our son far less than my husband, but at least there is some connection.  We are quite close to our almost-adult grandchildren.   Please do not blame yourself for what happened - you could not have stopped the estrangement (maybe postponed it for a short while but not stop it).  I believe it is almost inevitable when BPD is present.  It is now up to your son and one day, I hope, things will be better.  So sorry ... .

[Notwendy]

jdm- your story also is in accordance with my childhood. There was a division between my BPD mother and my father's family. However, school holidays and summers were stressers for my mother as the kids were home all day. My father's family opened their homes and hearts to us. I am middle age now, but have a strong bond with my father's family and so do my children.

It is very sad, but I admire your strengths to let go and make changes in your lives to take care of you while continuing to be there for your grandchildren.

Although it is an adult who makes the decision to allow a spouse to divide the family, the children are innocent. I am so grateful for my father's family. So I support your decision to both move on for the sake of your own mental well being while keeping an open heart and door to the grandchildren- and your son should he choose to enter it.

I think having your husband be the go-between was wise. There must be something about another female being in their husband's life that is especially triggering.

[megmom]

Thank you all for your comments.  It is helpful to know we are not alone.  The big "fall out" came after their wedding last year with her believing we did not properly support them.  Although we tried to be as accommodating as possible and paid for a big chuck of the wedding.  I don't believe anything I did, in particular, was ever going to be right.  I do think the comment about my son having another female in his life was extremely threatening and triggering for her.

I am walking on eggshells and trying to be as open and loving as possible without exposing myself to more abuse as it's become extremely unhealthy for me.  As the saying goes, when she goes down, I try and go up and keep my integrity intact.  And put on my best teflon.  But it is ultimately, heart breaking and never in a million years did I EVER think I would have this situation with my son.  I wear a cross that he gave me the first year they were dating for Christmas and have kept the most beautiful, loving note he wrote to me when he gave it.  I believe it was that love that she just couldn't stand and had to bury.

But I agree moving on in the most healthy way, is the best thing to do.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi megmom:  

The big "fall out" came after their wedding last year with her believing we did not properly support them.  Although we tried to be as accommodating as possible and paid for a big chuck of the wedding.  I don't believe anything I did, in particular, was ever going to be right.

I think you are right, in that nothing you could have done would have been right in her eyes.  Most brides would be pleased to have the groom's family help pay for the wedding and then stay out of the brides business. 

Take care of yourself.    Hopefully, a door of opportunity opens in the future.  Let us know how things go.