Hello all!
I just found this as a resource today and have every intention on using it as often as I can. Huge thank you to the entire community for being so resourceful and helpful.
Some background information, should you like:
My ex was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago (we were together at the time). The entire relationship was push/pull, her feeling terribly about the way she treated me, us reaching our highest points of intimacy only for her to abruptly break up with me claiming that she needed to become a better version of herself (yet simultaneously admitting that she was running away), only to return back within time.
We were inseparable, practically living together and the best of friends. She told me she had never felt so loved in her life, cared for, had never been as comfortable with anyone, and, quite frankly, as I read more about the disorder, probably put me on a pedestal and idealized me, as she was always telling me how I was the most positive influence in her life.
As other major issues in her life other than the BPD began to unfold, our relationship disintegrated with us mutually parting ways in February for the time being, until she felt that she could handle the relationship sometime down the road. She constantly apologized for not being able to be there for me the way I was for her, though I knew this was never a choice. I was looking for a true commitment (as this is what the relationship started as) and she just couldn't offer it anymore being in that place.
We kept in touch for a while after and then she (characteristically) disappeared. We have mutual friends and I know she hasn't seriously dated anyone since, if at all (it's been eight months post-break). We have had some contact and she has always been more than receptive to me and hinted at the possibility of us reuniting in the future. I don't think she is really near where she needs to be yet, but she is lightyears beyond where she was.
So here's my question:
She recently described our situation to a mutual friend as the following quote:
"a bird and a fish can fall in love, but where do they build a home?"Naturally, this sent my head spinning, thinking of all the possibilities. At first, I thought it could have been something very surface level: the fact that we're in different social circles, like different kinds of music, dress a little differently (we're pretty alike though, actually), but then that doesn't necessarily make sense because we were together for so long and would always talk about how comfortable she felt with me - why is this only an issue now, eight months post-break?
My friend told me that it probably has more to do with our capabilities to love: I'm a rock and she's a runner, I'm mature and she needs to grow, I take issues on and she avoids, I take accountability and she blames, and so on.
I know that she is very aware of the way she treated me and came down on herself very hard for it... .I know that she avoids me due to anxiety and fear of another failure (and possible abandonment and/or engulfment, given the disorder), but still loves me deeply.
I guess my ultimate question is, when it comes to dealing with someone wBPD referencing that quote, does it give it a different spin? Do they often idealize their lovers and see themselves as "invaluable" versus them? Or incapable? She would often use very negative words to describe herself (bad, manipulative, not nice, etc.), though I never saw the validity in any of them.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated
