My best friend has BPD and gets funny when I find new relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am male, and my best friend of 10 years, is female, 40, who has borderline personality disorder. We have a fabulous emotional relationship, communicate almost daily, met many many times (we live 50 miles away). Never taken things any further, but have supported each other during good and bad times, and value our emotional connection. She has had three boyfriends over last decade, only lasting 6-9 months each, before it always blows up by conflict. I have been there for her, as she gets such low moods at times. My friend does show impulsively, emotional disturbances and gets big ups and down. We have fallen out in past, but always kissed and make up. I help her and send her little gifts at times. She did allude once that she worried if we had ever slept together she'd be worried it would ruin what we have. But sleeping together has never been an issue

Every time I have a liaison with someone new female, I do find she goes a bit funny with me, and b___y and silent, and disappears for weeks without trace. It upsets me that she can come and go so quickly.

Is this due to hating competition for my attention? Jealousy? Typical BPD?

What do I do about it?

[Gary2014]

I am male, and my best friend of 10 years, is female, 40, who has borderline personality disorder. We have a fabulous emotional relationship, communicate almost daily, met many many times (we live 50 miles away). Never taken things any further, but have supported each other during good and bad times, and value our emotional connection. She has had three boyfriends over last decade, only lasting 6-9 months each, before it always blows up by conflict. I have been there for her, as she gets such low moods at times. My friend does show impulsively, emotional disturbances and gets big ups and down. We have fallen out in past, but always kissed and make up. I help her and send her little gifts at times. She did allude once that she worried if we had ever slept together she'd be worried it would ruin what we have. But sleeping together has never been an issue

Every time I have a liaison with someone new female, I do find she goes a bit funny with me, and b___y and silent, and disappears for weeks without trace. It upsets me that she can come and go so quickly.

Is this due to hating competition for my attention? Jealousy? Typical BPD?

What do I do about it?

[Mutt]

Hi Gary2014,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. It sounds like you have a platonic r/s with her? I think that she probably knows that if turned romantic that she would lose you. Unstable and broken r/s's are a hallmark feature of BPD.

Every time I have a liaison with someone new female, I do find she goes a bit funny with me, and b___y and silent, and disappears for weeks without trace. It upsets me that she can come and go so quickly.

I would find that difficult too, maybe it's push / pull behavior or she's splitting. Is she angry and negative towards you just before she disappears disappears? Do you sense push / pull behavior, do you know about splitting?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Gary, Welcome!  The fear of abandonment is a consistent theme for those who suffer from BPD.  In my view, it's a good bet that her disappearing act is a function of that fear.  That it has happened before in response to the same situation -- you finding a romantic interest -- seems to confirm that it is a recurring pattern.  As to what you can or should do about it, validation is usually the best approach.

LuckyJim