Hi everyone!
I'm so glad to find this place. My boyfriend has BPD. We have been together for about two years, living together for about six months. I'm going to talk a lot about our history and where we are now... .just so you all know
We met online and immediately fell into a close connection. We have similar interests, and got along really well. Things chugged along extremely well for about three months, at which point he started acting strange and told me that he loved me. I was not quite ready to say that back to him, which I felt guilty about (not knowing at the time that he has BPD). When I confessed this to him, he pushed me away, saying he needed space. We were apart that first time for about two or three days, upon which we reconciled and he became very jealous of anything I did without him. A few weeks later, I went on holiday for a week with a friend, and when I returned, he confessed that he had a hard time being with people and wanted to just be friends. I did not want to be friends, so I told him that, and he lost it. I told him I would take some time to see if I could be his friend. He sent me weird little picture cut-outs of us together and cried whenever we met up. A few weeks into this break up, we reconciled for good.
For the last year and a half, we have been dating exclusively, but every few months is marked by a huge blow up. The worst came in September of 2015, when something happened at work while we were out at a party. He refused to talk to me or tell me what was wrong, leaving me alone at the party and then locking me out of his house when I finally got back there. We screamed at each other a lot, at which point he apologized. A few weeks later, he sent me a letter saying how confused he was about our relationship, indicating that he thought I was perfect in every way and he wanted to be at peace, but he just couldn't be. We talked about it, he calmed down, and moved on.
I will add here that he develops crushes VERY QUICKLY and his relationship pattern before we met was basically him falling into intense obsessions with different girls, only for them to reject him or for him to realize that the fantasy about them did not live up to the reality. He constantly says that he is seeking a ":)isney princess romance." When we met, he had built up an entire love story in his head with this girl at a coffee shop that he had never actually spoken to. Sometimes, he still brings her up when he is isolating himself.
One night in January 2016, he told me that he was still having doubts about different things, and when I said that I understood, he started to talk about us getting married, asking what kind of ring I wanted and where I wanted him to propose. Later that night, I told him that I loved him, and he freaked out and left for three days. After we reconciled, he immediately wanted to plan a vacation, so we went to the Caribbean for a week a few weeks later. It was really fun, and we had a good period of about four months after that.
In April, I got angry with him while out to breakfast one day (we were at breakfast, and he took a work call the entire time -- 1.5 hours) and since then, the push-pull nature of the relationship has been about every month, rather than every several months. Often during these times, he tells me that he is unsure if our relationship is even worthwhile, often repeating that he's looking for a fairy tale, only to come down from that and tell me that he loves me and not to be sad and to be overly loving and adoring.
About a week ago, the most significant episode so far happened. That morning, we woke up, had sex, ate ice cream, had a great morning. He had been talking about buying a house together the day before. During the day, he was triggered by something -- I still don't know exactly what it is. He stopped speaking to me and disappeared for several hours. He returned home late at night and when we woke up the next morning, he told me how much he hated everyone in his life (family, friends, etc -- I was not on the list). Then, he told me he wanted to break up. Since I'm used to this, I started to talk to him about it, to see what was really going on. He refused to speak about it and finally I told him that this constant push and pull was hurting me and causing me anxiety. At this point, he freaked out, screamed at me to get the ___ out of our house, called me crazy, and threw a book at the wall behind my head. I was so upset that I left the state to go stay with my parents.
Two days into this break up, he called to apologize and offer an olive branch (he has never before apologized to me). I told him I still needed time, and two days later, he called to ask me if I wanted to book tickets to Africa with him. When I finally returned home, he refused to speak to me for the first thirty minutes, before we were able to have a more normal conversation about everything.
Now let me give a little more background about him. He is diagnosed but NOT in treatment. He also has a bit of OCD (coin flipping, needing to take certain paths, etc). The constant push and pull with me is one thing, but he also has it with all of his close family members and any friends who have stuck around. Truly, he doesn't really have any friends. His parents, brother and sister-in-law, and I all often feel sick to our stomachs when he is around -- mainly because we don't know what we will get. For instance, last week, when I was out of the state after he kicked me out, he screamed at his parents for emasculating him and ___ing up his childhood, only to ask them to collaborate together on an art project this week. He similarly disparages his brother and anyone he is marginally close to. This is a pattern throughout his life -- everyone always says that when he walks into a room, you never know if you will get happy-go-lucky personality, or angry, screaming, heart-breaking personality. He is heart-breakingly mean when he is in his push stage. When he is in his pull stage, there is no one kinder. If he's particularly bad into his push stage, he loses grips on reality (the Disney princess thing), but when he comes down, he is always able to better articulate his feelings. For instance, while he still harbors doubts about whether or not I am a Disney princess, he says that our relationship is the one thing grounding his life.
Anyways... .long rant. I just need help. Thanks, everyone, for reading.
