Validation is helping

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So been working hard at the validation the last couple days and it definitely seems to have made a difference, less daggers being shot my way, things are calmer. And we had a good discussion about the kids and some school issues. It is a very lonely realtionship (for both of us Im sure) however. Ive realize there is no way I am going to get over the prostitutes, but dont know how to unravel a relationship of 14 years and two gorgeous kids yet. There I said it. I know I need out.  Had to come down here and type instead of blowing up at him for playing the Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" over and over and over. Lyrics "noone knows what its like to be the bad man, the sad man, behind blue eyes. noone knows what its like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies etc etc", So freaking self indulgent. He lies and cheats and then feels sorry for himself. Anyway, walked away instead of blowing up and telling him to turn it off.  Step in the right direction. Now if I can just get to where there is no need for me to blow up... .

[Annie99]

So been working hard at the validation the last couple days and it definitely seems to have made a difference, less daggers being shot my way, things are calmer. And we had a good discussion about the kids and some school issues. It is a very lonely realtionship (for both of us Im sure) however. Ive realize there is no way I am going to get over the prostitutes, but dont know how to unravel a relationship of 14 years and two gorgeous kids yet. There I said it. I know I need out.  Had to come down here and type instead of blowing up at him for playing the Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" over and over and over. Lyrics "noone knows what its like to be the bad man, the sad man, behind blue eyes. noone knows what its like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies etc etc", So freaking self indulgent. He lies and cheats and then feels sorry for himself. Anyway, walked away instead of blowing up and telling him to turn it off.  Step in the right direction. Now if I can just get to where there is no need for me to blow up... .

[ArleighBurke]

Congrats!

Learning and applying Validation is a hard skill - it's great to see it's making things easier. I'm sure as you heal, and have time to breathe, your path fowards will be clear.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Annie-

And the next verse is:

"But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free"

So what's in those dreams?  And the loneliness you mention is in there too.

I'm sorry you're in that.  Can you give us an example of the validation you've been using?

[Annie99]

So what's in those dreams is a good question fromheeltoheal. Our T has asked him numerous times, "What do you want?", and he cant answer. Basically our whole marriage he has been leading second lives, one with me, and then me and the kids, and a second one that includes porn, prostitutes and eventually an emotional affair. The porn has been going on since before we were married, I only found out about it when the emails from the emotional affair were revealed. He likes to tell himself, and me and the T. that the porn was just a normal man thing, but I'm convinced it is the reason we never had a good sex life, and even the reason why he doesn't like to go away on holidays for more than a couple days at a time.

I am not blameless in the problems in our marriage. I realize how dismissive I have been of him over the years. And angry (which is his justification for the prostitutes). Since learning he is probably BPD and reading about it, I have been working on the validation from little things (good idea to add water to that before microwaving) to bigger things (I think how you handled that really well with our son.). I always withheld any validation in the past - trying to think about why I did this- its very messed up but we turned each other into our worst nightmares - me into his critical, dismissive mother... .him into my emotionless father.  The other weird part is, is that when I am angry at him, he is nice to me.  I have been working so hard over the last month to not be angry, and when I am, he is cold and distant to me. The couple times I have become angry, he immediately tries to get closer to me. Makes me wonder if I didnt intrinsically realize this over the years which contirbuted to my angry self. Man, are we messed up.

Despite coming to all these realizations, I feel it is too late for us. The trust is gone for me. And because I am no longer angry, he is very cold and distant with me. I dont sleep with him, he goes to bed as soon as I put the kids to bed, to his porn I suspect. Anyway, continuing to work on me and trying hard to not control him.

[fromheeltoheal]

I always withheld any validation in the past - trying to think about why I did this- its very messed up but we turned each other into our worst nightmares - me into his critical, dismissive mother... .him into my emotionless father.

Interesting and really good awareness there Annie.

The other weird part is, is that when I am angry at him, he is nice to me.  I have been working so hard over the last month to not be angry, and when I am, he is cold and distant to me. The couple times I have become angry, he immediately tries to get closer to me. Makes me wonder if I didnt intrinsically realize this over the years which contirbuted to my angry self. Man, are we messed up.

Consider that, from a borderline's perspective, when you're angry it indicates to him that an emotional attachment is still in place, and therefore you won't abandon him, the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, and when you don't get angry, it can indicate you're tuned out, he no longer matters, impending abandonment.  Any emotional involvement can indicate an attachment, although anger is easier to access sometimes so we may go there more often.

[formflier]

First of all... .good job on validation!   

Even better job on looking at patterns (such as you are angry and he grows close).   You seem to understand the dysfunctional dynamic.  It's going to take some time to work through you not being angry for him to identify and get comfortable with the new you.  Stay stay strong... .it will be worth it.   

Despite coming to all these realizations, I feel it is too late for us. The trust is gone for me. 

Can I implore you to separate your issues into "buckets". 

Validation in one bucket... .when you work on that... .only work on that.

Trust in another bucket

Relationship as co-parents in another.

Etc etc.

You have relatively big issues to sort out.  Combining buckets makes the issues bigger than they need to be.  Keep things manageable.

Last... .stay present.  "Right now" the trust is gone.  Don't predict the future.  You have enough on your plate at the moment.  Tomorrow can worry about itself!   

FF

[Annie99]

Wow, best advice I've had in a long time formflier. You're right, I work on things in a very mixed bucket - even when I am validating, I think to myself, why am I doing this? I don't even trust him.  Am going to work on separating out all the issues.  Thank-you.

[formflier]

 
Long term motivation:  You guys have a child together.  So, very likely there will be a r/s between you two, regardless of status of marriage.

So... .

Again... .separate buckets.  Validation and learning to speak and handle issues with him is a good skill.  The "trust" and "romantic" part of the r/s can get handled some other time. 

Put another way... .would you rather make parenting decisions with someone you know how to speak effectively to/with... .? 

Hope this helps.  You are on the right track... .keep it up.

FF