Does the borderline male 'hook' you by bringing on sex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Apparently most BP's are female. I'm male, I worked for years as an 'erotic dancer'. I enjoy sex and pushing the boundaries of sex. When I met my borderline it felt like I'd finally met someone who could keep up with me in the bedroom. Therein was my initial 'hook'. I'm new on here but reading through the many posts, it appears I'm not alone. As a man you meet a hot chick who instantly idolises you and takes you to new heights sexually. It's euphoric, addictive even. My therapist once said borderlines don't so much take off their clothes when they sleep with you but more 'take off their skin'. Certainly, that was my experience. We guys can be very easily led and influenced by a girl that impresses in that way. Therefore, we are then hooked.

Having worked on the fringes of the sex industry for a while, I know the female dynamic is a bit different. I'm guessing that the borderline male doesn't impress and 'hook' by bringing on heightened orgasms. However, judging by the posts the borderline male has wrecked just as much havoc and destruction upon the lives of non-bp females as the borderline females have done to us non-bp males. Clearly though, the dynamic must be a little different at the outset. I was curious as to how the borderline male 'hooks' his 'victims' ? I was hoping some of my fellow sufferers of the female variety could shed some light ?

[tafkas]

Apparently most BP's are female. I'm male, I worked for years as an 'erotic dancer'. I enjoy sex and pushing the boundaries of sex. When I met my borderline it felt like I'd finally met someone who could keep up with me in the bedroom. Therein was my initial 'hook'. I'm new on here but reading through the many posts, it appears I'm not alone. As a man you meet a hot chick who instantly idolises you and takes you to new heights sexually. It's euphoric, addictive even. My therapist once said borderlines don't so much take off their clothes when they sleep with you but more 'take off their skin'. Certainly, that was my experience. We guys can be very easily led and influenced by a girl that impresses in that way. Therefore, we are then hooked.

Having worked on the fringes of the sex industry for a while, I know the female dynamic is a bit different. I'm guessing that the borderline male doesn't impress and 'hook' by bringing on heightened orgasms. However, judging by the posts the borderline male has wrecked just as much havoc and destruction upon the lives of non-bp females as the borderline females have done to us non-bp males. Clearly though, the dynamic must be a little different at the outset. I was curious as to how the borderline male 'hooks' his 'victims' ? I was hoping some of my fellow sufferers of the female variety could shed some light ?

[insideoutside]

For me it was all about the charm Tafkas; smooth talking and charm as he isn't what I would consider a looker at all.  I still fell for it 26 years later even in a friendship capacity.  

The sex wasn't off the charts but from what I can remember it was decent enough, if not strange at times but I was young and impressionable so didn't have much to compare him to plus he was taking drugs (lots of LSD and E's) which I attributed to his 'performance'.  Can't tell you what he is like now he is older as we were just friends.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Tafkas, it seems to me as if BPD hasn't been studied as much in males and I believe males tend to be diagnosed with narcissism and antisocial pds rather than BPD. I found my ex extremely attractive sexually and I suppose you could describe it as hook because I found him pretty irresistible. I loved that he was passionate, and thought it was our chemistry only later did I realise that he uses sex as a way to feel the void inside of himself just as he does with alcohol and drugs. He turned out to be hypersexual, promiscuous, a cheat and he was addicted to porn. When we broke up he tried his best to persuade me to sleep with him, probably knowing the bonding effect this would have on me, but I managed to resist. It was difficult, but I'd had enough of the chaos and was already so damaged I wasn't prepared to let him do anymore. Sex also became quite mechanical, lacking intimacy, with him worried about his performance and physical size. He also used sex to control me and would push me away. I once woke up to find a pillow lodged between us. Obviously I'd been painted black overnight, but didn't have a clue at the time. He accused me of using him for sex too at one point and sometimes had difficulty which he blamed on me. Soul destroying really.

[steelwork]

Hard to say. The sex was really special for me because there was a super-high level of sexual attraction. Also a heightened feeling of intimacy and trust, beyond what I recall with anyone else. I can identify with the "taking off their skin" comment. So it wasn't about going to new places sexually so much as going deeper into ourselves.

Your ex may have simply been more compatible with your sexual style than others lovers you've had, or she may have been more invested in pleasing you, or she may have been taking on some of your sexual identity to fill a void within herself?


Incidentally, it's been put into question (I want to say debunked) whether there are more female pwBPD after all. They probably just get diagnosed at a higher rate, for various reasons.

[jasmine-1234]

Hi tafkas

I was involved with a BPD male.  Sorry I wasn't clear are you involved with a BPD male as well?

I think they are all different. I too am 'alternative' sexually, well maybe addictively as I'm working on my alcoholism as well.

I guess I can say here since it's anonymous, that I was also an 'exotic dancer' trying to make ends meet. One time early on in the relationship I went to a job. He had such a hard time with it, when I came to see him after he had done so many drugs to deal with his pain he was passed out with his head on the coffee table and lit cigarette in hand. It made me so sad and guilty feeling that I quit the job. 

I was also involved in the polyamourous scene. I gave up those friends and parties too. He hooked me by talking about all this romantic love stuff, and that the universe brought us together.  I really believed it too!  At the time I met him, I was being pretty promiscuous and not very happy that guys were just calling me for late night booty calls. So I guess it was a good set up for me to fall into his BPD thinking.

After only 2 months he gave me an engagement ring. We talked about promise rings, mostly to keep people from hitting on us at the bars.  It totally shocked me.  But of course I wanted to make it work, no one ever gave me a ring before!  Seriously though, it was a strange feeling of happiness and... .this doesn't seem right.

As time went on I gave up more and more things, friends etc.  I kept thinking if I stayed home with him he'd feel more secure. You can read my story on "Just changed the locks on my door".  The last straw though was he got so upset that I sat on a girlfriends lap at my birthday.  I decided there was only so much I could change. I couldn't keep giving up more and more parts of my personality that I had worked on being comfortable with.

I don't know if any of this helps. I'm happy to share more... .

[jasmine-1234]

Oh I forgot to address your question.  Our sex was good... .but he would emphasize that he wasn't "using me for sex" like the other people were. He was "making love" to me.  It was very sweet. But as time went on the sex and physical affection got less and less, which was disappointing because his tantrums were more and more haha.  The good/bad balance was tipping more towards bad. 

I still can't really figure out if some of the things were because he felt hurt by them or he was trying to control me.  He made me throw out all of my sex toys I used with other people. I guess I thought this was reasonable, but some of the things he threw out when I wasn't looking. I tried not to be mad, but figured this was all part of being "monogomous" which I hadn't done in so long.

I hadn't even realized... .He completely emptied out this box I had of toys and stuff.  I never saw him do it.  He would take things down the street and dump them in a public trash can, so I couldn't try to fish them out!  I actually just found the other day a huge box of condoms I bought a long time ago, he hid them way back under the bathroom sink! O M G just don't even know what to think about that.

I try not to think that him giving me the ring was just a big trap

[tafkas]

Thanks for sharing ladies. Jasmine-1234 - I'm a man and was with a borderline female for nine years.

The responses are are all very interesting and seem to highlight what I was suspecting. Your experiences feel quite different to mine but with some overlaps. When I talk with men it sounds like our borderline partners were all made to the same specification in a factory somewhere ! That is to say there is an uncanny similarity.

I agree, I suspect the research on the differences between the borderline sexes is not that developed and when it is it may show quite marked differences. For example, my borderline was not in the least bit charming. She was far from assertive. I can't imagine a scenario whereby she would ever propose, for example. Instead, it would be my fault for not having proposed. In fact it was my fault in the end because having proposed I hadn't made enough effort to organise the wedding. Maybe it was, but she hadn't either so that was my fault too ! She didn't so much make love but preferred to be f***ed to within an inch of her life. It was my fault that whilst financially planning for our future I hadn't bought her a car. Using mine was not sufficient. Most of these things which I mention were my fault, were not to start with but true to a borderline cycle they became my fault. I think we all agree however, the end result was tragic.

[jasmine-1234]

Thanks for sharing! Yes it's been interesting to hear the stories of the BPD women as mine was male.  The gender roles are different.  That sounds so hard being forced into giving her a ring!  In some ways some of the women seem harder.  I feel lucky in some ways that my ex was faithful to me, he demanded it of me as well.  I can only imagine living through all of this and the BPD partner cheating too, which comes out in a lot of these stories.  

The strange thing is... .which I hate to admit, that I was sometimes physical on my ex. Maybe because he's a guy and definitely could overpower me. He put up with it, he actually told me it didn't bother him. I feel incredibly guilty about this now, but in hindsight I think he knew not a lot of people would be with him so he felt he had to put up with my abuse.  More often I would break things and do things like slam doors to make my point.  I'm sure it's much different if it's the female BPD putting up with abuse.

In any case really interesting to see the differences and similarities.  

I had often attributed his Black/White thinking to his southern upbringing and Christianity!  He would say things like: it's just not right.  Some of his friends even noticed too... .they couldn't understand why he proposed so early to a "stripper" and they told him so many ugly things.  I felt bad for him!  He wanted everyone to be happy about the engagement and if they weren't he disowned them as friends... .

I'm thinking too that women and men get 'hooked' in different ways.  Probably straight men get more hooked by sex, whereas women get hooked more by romance and "love".  

Interesting though that we were both more open sexually and these relationships are the complete opposite!  It felt like I was in prison!

Oh and speaking of cars... .my ex didn't even have a drivers license. I wanted him to get his and this was such a struggle!  Shouldn't a 31 yr old man have a drivers license?  I even made him all the appointments, and when he was supposed to take the test, I drove from about half hour away to take him to the DMV.  Right when I got home about an hour before the test, he told me he didn't want to take it cause he was too stressed out! WOW made me furious!

Thanks for listening!

[SoMadSoSad]

Thanks for sharing! Yes it's been interesting to hear the stories of the BPD women as mine was male.  The gender roles are different.  That sounds so hard being forced into giving her a ring!  In some ways some of the women seem harder.  I feel lucky in some ways that my ex was faithful to me, he demanded it of me as well.  I can only imagine living through all of this and the BPD partner cheating too, which comes out in a lot of these stories.  

The strange thing is... .which I hate to admit, that I was sometimes physical on my ex. Maybe because he's a guy and definitely could overpower me. He put up with it, he actually told me it didn't bother him. I feel incredibly guilty about this now, but in hindsight I think he knew not a lot of people would be with him so he felt he had to put up with my abuse.  More often I would break things and do things like slam doors to make my point.  I'm sure it's much different if it's the female BPD putting up with abuse.

In any case really interesting to see the differences and similarities.  

I had often attributed his Black/White thinking to his southern upbringing and Christianity!  He would say things like: it's just not right.  Some of his friends even noticed too... .they couldn't understand why he proposed so early to a "stripper" and they told him so many ugly things.  I felt bad for him!  He wanted everyone to be happy about the engagement and if they weren't he disowned them as friends... .

I'm thinking too that women and men get 'hooked' in different ways.  Probably straight men get more hooked by sex, whereas women get hooked more by romance and "love".  

Interesting though that we were both more open sexually and these relationships are the complete opposite!  It felt like I was in prison!

Oh and speaking of cars... .my ex didn't even have a drivers license. I wanted him to get his and this was such a struggle!  Shouldn't a 31 yr old man have a drivers license?  I even made him all the appointments, and when he was supposed to take the test, I drove from about half hour away to take him to the DMV.  Right when I got home about an hour before the test, he told me he didn't want to take it cause he was too stressed out! WOW made me furious!

Thanks for listening!

That anger might be something to look at. Have you talked to anyone like a therapist to work on your part in the relationship especially the abuse?

[jasmine-1234]

Yes i have just started therapy again with my old therapist.  I feel really ashamed about it.  It came out more than ever in this relationship.  It's sad to say I must have learned bad communication from my parents, my dad was abusive. 

[SoMadSoSad]

You made mistakes... .no WE ALL made mistakes. Nobody is perfect. The important thing is that you are working on those problems to become better. My ex knew how to push my buttons also and get me to be angry. I am usually very very good at controlling my emotions compared to others but she would get me to show a little bit of my anger.