Looking for support

[Amomof2]

A few years ago my therapist suggested that my mom might have border line personality. When I looked into it, bells and whistles went off. I grew up with such unpredictability. She would fly off the handle for what appeared to be small things. Her emotions run her show. Now she is appreciative and proud of me one moment and the next she is screaming and blaming me for something she can't remember I did. I can't tell her about my life without her criticism or instantly thinking of herself and interrupting and going off about herself. I need advice on creating boundaries when she gets into the downward spiral mode. Lately she is hanging up on me, snapping at me, not acknowledging her granddaughters birthday. She wants me to still keep an engagement with her. Do you think I should still go and ignore her hurtful behavior or set the limit and say no because of how she's acted, wait til she gets in a better place? Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi Amomof2

Welcome to bpdfamily. A few years ago your therapist suggested your mom might have BPD. This is quite a challenging disorder, being raised by a BPD parent can be very difficult and confusing for a child.

Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknowledged or shown an understanding that there might be something wrong with her behavior?

Being abused is very unpleasant and exposing yourself to hurtful behavior generally isn't something to be advised. When dealing with BPD family-members the likelihood of being exposed to this type of behavior unfortunately will be higher. Though we cannot change our BPD family-members, we can change our own behavior and how we respond to them. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is key as it helps us protect (and preserve) our own well-being. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with people? We have an article about this subject that you might find helpful:
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

We also describe several communication techniques on this site that can be helpful. These structured ways of communicating help decrease the likelihood of (further) conflict, while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. The techniques also help us stay more calm ourselves, one of them is called S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

Have you heard of this technique before? You can read more about it here:
S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I encourage you to keep posting and reading here. I have found that participating on these boards and studying the resources has greatly benefited me in my interactions with my uBPD (undiagnosed BPD) family-members and also difficult people in general.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Amomof2! 

Let me join the Board Parrot in welcoming you to our online family. 

I'm really glad that you have been in T, and that you are learning about BPD, but I am sad that this has been a part of your like, even as it has for most of the members here. This is a very tough PD to have to deal with. It was such a relief to me when I read about BPD and realized that this is the name for what I always knew was wrong with my uBPDm but never knew what to call it. Did you feel relief when you found out about it too? What have you read that has helped you in your discoveries?

A helpful book that you may want to read is Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberle Roth and Freda Friedman. You can read the book review here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0

This particular book has been very enlightening to me, and there are many exercises that you can work through in the book.

Kwamina has also listed some great resources that are very helpful. I hope you keep coming back to read and post and let us know how you are doing. We all learn so much from one another.

 
Wools