Borderline Mother owns 51% of family company - needs help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't know where to start but my mom is 100% borderline and I'm trying to help my dad navigate some very very stormy waters with her all while he is healing from a major medical procedure that has left him weak and scared. I'm an attorney practicing for my family's company and she recently accused me of some very awful unethical things that are not true and after showing her hard facts that dispute her claims she has taken it a step further and begun telling my family and co-workers these lies... .it's a bad situation getting worse every day. I want to help her so we can all move on and co-exist at a minimum but I'm not sure how to proceed because she doesn't realize that  she has a problem at all or that her interpretation of the "facts"  are totally skewed and based on her paranoid feelings. Looking for advice in how to intervene or confront a loved one so that they get the help they need... .and tips so that I don't lose my mind in the meantime.

[QB0821]

I don't know where to start but my mom is 100% borderline and I'm trying to help my dad navigate some very very stormy waters with her all while he is healing from a major medical procedure that has left him weak and scared. I'm an attorney practicing for my family's company and she recently accused me of some very awful unethical things that are not true and after showing her hard facts that dispute her claims she has taken it a step further and begun telling my family and co-workers these lies... .it's a bad situation getting worse every day. I want to help her so we can all move on and co-exist at a minimum but I'm not sure how to proceed because she doesn't realize that  she has a problem at all or that her interpretation of the "facts"  are totally skewed and based on her paranoid feelings. Looking for advice in how to intervene or confront a loved one so that they get the help they need... .and tips so that I don't lose my mind in the meantime.

[Mutt]

Hi QB0821,  



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

she doesn't realize that  she has a problem at all or that her interpretation of the "facts"  are totally skewed and based on her paranoid feelings.

You're right. Feeling equals facts to a pwBPD, where feeling are followed by facts to the non disordered. A pwBPD will also dissociate and alter reality to match their out of place feelings. Reality is debatable, emotions and feelings are real. How she interprets reality is real to her just as our reality is to us,.

I don't have a parent with BPD, I have an ex with BPD traits. I can relate with how frustrating and emotionally exausting it is when we're trying to reason logic with someone that is mentally ill, it helps to learn about the disorder because we can better understand why our loved one acts the way that they do and depersonalize the behaviors. The behaviors are not personal to us.

One of the most usual tools that I learned here is to not JADE. Don't justify, argue, defend or explain. If my ex believes that the sky is red I won't argue with her, if she's feeling out of control with something that is going on in her life and she tries to bait, I don't respond. Not JADE'ing stops the conflict  before it starts, it doesn't escalate and leave us frustrated.

How self aware is your mom? Does she blame everyone for her circumstances? It's difficult to manage things when we're feeling run down. What do you for self care? Do you have a family member or friend in real life that you can confide in?  I'm glad that you decided to join us, many of our members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk.

Don't  "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

[drained1996]

 
 QB0821, I'd like to join Mutt in welcoming you to the site.  I know what it's like to deal with a mother with a PD... .it's sad and draining.  Communicating with a borderline can be tough, especially if productivity is the goal.  Click on the tools bar at the top of the page to find some helpful tips in that arena.  You can't change her, but you can change your techniques in communicating with her that may help. 
Is your dad aware you expect your mother suffers from BPD, or has she been diagnosed? 
Give us a little more background... .the more we know the more we can input.  It also is therapeutic to share I have found.  You've found the right place to share and educate yourself.  Just remember to take care of you in this process, dealing with a pwBPD is very mentally and emotionally draining.  We look forward to hearing more.