How do I talk to my friend?

[chris123]

My friend calls from the hospital, is going to treatment for heroin and coke, has been in and out of jail.

While she's in the hospital she tells me, "I want to have another baby" (she has two with an estranged father). I don't think that's abnormal.

I tell her she's got a lot with her recovery. If she jumps in she won't succeed at any of it, and will cause probs. for the kid.

Out of curiosity, knowing she has 2 kids, I ask why.

The answer is what disturbed me.

"I never got to raise a baby. I missed out on all those moments of being a mom."

She was speaking as if the child is there for her entertainment, and not considering the fact she's coming off drugs, needs to get her life together, and has 2 kids already she needs to work on being responsible for.

The fact these kids are affected by not having a mom, and need some attention and priority, didn't even make it to her thought factoring process.

That level of detachment from the thoughts/feelings/needs of others disturbs me, not so much for her - she's free to make her choices - but for deciding to bring lives in which will be affected.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome chris123: 

It is sad about the situation with your friend.  Who cares for and has custody of her two children?  Her parents? 

Has your friend been diagnosed with BPD?  Is there mental illness and/or drug addiction in her family?

Let's hope she doesn't find someone in rehab to procreate with.  Unfortunately, there is no way to prevent her from getting pregnant again.  Someone needs to lead her to the reality that she is a poor parent to her current children and it would be cruel to have another child.  It would be beneficial if she could discuss this with a therapist. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Chris123

The account you give does seem to be of someone that lacks empathy. Thankfully you do seem to have a sensible view on all this.

Has your friend being diagnosed with BPD ? Those with BPD often act impulsively, do you think this was an impulsive thought, or has she fixed her mind on it ?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Chris123,

Welcome to our online family!   I'm glad that you shared this story with us about your friend. It helps to connect with others who will also be able to pick up on the concerns you have. Oftentimes when I speak with others who've not had a pwBPD in their lives, they tend to put us off, not take us seriously. For example, what could be wrong with having another baby and wanting to be a mom? 

You grasp the deeper meaning and concern though. Kudos to you for being so aware, and for being compassionate for those little ones.  You are absolutely right that they DO need care and love and that it isn't about the mom but it is about raising healthy children to be healthy adults who can break the cycles of abuse and dysfunction.

How is your friend doing in rehab? I hope the children are safe. Do keep in touch as you can. There are many helpful resources on this site and lots of others who have had interactions similar to those you are having with your friend.

 
Wools

[isilme]

The very reasons you listed as disturbing about your friend's thought process for reasons to have another child are the very reasons I am Child Free by Choice. 

I believe now in my late 30s that my mother saw me as a way to relive her failures and do better, and also so she'd have a "wubby" to comfort her, take are of her, and provide for her.  The fact that those feelings inverted our relationship never factored for her, nor did the fact that I became HER mother when I was still in grade school and it only got worse, to a point where I need NC to stay myself.  I was way too enmeshed in her and too responsible in my mind for her actions and feelings. 

I think in the case of your friend, it may sound mean, but appealing to her more selfish side may be your best option.  ":)o you want to risk gaining so much weight?"  ":)o you remember how much you felt sick, it hurt, you couldn't sleep, etc?"  Appealing to her via things that she found unsatisfactory about motherhood and pregnancy may not get much traction, but it might bounce around in her head a little.  Or it may not.  Jut remember she will most likely take your logic and turn it on its head just to spite you, and may get pregnant if she can to "show" anyone who told her it was a bad idea.

And sadly, since she is a legal adult, you cannot stop her from procreating.  If she develops a fixation that another child will "fix" her sadness, depression, or substance abuse, it's up to a counselor to address it.  Can you talk to her therapist about your own concerns?

pwBPD seem to be arrested in emotional development, sometimes functioning really well, sometimes little better than toddlers.  And when a toddler wants something, it's really hard to directly talk them out of it - you need to be creative, distract, and persevere for any hope of success, and they still may insist on ice cream for dinner, or run off stating how much they hate you.