Need Help

[helpinghimorme]

I was in an 11 year relationship with my partner (which just ended) who I just cannot understand.  He habitually cheats and lies and makes everything my fault when he cheats.  He has again cheated on me and gave many reason as to why: no one respects him, I don't show him enough attention and appreciation, I am always busy, the sex is always my way.  We just bought a house two years ago, took out a HELCO loan for him to redo the house as he is brilliant in this, and bought two newer vehicles.  We spent a tremendous amount of time together over the summer with the kids and alone or with friends.  I then took our daughter to an overnight tournament stay and he cheated... .again, maybe fifth time that I know of.  I was so sure that our life was perfect and then this!  I cannot understand why he continues to self-destruct when it seems like I am on cloud nine.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi helpinghimorme,

Has your relationship ended like this before? I can only imagine how hard it must be to deal with the cheating. Is he diagnosed BPD? After he cheats, is he remorseful?

What are some of the BPD behaviors that he exhibits?

I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.

LnL

[helpinghimorme]

Yes, when the relationship ends, it is always like this.  Three years ago he started working out of town and the phone calls home stopped.  He then left with her and was gone for a month.  Again, there were no signs, he just started spewing to me everything that was wrong with me and that I was the reason he had to leave. 

I never really see remorse.  He tends to blame me for everything and says that I will never understand or see it from his point of view.  He says he isn't going to stay in a relationship out of comfort.  As soon as our relationship heals, he cheats again.  The drinking gets bad, he punches walls and breaks doors, he leads me to believe that he wants his life to be over and then tells me he is miserable and that I made him that way.  At the same time he is telling me how depressed he is, he is sitting at the bar texting his affair partner.  It is just a vicious cycle that we go through.  He also seems very jealous of the time that I spend with our children.