Don't want my BPD mom to live w/my family any more

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,
I'm new here, and this is my first post. My mom has BPD, diagnosed by a psychologist who I managed to get her to go see one time about 15 years ago. I'll try to explain the history as briefly as possible, but where I'm at now is this:

My husband and I are 42, going through marital difficulties unrelated to my mom, we have a 4-yr-old daughter and 2-yr-old son. My mom is 81 and has lived with us for the past 10 years because she couldn't afford to live on her own when she retired at age 72.

She is what I would describe as a high-functioning BPD. Her behaviors are continuing and haven't changed even though we've sat down with her multiple times and explained their inappropriateness, and we've enlisted the help of other trusted people to talk with her as well. This weekend, my husband asked his sister to do us a favor and come over and babysit our kids for a few hours so that we could talk privately about some of our marriage issues. My SIL graciously agreed and came right over. While she was at our house, my mom verbally attacked my sister-in-law (unprovoked, of course) about SILs boyfriend, who my mom doesn't like.

That was the last straw. I don't want her to live with us any more, because it's not healthy. When I was growing up, I had no choice but to live with her. But now I'm an adult, and I do have a choice, and what the heck am I thinking putting my children in the same situation that I was forced to endure growing up? We've tried for 10 years, and she doesn't change. She continues being verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative, and of course in her mind she is never the problem, someone else (usually me, though she's also started to turn on my husband lately) always is the problem in her eyes.

We have a great option for her - a small 2-bed, 1-bath rental property we own that is currently vacant and is only 2 miles from our house. She doesn't want to live there though because it doesn't meet her standards (it's perfectly nice and in a good neighborhood) and she doesn't want to live alone. She's able to do all of her activities of daily living and she still drives. We would pay the mortgage and utilities. The only expenses she would have are the ones she currently has - insurance and gas for her car, any food she wants to buy, any dining out she wants to do, any clothes she wants to buy.

However, I struggle with the guilt of making her return to living by herself. I'm her only child and she is an only child, so there is no other family to take her in. She absolutely does not want to live by herself, but we're not living in a healthy way. We feel like we can't invite anyone over to our own home because we never know what she will say to offend them. We can't even dog-sit for a friend in an emergency, because the last time we did (the friend's uncle had a stroke and the friend needed to leave town quickly to be with him), my mom told me in front of our 2-year-old that she was going to kick the dog into the pool. (The dog was 7 years old, very sweet and friendly, no trouble at all.)

Recently, my daughter cried one day as I dropped her off at day care. I didn't know what was wrong. It turned out that she was not listening to my mom while I was getting ready for work that morning, and my mom told her she was going to find another little girl to be her grand-daughter. My daughter thought that meant we would send her (my daughter) away, and she was devastated.

I could go on with dozens upon dozens of similar stories just from the past 10 years, not to mention all the drama from when I grew up. She's not only difficult with us, but she's destroyed most of her closest friendships with her behaviors.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting her to live with us any more? I'm trying to set healthy limits, which isn't something I have a lot of experience with and am not great with. On one hand, I feel like a horribly selfish person. On the other hand, I keep thinking "Think about your children. Give them the best chance you can for a normal, healthy upbringing."

For what it's worth, the psychologist we saw advised against letting her move in with us and told me that if we did, I'd need therapy for the rest of her life. Really wishing now that I had taken his advice to heart... .

Thanks for reading.

Rebecca

[RebeccaR2016]

Hello,
I'm new here, and this is my first post. My mom has BPD, diagnosed by a psychologist who I managed to get her to go see one time about 15 years ago. I'll try to explain the history as briefly as possible, but where I'm at now is this:

My husband and I are 42, going through marital difficulties unrelated to my mom, we have a 4-yr-old daughter and 2-yr-old son. My mom is 81 and has lived with us for the past 10 years because she couldn't afford to live on her own when she retired at age 72.

She is what I would describe as a high-functioning BPD. Her behaviors are continuing and haven't changed even though we've sat down with her multiple times and explained their inappropriateness, and we've enlisted the help of other trusted people to talk with her as well. This weekend, my husband asked his sister to do us a favor and come over and babysit our kids for a few hours so that we could talk privately about some of our marriage issues. My SIL graciously agreed and came right over. While she was at our house, my mom verbally attacked my sister-in-law (unprovoked, of course) about SILs boyfriend, who my mom doesn't like.

That was the last straw. I don't want her to live with us any more, because it's not healthy. When I was growing up, I had no choice but to live with her. But now I'm an adult, and I do have a choice, and what the heck am I thinking putting my children in the same situation that I was forced to endure growing up? We've tried for 10 years, and she doesn't change. She continues being verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative, and of course in her mind she is never the problem, someone else (usually me, though she's also started to turn on my husband lately) always is the problem in her eyes.

We have a great option for her - a small 2-bed, 1-bath rental property we own that is currently vacant and is only 2 miles from our house. She doesn't want to live there though because it doesn't meet her standards (it's perfectly nice and in a good neighborhood) and she doesn't want to live alone. She's able to do all of her activities of daily living and she still drives. We would pay the mortgage and utilities. The only expenses she would have are the ones she currently has - insurance and gas for her car, any food she wants to buy, any dining out she wants to do, any clothes she wants to buy.

However, I struggle with the guilt of making her return to living by herself. I'm her only child and she is an only child, so there is no other family to take her in. She absolutely does not want to live by herself, but we're not living in a healthy way. We feel like we can't invite anyone over to our own home because we never know what she will say to offend them. We can't even dog-sit for a friend in an emergency, because the last time we did (the friend's uncle had a stroke and the friend needed to leave town quickly to be with him), my mom told me in front of our 2-year-old that she was going to kick the dog into the pool. (The dog was 7 years old, very sweet and friendly, no trouble at all.)

Recently, my daughter cried one day as I dropped her off at day care. I didn't know what was wrong. It turned out that she was not listening to my mom while I was getting ready for work that morning, and my mom told her she was going to find another little girl to be her grand-daughter. My daughter thought that meant we would send her (my daughter) away, and she was devastated.

I could go on with dozens upon dozens of similar stories just from the past 10 years, not to mention all the drama from when I grew up. She's not only difficult with us, but she's destroyed most of her closest friendships with her behaviors.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting her to live with us any more? I'm trying to set healthy limits, which isn't something I have a lot of experience with and am not great with. On one hand, I feel like a horribly selfish person. On the other hand, I keep thinking "Think about your children. Give them the best chance you can for a normal, healthy upbringing."

For what it's worth, the psychologist we saw advised against letting her move in with us and told me that if we did, I'd need therapy for the rest of her life. Really wishing now that I had taken his advice to heart... .

Thanks for reading.

Rebecca

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome RebeccaR2016: 
I'm sorry about the situation with your mom.  It has to make your living situation very difficult. I can tell that you are torn between what is best for your  mom, versus what is best for your family.  You have to make your husband and children a priority. 

It can seen a bit of a challenge to start using boundaries and various communication skills, but they can be helpful and make a difference.  If you can get your husband on board and join efforts with boundaries, it could lead to a better outcome.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH 

The option of her moving to the rental home, would be a generous offer.  Have you thought about how you would approach the situation?  Would it help to get a therapist and have a family counseling session?  It could be helpful for you to have some professional support with the situation.

[VitaminC]

Hi Rebecca,

I'd like to join NaughtyNibbler in welcoming you here.

It sounds as if you've been very forebearing in letting your mother live with your family for the last 10 years. While it can be quite wonderful and practical to have a multi-generational household (I grew up in one myself) this is not always the kind of situation we see in nice family sitcoms, is it?

BPD issues aside, if an aging parent is causing strife in the immediate family, it is perfectly reasonable to consider other options. As your mother is well enough to live on her own, it's certainly worth looking at how to make that happen. Your marriage and your children need to be your priority, I would think.

What you are offering is actually generous. In many cultures it would be expected of the children to mind their parents. It seems that you are in a good position to do something like that with minimal strain on all concerned. In other words, you have a pretty good solution to the issue.

It's natural for your mother to not want things to change. It's understandable, again BPD issues aside, for her to prefer to remain in a situation she knows and finds comfortable. Perhaps the idea has never occurred to her as a real possibility before and she may be anxious about living on her own for perfectly good reasons that have nothing to do with a lack of mobility due to age (it doesn't sound as if she has any problems in that regard).

You might be able to help her see what gains a more independent living situation would give her. Does she have friends or activities she engages in? Perhaps she can be encouraged to take steps in that direction, if not.

You may have to be gentle but firm on this. 'It is better for everyone, mom, and we won't abandon you, and we want to have you over for a weekly dinner and visit you in your new home with the kids and let you have your own space that you can fill with your own things and friends and activites.'  Loving, respectful, but firm. Easier said than done, perhaps, but doable.