Supporting family with mom with BPD

[Sunfl0wer]

Hello,

I apologize for asking for help with something that seems obvious enough for me to simply research... .
[I am having a pretty hard time focusing at the moment.]

My cousins in their early 20's have been raised by their mom with BPD and are currently needing some support understanding and coping with her.

I so wish I could send them here, but I have posted so so much that it could be obvious who I am by now.

It is way easier for me to read a member's post, objectively offer advice, yet a whole other thing when it is personal.   My mind is a bit jumbled on how to speak to them. I feel regressed in this regard... .so please don't assume I know stuff, I feel like I need to hear basics atm.

Last night I could tell one was really wanting to paint mom black.  It was hard not to join her because mom's behavior was atrocious.  Validation was hard to do without joining in on bashing mom.  Because to not say how atrocious the behavior was, well, felt atrocious.  (One almost died and mom just showed up at ICU being verbally abusive and flipped out into hysteria, and hasn't stopped, she was made to leave by hospital staff)

The MO of their family dynamic is:
When one is mad, punish with silent treatment for days/weeks, or more.
Paint other party black
Complain to who you can get on your side

They look to me as a "replacement" when mom is dysregulated.  I am trying hard to stay off the drama triangle and be in a more useful/coach role, (vs rescuer) yet it is hard to not treat them like a victim when I feel mom is behaving abusively.  So maybe in addition to resources to provide them, I could use some polishing of my communication skills and such please?

Maybe I will write them a letter or such to speak to them about the dynamics I see and what I feel may be helpful (using literature as references) because when I am in front of them via voice, I seem to regress to a younger me that wants to rescue them and I am looking for a way to be thoughtful in changing that dynamic. (Of course my words would need to be written in a way that if mom ever got hold of them, I could live with that)

Another option over the letter could be a book or article and see if she wants to discuss...  I am not sure what would be helpful!  I so wish I could send them here and tell them to share, ugh!  

All ideas from all areas welcome!
I currently am just tossing stuff around in my head... .
Thanks!

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe I should narrow down things to one issue in particular... .

Was asked last night:
How can she be so self centered and not even an ounce supportive when her kid is about to die?  Then she is actually abusive?  I hate her!

I just don't know how to answer that... .
My response:
Mom really doesn't seem to have the ability to empathize when she is overloaded with her own feelings does she?

Pretty lame I think.

I just got the idea to write a letter, with all her questions, and give myself a redo.
I kind of like that idea.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Sunflower
Seems a very very difficult predicament to be in. I'm very impressed by your attempts to remain helpful without being a rescuer. it's hard to do, I know and your feelings can really rebel and twist up and mix with guilt and being triggered into your own child experiences.
Writing a letter is a good idea as it gives you time to marshal your thoughts and change and correct.
As your cousins are in their mid 20's, email might be even better as you can include links to articles.

Think of the information you first reviewed if you can and make it a start point. They are old enough to take that and start research on their own as you no doubt did.

While you are trying so hard to find ways to help and just to keep calm it's worth remembering that you don't have to get it perfect - wanting to help and trying to be available is enough.

As far as answering their questions, that can be tough but again, you are entitled to your own opinion. They can hear it and make their own judgments without you feeling that you are responsible for everything they learn (a natural byproduct of dealing with BPD is that the disordered person teaches/trains you to be responsible for all their feelings and actions. nons won't do this.)

I recently experienced a similar situation with my neice and finally just came right out and told her that her grandmother has BPD and her mother (my sister) copies a lot of the same dysfunction. It was a great relief to her to hear the truth and start the process of learning how not to blame herself for the awful "relationship" she has with her mother despite all her trying to bond with her. I would wish for my own teen self to hear the facts and opinions of an adult who knows the person.

It makes so much difference to get that kind of validation as you may recall when you were first believed and understood.
If you feel their mother is abusive then is there any reason not to voice that? It may take some time to filter through. it's quite a leap.
There are questions they will ask which you simply cannot answer nor should be expected to. it's ok to say "I don't know."
It's okay to say "I need some time to think about that." It's also okay to ask them the same questions back. Like "Well what do you think would make a person behave that way? Be self centred like that?" It'll get their minds working and hopefully help them on the road to developing their own empathic skills.

It's also ok to not fix, not support, not even be available if you are triggered or suffering. it's okay to say "I care, I love you but I'm also struggling with this. Can I get back to you soon when I'm feeling a little more stable?"
Sometimes, oftentimes just caring is enough
Peace
Ziggiddy

[Turkish]

How can she be so self centered and not even an ounce supportive when her kid is about to die?  Then she is actually abusive?  I hate her!

Validate/support  "Yes,  I agree,  she's self centered... ."

Empathize,  "your sibling almost died and the one person who should be there fire her/him, can't get past making it about herself.  This would piss me off, too, her lack of empathy for her own child."

Truth, "though it's maddening to see her act like this,  and it sucks I know,  your mother is only capable of what she is capable.  You know that, you grew up with her, and it's awesome that your sibling has you to be there,  where your mother is limited or incapable. As your auntie,  I want you to know that I'm here for both of you as well."

This sounds like crisis mode.  Maybe they might might be open to exploring a possible personality disorder later,  but for now,  it might be better to focus on the feelings. There will be time enough to educate them once the crisis has past. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Just checking in.

Been a bit overwhelmed as the concept of her almost death is setting in.

Just wanting to express gratitude for thoughtful replies by Ziggiddy and Turkish, thank you!  There is a lot in there for me to digest and that is quite useful.  Needing time to process it all... .and the situation... .honestly feeling a bit traumatized by part of the stuff of almost loosing her... .so having a hard time communicating with them.  Eh

Will come back later after digesting moves.

[Sunfl0wer]

Ziggidy:
Thanks for a lot of what you said! 
Hearing that I have permission to "not be perfect"... .
Permission to label abusive behavior, even if it is mom's... .
And also to take some space to think about things... .
All very much things I needed to hear.
Thank you!

Also important to remember, I am a person too, and can state that I am struggling to process this as well.

Turkish:
Thank you too!
Hearing you give an example of possible validating verbage, quite helpful!
I think it would be great if I can try to frame things nicely, validating for her, in a way that allows her and me, to sit with her uncomfortable feelings.  I think validation will go a long way in this case.  (Many instances, i am not a fan of "excessive validation," yet this is one where she needs loads!)

... .

Update:
So links I provided and such... .
She has not commented on.

I sent her some easily relatable info about the four types of BPD mothers.  Then a relatable link about how it lowers a persons self worth to be verbally abused by mom, the mechanism of how it works.  Both looked excellent to me.  I have not heard a peep from her about either. 

It could be that reading up on stuff, not her thing, or that her injuries make it not possible to read.

So I am trying to think of ways to "reach her where she is at" and reading BPD articles, for whatever reason, is not where she is at.

So I am thinking of simply sending her maybe a daily inspirational quote, meme or such cause the simple sentence or mantra affect of it, may stick better.

I wish I could find a quote that would help convey:
What people say, vile things about you, really conveys more about themself, and has little, if nothing to do with person they are speaking of.

Heck, maybe I will just polish my own sentences and send those... .
*sigh*
Thanks for listening.

My heart is bleeding for her
In therapy we are working on me keeping my own emotional bleeding contained so that all of me can be present in my life vs falling down a pinhole type vision of being consumed with this upsetness.  It is a skill, it is evolving.  Quite hard to keep pain I feel separate, contained, and in perspective.
Just sharing cause I see a lot of that around me... .
(People getting consumed by an emotional range/state)
And apparently is a skill I am working on.
I had no idea.