Why Is Detaching So Brutally Hard?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Why is detachment from a BPD relationship so incredibly hard? I was pathetic and hanging on even though I've never been treated so poorly by anyone on my life. She lied, talked down to me, raged, insulted, blamed me for everything, constantly disrespected me, made fun of my kids to me, compared me to exes, told me how my exes were ugly while pilling pictures of them from Facebook, etc.

Then at the end she lied more and moved on from our 2 year relationship immediately w another guy a couple days after claiming we would be together forever.

So even knowing what a cruel, insecure pos of a human being she is I am really struggling. I have never struggled this much. So why are these breakups so much harder?

[Duped 1]

Why is detachment from a BPD relationship so incredibly hard? I was pathetic and hanging on even though I've never been treated so poorly by anyone on my life. She lied, talked down to me, raged, insulted, blamed me for everything, constantly disrespected me, made fun of my kids to me, compared me to exes, told me how my exes were ugly while pilling pictures of them from Facebook, etc.

Then at the end she lied more and moved on from our 2 year relationship immediately w another guy a couple days after claiming we would be together forever.

So even knowing what a cruel, insecure pos of a human being she is I am really struggling. I have never struggled this much. So why are these breakups so much harder?

[Moselle]

Duped1 ,

Sorry that this seems tough for you. All breakup are usually unpleasant. A borderline breakup is usually more traumatic for a number of reasons.

- Very often they feel like "the one" because of  a deep and enmeshed attachment.

- Often borderlines attach to us, as a primary attachment figure and establish a trauma bond through alternating pushing and pulling to create a psychological connection.

- The relationship with a  borderline usually has alot of intensity and a sense of addiction

These things can make it difficult to detach
 But detach we must because there is much to do as we transform after a BPD relationship
 It's a chance to reset and re-frame our futures.

What's next for you?

[Duped 1]

What's next for me is hoping I survive this and quit crying daily and be productive at work. Basic effective daily functioning would be a huge step ahead at this point.

[Duped 1]

Moselle- Thanks for your response. Definitely an addiction but why isn't it for them? For a long time she was the pursuer and pressuring me to move faster. I don't understand how they can move on so quickly to the next victim.

[Warcleods]

My ex pressured and pursued for a good 8 months.  Once she felt that she had me is when the come here/go away nonsense began.  Her whole philosophy was "Who cares what the future may hold, I'll cross that bridge when I get there."  I was silly enough to ignore that sentiment even though I completely disagreed with her.   At the time, I was too infatuated with how she made me feel to really challenge her in any way.

Nonetheless, detaching is hard because we're still so focused on them, rather that us.  It's tough to get your mind to forget them but time definitely helps.  No contact makes the heart grow less fond and it also forces you to focus on yourself.  BPD folks have no empathy regarding how their actions affect other people.  They're incredibly selfish and stuck in their ways.  It's best to forget they're like normal human beings because they certainly aren't.  Just know that some other putz is going to go through the same thing you are going through.  Be thankful you're no longer that putz.  She did you a huge favor.

[bus boy]

Hi Duped 1,  my heart goes out to you. I can relate to all the pain you are suffering.  Before I knew anything about personality disorders or detaching, I use to compare what I was going through as an addiction. Xw would stop talking to me, would not respond to my texts, I would get sick like withdrawals,  depressed. Than out of the blue I would get a text or phone call and I would get instant relief and it would go around like that. When xw met another man her final discard was the worse pain I ever felt in my life. She treated me like I was a total nothing after the final discard and still does. It's painful but it was for the best so I could detach for good from xw. I had a hundred different emotions going through me this afternoon, happy, sad, fear, lonely, I was almost in tears at the grocery store.

[Duped 1]

She pressured me to propose and get a ring for about a year or more and wasn't very nice about it. Even on the end she said I should have proposed but we were never healthy enough for that. Regardless of what a mess our relationship was I still cannot believe the lack of humanity at the end. I made her the center of my world (bad idea) and she was my best friend for two years.

[bus boy]

Xw was far from my best friend. I don't think she even liked me one bit. She took every opportunity say something mean about my occupation,friends, family, every aspect of my life she had something belittling to say. Xw never wanted children with me and she made it painfully clear many times. She looks at me as a total nothing in my son's life. She looks at her bf as more of a father in my son's life. She would deny me access or get someone else to help with our son, even after I would offer to help and would say I'm not there for our son. Very baffling behaviour.  There mental abuse makes it very hard to detach, they have a way of making us feel horrable about our selves.

[KarmasReal]

She pressured me to propose and get a ring for about a year or more and wasn't very nice about it. Even on the end she said I should have proposed but we were never healthy enough for that. Regardless of what a mess our relationship was I still cannot believe the lack of humanity at the end. I made her the center of my world (bad idea) and she was my best friend for two years.

This quote basically sums up what I am going through as of three days ago exactly. Me and my ex were together for two years as well, minus about 3-4 break ups. I made her my center and best friend because in normal long term relationships that person is suppose to be your center and best friend. Although after a while a BPD will come to resent those feelings. We broke up and I could use a lot of terms for what it was lack but "lack of humanity" would be a very accurate one as well. She was completely emotionally shut down, there was no empathy, sorrow, caring, just deadness and cruelty, and utter hatefulness and despise. And I had done nothing for her to feel that way. It was insane. Although I've been through it before a couple of times so it wasn't that unexpected but this time it was the worst and meanest it has ever been. She was just thinking of things to say that had nothing to do with anything that could hurt me. I caught her texting a person she shouldn't have and by the end of it she was telling me her family hated me, going into details about sex with people when we had been broken up. Just anything to cut me down. It wasn't fun lets put it that way.

Also another thing you said that was similar was her pressuring you to propose even at the point you were breaking up, but you never felt stable enough to do it. That's exactly something that happened with us, she was constantly pressuring me to move in with her, but I didn't want to give up my place because we were never stable for long. Even at the end she said of i had moved in things would have been different. The only difference is I would be homeless right now if I had done that. I knew it wasn't safe for me to move in and I was right. Thank god that you never did propose because it would be even that much worse now.

And I wish I had an answer for you. Even after all she has done and said. Even after coming to the realization she is an uncaring user, a promiscuous self loathing person, who hates life and men, and will never change and will always leave a wake of conflict, pain, and suffering wherever she goes. I am still very hurt. Even though I have been through this 3 times before and am pretty numb to it. It still hurts, I still feel lost, confused, like some part of me even wants her back even though I could never trust her, never have a future with her, never be able to be truly happy. I guess we just have to focus on any positives for us that came out of this. Realize that even though you wanted it to work it could never have, my ex has left a trail of people who she could never work out with, because she can't work with anyone. Trying to treat them as a normal person is out worst mistake because whatever we are thinking and feeling you can sure they are thinking and feeling something very different. Let her go and see her for who she really is, someone that is not good and definitely not good for you. Good luck.

[Duped 1]

I have to say she wasn't as mean as some of you have had it. She didn't cheat and wasn't always viscous but she would escalate fights and get very nasty and was just never happy after the idolization stage. Never content. There always had to be something wrong. Constant complaining and picking at me. The more I gave, the more she complained. The guy before me was w her for 6 years although she said they were basically breaking up for 2 of them. I don't know how anyone could possibly stay w her that long. Her #1 goal in life is to b a wife. She will b a horrible one.

[Duped 1]

She talked of being together forever throughout the entire relationship but would also threaten to break up once or twice a week when mad... .

Real stable

[Moselle]

Moselle- Thanks for your response. Definitely an addiction but why isn't it for them? For a long time she was the pursuer and pressuring me to move faster. I don't understand how they can move on so quickly to the next victim.

There is a primitive defensive mechanism they employ which places all the responsibility onto a target (you) which frees them up to move on blameless ( in their eyes) The truth is that there is deep shame and whilst they are able to apparently move on, they feel deep shame for what they have done. They are aware of the damage they do to others. But to admit it would be too much for their already severely damage self Image. It's easier to continue the notion that we are the cause of their problems, so they continue with the vicious behaviour and lies about us. Their ultimate fear of abandonment is likely to be behind the break up . They pull the trigger before we "figure" them out and leave of our own accord.

What's next for me is hoping I survive this and quit crying daily and be productive at work. Basic effective daily functioning would be a huge step ahead at this point.

Don't think you're alone here. I had days when I couldn't get out of my appartment. Sometimes we need to survive day to day. And that's OKAY. Survive it first.

But we can't stop there Duped1. The seeds of this relationship were sown before we met them. Somewhere in our childhoods sits some of the reasons why we tolerated the abuse. And we need to face this ugly stuff in some form for us to truly heal.

My job here at BPD Fam is to model the living of a great life post BPD, and advocate the process and steps needed. Detaching and letting go are crucial steps on this journey. Where are you in the detaching process?  

As brutal as it's been for me, I can honestly say that it has been the single most important thing for my life. I have and ontinue to face up to my childhood damage and parent my inner child. I have found my passion and purpose in life since my breakup. It's true that the hardest things in life teach us the most.

Hang in there. It will get better!

[kc sunshine]

Survive it first. Those are such important words. Also, survive it again and again because I've found that detachment is cyclical, especially when you are at vulnerable points in your life.

Don't think you're alone here. I had days when I couldn't get out of my appartment. Sometimes we need to survive day to day. And that's OKAY. Survive it first.

But we can't stop there Duped1. The seeds of this relationship were sown before we met them. Somewhere in our childhoods sits some of the reasons why we tolerated the abuse. And we need to face this ugly stuff in some form for us to truly heal.

My job here at BPD Fam is to model the living of a great life post BPD, and advocate the process and steps needed. Detaching and letting go are crucial steps on this journey. Where are you in the detaching process?  

As brutal as it's been for me, I can honestly say that it has been the single most important thing for my life. I have and ontinue to face up to my childhood damage and parent my inner child. I have found my passion and purpose in life since my breakup. It's true that the hardest things in life teach us the most.

Hang in there. It will get better!

[Duped 1]

Thanks Moselle-

She had even mentioned multiple times that she wouldn't be moving on anytime soon because no one would ever compare to me and even after the cold hearted breakup said she would be healing and self reflecting for a long time because it was the right thing to do. Just more lies

[Moselle]

Well in the moment she said those things, she probably meant them. The problem is that in the next moment  the darkness probably came, and she needed a scape goat or someone to share her pain.

Unfortunately for me, my ex latched onto a married friend of mine, seduced him and  convinced him to divorce his pregnant ex. They cannot tolerate being alone. They need someone who's personality they can assume.

Duped1. Have a look at the detaching steps over there ---------》 Where are you?

[Duped 1]

I think she was just lying. I think she Was already with him the last time she said it

[apollotech]

Moselle- Thanks for your response. Definitely an addiction but why isn't it for them? For a long time she was the pursuer and pressuring me to move faster. I don't understand how they can move on so quickly to the next victim.

Duped 1,

The moving quickly from one to another over and over again is needs driven, a need to once again possibly become whole. We're not seen as victims by the pwBPD; we're seen as possible completions. She probably was addicted to you during idealization, but then she found something in you, that to her, whether real or imagined, made you an unfit candidate as a completion for her, devaluation begins. Don't take it personally, my exBPD gf would sometimes become engulfed while with me just by holding my hand. Then she'd attempt to create distance between us by finding fault in me. Call me a terrible bf, but i just refused to give up my heartbeat and pulse to appease someone.

I agree with Moselle as to why these relationships are so hard to break free of, because they are so crazily abnormal. To much overstimulation over too long of a period of time changes us. (This is the root cause of PTSD, which is not unheard of for someone exiting one of these relationships. I am not suggesting that you have PTSD, but it illistrates how intense these relationships actually are.) Those unwanted changes will have to be undone before you'll begin to get back to baseline normal. It takes time, allow yourself that.

[antelope]

detaching is hard b/c it forces US to change 

we stayed with these people, and in these very negative situations for months, years, sometimes even decades... .

finding out the fundamental reason(s) why we did is what will finally give us the resolve and closure we so desperately want... .and detachment/no contact is the first step 

[Julia S]

My theory is that because they crave the unconditional love they believe they've never had, they have developed very basic maybe unconscious strategies to make you provide it. And if you love them unconditionally, you can't leave them any more than you can abandon a child. If you start to see it this way, you understand why the romantic partner suggestions for detaching don't work. I've had a couple of brushes with other dysfunctional relationships, but none has left me feeling so bereft as a short and much less physically intimate encounter with a BPD. With the others, as soon as I realised their problems, I was able to walk away. But with the BPD I feel like I'm trying to ignore a desperate cry for help.