You have to hit bottom to go NC

[RippedTorn]

Many people write about their struggles to go NC. They say they tried but then went back - again and again. Some threads I have read try to convince you that you should separate permenently. Have no contact at all. I struggled with doing this for years. I even moved out, but came back. The key to having success I believe is "You have to hit bottom." Then you will have had enough and be able to stick with NC. It took me over three years of splitting to finally be so devastated that I refused to take it anymore. And I was married. She bragged at the end "I could have any man I want". And I told her please go and find one and stop torturing me. For once I meant it. When I reconnected with some nonBPD women friends, it was a breath of fresh air. Like I was back in the land of the sane, away from the nuthouse. After reading so many posts on this site, I realize that every non has to hit bottom. No one can talk you into having boundaries or leaving. You have to really want it to protect your own sanity. I see my BPD now as a hurtful individual that has a need to torment and punish me. I allowed it. I stuck with it. I came back for more time after time. When you are truly ready, you will pull the plug on the water-boarding and send her off to do her work on some other soon to be tortured soul. Don't think it will get better. It will only get worse until you are destroyed. You will KNOW when you hit bottom and then it will truly be over. You will be free.

[GoingBack2OC]

Thanks for this post. I know in many ways, like you said you got caught up in, was the cycle of torturing my own self... .by staying in, or hoping for, or wishing that, when in reality, when I step back and take a look at the BIG picture; our relationship had followed a very specific pattern, and the magnitude of each pattern's expressions amplified over time.

Once the first year and half were over, there was a switch. Not so much overnight, but it was abrupt, where I was no longer the "man of her dreams".

From the silent treatment, the lies (wow she could lie), the insane push pull tug of war: break up make up and so on, the manipulation, the wedging, devaluation;      It really followed a pattern, with the rhythms simply becoming more dramatic as time went on.

Her final discard; I actually have to give her credit for (although it didn't go as planned and really backfired in her face), but regardless, she had planned for her exit, leaving me dumbfounded in many ways; for a very long time. I mean, it was "Planned", months in the making.

But even still... .we had broken up before. She broke up with me often, more and more, towards the end... .I started to mimic the behavior, probably out of utter frustration, and protection for my own self and ego.

But thank you, for reminding me that as hard as it is; to be in NC, and move on; she is doing it, and I need to remember her final acts burned us both to the ground-- there is no possiblity of repair, and I have no doubt she realizes (I really do believe), how unbelievably disgraceful she acted, and how she dishonored both of us in the process.

I know I'm at bottom now. I know it for sure. But I break NC still, I make it a week, maybe more... .she never responds. She never well. I understand why. Her plan backfiring led to her being shamed in the eyes of her own family and friends; and it was all her doing. She can't face me. Not after what she did... .and how I found out. Im willing to believe she's not living the life she thought she would, post split.

I gotta stay NC and get on with it.

Thanks again.