BoundariesA

[Imkaza]

I got back into my BPD relationship armed with information and set boundaries we have both agreed to follow.
These were:
Same boundaries for both of us.
No cheating or devaluing.
Support as long as therapy is continuing.

He has an addiction to synthetic cannabis and also hears voices that Ive only just gotten him to admit to.

Yesterday he went and met up with an ex. I know deep down he's purely done this to get money for sythetic.

I picked him up and he told me straight away that this had occurred. Im not comfortable... .he knows why she gave him money and I've asked him to tell her about me.

Im unsure of what to do... .this has gotten me in a spin... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Imkaza,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that understand what it's like to be in a r/s when a partner is mentally ill. I would be in a spin too.

I picked him up and he told me straight away that this had occurred. Im not comfortable... .he knows why she gave him money and I've asked him to tell her about me.

What did he say when you asked about her?

[ArleighBurke]

Same boundaries for both of us.

This is not how boundaries work. What you have agreed to are "behaviours".

Your boundary is NOT about your partner. It is only about you. It is NOT designed to change his behaviour. Your boundary is normally "I don't like X. When you do X, *I* will protect myself by doing Y". And Y is something FOR YOU.

Unfortunately you cannot "force" him into doing or not doing anything. He *may* decide to change a behaviour for you, but he may not. So you need to decide what is YOUR action based on him doing something.

So for example: "I do not agree with the use of cannabis. If you are high, I will stay at a friends house for 24hrs until you are sober again".  Your boundary is not asking him to do anything - it is all about protecting yourself.