BPD partner and body image--any insights?

[Renard]

This topic may seem like a minor one given how dramatic certain kinds of BPD behaviour can be. Nevertheless, I wonder whether anyone else has similar experience and, perhaps, some insight. My partner is beautiful by any standard, yet she is capable of a kind of obsessiveness about her body. When younger, she was capable of some food binging, but nothing that would amount to bulimia. The same is true of denying herself, yet nothing that would amount to anorexia.

Still, she is capable of a kind of self-contempt about her body and carries on a kind of vigilance about weight and appearance that is completely out of odds with how strong and fit and beautiful she really is. She is also capable of adding or subtracting some 10 to 15 pounds from her frame in a fairly rapid fashion (within weeks).

When I think about our conversations, I am always reminded of how much time goes to talk of food, exercise, and the constancy of her wishing she formed in some other way (basically, thinner, or with the ability to reform parts of her physique). At times, a self-loathing can emerge that I can find exhausting in some ways. That said, it occurs to me how easy it is for such conversations to be invalidating in their own way because when she says something along the lines of "I'm fat" my response of "you're beautiful (or strong, or fit, or thin)" undermines what she sees and thinks.

Any thoughts out there?

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[TyroneWiggums]

... .yet nothing that would amount to anorexia... .it occurs to me how easy it is for such conversations to be invalidating in their own way because when she says something along the lines of "I'm fat" my response of "you're beautiful (or strong, or fit, or thin)" undermines what she sees and thinks.

My ex is anorexic.  She has been in treatment on and off over the years and still struggles to maintain a healthy weight.  She has relapsed.  Until I sat in the therapist's office with her and was told to my face she was anorexic I thought, like you, that her body issues didn't really rise to the level of mental illness.  I was wrong.

I have no idea if your loved one has an eating disorder, but please don't make the mistake of armchair diagnosing her; she very well may have something serious going on.  I've read about VAT on the website, so I'm guessing that acknowledging her feelings and trying to see if she's open to discussing why she feels the way she does is a step in the right direction?  Who knows where it leads?  Maybe she wants to know that it's a safe subject and it results in her feeling supported enough to address it head on?  Just another Joe Blow with an opinion on the internet, but I've walked in your shoes and it took me really listening and building a foundation of trust with mine for her to take steps toward getting better, and even then it's an on-going journey for her.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Renard]

TyroneWiggums,

Thanks for your words of caution, especially your words about building trust around body image. My newly dawning understanding of BPD made me post about body image and food because both of these are definitional for my partner. She is definitely bipolar (repeatedly diagnosed by professionals and on medication), yet when she's feeling a bit more depressed she eats more and gains weight. She finds it torturous to do so, yet eating gives her comfort.

I am extraordinarily cautious about armchair diagnosis because she is so high functioning, yet there are BPD traits or behaviours in her. She is capable of such anger and the anger can be harnessed on eating when she is feeling low.

Bottom line: I am constantly gaining insights and will find good ways of offering more understanding around eating and body image. It's so easy to affirm her strength and fitness when she is talking about food and body image, yet I see now how such affirmations can be invalidating.