Sad and feeling blah about life at the moment...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 It has been almost 2 years that I knew we had to split, 5 months since the divorce. Since he is suing me I still feel entangled. He has moved so far on that I feel so completely stupid for still being a wreck over this. It's not him, it's the idea of the part of him I liked that I miss. I haven't met anyone to date. The only person I was interested in is not interested in me. The person that is interested in me, I sit and think about should I even bother. I know he smokes and drinks beer (not sure how much) like my ex did, but I told him I don't like it. He said you put up with it with my ex? I said I don't want to "put up" with anything! Why would I want to start with someone that I know I would want them to change and I wouldn't be happy with? That is what we are supposed to learn here right? Don't cross your boundaries. So I stay alone... .which I am fine with except now my Sister and Parents are moving out of state. I hate to say this word, but I am feeling totally abandoned! They are actually moving to the same state my ex is in! Luckily 3 hours away. I went on a trip there with my Sister last weekend and it was so beautiful. Driving through the changing leaves in the Mountains... .so pretty. I took lots of pictures. Being there, I couldn't help but think of how my ex was doing. I had a horrible thought at the top of the Mountain... .I looked down and then said to my Sister, "you would have to push someone pretty hard to actually kill them." She knew exactly what I meant, since I had death threats from my ex in which he implied it was easy to "slip off"... .too many bushes and things to stop your fall. I thought, how the heck do people get away with that?  Anyway... .being out in the middle of no where, I felt a bit of a culture shock. Where he has moved to is so much smaller. A town of 2500, where the people don't like new people. I actually saw a 20/20 special on a murder in that town and saw what it is like... .So my point is, how can they mirror a whole town? How can someone possibly fake being something that he is not to a whole town?  Most people are trying to get out of that town and there he is moving into it! I almost feel sorry for him that he got himself in this situation. I honestly do not see how he is going to handle it. My Sister said, this is his karma coming to get him!  Anyway, I am feeling really blue. I just wanted to vent. I am not very motivated. I went and did some work at a place today that helped out a friend and she doesn't even know it... .so that kept me busy and made me feel good. Tomorrow I go to my Moms and help her pack and get rid of things. She has dementia and my step-dad is doing really poorly. It is so sad to see. I know my Sister will look out for them and they are moving to a retirement area, so it should be better for them. The cost of living is allot less too. I think it will be a good thing for all of them. I am left to myself to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I know what I wish I had... .but I can't make someone appear out of nowhere and have what I want. It is not that I "need" someone, please understand that. I have always been happy by myself. I just want people to do things with. I have a group of women I go to dinner with every two weeks that I met in a divorce group. They all have been friends for awhile with each other. I feel like a tag a long. Sometimes it makes me feel more depressed. Sometimes I wish I could go back home to my original town. The cost of living is even higher there. My business cannot transfer. I will never make what I am making here, somewhere else. Sometimes I feel stuck. I wish I was happier... .I wish I could find people to trust. Feeling blah... .Oh, and to top it off, I am just now starting to have menopausal symptoms (what my ex always accused me of) so I feel old. : (   I know there are people going through worse things, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

[Herodias]

 It has been almost 2 years that I knew we had to split, 5 months since the divorce. Since he is suing me I still feel entangled. He has moved so far on that I feel so completely stupid for still being a wreck over this. It's not him, it's the idea of the part of him I liked that I miss. I haven't met anyone to date. The only person I was interested in is not interested in me. The person that is interested in me, I sit and think about should I even bother. I know he smokes and drinks beer (not sure how much) like my ex did, but I told him I don't like it. He said you put up with it with my ex? I said I don't want to "put up" with anything! Why would I want to start with someone that I know I would want them to change and I wouldn't be happy with? That is what we are supposed to learn here right? Don't cross your boundaries. So I stay alone... .which I am fine with except now my Sister and Parents are moving out of state. I hate to say this word, but I am feeling totally abandoned! They are actually moving to the same state my ex is in! Luckily 3 hours away. I went on a trip there with my Sister last weekend and it was so beautiful. Driving through the changing leaves in the Mountains... .so pretty. I took lots of pictures. Being there, I couldn't help but think of how my ex was doing. I had a horrible thought at the top of the Mountain... .I looked down and then said to my Sister, "you would have to push someone pretty hard to actually kill them." She knew exactly what I meant, since I had death threats from my ex in which he implied it was easy to "slip off"... .too many bushes and things to stop your fall. I thought, how the heck do people get away with that?  Anyway... .being out in the middle of no where, I felt a bit of a culture shock. Where he has moved to is so much smaller. A town of 2500, where the people don't like new people. I actually saw a 20/20 special on a murder in that town and saw what it is like... .So my point is, how can they mirror a whole town? How can someone possibly fake being something that he is not to a whole town?  Most people are trying to get out of that town and there he is moving into it! I almost feel sorry for him that he got himself in this situation. I honestly do not see how he is going to handle it. My Sister said, this is his karma coming to get him!  Anyway, I am feeling really blue. I just wanted to vent. I am not very motivated. I went and did some work at a place today that helped out a friend and she doesn't even know it... .so that kept me busy and made me feel good. Tomorrow I go to my Moms and help her pack and get rid of things. She has dementia and my step-dad is doing really poorly. It is so sad to see. I know my Sister will look out for them and they are moving to a retirement area, so it should be better for them. The cost of living is allot less too. I think it will be a good thing for all of them. I am left to myself to figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I know what I wish I had... .but I can't make someone appear out of nowhere and have what I want. It is not that I "need" someone, please understand that. I have always been happy by myself. I just want people to do things with. I have a group of women I go to dinner with every two weeks that I met in a divorce group. They all have been friends for awhile with each other. I feel like a tag a long. Sometimes it makes me feel more depressed. Sometimes I wish I could go back home to my original town. The cost of living is even higher there. My business cannot transfer. I will never make what I am making here, somewhere else. Sometimes I feel stuck. I wish I was happier... .I wish I could find people to trust. Feeling blah... .Oh, and to top it off, I am just now starting to have menopausal symptoms (what my ex always accused me of) so I feel old. : (   I know there are people going through worse things, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Why do you feel like you don't fit in with the women at the divorce group? I think that you have the right idea with not settling for someone that you feel like you're not compatible with.

Grieving the loss of the r/s takes as long as it takes, your ex doesn't grieve r/s's healthily and he brings that grief into the next r/s's, you have an opportunity to do self work .

I understand that you don't feel the need to have someone else right now, I share similar feelings, I concentrated my focus on self care.

What do you like to do for self care?

[Herodias]

Thanks Mutt,
    because they have all known each other longer and they do things together beyond the groups dinners.  I know what I should do for self care... .this is the problem. I need to get exercise and I can't seem to make myself. I like to take pictures and I read. Things that you can do alone. I eventually want to take a photography class, but I missed the class I should have taken due to waiting in someone who turned out not to be a friend. I am watching for the next class I can attend. I know I am going to be alone in a month after everyone moves and I will really need to get involved in something. I just don't know what. It's strange. I really like to be alone, yet it leaves me totally alone too much. Does that make sense? I think that is what I have focused on him too much. I am bored. I am my own worst enemy sometimes... .I like having a partner to go out to dinner with, talk to and rely on and do things for. I think that is what I miss most. I am such a giver... .it is hard not having someone to do things for. I think I am supposed to do things for myself, but I don't seem motivated to do that. I think I am avoiding myself or something... .I am also trying to save money, so I need to be careful. I have to do another court date the end of this month and a mediation in Jan. Not happy about that at all.

[jasmine-1234]

Thank you for sharing. The sadness seems overwhelming at times right? And totally understandable about feeling abandoned by your family. And just lonely .

I can relate to the lonely feeling. I have often jumped from relationship to relationship. I probably seem independent but I like having someone around. Being physical and cuddling provides comfort and good hormones so it's natural to feel down. I also don't want to jump into a relationship but observing my want to latch on to someone. Casual sex is the way I'd usually do it but I know I need to heal more first.

Starting to see how I got sucked into the BPD relationship. My strong desire to feel special and wanted.

I could also see how it would feel like you don't fit in with others. These relationships are unique. Hopefully you can find one or a few people that can really listen. Maybe some one on one time might feel better?