My Daughter has BPD & other complications. I want to help.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I am looking to chat & to gain some tools to help my daughter. My daughter is 23. She first became emotionally unstable around the age of 15. Like any mum I am finding this so difficult to deal with & I am so scared I will loose my daughter. She has diagnosed BPD, PTSD, anorexia, anxiety, depression & has had a few Psycotic episodes, she's also self harms. She's made several suicide attempts over the years. She struggled through college. Having to take a year out. Did 1 year at uni. But became too unwell. She regularly abuses alcohol or drugs, which have terrible consequences. At times she cuts me off. I've spent many years blaming myself. I had 2 very abusive marriages & I know this has contributed. She is having DBT & has recently confided about sexual abuse in her childhood. This does make sense, although at the time I obviously had no idea. This is tearing me apart.
She's met a wonderful young man. He has tried to care for her & I know loves her so much. However her behaviour becomes so confusing & shocking. I don't think he can cope. She is promiscuous, normally after taking drugs. Gets herself into such a state she has no recollection. She has no idea why she has behaved in this way. She's breaking her boyfriends heart & her own.
At times she is getting herself into such a state, she is putting herself in such danger. She then cannot cope with the consequences of her actions, whilst she is convinced she did no wrong. When others tell her she totally breaks. She wants to end her life.
She has been trying so hard & just wants to be a well person. She's incredibly clever & has also read so much on her conditions, she is very self aware. But she cannot seem to action keeping herself safe. Stabilising he behaviour. Medication I understand isn't always successful with BPD. However even if she is given certain medications, she refuses some as she's scared of the weight gain, or thinks she doesn't need them after a few days.
I love her & will never give up on her. I'm very proud of her. But I'm also in despair. I myself am pysically unwell. I also have depression & anxiety. I have younger children. Whilst the majority of the time my daughter doesn't live at home. She does return for periods of time.
Yes, she can be disrespectful. She fits every trait of BPD.
I worry how I can help her. The DBT is expensive. I cannot help her financially. She needs far more help. I live everyday scared I'm going to loose her to suicide or her having done something to put herself in danger.

She's recently has another Psycotic episode. She's terrified. Hospitals are generally not much use. She sometimes attends herself. Or someone else will get her to A&E. They often discharge her into my care, or her boyfriends. Altho they have currently broken up. I cannot cope with her. I cannot manage her life for her ir watch her 24 hours a day. I'm most likely asking the impossible, but I hope not. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help. Other avenues of support for her. She may attend mental health team appointments for a while. But sometimes her life becomes so unmanageable, she forgets, sleeps through the day, or simply feels there's no point.
I know right now she's ready to try anything... , apart from the DBT... , is there anything else we could be doing?

Thank you. Sorry for the huge essay. I could literally write a book. X

[Loulewbelle]

Hi, I am looking to chat & to gain some tools to help my daughter. My daughter is 23. She first became emotionally unstable around the age of 15. Like any mum I am finding this so difficult to deal with & I am so scared I will loose my daughter. She has diagnosed BPD, PTSD, anorexia, anxiety, depression & has had a few Psycotic episodes, she's also self harms. She's made several suicide attempts over the years. She struggled through college. Having to take a year out. Did 1 year at uni. But became too unwell. She regularly abuses alcohol or drugs, which have terrible consequences. At times she cuts me off. I've spent many years blaming myself. I had 2 very abusive marriages & I know this has contributed. She is having DBT & has recently confided about sexual abuse in her childhood. This does make sense, although at the time I obviously had no idea. This is tearing me apart.
She's met a wonderful young man. He has tried to care for her & I know loves her so much. However her behaviour becomes so confusing & shocking. I don't think he can cope. She is promiscuous, normally after taking drugs. Gets herself into such a state she has no recollection. She has no idea why she has behaved in this way. She's breaking her boyfriends heart & her own.
At times she is getting herself into such a state, she is putting herself in such danger. She then cannot cope with the consequences of her actions, whilst she is convinced she did no wrong. When others tell her she totally breaks. She wants to end her life.
She has been trying so hard & just wants to be a well person. She's incredibly clever & has also read so much on her conditions, she is very self aware. But she cannot seem to action keeping herself safe. Stabilising he behaviour. Medication I understand isn't always successful with BPD. However even if she is given certain medications, she refuses some as she's scared of the weight gain, or thinks she doesn't need them after a few days.
I love her & will never give up on her. I'm very proud of her. But I'm also in despair. I myself am pysically unwell. I also have depression & anxiety. I have younger children. Whilst the majority of the time my daughter doesn't live at home. She does return for periods of time.
Yes, she can be disrespectful. She fits every trait of BPD.
I worry how I can help her. The DBT is expensive. I cannot help her financially. She needs far more help. I live everyday scared I'm going to loose her to suicide or her having done something to put herself in danger.

She's recently has another Psycotic episode. She's terrified. Hospitals are generally not much use. She sometimes attends herself. Or someone else will get her to A&E. They often discharge her into my care, or her boyfriends. Altho they have currently broken up. I cannot cope with her. I cannot manage her life for her ir watch her 24 hours a day. I'm most likely asking the impossible, but I hope not. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help. Other avenues of support for her. She may attend mental health team appointments for a while. But sometimes her life becomes so unmanageable, she forgets, sleeps through the day, or simply feels there's no point.
I know right now she's ready to try anything... , apart from the DBT... , is there anything else we could be doing?

Thank you. Sorry for the huge essay. I could literally write a book. X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Loulewbelle,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm so sorry to hear that. I can see how emotionally distressing with the uncertainty when a loved one suffers from BPD.

I can relate with anxiety and depression, I was diagnosed with it. I'm a single dad with 3 youngs kids and I know how hard it is with anxiety and depression and you have to deal with BPD behaviors. It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder, there's a method to the behaviors, you'll  quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. It has helped me tremendously understanding why my kids's mom behaves the way that she does, it's not personal to me.

Self care helps a lot with anxiety and depression, are you taking care of yourself? What is you support network like? Are you seeing a T?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

She is having DBT & has recently confided about sexual abuse in her childhood.

The good news is she is self aware, she is getting help for herself, it may be a rough start but it's a start. How is your anxiety today?

[livednlearned]

Hi Loulewbelle,

I'm so sorry for the pain that brings you here, and glad you found the site.

She is lucky to have someone who loves her so much. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured by someone who struggles with BPD, and we are here to walk with you as you learn new skills that can help. Many of the things we learn about supporting BPD loved ones are counter-intuitive, and have to be learned.

There are many senior members on the Improving BPD Relationships board that may also be helpful to your D23's boyfriend, if he is willing. We cannot cure BPD, tho we can prevent things from getting worse, whether we are parents or romantic partners.

And since your D23 is open to treatment and understanding her BPD, I wonder if she might be interested in the book Buddha and the Borderline? It may make her feel less alone and see a path through the challenges from suffering to recovery.

Last, it's important to take care of yourself for several reasons that may not seem self-evidence. One, you cannot care for her if your own cup is empty. And two, people with BPD tend to externalize their emotions, and rely on others for stability. If you are in pieces, it makes it harder for her to assemble the fragment of who she is, as she looks for signs of who she is in the people around her. Being confident, taking care of yourself, while feeling compassion, helps her go through her dysregulations without feeling shame about the destruction she wreaks. She ends up feeling bad about feeling bad, a difficult thing for BPD sufferers that can lead to dark places.

It's hard, and that's why we're here to walk with you. 

LnL