Since forgetting isn't practical?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wondering since I'm still triggered by the hurtful things my x has said in the past, they just pop up in my thoughts randomly, would it be helpful to address them more thoroughly when the memories (flashbacks) come?

I keep telling myself, "She's sick, don't try to understand her, no one ever has, no one ever will"

"Let it go, her hurtful comments and sarcasm are about her, not you"

":)on't allow disturbed mentally ill people determine your self worth, or healthy people for that matter, you are ok just the way you are"

Anyway these are all true, yet are not knocking the individual hurtful things out of my memory. For instance, my x told me she thought I had girl hands, I tried to hide my hands for the longest time and felt bad for what she said. It don't bother me anymore because I talked to people about that particular statement I recieved. I could bring up other things but some are way to personal and humiliating.

It is true that she is sick, extremely sick, but her words still haunt me to this day, I want her poison OUT of my system forever.

[JerryRG]

Wondering since I'm still triggered by the hurtful things my x has said in the past, they just pop up in my thoughts randomly, would it be helpful to address them more thoroughly when the memories (flashbacks) come?

I keep telling myself, "She's sick, don't try to understand her, no one ever has, no one ever will"

"Let it go, her hurtful comments and sarcasm are about her, not you"

":)on't allow disturbed mentally ill people determine your self worth, or healthy people for that matter, you are ok just the way you are"

Anyway these are all true, yet are not knocking the individual hurtful things out of my memory. For instance, my x told me she thought I had girl hands, I tried to hide my hands for the longest time and felt bad for what she said. It don't bother me anymore because I talked to people about that particular statement I recieved. I could bring up other things but some are way to personal and humiliating.

It is true that she is sick, extremely sick, but her words still haunt me to this day, I want her poison OUT of my system forever.

[fromheeltoheal]

Notice how many times in that post you said "her", "she" or "my ex" Jerry, count them.  You won't detach from her if you keep talking about her all the time.  Try shifting your focus to you, say nothing but "I" and "me" for a while, and with anything related to her, ask "how can I use this, how will it serve me?"  What you'll likely do is thank me and revert to more venting, but how about you accept the challenge and not type "her" or "she" instead.  Putting a time limit on it, like a week, may make it easier; don't commit unless you're actually going to do it.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Often our relationships with BPD partners literally traumatize us.

Traumas are things that you can never forget- they will always be with you.

HOWEVER, healing from trauma doesn't mean forgetting- it means changing your experience and understanding of the traumatic experience(s) so they mean something different to you.

Eventually, with work, the gaping wounds you're feeling now can heal and become a well of strength and personal power.

I wish you well on your healing journey.


Here's a two page primer on trauma therapy you might find helpful:

https://scholar.google.ca/scholar_url?url=www.housecallscounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/John-Briere-Principles-of-Trauma-Therapy.pdf&hl=en&sa=X&scisig=AAGBfm2eLYpVqKImoA-qGez2OZQrLrJUxQ&nossl=1&oi=scholarr&ved=0ahUKEwi9ns3F2aPQAhXmxYMKHXdoA0MQgAMIJSgAMAA

[Herodias]

I understand... .I just heard a story about a man who killed his current GF locally. He had been married to two women! One of the woman is friends with my sisters friend. Hearing that strangled her on the sofa and stuffed her in a closet is a huge trigger for me! Reminds me of all I went through. He was similar to my ex I have found out! Scary and triggering!  I think some things will just stay with us forever. I agree about trying to talk about ourselves and not them. It is very hard and takes time. I think we are distancing ourselves from friendships with other people because of our obsession. I know we want people to say, what an awful person they were and how good we are... .but it doesn't make it go away. Slowly trying to become our true and better selves is what we need. Start to look forward and think of what it is you want out of life and do it. I just listened to two videos by Ashley Berges on "Who are you living your life for" and "Are you ready to put down your burden and worries"... .try those. We just have to be able to move on and think about ourselves and what we want out of life and realize they are not what we want or need. Those messed up people... .It can be lonely, as I have dumped all of mine and starting to be the person they they talk about having no friends... .I hate that. because I feel like such a messed up person! But I am realizing, I have made so many bad choices in friends and relationships that I now have to focus on me and start to ask myself, what is it that I want. How do I want to live. Once we realize that, we can start the new life we really want and deserve.

[JerryRG]

I know I need to move on, I'm thinking about my son, his future, where his crazy mother will pop up and do something rediculous again. I'm tied to her until my son is grown up or whatever.

Being sick and having to care for my son while she pretends to be a saint now pisses me off to no end.

I'm on my 3rd medication for this damn cold and cough, my BP was 180 over 37 and my ox level was 91% on my last visit with my doc.

I feel like hell, I'm angry and I'm tired, his mother is probably still in bed. Worthless pos.

There! Lol

[Herodias]

I know you are not feeling well at all, I am so sorry for you. She knows this too and I bet this is just another way they hit you when you are down. Is there any family that can help you with him, so you can get yourself better? You certainly don't need to be sick while dealing with cancer! Kids tend to bring things home from other kids too. Sounds like you are worn out and are unable to get yourself well. You are also stressing yourself out with anger. Try to put your practice of letting go and letting god... .but some people believe you need to help yourself too. See if you can get some help with your son from someone other than her. She is useless and I think you can't worry about his future with her. Right now you need to get yourself better. 

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias

I'm really sick, 2 antibiotic that failed and now a steroid that's fueling my aggitation. Mother is no where to be found, she just pops up and tries her games.

Aunt and uncle had my son all afternoon, I was able to sleep. I have such low self esteem and confidence in being a good father that I fear a lot. Fear turns into anger then feeds more fear and on and on.

There are families that will help but none in our community, I've asked and I would have to take my son to a near by city. Not sure how that would look in court.

Blah blah blah

I need constant affirmation that I'm ok and it's his mother who's cookoo, I lost that in the fog.

Thanks again

[Herodias]

You are ok. Yes, you had issues and that is why you ended up with her. You're working on those. You have been working on yourself in so may wonderful ways! You should be proud of that. Sorry you don't have allot of help. I am glad you got some rest today. Right now, you need to get better... .so your son has someone in his corner! Think of the oxygen mask is always put on yourself first in an emergency... .same thing here. Yes, steroids are awful, but they will get you feeling better. Try and relax. Have you seen the show "Raising Hope"? It is about a guy trying to be a good Father in the middle of craziness... .It's on Netflix... .cracked me up made me feel so much better... .My sister is now watching and loves it. Sometimes watching comedies will help get us get out of our funk. Plus, it will make you sit and do nothing. Just what you need to be doing ; )

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias

All good and practical words of advice, since the relationship ended I learned to always be on guard and relaxing was not an option when someone's demanding full attention.

Thanks for reminding me how much help I already have and focus my son. I will attempt to watch something fun tonight