Over A Year Later – Triggered – A Piece of Me has Died

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does the pain ever go away? Really? I know this is a commonly asked question on the forums but I am just so tired of living my life in constant uncertainty and on the edge of agony. I was doing so well too. I just went out to watch the football game with some friends at the local restaurant. I was sitting at the bar and towards the end of the game I saw my exuBPDgfs 7-year-old son getting some peanuts from the corner. I knew that either her or her sons father were in the dining area of which I had my back to ughhhh. As I was leaving I took a look around and there she was with her family and her exBF whom she had crudely discarded me for over a year ago. I knew that they had returned to being a couple but it hurts so much more seeing them in person. I can’t imagine how much strength all of you must have who still work or co-parent with your ex. I know this seems so childish but seeing this has just triggered the entire array of emotions that I have worked so hard to process since our breakup. That was supposed to be me with her in that restaurant.

I am to the point where I believe that I will live with this pain the rest of my life. It is not going away. And although I’m doing better it is just because I have learned to push the pain lower… Which I do not know if this is healthy or not. The love I felt with her was the most important thing I have ever experienced in my life and it is all too likely that I will never find that again. I have tried dating. Nothing has even come close to how I felt with her. And I’ve read all the material on BPD to where I am more educated on this subject than my therapist. I understand exactly what happened and how I contributed to it. I also know that having a “healthy” relationship with a pwPBD is futile. Our relationship fit the BPD/Codepentent model perfectly. But you know what. When I was in love with my ex I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. It felt so right. That has to mean something right? and I am not one who usually questions my instincts as they have served me properly my whole life. And believe me, like all of you, I experienced all the negatives a pwBPD brings to a relationship. But at this moment I just want to feel that love again. A piece of me died when she left and the beautiful self confident person that I once was is no longer. I apologize for the rant and the negative discourse but had to get it out. Never realized how easy it is to get lost in this world

[FlyFish]

Does the pain ever go away? Really? I know this is a commonly asked question on the forums but I am just so tired of living my life in constant uncertainty and on the edge of agony. I was doing so well too. I just went out to watch the football game with some friends at the local restaurant. I was sitting at the bar and towards the end of the game I saw my exuBPDgfs 7-year-old son getting some peanuts from the corner. I knew that either her or her sons father were in the dining area of which I had my back to ughhhh. As I was leaving I took a look around and there she was with her family and her exBF whom she had crudely discarded me for over a year ago. I knew that they had returned to being a couple but it hurts so much more seeing them in person. I can’t imagine how much strength all of you must have who still work or co-parent with your ex. I know this seems so childish but seeing this has just triggered the entire array of emotions that I have worked so hard to process since our breakup. That was supposed to be me with her in that restaurant.

I am to the point where I believe that I will live with this pain the rest of my life. It is not going away. And although I’m doing better it is just because I have learned to push the pain lower… Which I do not know if this is healthy or not. The love I felt with her was the most important thing I have ever experienced in my life and it is all too likely that I will never find that again. I have tried dating. Nothing has even come close to how I felt with her. And I’ve read all the material on BPD to where I am more educated on this subject than my therapist. I understand exactly what happened and how I contributed to it. I also know that having a “healthy” relationship with a pwPBD is futile. Our relationship fit the BPD/Codepentent model perfectly. But you know what. When I was in love with my ex I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. It felt so right. That has to mean something right? and I am not one who usually questions my instincts as they have served me properly my whole life. And believe me, like all of you, I experienced all the negatives a pwBPD brings to a relationship. But at this moment I just want to feel that love again. A piece of me died when she left and the beautiful self confident person that I once was is no longer. I apologize for the rant and the negative discourse but had to get it out. Never realized how easy it is to get lost in this world

[valet]

I FlyFish, I see where you're coming from. That sounds like a difficult moment—one of those life flashing before your eyes types of things. I felt the same for a while after me and my ex split. It was suddenly as if I had lived a whole lifetime during that relationship, and I didn't understand why I was here without it.

I don't think the pain can go away, ultimately. We have to reconfigure it in a way that acknowledges what it was while carrying those lessons forward. It seems like you're hitting that barrier right now in your post. But you can climb over it. A lot of folks here will attest to that.

I'd say that every time you feel this way, work your best simply to be in it. Fighting this in an emotional way will not help you. The only way we can really change our feelings is to have a long term plan and stick to it to the best of our abilities.

When you say that that was the happiest you've ever felt, it is an indication of what is comfortable to you. No one grows if they remain in their comfort zone. The idea here is to expand that level of comfortability from unhealthy situations that we know internally to healthier, more sustainable ones. I'd address that capacity first and foremost. For starters, and it looks as if you're already on your way in addressing your codependent tendencies, it might be helpful to think about what you want from yourself... .and not just in a relationship partner.

What do you think?

[michel71]

Hey there buddy. That must have felt like a punch to the gut. Sorry you had to experience that. It may happen to me one day so I think I would feel the same way.
What I am doing to feign off the sappy thoughts and how much I loved her is to think of all the bad things that she did to me. I may have loved her (and I still do) but it wasn't a healthy love because I loved even though I got mistreated. Thus the co-D in me. My mom was a narcissist who taught me basically that love equals having to put up with a lot of insults and hurt. I am conditioned for this kind of love unfortunately.
I am going through my breakup now. She is moving out Dec 28. It sucks and hurts but you know what? I actually feel a sense of relief because this relationship was killing me almost literally. I can now reclaim who I am and my spirit and zest for life.
Overwhelmingly I feel... .thankful. I hope you get to that place too.